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Old 03-27-2012, 04:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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One alcoholic dating another

Before I decided to get sober, my this guy I'm seeing and I drank together all the time. He's also an alcoholic and our alcoholism is the initial reason we started spending time together. However, feelings between us grew since the last summer (when we first started hanging out), and a little over a month ago I decided to quit drinking. He still drinks, and he knows he has a drinking problem. I go to college about 6 hours away, and when I go home to visit him he stays sober. When I leave, however, he picks up the bottle again. He says when he's with me he doesn't feel the need to drink anymore. The thing is....I'm worried that if we decide to get serious there may be some point when he decides to drink again and I'm not sure I could handle it. I have an alcoholic dad as well and I would hate to be in a long term relationship with alcoholic who refuses to get sober since I dealt with that my entire childhood.
He says he would get sober for me, that I'm worth more to him than alcohol. But he can't make any promises since he really loves to drink...
Basically, I know its not the greatest idea to be with him since there's always that risk that I might get put in a situation to drink again. But since everything else is great between us, is his alcoholism alone enough for us to go our separate ways? I really want to have faith that he can get sober and stay that way, but I don't know if I would be ignorant to do so. Should I just stay with him and see how things play out? But then I might get too attached and will be stuck with an alcoholic who continues to drink. I just don't know what to do....sorry this is long but any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
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Old 03-27-2012, 04:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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People only listen to advice when it is something they already want to do.
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Old 03-27-2012, 04:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I think you already have some pretty major doubts there angelhd.

The older I get the #1 rule for me, in any relationship - alcoholic or not - is don't expect to change anyone...

your bf may indeed decide to change...but I don't believe you can count on that.

If you don't like what you've got, right now, in this relationship, I think you need to look at that and think long and hard about your decisions.

You'll find a lot of opinions and support here
D
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onlythetruth (03-27-2012)
Old 03-27-2012, 05:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I'd suggest you check out some of the posts on the Friends and Family forums and see how much fun those folks are having.

Then decide.
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Old 03-27-2012, 06:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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angel, are you going to AA meetings?

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Old 03-27-2012, 07:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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it's recommended that during the first year of recovery you don't get into a relationship
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you everyone for your advice. I may have had thoughts in my head that being in a relationship with him is risky, but it's always reassuring and great to hear the thoughts of others. I just don't like being alone, honestly, and being with him is really helping me to not drink right now. He's so supportive of my sobriety and it's so nice to be with someone that understands what it is like to have a drinking problem. He's my best friend and it would be hard to cut ties with him, but I'm just trying to think ahead and possibly avoid a bad situation. And it's just hard because he is such a great guy and he treats me so well and our personalities are perfect for one another, which is something I haven't really been able to find in the past, in both friendships and relationships. I'm scared to let go of what we have right now just for fear of what may happen in the future, but I don't think it is fair of me to offer him an ultimatum either. Me or alcohol. I know he has to quit for himself, not for me, otherwise there is a good chance that he won't be able to stay sober. Maybe I'm just young and therefore naive with relationships, but I guess I'm hanging on to his statement that he would quit if it meant not losing me. But of course, saying something and actually doing it are two completely different things. I just think, if I got sober and did it mainly out of fear of losing what I had rather than truly wanting to quit, maybe he can do the same. But I don't know. Sorry if I'm rambling, I'm just dealing with a battle between my head and heart right now and it makes it hard to make a definite decision

2granddaughters, I do go to AA meetings and have a sponsor, but I'm not as involved as I should be. I only go to meetings about once a week and hardly talk to my sponsor anymore. I know I need to get more involved, but as stupid as it may sound, attending AA honestly scared me because, although I want to be sober, I'm scared to have that commitment and accountability. I'm sure getting more involved will help me overall, it just seemed too overwhelming when I first got involved so I had a falling out with it.
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Old 03-27-2012, 09:03 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I don't go to many meetings, but I work the steps into my life. The steps are a life saver for me today.

Be careful with your relationship as we alkies sometimes don't like being alone with ourselves, so if we don't like being with ourselves or try to find out who we are, how will another person get to know the real us? Just saying, it's tricky, but it does work for some people.

Sorry if this sounds negative, I just have a bad picker and I've had AA relationships in my past. In fact, my son is an AA baby (he's 16 now). My other relationship, well, he changed from alcohol to food as an addiction, instead of working the steps, trying to fill the void inside of him.

Remember your own sobriety comes first.

I wish you well in sobriety!
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Old 03-28-2012, 05:30 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Tell him that if he is really serious about being both of you together and him staying sober, start right now and show that he really meant it - even though both of you have no legal or any disclosure on your relationship. Let him learn first.

When he does, it only means that he is really committed to you and his promises. If not, continue to help him as a close friend. I am sure that one day he will realize what you want him to be and both of your future.
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Old 03-28-2012, 08:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
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What Dave says!

Dating an addict when you yourself are an addict or an ex-addict is a very bad plan!!!

Sobriety first, or sober relationships first
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Old 03-28-2012, 09:35 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Thank you guys! You've all been a great help
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Old 03-28-2012, 07:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angel1hd View Post
Thank you everyone for your advice. I may have had thoughts in my head that being in a relationship with him is risky, but it's always reassuring and great to hear the thoughts of others. I just don't like being alone, honestly, and being with him is really helping me to not drink right now. He's so supportive of my sobriety and it's so nice to be with someone that understands what it is like to have a drinking problem. He's my best friend and it would be hard to cut ties with him, but I'm just trying to think ahead and possibly avoid a bad situation. And it's just hard because he is such a great guy and he treats me so well and our personalities are perfect for one another, which is something I haven't really been able to find in the past, in both friendships and relationships. I'm scared to let go of what we have right now just for fear of what may happen in the future, but I don't think it is fair of me to offer him an ultimatum either. Me or alcohol. I know he has to quit for himself, not for me, otherwise there is a good chance that he won't be able to stay sober. Maybe I'm just young and therefore naive with relationships, but I guess I'm hanging on to his statement that he would quit if it meant not losing me. But of course, saying something and actually doing it are two completely different things. I just think, if I got sober and did it mainly out of fear of losing what I had rather than truly wanting to quit, maybe he can do the same. But I don't know. Sorry if I'm rambling, I'm just dealing with a battle between my head and heart right now and it makes it hard to make a definite decision
This pretty much describes my situation. I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic (we met through friends, not AA) for just over a year and I broke my sobriety about three weeks into it - not drinking to the point of being drunk, but drinking a bit when he did, and then slowly it's come back to the pattern of drinking every day.

I am now in the process of breaking up with him. I know he isn't ready to quit, even though he says he wants to. He keeps saying he will, but he doesn't take any concrete steps in that direction.

I can't be in a relationship with a drinker at this point in my life, no matter how many good things we have going.
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