Tetra

I have a big exam the day after tomorrow. I was quite calm about the whole thing until today, when I started to panic and feel sick. I have been having bad dreams as well.

I have seriously thought about drinking. I went to the store today to get a few items, and I found myself in the aisle where they have all the wines/beers etc. I picked up a bottle of wine and was looking at it. I started to feel really sick so I put it back on the shelf and went out to get some air. A man followed me out of the shop. I was watching him for a few minutes. He dumped his bag on the ground and pulled out a small bottle of whiskey, and started gulping it down, and didn't seem to care who was watching. He was gulping that whiskey the same way I gulp water when I'm just back from a jog. I wanted to cry, just watching him. I felt so sorry for that man. That was me back then, just substitute vodka/wine for whiskey. I went back inside, got some groceries and left.

I am at home now with a glass of sparkling fruit juice, and I can't get that guy out of my head. I had tears in my eyes when I saw him. I still feel sick, just thinking about my paper on Friday. At least I have a nice weekend planned...I am meeting friends for pizza and a movie.

doggonecarl

No reason to panic. I bet you've taken big tests before and have the track record to prove you'll do fine.

Great job resisiting temptation! Stay strong.

robgt350

this is exactly how i got started drinking. i became so nervous and had test anxiety. i actually had an instructor tell us students we should have a small glass of wine before class to calm our nerves. i hate to admit it, but it worked. but now i listen to music on the way to school.

chrissp

One issue is that, aside from inflating confidence, 1-2 units of alcohol can improve your cognitive and creative mental processes with statistical significance. I was practically a textbook example at one point. I aced everything I did in my early alcohol dependence. I put a double shot of rum in my coffee right before my Ph.D. oral comprehensive qualifying exam in 2010 (by far the most stressful thing I have done in my life), and absolutely smoked it. I got a major grant funded as a student. Full tenured professors have a less than 10% funding rate for these grants. This kickstarts a positive feedback. "Hey! Wait! Booze = Success!!!"

But, obviously, for alcoholics, this as a long term solution is untenable. For us, what goes up, comes down catastrophically. I KNOW could have done all of those things sober. I got a Masters and admission into a PhD program without booze. I got papers published without booze.

Much of the same applies to caffeine, it really is a performance enhancing drug when it comes to mental function and cognitive ability.

I can't consume either, and, to be honest, my physical "feeling well", or quality of life, FAR makes up for any edge caffeine or booze might have given me, but you have to make your cognitive brain as confident in that knowledge as your base brain is about consuming alcohol or caffeine. I feel much better and more clearheaded about the quality of my current work.

Dee74

As someone who's taken a lot of exams, and marked several thousand more for several years at college level, I'm disappointed when people even suggest that alcohol might be an answer - for anyone.

I could always tell the drinkers - overwhelmingly, it made the good students less good, and the average students more average.

I particularly want to stress to anyone reading here at SR, alcohol is not a solution here.

Very few of us here are capable at stopping at that one glass to 'steady the nerves' or whatever bollocks we might tell ourselves....

and none of us can confidently predict the effect even one glass of alcohol might have on us anyway. We're alcoholics.

Tetra I'm sure you've had exams before and you'll have them again - I'm sure you've studied hard too & have a day or two to study some more - you'll be OK

Best wishes
D

MsJax

You have a huge heart. Empathy and compassion are such wonderful qualities.

Best wishes for you on your exam, Tetra. Good job on getting your groceries and going on home.

Grungehead

It sounds like you saw that man when you needed to during a weak moment. I don't know if you believe in a higher power or not but that was the first thing I thought of when I read your post.

laurie6781

When I read this in your post, I immediately thought: "God Shot." Your HP gave you a great 'nudge.' And you were able to then go in and buy your groceries and go home. I have said an extra prayer "for those that still suffer" and included him in the prayer.

I believe you will do GREAT on your exam!

Love and hugs,

soberclover

I totally agree with the "god shot" statement; I believe that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that the words I'm reading from you Tetra are from someone who is actively recovering! You are an inspiration that things do change and that we get better. You will do great on your exam!

Tetra

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply. It means a lot to me.

I am sitting here with my notes and I am terrified...I have not taken an exam since 2008.

I am seriously contemplating not turning up...I did that once before...I knew there was no chance of me passing that exam. It was not one of my best decisions.

Just had to run to the bathroom to get sick. Anxiety sucks. I thought that paralyzing, horrible fear that I used to get had gone, but it has reared its ugly head tonight.

Dee74

I was never good at exams either but it's a couple of hours - you can do this Tetra
best wishes

D

Tetra

It's 3:22 here and I can't sleep. I was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and thinking back to 2008/2009. God, I was in such a bad state back then.

I got a phone call tonight from a friend of mine, (he's from Pakistan), he just wanted to wish me good luck for tomorrow.

Back in 2009, I was dating this guy, also from Pakistan. He always used to say to me "you have amazing eyes"...I said "in what way"...he used to say "I don't know if you know this, but your eyes tell me a lot more than your lips".

I remember too, he said to me once, "you always wear jeans...I have never seen you in a dress"....and he asked me to go to a clothes shop with him and try on a few dresses to see how they looked. So I did and I came out of the changing room to show him. He was looking at me silently, and then he said "it's a pretty dress but you look so uncomfortable".

Sorry for rambling, it's late here and I am reflecting on my life...but I do cringe when I think about the old me. The new me would tell him to get lost...

Tetra

I was so, so shy as a teenager...painfully shy. I remember I had to do an interview to get into my postgraduate course. I remember my Gran said to my dad at the time "Tetra should have a glass of wine before she goes in". I did and I didn't get in. I did get in the second time, I admit I had been drinking the previous night.

Dee74

I think it's good to keep a sense of perspective - this is one exam...I doubt it's all of your assessment - is it?

In any case, I'm sure you've done all you reasonably can to prepare Tetra

D

Tetra

That's true - it's not. I have had many assessments throughout the year. Just my mum said something to me earlier. And I was in my dads study this afternoon printing notes out...I found some old photos of me which upset me a lot...

Deckard

Tetra, just wanted to say thanks for posting this. I will have an upcoming exam in about a year... A pretty big deal, to maintain my professional license. I had not thought about this exam in terms of sobriety until I read your post. Now I realize I need to start thinking about this big stressor and staying sober way ahead of time, and make a good plan.

Thanks again and I hope you are doing well.