Sobriety ruined my marriage
Moment of Conception
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Planet Tragedy
Posts: 453
Heh Hi!
1st off, your user name tickles me :-)
2nd, sobriety hasn't ruind your marriage, but maybe something else, like alcohol abuse even!
Poss' how your marriage grew with the abuse as part of the equation, just doesn't fit with your (or his, or both) altogether new take on things.
I dunno, it just sruck me.
Concider that angle, if it makes sense to you. :-)
1st off, your user name tickles me :-)
2nd, sobriety hasn't ruind your marriage, but maybe something else, like alcohol abuse even!
Poss' how your marriage grew with the abuse as part of the equation, just doesn't fit with your (or his, or both) altogether new take on things.
I dunno, it just sruck me.
Concider that angle, if it makes sense to you. :-)
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by 5brats 
..maybe I just didn't realize how this guy treats me like **** and talks down to me ALL of the time. I have been sober for three months and I am ready to end a twenty year marriage.
Turns out that delusional thinking was what got me into my marriage in the first place and it was delusional thinking that held it together for as long as it did.
I have come to appreciate that there is a good reason why delusional thinking has evolved in us humans. Without it, very few of us would get married or have kids. Our very survival as a species depends on it LOL!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It doesn't sound like sobriety "ruined" anything. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship in any way.
Of course, I'm only hearing your version of it. Usually there is another side, and I simply don't have enough information to know which came first, your dysfunctional relationship or the alcoholism, and how, exactly, your husband's behavior might be a response to your drinking.
Unless there is physical abuse (in which case, you should plan to get out, safely, as soon as possible) or extreme mental, emotional, or verbal abuse, my suggestion is that you wait until you've been sober for a year to make any major decisions about the marriage.
Put your sobriety first--it will put you in the best position to make the healthiest choice for yourself.
Of course, I'm only hearing your version of it. Usually there is another side, and I simply don't have enough information to know which came first, your dysfunctional relationship or the alcoholism, and how, exactly, your husband's behavior might be a response to your drinking.
Unless there is physical abuse (in which case, you should plan to get out, safely, as soon as possible) or extreme mental, emotional, or verbal abuse, my suggestion is that you wait until you've been sober for a year to make any major decisions about the marriage.
Put your sobriety first--it will put you in the best position to make the healthiest choice for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 9
Of course there are two sides to this or any story, I am venting alot I guess. The marriage wasn't perfect before I quit drinking and I guess I was stupid to think that my life would magically become better once I quit drinking. I guess I did expect him to be happy about it maybe even proud of me. I really did not expect him to prefer me drinking. He really seems resentful at times that I quit, when I bring it up he says well I never told you to quit drinking!! I don't know...I'm not trying to come across as a victim, I'm just venting. I really just never heard of a relationship suffering because of sobriety. I want him to be happy for me and respect me. Instead I feel like he was happier with the way things were.
I'm soo confused!!! Please excuse the whining... Ugh lol
I'm soo confused!!! Please excuse the whining... Ugh lol
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nah, whining and venting are allowed, just don't waste too much energy on it.
One of the things I have heard "in the rooms" that I like is that expectations are premeditated resentments.
Give it some time, maybe he will come around, or maybe you will discover you have outgrown him. It IS disappointing when people aren't happy with the fact that we are getting better. Hang in there, and DON'T let it discourage you from reclaiming your life!
One of the things I have heard "in the rooms" that I like is that expectations are premeditated resentments.
Give it some time, maybe he will come around, or maybe you will discover you have outgrown him. It IS disappointing when people aren't happy with the fact that we are getting better. Hang in there, and DON'T let it discourage you from reclaiming your life!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 14
Hi there
Hi there 5 Brats,
You know that song Toby Keith sings" you aint no fun since I quit drinking" lol
Give it some more time. It's only been three months and I'm sure both of you have some adjusting to each other and your actions toward each other. I know that when I drink on a frequent basis, one day runs into the next. Now you have a clear head and everything is suppose to be good. All those years you drank may left some damage behind my friend. So, just take it easy and take a back seat for a few more months. Give it some time .
Mike
You know that song Toby Keith sings" you aint no fun since I quit drinking" lol
Give it some more time. It's only been three months and I'm sure both of you have some adjusting to each other and your actions toward each other. I know that when I drink on a frequent basis, one day runs into the next. Now you have a clear head and everything is suppose to be good. All those years you drank may left some damage behind my friend. So, just take it easy and take a back seat for a few more months. Give it some time .
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
your problem is a lot like mine. When I was drunk I let people roll all over me. I payed for my bf who was without a job and worked, cleaned etc. He did nothing but abuse me. Once I started to clean up I recognized things and we broke up. Sometimes splitting up is for the best. With time your confidence will grow, you will grow and handle situations different and you will recognice you deserve to be treated way better and that you deserve to be made happy. If he is not making you happy and treats you badly, believe me you deserve better and can do better easily. Men will stand in line to get to know you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
5brats, what you said about him finding reasons to incorporate alcohol offerings into the picture kind of speaks to what I was saying earlier - how people try to maintain the "normal" that is there. For all I know - and I don't - having you in the position of drinker might fit into the groove he wants as the person who has something to pick on. I don't know all the answers, but there are dynamics to a relationship. The hand either fits the glove nicely or it's an ordeal, but there's a hand a glove one way or another. It sounds like you are looking into this situation, and about all I can say is to keep doing that and find the best solution. We put Not Drinking way up high on the list when we quit and feel like we are getting on the right path, so it's natural to have an aversion to influences around us that don't sing the same tune as we do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Western PA
Posts: 416
5brats, I can definitely relate. When I first quit I thought that everything would just magically get better. I have struggled with my wife in that regard. It was like she didn't have her biggest weapon to use against me when things weren't going good. My drinking was an easy excuse for everything that went wrong in our household. Well, as we are both finding out, there are problems in life in sobriety too. Please give it some time. It took years of drinking to make things the way they are. It will probably take a little longer than 3 or 4 months for them to be the way we envision.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 9
Coop1, I think that's it!! He can't blame EVERYTHING on my drinking!! He still even acts like I don't remember things lol. It's like hey "husband" I have complete recall now stop trying to change what was said or how things really went down. thank you everyone!!
I can't believe how helpfull it is just to have others to talk to about these things, it's very nice to know I'm not alone. ♥
thank you everyone!! I can't believe how helpfull it is just to have others to talk to about these things, it's very nice to know I'm not alone. ♥
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
I'd go very slow with thoughts of divorce. Divorce is a huge hassle, emotionally, and it eats up a lot of your time & energy. Sit down with a piece of paper, and list all the things you'll need to do after you make the statement to your spouse, 'I want a divorce'.
You'll see it's no easy thing, because marriage is a legal construct, and not only an emotional commitment.
There's a good book on amazon.com called "Too bad to stay, too good to leave." The author has a lot of checklists and such, to help you make your decision. Plus, she gives a lot of options besides divorce.
You can always find an apt by yourself for a couple months, try it on for size, before committing to the end so suddenly.
You'll see it's no easy thing, because marriage is a legal construct, and not only an emotional commitment.
There's a good book on amazon.com called "Too bad to stay, too good to leave." The author has a lot of checklists and such, to help you make your decision. Plus, she gives a lot of options besides divorce.
You can always find an apt by yourself for a couple months, try it on for size, before committing to the end so suddenly.
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