Tobo

So I'm nearing the end of day two. Overall it's. Even an ok day. Dealt with some mild anxiety and Being foggy at work. But met my responsibilities for the day. Just finished lifting weights and doing errands I neglected over the weekend.

But damn I will tell you alcohol is baffling. I'm already telling myself how things really are not that bad. "look, you've gone from daily drinking to abstaining Sunday-> Friday." that's responsible drinking isn't it? It's so easy for me to repress the crazy **** I did on Friday. The risks I took. The situation I put myself in to be basically robbed of money and I could have been arrested or shot. I'm already thinking about how am I gonna handle when I buddy wants to go to the bar. Or when i go to the next concert, how could I possibly not drink? Wow, my mind is a crazy place.

Those things aren't gonna change tonight. For tonight I need to not drink and do the same thing tomorrow.

BackToSquareOne

Just thought of something Tobo, the title of your thread has it's own theme song. : Whitesnake - Here I Go Again - YouTube

Tobo

Lol, funny backtosquare one. Unfortunately I think the line goes " here I go again on my own." that's concerning for me. It perpetuates my "me against the world" mentality. I've drank with that mind frame many times!!

Dee74

yes, back 'down the only road you've ever known' might not be a terribly good choice just now

D

BackToSquareOne

How about the "I ain't wastin no more time" part. The words are kind of .... can't think of a description. Hope I didn't bum you out Tobo.

Tobo

Not at all backtosquareone!! I appreciate any and all support! It's nice to read about others who have overcome their demons and it helps to have others believe and support me!

soberlicious

I absolutely believe in you, Tobo. You are fully capable of recovering.

Tobo

Thanks soberlicious, but I'm not sure I am Capable and I'm not even sure I care anymore.

It's been a stressful day with work and I've got myself in a bad mood. I've still got 7 beers in my fridge from the weekend and I want to pound them. I'm furious with my brother, sister and friends who bullied me into a rehab in may. I'm pissed off at the fact my ex gf broke up with me and then turned around and got a new bf immediately. Going to that rehab has caused so many complications for me. It affected me at work. Cost me about 10k bc I couldn't work this summer. And now I have the stigma of going to rehab. No more chance of ever getting disability or life insurance! I got screwed over by my last job. I got laid off a weeks after buying my first house. Then an hour later my gf at the time broke up with me.

I'm trying to refrain from calling/texting people and giving them a piece of my mind. Guess you could say I'm irritable today. Breathe tobo, breathe

hereigo

Things do turn around in your favor, eventually if not sooner, when you stop using, Tobo. It might take some time, but this problem with alcohol probably will not go away unless you decide that IT is the cause of many problems. Try not to cave in to the struggle now, so you don't knock yourself down again. We all have problems; financial, health, relationships, finding happiness. But don't we all know that if we have a severe drinking problem, we must quit drinking if we want to find happiness? I know you can; you are capable. The relief from drinking is so temporary, leading to great pain. It is not worth it. Ride it out, and you will feel better soon.

Dee74

It took me a long time to realise it - but if I kept reaching for the same solution, I'd always end up in the same place.

If I wanted change in my life, I needed to make different decisions - I needed to make changes

D

TheOnlyDryPaddy

posted in the wrong thread

soberlicious

I agree with hereigo. Life is full of problems, that's a given. Being able to deal with them in a clear-headed manner is really a gift. Not a joy by any stretch but a gift nonetheless.

Being irritable is ok. Some days are like that. No more, no less.

I still believe in your ability to recover fully.

and yes....when things are hard, always take it to your breath.

Tobo

Well it's day 6 and I'm here at work. I really feel like having some beers tonight and playing Xbox. I've been thinking about all day. I already have 7 beers in my fridge. It's driving me crazy. I feel comfortable that I could just have those beers and be content. But what about tomorrow? I'm trying to remember last weekend which turned pretty bad. It seems that while I drink I'm less able to turn down other stuff. Also Im worried that when I do drink safely it turns back into a habit and harder to abstain from drinking on Weeknights.. Arghhhhh!!! What should I do?

Tobo

Just thought I would check back into my old thread. I haven't been posting but have been lurking. Feeling pretty ****** today bc I missed work. I haven't had much of a problem this year with calling in sick, but did last year. I just don't feel well, but truth is I drank all day for past few days.

I'm not sure what to do. I've been moderating better lately but things still can get out of hand quickly. One moment I can decide of to drink, the next I change my mind.

BackToSquareOne

Tobo, you sound like you're stuck in the middle, you want to quit but you also want to drink. You really can't have it both ways outside of moderation which rarely works if you are an alcoholic. I know from reading your thread that you tried AA, did that help at all?

Tobo

Thanks for the reply. I am def stuck in the middle. One foot in one foot out the door. I did do aa with fervor but didn't like it. The inmates are running the prison. I have a hard time grasping that I have NO control. It goes against my basic understanding of life. I do not have a problem with the spiritual side, and still try to incorporate that into my life.

It's the typical pattern. Abstain and feel good, weekend hits and I binge, swear off alcohol. Granted my drinking is much less than it was a year ago, but I'm still having some consequences like missing work today. I hate this feeling of neglecting work. I prob could have made it in, but i just felt so ****** and lazy that I needed to stay home. Gonna spend the day cleaning and some light exercise to try and help my mind. Ugh, can't live with alcohol and don't want to live without it

BackToSquareOne

That raises an interesting question, can you instill the desire to want to quit in someone that's stuck in the middle? Maybe someone will come along that's been in that spot and quit from there. I don't really know how you can make someone want to quit though.

Tobo

Omg, I feel so terrible today. Feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack. At work currently and have a meeting in 2 hours. Afraid of having panic attack. Binged all weekend. Alcohol plus other ****. Spent all my money. I want to quit right now, but know this feeling will pass and I will be back at it again. I want to die

Sapling

Welcome back Tobo..Sounds like you are struggling with Step one..It's easier if you can get past that one...Sorry you are hurting...I hope you can find something that works for you.

Tobo

I don't know what to do. This weekend was absolutely insane. I feel terrible today. I can barely function. I really don't want to go back to aa. Also, I know this feeling will pass in a day or two and I will be back to drinking. Then when I start drinking everything else comes along. I'm freaking out, need help