Stewy84

Is there anybody you live with or around that you can get support from? Parents? Friends?

Are you in regular contact with your gp?

Tobo

I do suffer from depression. My drinking is just out of control on weekends. Today I want to quit, but by Wednesday I will feel better. I had prob 45+ beers this weekend and a few shots. I don't know what to do

strategery

Tobo, you're not the only one that has mixed emotions about quitting. I definitely have mixed emotions. In some ways, I feel like I'm losing something I've come to rely upon probably far too much to where there is some grief and a sense of loss. However, I know I need to quit. Things are not going to get better by continuing to drink. They're only going to get worse.

Ultimately, you need to figure out what you need to do and what kind of relationship you want to have with alcohol. I've come to the conclusion I need to be done with it. I thought I could keep it in check, but have come to the conclusion that is delusional thinking. I only get worse with continuing to drink. It may take you more time to come to the same conclusion. For me, it's been something hard to acknowledge about myself and something I haven't wanted to admit to myself. It's easier to deny that you have a problem than confront that you do have a problem since you don't have to make any changes and continue to do what you want to do. For me, it's not been comfortable to admit I have a problem, but I know going forward, I won't have alcohol derailing aspects of my life.

BackToSquareOne

I don't know of any other way than to give up the alcohol for good, it makes depression and anxiety much worse which can drive you to go back to alcohol for relief. You just go round and round in circles with alcohol in the picture.

Tobo

I'm also going to Las Vegas for a trip this weekend. Great timing. How do quit the week you go to Vegas?

strategery

Tobo, you're going to have to figure what is important to you and do some soul searching. I can guarantee you if you're feeling like $@*& from the alcohol during the weekend, you're not going to feel any better doing the same in Vegas.
Ultimately, you're going to have to be the one to make the decision to drink or not. None of us here can do that for you. I think you earnestly want to stop drinking and know it's messing up your life, but I don't get the sense you are ready to quit it just yet. It seems you're trying to justify to yourself why you're not getting sober. It is easier to keep making excuses and continue to drink rather than deal with the reality that you need to stop drinking entirely.

Stewy84

Why don't you try getting a hobby that involves you meeting up with other people, you mentioned you go running. How about transfer this skill to a group where there are others you can bounce off?

I play footie (uk) twice a week and it's at 9pm, it requires me to drive there so it illeviates even the chance of drinking or being tempted to drink until I need to leave at 815pm. Plus getting back at 1030pm meaning once I've had a shower it's bed time anyway.

Pagekeeper

In the last 5-10 years of my drinking, I went through something similar to what you seem to be experiencing: I wanted the bad things to stop happening, but I didn't want to give up the booze.

It's a terrible spot to be in, so I empathize. For me, it finally came to an end when I realized I had no control over whether I drank or not. Like you, I could stay sober for a few days, even a few months, but eventually I would start drinking again, and once I start drinking I cannot stop.

My opinion is that real alcoholics have a biological component as well as a psychological one. Our bodies just do not process alcohol like normal drinkers. We lack an enzyme or have the wrong enzyme or a genetic glitch maybe--I don't know--but physically we just don't process the stuff. Once we start drinking it becomes impossible to stop. Then we have this mental thing too ... this brain that talks us back into drinking, even with all of the consequences it convinces us somehow this time will be different.

It sucks.

So, for me, it was the realization that these two components make it extremely difficult for me to quit drinking and stay quit. I got sober through AA. I did the steps with a sponsor, and the mental part was cured. I no longer think about drinking. This makes it very nice because I really love the life I have now without alcohol. It takes some time to build a new life, but it does happen.

Now, if I were to drink again, there is no doubt I would have the same reaction to booze--I would not be able to stop drinking once I started. But since that nagging mental part is gone, and has been gone for years, I don't have to worry about it.

There are a few recovery options. SMART, Rational Recovery, AA. You're under no obligation to become a hardliner in any of them, but I do suggest you choose a program, get a plan, and find support if you want to get and stay sober.

Tobo

I'm done. I quit. It's over. Gonna give it a try again. Meeting tonight. All support is welcomed

strategery

Awesome Tobo!

Ionray

Are you still going to Vegas? Prolly not a good idea if you're serious about quitting.

Pagekeeper

How did the meeting go, Tobo?

Tobo

I didn't go. I am struggling with going to AA bc I don't know if I can commit myself to that program. I've done it before and many parts of it I struggled with. I haven't drank, but that's not unusual for me during the week. I'm mostly a binge drinker Wednesday-sunday.

I'm stuck in alcoholic purgatory. Should I quit? I don't want to quit! Should I quit? I don't want to quit! It's driving me crazy. It just becomes easier to drink and eventually the noise goes away. I'm so messed up.

Thanks for checking in

growpath

I wish you well Tobo. You can stop the madness any time

We are here for you if you need support.

Believe me, if I stopped the madness anyone including you can too!

I really wish you well

Pagekeeper

You remind me a lot of myself when I was active. I was an every day drinker for many years, then I became a binge drinker, always on and off the wagon. I was either trying to quit or I was drunk. I would wake up every morning and tell myself I was not going to drink, but I would end up drunk. Many alkies reach that point where they can't imagine their lives with or without alcohol. That's totally normal for an alcoholic. It sound like that is where you are.

There is a new life for you in sobriety. I sincerely hope you seek it now. Alcoholism only gets worse, never better.

soberlicious

Hi again,Tobo! I'm glad you're back.

Being in purgatory, unable to go forward or backward successfully...you can't quit, but you can't go on drinking either- That is the definition of addiction. It's how it's felt, to some degree, for all of us who have ever been caught in the throes of addiction.

Drinking holds nothing for you. Nothing. Any thoughts to the contrary are coming from the addicted part of you that is trying to stay alive.

It's time.

You can do this.

Tobo

Still alive, doing meeting tonight

Tobo

So got back from Vegas. It was kind of a mess for me as one could imagine. Dropped my iPhone and broke The screen. Wasted a ton of money and got ripped off a few times. Lucky I didn't get killed. My girlfriend is at her breaking point with me and going back to work was rough today. I look terrible and can't go on like this. Going to go to the meeting tonight, but I get so worked up when I consider stopping. My mind starts to bargain with itself and make excuses and other plans. I don't think I will be able to change

ScottFromWI

Anyone can change - you included. Your brain that bargains with you to drink is also the same brain that knows your drinking will be your demise if you keep doing it.

It's going to be work - and it's going to mean doing things you don't want to do. For starters, heading off to Vegas for the weekend should probably not be on your list of plans for a while. Spending some time here, hitting meetings and doing some reflection would be a far better choice.

Drinking will most likely take everything away - it's easy to bargain with yourself when you still have a girlfriend and a job.

Tobo

Went to a meeting, saw some people I used to now from previous attempts. My mind is freaking out, feels like an demon is inside of me. Part of me wants to stop drinking, the other side is screaming to chill out and just "dial" back my drinking. However when I'm honest I know I am only able to moderate for a period of time.