Sapling

I just think it's going to be hard to find support from AA if this is your goal. If you go in there with an honest desire to stop drinking....The hand of AA will be out for you....AA = Absolute Abstinence. I could be wrong...But for me I know it helped me going into my first meeting with the thought of never drinking again firmly planted in my mind.

CarolD

Tobo..Welcome to our recovery community...

When I began working my AA Steps I shifted from shakey sobriety into solid recovery.
If you do plan to stay in AA....I suggest you get involved with Step work.

AA is not the only way to quit drinking and stay quit. Please find something that works
for you....and use whatever to live well with sobriety and joy.

Yes! you realy can win over alcohol....and I wish you well as you move forward.

Tobo

8 days no booze or other junk. Feeling good, will see how it goes for a bit longer

Tobo

Day 10, still hanging tough. In some ways it's been easier than when I did 6 months bc I haven't been going to AA. I know that doesn't make sense, but what I mean is that I'm not inundated with all this rhetoric telling me that I'm a sinner and not in control of things. Also I haven't completely committed to never drinking again. So maybe the "beast" is not as threatened. Either way it's been 10 days and thats def the longest since my 2 month relapse and before that 6months I was pretty much a daily drinker for 10 of my 20 drinking years.

Tobo

Back to day 1. Had 12 days on Friday. Then two girls I know stopped over and were drunk. I ended uP having 1 drink with them and it set things in motion. I was up late Friday getting messed up and drunk all day yesterday. Plus i got into other stuff. Had a bunch of very bad **** happen to me and lost all my money. Feel pretty ****** today and am obviously going to be depressed. Only saving grace is that I didn't get into any real trouble. It's becoming more apparent that I will need complete abstinence if I want to things to change. Ugh, what should I do?

BackToSquareOne

Tobo, my best advice is 6 posts above. You have to get off the alcohol 100% or nothing is going to work. Read about AVRT/Rational Recovery under the secular section. I didn't use AA so I can't give you any advice on that, there are a lot of AA people here though.

hereigo

Hello Tobo,

Congratulations on the 12 days. Okay, so you lapsed. But you obviously want to straighten your life out, and you are realizing that probably complete abstinence is the only way to do that. That may seem like a near unattainable goal. But it seems like that, through your experience with your drinking and what it does to your life, abstinence may be the ONLY way out.

I drank for more than 3 decades, progressively more and more. For more than the last 10 years, I was consuming 20-30 units of alcohol per day, usually drinking about 5 days per week on average. That is an average. Sometimes I would go for weeks, even months, of heavy drinking daily, without a break. I know what severe addiction to alcohol, as well as to drugs, is. I was also addicted to crystal methamphetamine for 4 years or more, in the 90s. I have seen the depths of destruction.

What should you do? Well, any advice I give would be subjective, based upon my own experience. What worked for me may not work for you. But since you are asking, I will happily tell you what I did. Take it or leave it, for what its worth.

In my deep struggle, I tried 3 attempts at AA. I had a sponsor. I worked the steps up to a point. While I saw others succeed with it, it did not suit me. First in 1994, again in 2001, and again in 2010, in an outpatient rehab program. AA was not the answer, for me, even though it is for many others. I am not powerless.

I also tried to cure myself with spiritual study, under the guidance of spiritual mentors in organized programs of spirituality. That was not the answer to ridding me of my addiction. Prayer did not save me.

I read the books "Seven Weeks To Sobriety" by Joan Matthews Larson, and "Alcoholism: The Cause and Cure" by Genita Petralli. These books treat alcoholism with aggressive and expensive courses of nutritional supplementation and diet. That did not cure me.

I read books on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and attended Smart Recovery meetings for several months. I did not find what I was looking for there.

Finally, I tried anti-drinking medication. Specifically, I tried The Sinclair Method. This is an approach presented in "The Cure for Alcoholism", written by Roy Eskapa. It prescribes a course of the drug Naltrexone for six months minimum. After two months in, I discontinued, because I couldn't stand the nausea, and I was drinking more than ever while on the drug.

Then, I stumbled onto the SR site. Here, I realized that if I were going to survive much longer, I would have to consider complete abstinence. That idea had always been do longingly desired by me, but seemed unattainable and unrealistic.

But finally, I did come to realize on a very profound level, that I CANNOT DRINK. I MUST NOT DRINK. This realization is one of the most important events of my life. So, I choose not to drink. Being able to sustain this decision without much of a struggle has been facilitated, very specifically, by a book called "Rational Recovery: The New Cure For Substance Addiction", by Jack Trimpey.

There are many paths to freedom from substance addition. Mine is only one, but I feel it is worth sharing. I hope you find yours. I tried many ways to be free. The RR book is a book which addresses your thinking about your substance use, and aims to help you come to terms with making the decision to simply quit using. That is not as simple as it sounds, as you well know. But, IT IS POSSIBLE. RR presents a system of thinking called AVRT, which, over time, teaches you how to cultivate and maintain your thoughts about drinking/using, so that you choose to not use.

Every addict is unique, and some respond better to some methods than other methods. I think timing has a lot to do with it to (as in, where you are in your using career when you try a certain approach to solving the problem). I found the answer to my problem, after many long years. I am not white-knuckling it. I just quit drinking, and I don't drink anymore. That's it! RR has been a vital resource for my recovery.

I hope that helps with your own journey. It is a journey, as you know. For me, my addiction ended when I came to terms with the fact that I CANNOT DRINK AGAIN. My struggle with alcohol is not over, but I feel I found the method that will sustain me and restore me completely. Now, I can get on with my life.

Tobo

Thanks for the input everyone. I'm kinda freaking out right now. I'm so filled with anxiety I feel as if I'm gonna have a panic attack. It's prob a mix of drug and alcohol withdrawal and the realization of everything I did this weekend. I can't even begin to discuss the risks I took. I'm absolutely broke. Prob spent/loss 400 and have nothing left in bank account. I'm putting myself at risk for arrest and then I would lose my career. I have a tons of education that would be wasted if I got in trouble. I'm freaking out.

langkah

Great time to sit down and read Allen Carr's book through.

BackToSquareOne

Tobo, just keep in mind that it will pass, it always does. All you can do is ride it out or go to the ER if it gets too bad.

Tobo

Thanks, I know it will pass. And i will feel better and want to drink again. Rinse, recycle, repeat. One time i did go to an ER thinking I was having a heartattack at 35. Realized it was all the **** i had done and anxiety, pretty embarrasing

hereigo

Isn't it a good time now to take action, of some kind, to do something about this? You have options, as you know, as to what you can do. But only you can make this happen. The embarrassment, fear and self-loathing will greatly diminish if you stop using. What's done is done.

I think your biggest obstacle is your desire to use. Craving the pleasure that alcohol and drugs give you is the source of your problem, yes? Do you think you can overcome this tremendous force which controls you? If you say no, that is understandable, but it is not a reason give in.

Why is it that you continue to use? Or, why are you going to "rinse, recycle, repeat"? What are your reasons for this?

Tobo

I suppose I drink for effect. Looking for that relief, escape or fun. I will go a week or so. Work hard all week then I get that bugg up my ass and want to party. I never go into it wanting bad stuff to happen. I go into it wanting to have a fun time. Maybe meet a girl. Or have some laughs with buddies. But it's like rolling the dice. Sometimes are a blast. Other times are empty and with consequences. I'm fortunate that nothing serious has happened. But how long can I be lucky. And if and when something had happens it will be serious and out of my control.

I was feeling better for a bit today. Did some cleaning and chores around my house. Now the nausea and sickness are back. The worst though is this terrible anxiety I have. I may try to go for a jog in a little. I hate myself today. I don't know what Im going to do.

sissy07

Tobo,

When I read your latest post I actually started tearing up and shaking. God, I remember feeling like that. Nothing is worth feeling that way. I am not quite 6 months sober this time around, and the feeling of impending doom and hopelessness is just now starting to go away. Get back on the horse, and remember how you feel today next time you want to drink. It really does get easier as time goes by. Heck, if I can get sober anybody can.
Take care, Tobo.

hereigo

Okay, Tobo. From your response, to summarize would be to conclude that you drink because you like to get high, and to escape from the boredom of life without being high.

You drink to get high. Then, after the high wears off, you feel great anxiety , and so then you feel compelled to drink more to alleviate the anxiety (this is very common in addiction; I myself have also dealt with serious panic disorder). And so, the cycle repeats itself.

You listed these consequences in this thread:

-suicidal thoughts
-family intervention
-rehab
-engaging in very risky behaviors
-being caught in a miserable cycle of drinking
-great financial distress
-possibility of losing your job
-wasting your entire education
-great embarrassment
-self-loathing
-great anxiety, panic attacks requiring hospitalization

It sounds like its pretty serious. What is your conclusion, up to this point, my friend? Have any of the ideas you have been given piqued your interest or given you a spark of optimism as to how you can proceed for the better?

You can get better, if you want to

Tobo

Thanks hereigo for taking the time to consider my situation and type it out. I appreciate it and it helps to have others put it in perspective. It's frustrating bc it's so obvious to everyone else that I need to stop. However I keep trying to control this and after a few days I feel better and Still chase the illusion I can have fun and control it.

I'm not sure what my course of action will be. While I was in aa I was able to stay clean for six months. But I never gave myself fully to the program. I am considering hitting a meeting tomorrow night. Last time I went though I felt judged and people weren't as supportive this time. I don't want to be the guy going in and out of aa.

I just finished a 3 mile run. It really helps with my detox process. I'm fortunate to be able to exercise regularly. It's a big part of my life. However when I'm drinking I tend to get lazy and slack.

tanja

Tobo,

I think many of us have chased the illusion, but ultimately it is not fun. Continued drinking will result in misery every time you drink. I am sure if you elaborated on the list hereigo so kindly made and composed another list of the benefits you get from alcohol, it might help motivate you. The illusion of fun is just a lie because hangovers and the associated guilt, shame, embarassment, fear, anxiety, depression and agony are really what results when we drink. Perhaps, trying another AA meeting should be on the agenda. If you still feel not supported there - try another meeting and keep posting here. I think your self-talk is full of doubt and that is the addicted part of your brain talking. There is a sober side too. Try and make the sober side stronger than the addicted side. Your stronger than you think. You made it to 6 months before and you can do that and more this time.

hereigo

It doesn't sound like you can control it. You are 36, and you have been drinking heavily for 20 years. If you don't give it your best shot now, I would think you will likely see your consumption increase as you continue into your late 30's, then into your 40's. I think you will also probably see the consequences of continued drinking become more severe and the habitual use of alcohol more heavily engrained.

Good if you can take action now. As you know, AA meetings vary greatly in their individual appeal and suitability for an individual. So, if that is your chosen course, do it brother! Get serious, get a sponsor, and get well.

Life is not so bad when you give up drinking, if you can change your mind about it. I believe that addiction is mostly a psychological condition, more than anything else. One can get past the physical withdrawal symptoms quickly enough; then how you think about using has a lot to do with whether you are "white-knuckling" it, or if you can live comfortably without the constant craving and wishing you were having fun partying instead. I believe that addicted human beings are capable of parting with their cherished addictive substance, and learning to live happily and productively without it.

You can do it. There are a lot of good things for you yet to do and become.

Cob

Wow Tobo...so many of us can relate. Especially hating going back to the meeting...but it's not nearly as bad as we make it in our heads...Truth is these people in these meetings are not dummies. They know that you feel bad for how things are going. Even if you don't voice it...if you ask them they will know exactly how you feel. But as far as quitting goes, There is only one thing that I've learned that can keep me sober...."ME". No program of recovery has ever worked for "ME". No sponsor has ever kept "ME" sober. I'm saying all this on a personal basis because it's my story and I really don't want you thinking that I'm saying something else won't work for you. I know a great number of people who give testimonies that these programs do work for them and I would never say they are lying or making false statements. I do know that when I got sick of the effects that my drinking was having on me I went to a rehab....I did the 90 in 90 and I was actively involved and even made some 12-step calls....but none of that kept me sober...there was a time when I would go to meetings and pick up my pint of vodka just before getting there to have something right after the meeting. The whole social thing was working for me but I was still drinking. Why? I went to meetings...I even had a sponsor...I told him that I drank, I would call him and tell him I was going to the meeting and that I sure hoped I wouldn't drink afterwards. But I had already made the decision to drink the minute my car magically turned into the liquor store. It wasn't until I made the decision to cease drinking that I finally quit. That simple...I quit drinking when I decided to not drink any more. I know it has to be more complicated than that... but it's not...make the decision to not drink,....no matter what. I knew that it was going to hurt....and it did...but I didn't drink...I knew there would be temptations....and there were...but I didn't drink...and every time I felt the pain of resisting I remember how badly I felt before finally quitting...It was a horrible existence...unbelievable that I lived like that everyday. I was even gray in color because I was committing slow suicide. But I remember my sickness and I hung on to it. I held on to the pain of each minute that passed as I began to slowly heal...that is painful. But I'm happy for the pain

stepping

Tobo - Pick yourself up and dust off. Don't look back, you are not going that way. Time to forget this weekend and all the bad that came along with it. Time to learn from drinking again and just start your recovery back up! You can do this. Today will soon be tomorrow and you will already then feel a lot better. Please hang in there. This too shall pass!! I understand completely your anxiety (especially after a weekend binge) it can be difficult to deal with without a drink BUT just think of it this way..you can't get better if you continue the vicious cycle. I have been there... The only way for us to get better is to simply quit drinking. I'm here if you need support. I just ask you to HANG IN THERE!!!! Don't drink today then wake up tomorrow and do the same thing!