OceanSize

Sunday Mornings are hard.

This is about the time I wonder what my bf is up to, then i remember he doesn't love me anymore and isn't talking to me.

in 2 hours i will meet with my sponsor, but after that's over...i don't know what's next.

All i know is that I'll still be in my own skin.

The challenge in front of me today is to get out of my head and make a gratitude list and right now at this moment that just seems so hard.

I am so grateful for my sponsor and the plans we have for today. i'm really scared right now. Part of my head is telling me that i don't deserve the gifts of sobriety so i should just go ahead and mess it all up.

but i know intellectually that is not the case.

ugh, i really am an alcoholic, aren't i. It is a disease of the mind-body connection. right now my mind is a bit sick.

Thank you SR for being here, providing a space to work this out so that i may remain a sober woman, walking sad but at least dignified.

sugarbear1

Share this with your sponsor. Maybe the two of you can figure out a plan. I know where I am there's usually some kind of aa event and when there isn't, we create one!

sherman32

Don't bite on that voice. I had it it tell me alot of things. I used to get caught up in a loop regularly; I would drink because I felt bad, and I felt bad because I drink.

Breaking that routine was probably the most important thing I did to quit drinking. Instead of listening to your brain try to make you feel sorry for yourself, find some fun things to do that are rewarding and make you feel good.

I hope this helps, and it will get better with time!

artsoul

Hi OceanSize -

How's the gratitude list coming? I'm so sorry you're hurting and I can relate to how hard it is sometimes to stop the sad/negative thoughts. I do find gratitude to be really helpful (especially when nothing else seems to work). So let's see:

You have enough to eat and a place to sleep tonight, I'm guessing..... You're not in the hospital....... You're staying sober..... You have people that do care about you..... etc. etc...

That's kind of how I started practicing gratitude, just stopping to think that there are a lot of people in the world who don't even have the "basics." I also think it's awesome that you're dealing with some pretty strong emotions and doing it sober. Way to go!

DayTrader

Ocean.....sounds like you're discovering the same thing I did - that my real "issue" in life is......life itself. I didn't know how to live life sober.....and be happy at the same time. That's one of the things that really motivated me to get INTO the program a whole lot deeper - the realization that I needed a complete overhaul and that just "not drinking" wasn't going to do it.

I'll promise you though - if you're looking for a better way of life and......really......a whole NEW life.......keep going in the program, keep meeting with your sponsor, and keep trying to work the steps. You won't believe where it'll take you.

Boleo

Bad news - good news;

a) Once an alcoholic - always an alcoholic.

b) One need not always suffer from alcoholism.

At first I thought alcoholism was a cross to bare. That was when I looked at it from the perspective of a victim. Then, when I looked at it from the perspective of a student, I saw it was an opportunity to learn some new found wisdom.

"Happiness and misery are both an inside job".