Here I go again?
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 449
Brainwashed.
We all like to think of ourselves as free, critical thinkers and all that. But, especially in the modern day of T.V., radio, the internet - who can really say their minds haven't been touched by someone else's information ? Brainwashed, as it were.
I love the effect produced by alcohol to the point of abandoning all other engagements and relationships, I can't control my intake. I can't stop, moderate and "take it and leave it" at will. But what made me take that first drink ? Was it some small way my brain had been washed ? Filled with visions of joy and conviviality and hot chicks ? On a boat somewhere catching fish, seemingly free, happy, and "with it" ? How about the appeal to the "Don Juan" ? The romantic occurence of happening upon a sole lady (or man) and buying them an Asti Spumonti. The sauve debonair appeal of pirates and Captain Morgan ?
Aren't these visions, these promises, shoved down our throat on a daily basis ? How can I say I wasn't "brainwashed" ? As a teenager seeing peers getting buzzed and getting laid - apparently - wasn't I to have some of this action too ? Wasn't I "brainwashed" into thinking - "Hey all this and more ..." with just a little bit of Guiness and I could be riding high. And I did.
Until I fell. Until the jokes were barbed with rage that bubbled up from nowhere, until the uncontrollable crying and self pity took over, until the darkness parts of me were slowly unravelled for all to see --- alcohol lost its innocence in my life at a very young age. But I didn't see it. Couldn't accept it. This magical elixer ... this bottle ... the smell, the taste and oh boy the feel - I felt a new freedom and happiness and I hadn't even left the bar stool, the mere vapors alone gave me silent, refreshing pause.
I never would have known that though, unless I had brainwashed that this is what normal, successful, beautiful people do. I wanted to be normal, successful and maybe if she drank as much as me she'd think I was beautiful Hahahahahaha.
Then I hit bottom and want to stop drinking but cannot. I really tried. I didn't seek help, save for a few feigned attempts at my interpretation of the 12 steps online. A year later after my solemn vow, I was caught. A DUI, brought me to my jumping off point. I can't live with booze, I can't live without it, what am I to do.
Suicide seemed a better alternative to me than AA. I couldn't afford a posh treatment center - actually prison didn't look so bad either - I could lift weights all day. I reluctantly went to AA to find out the simple trick to not drinking. "Don't drink and go to meetings" was the answer I was given. It sounded so much like the confusing advice my wife gave me - "Be a man, don't buy it". But it was perplexing enough to me to have me go back, and back, and back. 3 days in a guy appointed himself my sponsor. He said he'd help me up to the 4th and 5th Step. I said "Okay, what about the first three" He said I did them already when I walked into the door and asked my question. Boom, a month or two later, inventory and 5th step done. Started making some 9th step approaches. Somewhere in there, I woke up - not NEEDING to drink. See I wanted to stop but I NEEDED alcohol in my life.
Slowly but surely as time went on, meetings, inventory, prayer, (I didn't meditate much then), talking with people after the meeting, getting calls from people, I could actually be presented with alcohol and say "No thanks" - "But dude, it's happy hour" ---
And I could automatically respond, "I know, and I'm very happpy drinking water".
Time goes one, I rest on my laurels. Still hitting meetings, and nothing else. That restlessness reappears, that discontentedness reappears that PARALYZING fear reappears. Back to the steps. It goes away. Now I'm taking meditation and prayer a lot more seriously. Ah ha, the solution.
The Steps, lead me to a higher power. That higher power provides what alcohol used to provide. Freedom, Happiness, peace, joy, a feeling of being neutral and protected from not only alcohol but of the things within me that would have me knowingly self destruct.
That's what the AA program does for me. And I couldn't do it without the support and encouragement of the fellowship. And a lifetime of service in AA and most importantly outside of AA in the communities of my home, my family, my work, and my town ? Well it's given me a life I couldn't have dreamed of on a bet. The life I lead today is 100% more fullfilling in every sense of the word than the life I was leading prior to getting sober the AA way. So this "lifetime of service", in my experience, is me getting off light.
As for the brainwashing. I've been brainwashed all my life. AA just gave me different soap.
Good luck and God Bless.
We all like to think of ourselves as free, critical thinkers and all that. But, especially in the modern day of T.V., radio, the internet - who can really say their minds haven't been touched by someone else's information ? Brainwashed, as it were.
I love the effect produced by alcohol to the point of abandoning all other engagements and relationships, I can't control my intake. I can't stop, moderate and "take it and leave it" at will. But what made me take that first drink ? Was it some small way my brain had been washed ? Filled with visions of joy and conviviality and hot chicks ? On a boat somewhere catching fish, seemingly free, happy, and "with it" ? How about the appeal to the "Don Juan" ? The romantic occurence of happening upon a sole lady (or man) and buying them an Asti Spumonti. The sauve debonair appeal of pirates and Captain Morgan ?
Aren't these visions, these promises, shoved down our throat on a daily basis ? How can I say I wasn't "brainwashed" ? As a teenager seeing peers getting buzzed and getting laid - apparently - wasn't I to have some of this action too ? Wasn't I "brainwashed" into thinking - "Hey all this and more ..." with just a little bit of Guiness and I could be riding high. And I did.
Until I fell. Until the jokes were barbed with rage that bubbled up from nowhere, until the uncontrollable crying and self pity took over, until the darkness parts of me were slowly unravelled for all to see --- alcohol lost its innocence in my life at a very young age. But I didn't see it. Couldn't accept it. This magical elixer ... this bottle ... the smell, the taste and oh boy the feel - I felt a new freedom and happiness and I hadn't even left the bar stool, the mere vapors alone gave me silent, refreshing pause.
I never would have known that though, unless I had brainwashed that this is what normal, successful, beautiful people do. I wanted to be normal, successful and maybe if she drank as much as me she'd think I was beautiful Hahahahahaha.
Then I hit bottom and want to stop drinking but cannot. I really tried. I didn't seek help, save for a few feigned attempts at my interpretation of the 12 steps online. A year later after my solemn vow, I was caught. A DUI, brought me to my jumping off point. I can't live with booze, I can't live without it, what am I to do.
Suicide seemed a better alternative to me than AA. I couldn't afford a posh treatment center - actually prison didn't look so bad either - I could lift weights all day. I reluctantly went to AA to find out the simple trick to not drinking. "Don't drink and go to meetings" was the answer I was given. It sounded so much like the confusing advice my wife gave me - "Be a man, don't buy it". But it was perplexing enough to me to have me go back, and back, and back. 3 days in a guy appointed himself my sponsor. He said he'd help me up to the 4th and 5th Step. I said "Okay, what about the first three" He said I did them already when I walked into the door and asked my question. Boom, a month or two later, inventory and 5th step done. Started making some 9th step approaches. Somewhere in there, I woke up - not NEEDING to drink. See I wanted to stop but I NEEDED alcohol in my life.
Slowly but surely as time went on, meetings, inventory, prayer, (I didn't meditate much then), talking with people after the meeting, getting calls from people, I could actually be presented with alcohol and say "No thanks" - "But dude, it's happy hour" ---
And I could automatically respond, "I know, and I'm very happpy drinking water".
Time goes one, I rest on my laurels. Still hitting meetings, and nothing else. That restlessness reappears, that discontentedness reappears that PARALYZING fear reappears. Back to the steps. It goes away. Now I'm taking meditation and prayer a lot more seriously. Ah ha, the solution.
The Steps, lead me to a higher power. That higher power provides what alcohol used to provide. Freedom, Happiness, peace, joy, a feeling of being neutral and protected from not only alcohol but of the things within me that would have me knowingly self destruct.
That's what the AA program does for me. And I couldn't do it without the support and encouragement of the fellowship. And a lifetime of service in AA and most importantly outside of AA in the communities of my home, my family, my work, and my town ? Well it's given me a life I couldn't have dreamed of on a bet. The life I lead today is 100% more fullfilling in every sense of the word than the life I was leading prior to getting sober the AA way. So this "lifetime of service", in my experience, is me getting off light.
As for the brainwashing. I've been brainwashed all my life. AA just gave me different soap.
Good luck and God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
Going too early, doing next to nothing and getting zero out of AA is to be avoided, as I said earlier.
Take your time, try maybe a dozen or so other paths to abstinence. With that experience behind you it's possible you'd then be willing to do all the stuff. No one who does it and gets great results from their actions is any more thrilled than you are about it, but they're willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober comfortably.
You could very well get to that spot too, someday.
Instead of being upset that you don't care to do the AA stuff, choose another way that you like a lot and start that. If you find you don't want to do the things that help people on that path, don't be mad...just choose yet another path that you like a lot.
Life's too short to waste time and this could be a very long and unpleasant road. Best to start as soon as possible on your journey toward the depth of willingness that will allow AA to work well for you too.
Maybe start off with Kudzu and pattern finger tapping. I think you'll like Kudzu a lot.
Take your time, try maybe a dozen or so other paths to abstinence. With that experience behind you it's possible you'd then be willing to do all the stuff. No one who does it and gets great results from their actions is any more thrilled than you are about it, but they're willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober comfortably.
You could very well get to that spot too, someday.
Instead of being upset that you don't care to do the AA stuff, choose another way that you like a lot and start that. If you find you don't want to do the things that help people on that path, don't be mad...just choose yet another path that you like a lot.
Life's too short to waste time and this could be a very long and unpleasant road. Best to start as soon as possible on your journey toward the depth of willingness that will allow AA to work well for you too.
Maybe start off with Kudzu and pattern finger tapping. I think you'll like Kudzu a lot.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 567
AA is based on grabbing the program like a drowning man seizing a life preserver. I'm not sure I want that though.
If the BB on page 23 has the 2 words, "terrible cycle", well just imagine me on the edge of a wheel being that "terrible cycle" and being flicked by the centrifugal force of a life being out of control at age 50. Cos I did not get to recovery via rehabs etc, never done rehabs and family lost all hope, except my dad.
There were 3 other visible locations I could have let go at if I was to go back to the bar to try and figure it out, again.
Geographically
A: The closest bar, 15 minute walk.
1, Prison 20 minutes walk, left turn
2, Asylum 20 minutes walk, right turn
3, Cemetary 10 minutes walk on the way to the gym.
Taxi to AA, 5 minutes or 45 minute walk.
Picture that scenario, cos it's true, they were the options.
I called a taxi !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Great post jungianthing! I never really thought of things this way!
Day 3 today. Going ok so far. It's amazing how quickly my mind changes on things already. Saw a profile of a cute girl today on match. Com. She had a drink in her hand in a few pics. Just that quickly I was switching my mind frame to " I'm over reacting and just need to control things". It's crazy how my mind works.
Just went to dr to get some antibiotics for a sinus infection. Prob the after effects of my crazy weekend. In that quick visit i learned that my blood pressure was high. Probably the result of withdrawal
Day 3 today. Going ok so far. It's amazing how quickly my mind changes on things already. Saw a profile of a cute girl today on match. Com. She had a drink in her hand in a few pics. Just that quickly I was switching my mind frame to " I'm over reacting and just need to control things". It's crazy how my mind works.
Just went to dr to get some antibiotics for a sinus infection. Prob the after effects of my crazy weekend. In that quick visit i learned that my blood pressure was high. Probably the result of withdrawal
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 449
Originally Posted by Tobo 
Day 3 today. Going ok so far. It's amazing how quickly my mind changes on things already. Saw a profile of a cute girl today on match. Com. She had a drink in her hand in a few pics. Just that quickly I was switching my mind frame to " I'm over reacting and just need to control things". It's crazy how my mind works.
What manner of idiocy is that ? For me, it's the special kind of idiocy referred to in the Big Book. Almost as soon as I had that thought, I get a phone call from a brother in the fellowship - share the thought, we laugh at "it", i.e. "me" together and that notion goes off into the abyss. And I remained free.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 4
Hi Tobo,
I'm writing because I'm in a very similar position. I quit drinking cold turkey in August because I was so disgusted with the way I had been "living." I was very self-motivated (almost dangerously so in that I should have insisted on medical supervision) and did not think I needed AA. I only went after my counselor at Gateway insisted.
No disrespect to anyone, but I hated AA. I know I'm going to get a lot of people who say that I'm wrong, but it felt like I was more focused on alcohol when I was going to to AA than I was when I was drinking. I was confused about what I believed about God and couldn't deal with the stresses of every day life. I felt compelled to agree to surrender to God at a time when I really just needed some practical advice about how to stay sober. I went for nearly 3 weeks straight before deciding that it just wasn't helping me.
I started reading online about SMART recovery. It clicked so much better for me, personally. I learned how to process my feelings thanks to their online tools. I liked being accountable to myself and felt no pressure to be counting days, even though I did. I also liked the reinforcement that this was something I could do on my own; I didn't need to rely on a higher power. I can't post a link, but I'm sure you can google.
I had a relapse in late November/early December because I stopped doing what I had learned from SMART recovery. My relapse was not back to old behaviors, but it was back to drinking. So now I'm trying to start over again, too. I found this website as I have been looking for other resources as well.
Just wanted to give you my experience and see if it helps you. Good luck to both of us.
I'm writing because I'm in a very similar position. I quit drinking cold turkey in August because I was so disgusted with the way I had been "living." I was very self-motivated (almost dangerously so in that I should have insisted on medical supervision) and did not think I needed AA. I only went after my counselor at Gateway insisted.
No disrespect to anyone, but I hated AA. I know I'm going to get a lot of people who say that I'm wrong, but it felt like I was more focused on alcohol when I was going to to AA than I was when I was drinking. I was confused about what I believed about God and couldn't deal with the stresses of every day life. I felt compelled to agree to surrender to God at a time when I really just needed some practical advice about how to stay sober. I went for nearly 3 weeks straight before deciding that it just wasn't helping me.
I started reading online about SMART recovery. It clicked so much better for me, personally. I learned how to process my feelings thanks to their online tools. I liked being accountable to myself and felt no pressure to be counting days, even though I did. I also liked the reinforcement that this was something I could do on my own; I didn't need to rely on a higher power. I can't post a link, but I'm sure you can google.
I had a relapse in late November/early December because I stopped doing what I had learned from SMART recovery. My relapse was not back to old behaviors, but it was back to drinking. So now I'm trying to start over again, too. I found this website as I have been looking for other resources as well.
Just wanted to give you my experience and see if it helps you. Good luck to both of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Jungianthing, thanks for sharing. Dont take this the wrong way, but your logic is hilarious. It's totally something I could find myself thinking. If I can walk through the beer aisle and not buy any I must be ok!
Googletron, thanks for the suggestion. I have looked into smart in the past but will def give it another look. Were you referring to Gateway in Pittsburgh? That's where I'm originally from. When I was 19 my dad took me to speak with the head guy there. It was after my 2nd underage ( had 4 total and 1 DUI I got out of).
Tonight sucks. I'm pretty depressed and don't feel well. Been thinking of what a loser I am and also about my two serious ex-gf's. Rejection is a huge trigger for me. If you don't like me I'll show you. I will drink my face off and have a great time or be a sad drunk. It's been 3 days sober again. I don't believe that I am physically addicted so I'm not sure if I am detoxing or not. Most recently I've been drinking about 40-50 beers over 4 nights a week. Before that I was 6-9 beers on weeknights then 10-15 beers plus a few shots thurs-sun. Plus some "extra curricular" things. Was going to try and workout tonight but figured I should just lay around and let body rest since i have a sinus infection
Googletron, thanks for the suggestion. I have looked into smart in the past but will def give it another look. Were you referring to Gateway in Pittsburgh? That's where I'm originally from. When I was 19 my dad took me to speak with the head guy there. It was after my 2nd underage ( had 4 total and 1 DUI I got out of).
Tonight sucks. I'm pretty depressed and don't feel well. Been thinking of what a loser I am and also about my two serious ex-gf's. Rejection is a huge trigger for me. If you don't like me I'll show you. I will drink my face off and have a great time or be a sad drunk. It's been 3 days sober again. I don't believe that I am physically addicted so I'm not sure if I am detoxing or not. Most recently I've been drinking about 40-50 beers over 4 nights a week. Before that I was 6-9 beers on weeknights then 10-15 beers plus a few shots thurs-sun. Plus some "extra curricular" things. Was going to try and workout tonight but figured I should just lay around and let body rest since i have a sinus infection
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
I'm not going to comment on other posts other than to say that I think people just say what they think will help you, based on their own experiences. Everything that is said has value in it. Some are tougher to swallow than others, but everyone here means well and there is truth in what they say. All of us have been through our own personal hell with alcohol and the common thread is that none of us want to see anyone else go through the agony that we've experienced. So take what you can use and leave the rest, and just know that everyone who has posted here has your best interests at heart.
I completely understand your ambivalence about quitting. I was and in some ways still am feeling the same way. I could not imagine my life without alcohol and looked for any way possible to justify my continued drinking. Something someone said, something that happened that day ... whatever I could find ... gave me an excuse. It was "their" fault that I drank. After two relapses and too many horrible experiences to list here, I finally had a "sober moment" where I realized that I could always find an excuse to drink because I wasn't ready to give it up. I honestly don't know what it was that finally changed in me or how it happened, but one day I woke up and said "no more." Once I came to that place, I was ready and willing ... "willing" being the key word.
I'm still very early in my sobriety (19 days) but things are different this time compared to the other times. The ambivalence is gone for the most part, although I admit there are times when I would find a drink very comforting (that's my addictive voice talking to me though ... not my heart). Through great soul-searching, the help of a program (AA for me), supportive friends and family, and finally, a willingness to change, I am sober and I know I will stay this way. There are still times when it is almost unimaginable to picture my life without alcohol, but I think that is part of the process of coming to terms (acceptance) with my disease. I wish I could still drink ... I really do. But when I weigh drinking against all of the blessings in my life - which I would lose if I continued drinking - the blessings win, hands down. Although I still have those moments where I can't imagine my life without alcohol (remember, I'm still new at this), I also can't imagine going back to the drunk life I was living, which was a living hell. THAT is a stronger feeling. I want to NOT drink more than I want TO drink. That's all that matters.
I completely understand your ambivalence about quitting. I was and in some ways still am feeling the same way. I could not imagine my life without alcohol and looked for any way possible to justify my continued drinking. Something someone said, something that happened that day ... whatever I could find ... gave me an excuse. It was "their" fault that I drank. After two relapses and too many horrible experiences to list here, I finally had a "sober moment" where I realized that I could always find an excuse to drink because I wasn't ready to give it up. I honestly don't know what it was that finally changed in me or how it happened, but one day I woke up and said "no more." Once I came to that place, I was ready and willing ... "willing" being the key word.
I'm still very early in my sobriety (19 days) but things are different this time compared to the other times. The ambivalence is gone for the most part, although I admit there are times when I would find a drink very comforting (that's my addictive voice talking to me though ... not my heart). Through great soul-searching, the help of a program (AA for me), supportive friends and family, and finally, a willingness to change, I am sober and I know I will stay this way. There are still times when it is almost unimaginable to picture my life without alcohol, but I think that is part of the process of coming to terms (acceptance) with my disease. I wish I could still drink ... I really do. But when I weigh drinking against all of the blessings in my life - which I would lose if I continued drinking - the blessings win, hands down. Although I still have those moments where I can't imagine my life without alcohol (remember, I'm still new at this), I also can't imagine going back to the drunk life I was living, which was a living hell. THAT is a stronger feeling. I want to NOT drink more than I want TO drink. That's all that matters.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hi Tobo. I completely understand the feeling of wanting to quit and not wanting to quit. I commend you for your honesty in posting and for your introspection. None of this sh!t is easy in the beginning. There are lots of ways to recover from addiction. There's lots of good stuff in the secular section of SR. I am not currently involved AA, but have been well schooled in the program from childhood. I find that some of basic tenets of the 12 steps are meaningful and helpful for me. Others are not. I have used a variety of things to improve my life. Getting out from under addiction is the single most freeing and empowering thing I have ever done in my life. You can do this, Tobo.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 4
I'm originally from the Pittsburgh area too. I don't know what your background or personal beliefs are, but I just wanted to tell you there is more than one way to get sober, IMO. AA does seem to work for most people, and many of them will tell you it's the only way that works for them. That's great.
I needed to do more in-depth counseling on my reasons for drinking. Prior to wanting to get sober for myself, I didn't know anything about co-dependence or how my father's alcoholism had affected my entire family. We never talked about it. I see now that a lot of my issues are due to never learning how to properly resolve things emotionally. I have finally realized that my key to sobriety is learning new behaviors and coping skills, as well as examining the past and finding a way to move on.
You mentioned you felt extremely betrayed by the first intervention. However, it seems like this may be something that has been going on for awhile. Perhaps it would help to try counseling/therapy, without even focusing on the drinking for right now? Maybe you do need to be in a better mental state to decide to quit for good. I commend you for trying to find a way that works for you.
Lastly, as they say in almost every group, you don't have to decide to stop drinking forever. You just have to decide not to drink today. If that's too hard, decide not to drink for the next six hours (or however long you can commit). It has always amazed me that even three or four days of sobriety will inspire me to keep it up another three or four days.
I needed to do more in-depth counseling on my reasons for drinking. Prior to wanting to get sober for myself, I didn't know anything about co-dependence or how my father's alcoholism had affected my entire family. We never talked about it. I see now that a lot of my issues are due to never learning how to properly resolve things emotionally. I have finally realized that my key to sobriety is learning new behaviors and coping skills, as well as examining the past and finding a way to move on.
You mentioned you felt extremely betrayed by the first intervention. However, it seems like this may be something that has been going on for awhile. Perhaps it would help to try counseling/therapy, without even focusing on the drinking for right now? Maybe you do need to be in a better mental state to decide to quit for good. I commend you for trying to find a way that works for you.
Lastly, as they say in almost every group, you don't have to decide to stop drinking forever. You just have to decide not to drink today. If that's too hard, decide not to drink for the next six hours (or however long you can commit). It has always amazed me that even three or four days of sobriety will inspire me to keep it up another three or four days.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Todsy is day 5 and my resolve is wavering. It's Friday night and I'm sitting here alone watching tv. Not a totally uncommon thing for me, but I'm usually chugging beers and getting into other stuff. It's kinda convient that I have a sinus infection and started taking antibiotics bc I know if I drink it will counteract the medicine. So I've decided not to drink for tonight at least. Buts it's crazy. My mind keeps changing (the obsessions?). One minute I'm resolute in the benefits of stopping forever. The next I'm like **** it, let's get some beer and whiskey. I even keep changing my mind on how I want to accomplish getting sober. One moment it's like let's do AA, the next I'm like screw that I can do it on my own.
I went to a meeting last night. It was one that I frequented for six months. So I went and basically most people acted like they didn't know me. These are people I knew fairly well. So this is the hand of aa? To hell with that. I don't need judge mental people acting like they're better than me. They act like they're all special, when any day they could go back out. Some were even cracking jokes. If that is the response one gets when coming back in, I'm not going back again. Most successfully aa'ers have relapsed at some point.
I'm also battling some fierce depression. It's pretty scary really. I'm obsessing about my ex-gf's and wallowing in self pity. It's enough to make me want to drink just to feel better. Everyone will say its bc of the booze, but I wasn't much happier when I poured myself into aa and was sober for 6 months. I feel like aa'ers just blame all problems in alcohol, when it really may be only a part of problem. I feel like my experiences in aa have me so confused that I can't even drink moderately and enjoy it.
Summary: it's been 5 days without alcohol or drugs. Hasn't been impossible, but it's still an accomplishment. It's the longest since I started drinking again two months ago. I don't know how long I can go, but I won't drink tonight
I went to a meeting last night. It was one that I frequented for six months. So I went and basically most people acted like they didn't know me. These are people I knew fairly well. So this is the hand of aa? To hell with that. I don't need judge mental people acting like they're better than me. They act like they're all special, when any day they could go back out. Some were even cracking jokes. If that is the response one gets when coming back in, I'm not going back again. Most successfully aa'ers have relapsed at some point.
I'm also battling some fierce depression. It's pretty scary really. I'm obsessing about my ex-gf's and wallowing in self pity. It's enough to make me want to drink just to feel better. Everyone will say its bc of the booze, but I wasn't much happier when I poured myself into aa and was sober for 6 months. I feel like aa'ers just blame all problems in alcohol, when it really may be only a part of problem. I feel like my experiences in aa have me so confused that I can't even drink moderately and enjoy it.
Summary: it's been 5 days without alcohol or drugs. Hasn't been impossible, but it's still an accomplishment. It's the longest since I started drinking again two months ago. I don't know how long I can go, but I won't drink tonight
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Tobo, I'm glad you aren't drinking tonight. If AA isn't for you, that's fine. Find something or several things that make sense to you and work for you...and do them.
Consider the possibility that the irritation you are feeling, the obsessive thinking, the flip-flopping of your resolve...it's simply your addiction fighting to get a foothold again.
Have you read about any alternative methods?
Consider the possibility that the irritation you are feeling, the obsessive thinking, the flip-flopping of your resolve...it's simply your addiction fighting to get a foothold again.
Have you read about any alternative methods?
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
But Ive been so unhappy and unfulfilled that AA has me scared that if I don't do their program I will be a miserable dry drunk.
Set about finding what works for you. and don't drink.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Thanks for all of the positive support. I'm just trying to find where I fit into this whole sobriety thing. I acknowledge the many positive parts of being sober. But on the other hand alcohol does still appeal to me. Maybe Im not ready to fully commit to aa again. Maybe I will eventually need to, but need more misery before I can commit. Obviously if that's the case I would rather forgo the misery and commit now. But like most with these issues I'm defiant.
I do have Allen carr's book. I started reading it, but stopped bc I'm also reading Craig Fergusons book (which is great so far and highly recommended). I will also explore the smart method more this weekend.
I know I can def make it through tonight. Thanks for the support and non judge mental comments. I'm really a nice person and am just expressing myself here. I have a ton of respect for aa and the people it's helped. I'm just expressing the thoughts that go through my mind
I do have Allen carr's book. I started reading it, but stopped bc I'm also reading Craig Fergusons book (which is great so far and highly recommended). I will also explore the smart method more this weekend.
I know I can def make it through tonight. Thanks for the support and non judge mental comments. I'm really a nice person and am just expressing myself here. I have a ton of respect for aa and the people it's helped. I'm just expressing the thoughts that go through my mind
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
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Originally Posted by Tobo
I've been so unhappy and unfulfilled that AA has me scared that if I don't do their program I will be a miserable dry drunk.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Thanks D. But Ive been so unhappy and unfulfilled that AA has me scared that if I don't do their program I will be a miserable dry drunk.
I don't do AA - but I do work on my recovery - & I'm not a miserable dry drunk in any sense of that phrase
D
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Tobo, people have been getting sober since alcohol was invented and most did it with no program at all. Programs are all just a bunch of ideas put together by people and nothing more. There are many great programs out there but they are just tools, the desire and motivation to quit has to come from within you. Anyone who suggested that you would turn into a miserable dry drunk without a particular program is blowing smoke, that is complete nonsense.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Tobo, I've read through your post and what really stands out are 2 things. The first is that you're 36 and have been drinking heavily for 20 years, the second is that you have severe depression issues going on that are being professionally treated. I've dealt with depression/anxiety in the past and I know how incredibly hard it is to get motivated to do anything in that state.
I understand that it seems easy to justify the brief periods of relief when the alternative is crushing depression. The thing is though that no matter how bad the depression gets, the alcohol will only make it much worse as soon as it wears off. I'm sure you already know this but you see no better options when you feel that lousy. I've been there, done that as have many others on here. It's a terrible place to be stuck in but you can beat it.
I'm sure you understand that alcohol is a depressant, it will make a pre-existing depression a lot worse and you'll get the added bonus of a lot of anxiety thrown into the mix if you don't already have that. What alcohol left me with was depression/anxiety, racing thoughts, a sense of impending doom and a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. I didn't pray to get better, I prayed to go to sleep and never wake up.
To conquor this thing you must first get alcohol 100% out of the picture. You must accept the fact that you may feel lousy for quite a while but you must welcome that as the price you pay to be freed from the bondage. You also have to keep in mind that depression feeds on itself so you should find something you have a passion for, whether it's getting in the best shape of your life or learning something new, anything that will fill the void left by alcohol.
You'll also have to pick a program to help with the alcohol, remember they're all just tools so pick one you can get passionate about. Rational Recovery, AA, whatever you pick do it with passion. Remember that you can do it without a program but why would you when tools are available? If you want to cut a tree down would you whack at it with rocks or grab a tool, maybe a chainsaw to make the job easier.
I hope you find something that works Tobo, depression complicated with alcoholism is a bad place to get stuck in. Stay strong, stay positive and keep up the good fight!
I understand that it seems easy to justify the brief periods of relief when the alternative is crushing depression. The thing is though that no matter how bad the depression gets, the alcohol will only make it much worse as soon as it wears off. I'm sure you already know this but you see no better options when you feel that lousy. I've been there, done that as have many others on here. It's a terrible place to be stuck in but you can beat it.
I'm sure you understand that alcohol is a depressant, it will make a pre-existing depression a lot worse and you'll get the added bonus of a lot of anxiety thrown into the mix if you don't already have that. What alcohol left me with was depression/anxiety, racing thoughts, a sense of impending doom and a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. I didn't pray to get better, I prayed to go to sleep and never wake up.
To conquor this thing you must first get alcohol 100% out of the picture. You must accept the fact that you may feel lousy for quite a while but you must welcome that as the price you pay to be freed from the bondage. You also have to keep in mind that depression feeds on itself so you should find something you have a passion for, whether it's getting in the best shape of your life or learning something new, anything that will fill the void left by alcohol.
You'll also have to pick a program to help with the alcohol, remember they're all just tools so pick one you can get passionate about. Rational Recovery, AA, whatever you pick do it with passion. Remember that you can do it without a program but why would you when tools are available? If you want to cut a tree down would you whack at it with rocks or grab a tool, maybe a chainsaw to make the job easier.
I hope you find something that works Tobo, depression complicated with alcoholism is a bad place to get stuck in. Stay strong, stay positive and keep up the good fight!
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