tooling

Alcoholism is a personal thing. Whether there are forces that temp you to drink inside or outside of the home it's your responsibility to recognize.

I'm not one to talk though. I had a friend who took me back to drinking many times after I had quit a few times for a week or so.

You know what makes matters worse? Alcohol lowers your self control and let's others manipulate you easier.

Be sober, strong, and man your own ship. Then the cards will fall in your favor more of the time in life.

mhealer3

i disagree. twofold reason why:
1) blaming someone feels great, & it really works to get past the tough days to hate somebody's guts. it's human nature-- sincethe garden of eden-- adam blamed eve & she blamed the serpent(& adam blamed God). hahaha kinda comical really.
2)anyway here's why blaming REALLY WORKS 4 YOU:
after your anger burns out, u get kinda tired & then u get scared.
that's the perfect time to realize that God isn't mad @ u for anything.
by His Grace u can really forgive the jackass persons whose fault it is:
(namely YOURSELF, your spouse, or mother, or kid, or boss--whoever).
but u can also know that only certain people deserve a place in your life.
nobody's perfect, but God gave u life 2 enjoy...not destroy.
He will be your Strength to survive wout toxic people, & wout substances
here's the bottom line: God's gotta be first,--or you're just screwing yourself.
Truth in Love from new york, the heartofamama .....marilyn

danielleinto

I'm the wife of an alcoholic and I'll address this from that viewpoint.

I've been hurt again and again. What the spouse of an addict goes through each time they endure another drunken episode is abuse. I've built up a wall to protect myself. Some people call that detachment. When I heard again and again, "I'll change - I promise" and the promise was broken again and again I had to stop believing it to protect myself. I realize that my husband wants to quit drinking and he's tried many times but doesn't stick with any treatment so I've stopped getting my hopes up for a normal life. There came a point when I put the responsibilty of staying off of the booze on him. It is really draining to offer support to someone and have them hurt you again. The trust is completely gone and I'm done. It's not a threat anymore, I'm done.

As for putting blame on your partner for not dealing with your withdrawal. You researched it before hand and you knew what you might be facing. It was up to you to seek medical advice. Did you expect her to break your fall? What did you expect her to do?

I stay out of my husband's way. I do react to verbal abuse but basically I ignore him. He's not emotionally there and the trust is gone. I quit trying. You are a prisoner to your addiction but your partner is too.

When I dealt with withdrawal (not from alcohol) he stayed out of my way. It's all I expected.

I hope you make it and I wish you all the best.

GettingStronger2

I had excuses to drink, and they may have been legitimate, or understandable. and yes, i could blame. But i don't. and i am healthier because of it.

Peter G

I'll throw in 0.02 cents...

First off, one should never call a mechanic for advise on fixing a computer. Accepting the opinion of a girlfriend for your alcoholism treatment is no different from me asking my wife to pack my parachute should I decide to sky-dive. Had you elicited advice from AA, a doctor, counselor, or addiction specialist, the answer is more likely than not you'd still have an intact shoulder and not have suffered the absolute agony of seizures.

I have had a total shoulder replacement at 36 yrs of age BTW, thanks to a drunken bar brawl and a diagnosis of osteoporosis (brought on by alcoholism + steroid use). It's nothing nice - I feel for ya there mate, if it comes to that.

Secondly, and this all just MHO, but any woman who knows the amount I drank and is still telling me I'm a pu$$y for wanting to detox correctly, or that medical detox is rubbish ... well she wouldn't be my girlfriend for more than .5 seconds after she muttered those ridiculous statements. If anything, I'd be blaming myself for considering a person like that as someone worth sharing my time. Like I said though, just MHO.

I mean sure, she could have recognized the dangers of detoxing alone and given you a bit more respect than the knee jerk response you got, but honestly mate you should never have listened to a girlfriend over the advise of medical professionals, or ignored the tells you were getting from your own research into withdrawal. Alas, hindsight is always perfect.

Don't get me wrong, us booze hounds often get things wrong at exactly the worst moment. I've also done it alone when I should definitely have been hospitalized, and it cost me massively. No one had to call me a wimp, I was the one who thought I could "man up" and do it alone. Didn't work out well for me either - says my various seizures, stitches, scars, and piled up hospital bills.

In the end, the only person that truly owns any of the many forms of sh!te alcoholism produces is the person drinking themselves to death. Full stop.

Terminally Unique

But you didn't quit drinking when she called you that, you kept on drinking some more, and only later in the year, decided to quit cold turkey. I'm not saying that your ex is particularly charming, or that I don't feel for what happened to you, because I do, but you had the information on the risks. What did you in was relying on support over and above what you knew was correct.

This is going to sound very cold, and I am somewhat reluctant to post it, but your attitude is one that many take, to their own detriment.

• Any desire for support in order to quit drinking is nothing more than a plan to continue drinking in the absence of that support.
  
  
• Any desire for support in order to continue abstaining is nothing more than a plan to start drinking again in the absence of that support.

If you happen to have support, all the better, but don't drive yourself insane over how you deserve support, or how you surely should have had support, because once you go down that path, you are liable to start getting resentful. Your mind can easily twist that feeling into an excuse to either keep on drinking, or to start drinking again. Your quit is yours, and yours alone. The sooner you accept that, the more likely you are to succeed in your endeavor.

Perhaps your story will prevent another tragedy, though, and hopefully you can take some comfort in that.

Floss

I broke up with my ex two years ago. He is dependent upon alcohol. When I didn't understand alcoholism all that well except for the tremendous pain it causes to the person addicted and their loved ones, and even when I had more knowledge; it wasn't until I'd started serious recovery myself that my reactions to his behaviour changed.I was sick and getting sicker. In the last two years my latent alcoholism has reared it's head in the form of binge drinking and I found myself in AA, I've discovered a truck load of resentments that I never even knew were there. They'd been stuffed down for so long and were now coming up one by one. They were a huge trigger for my binging. I'd get the f**k you attitude and pick up a drink and couldn't stop drinking. I also noticed how easy it was for me to add to my resentments, picking up one here and there.

I've learnt in AA that nothing will make an alcoholic sicker than resentment and self-pity and for me that's so true. Now I admit I have resentments instead of sugar coating them or stuffing them down and then I stay alert because when I stew on it, I get the f**k it attitude now and this can lead to the feeling of having a drink. Meetings are good for me, speaking to older sober members helps, a sponsor if you have one. And then handing it over. I'm early in sobriety and I understand sobriety is more than putting down the drink. You can put the drink down for years as I did and still be alcoholic....It takes time and effort to become sober minded...

wellnowwhat

The "I'm gonna quit" loop is often very over-played and how the heck would she know that this time you actually are going to follow through?

And as for "any woman who knows the amount I drank..", well, we don't know. Usually that it is a much protected secret! Hidden bottles, secret drinks besides the public ones, usually by this time, we've stopped counting the empties.

The significant other is no more responsible for you deciding how and when to detox, whether you actually do it, whether you stick to as she was to blame for your drinking in the first place.

We did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it.

We are only responsible for ourselves, as you are responsible for you.

Floss

Hey, something I heard in AA...."resentment for an alcoholic is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"..

TwelveSteps

If anyone in my life had been unsupportive of my sobriety, it would have been solely MY fault for maintaining that unhealthy relationship. People can only cause you harm if you let them.

GG

MattM316

I understand all the points made here but I also know I was 100% about quitting at that time.
The next day or the day after when I felt things which we'ren't good, I read up more about withdrawal and basically said "ok change of plan, quitting cold turkey is not a good idea!".
All i'm saying, is that if the reaction had been "ah yeah i see your point, you better do this the right way" then things MIGHT have turned out better.
The negative reaction I got just knocked me back and I just carried on drinking until eventually I ended up ignoring the dangers which I was going on about.

I get the impression that a few people are suggesting that only you can do it yourself and you don't really need support. Which is odd considering that many on here go about to AA meetings etc. That isn't doing it by yourself, that is getting the utmost support.

I look back at what happened to me as a good thing now. Because not only did it make me finally and properly address my problem, but it also made me sort out my ingrowing toenail which I had for 15 years and had given me blood poisoning!

Anyway, now i'm only blaming my ex 5% for it
I was probably more annoyed that she's now going out with a Tottenham fan to be honest.

Dee74

I dunno about yo Matt but noone ever made me do anything I didn't want to do

I blamed every man and his dog for my drinking but the truth was...I still wanted to drink.,

All the annoyances and disrespect, all the problems, arguments irritations and lack of support....I turned them all into reasons to drink - noone else.

I can understand you having unresolved issues with your ex - but don't blame her for your drinking, man.

D

bellakeller

I go to AA for support so I don't have to inflict my need for support on those I love who have borne the burden of my alcoholism with me far too long.

"Support" is such an ill-used term anyway. What does "support" actually mean? And why do we feel our loved ones need to be the ones to step up all of a sudden just because we decide to get clean? Sometimes we expect way too much of the people closest to us.

LOL!

Mark75

When you get serious about recovery and all, let us know....

wellnowwhat

but I also know I was 100% about quitting at that time.
um, that didn't last long, just like all the other times we've heard this.

The negative reaction I got just knocked me back and I just carried on drinking until eventually I ended up ignoring the dangers which I was going on about.
'you did (this), so I ended up drinking again'. quack, quack, quack

I get the impression that a few people are suggesting that only you can do it yourself and you don't really need support. Which is odd considering that many on here go about to AA meetings etc. That isn't doing it by yourself, that is getting the utmost support.
AA and recovered alcoholics are the proper support systems for you, and your friends in recovery on SR.

(Man U fan here)

DayTrader

Matt..... the past is the past. I know you know that.

As for TODAY, right this minute....now..... you've got a life to life. Regardless of what happened, why it happened, how it could have or should have gone...it's all irrelevant in the here and now. To be fair, the past does effect us, but not nearly as much as the choices we make today will effect us.

Sometimes playing the victim can seem comforting. It's a coping method.....just not a very good one. It's not one that usually leads to much more than hurt feelings and a decreased ability to move forward in life.

When I get caught up in my past, the things that were done "to" me, the things I did wrong, the things others did wrong....... I can pretty-much guarantee I'm going to have a bad day today. All those bad todays, those are on me, they're my fault - not the other ppl's fault.

In AA there's a lot of work one does on "resentments" : the re-feeling of "old" feelings. They're dangerous...not only for sobriety but also for one's mental state. For most alkies, they tend to conclude with yet another bender.

AA is about 5% "support" and 95% working the program. Meetings, advice, support......it's all well and good but if that's all there was to it, I doubt any alkie in AA would get or stay sober.

Terminally Unique

Addicted people tend to use the "I don't have support" line of thinking as an excuse to keep on drinking, or to go back to drinking. Every time I read on these boards "I can't quit/I can't stay sober because I don't have support from my wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/family (take your pick)," I cringe.


Bellakeller put it well:


So did Dee:


So did DayTrader:

SindyLuhu

Matt,
I don't think you can blame her for what you went through. The bigger issue, IMO, is that you told her what was going on and she chose to ignore it or not support you...I would question the relationship. The point is, you're making efforts to improve your life and well-being now. She has to accept that. And if it's a solid relationship I would think that she would support you in your decision. If she doesn't offer support now...she may be toxic to your successful recovery. Just a thought...

soberman268

Remember, you are saying "No" to something while she is used to hearing "Yes".
You are in the process of change. Maybe she is not.
How can she possibly treat you as who you used to be?