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|10-08-2010, 10:50 AM||#1 (permalink)|
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Can an Alcoholic live with someone who drinks?
Hi all, I've been sober for a year and some time now. By the end of my drinking, I weighed 96 pounds, looked like **** and actually was a day or two away from death from anemia and whatever else was ailing me if I hadn't entered rehab when I did.
My husband has continued to drink and I've been told by my counselor that I have to suck it up and recover despite his usage. I don't think my husband is an alcoholic. He doesn't drink like me and he doesn't create the kind of chaos and pain that I did when I was active. But he does drink every day and has since I met him 17 years ago.
I've asked him to not bring the hard stuff in the house and by no means set foot here with a box of wine (I was a really talented sneaky drunk and boxed wine is so easy to take without detection). He does keep bottles of wine in the house and I know he keeps the hard stuff in his car. I used to go visit the liquor in his car, waving at it and sticking my tongue out at it before I once relapsed by chugging it before I was really committed to getting sober.
So I know the potential is there. I work a program every day and have a really solid support system which includes my husband but it kind of irks me that he continues to use the stuff that almost killed me.
I don't know. I guess "irks" is a good word because I feel pretty strong around his using otherwise. It only bugs me occasionally.
Any thoughts would be welcome. Thanks in advance.
I took month-long vacations in the stratosphere and y'know it's really hard to hold your breath
And I swear I lost everything I ever loved or feared, I was the cosmic kid in full costume dress. ~Springsteen
|10-08-2010, 11:06 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
My husband drinks, about once a month.. maybe 2 glasses of wine. I have no idea where he even keeps the wine to be honest. He didn't drink around me for about 6 months into my sobriety, didn't have a drink at home for over 2 years.. but I'm cool with it now, and have been for a long time, I have absolutely no desire to drink.
However, if he drank more often.. I might have to reconsider my "ok"ness with it. I would never live with a heavy drinker, or alcoholic.
|10-08-2010, 11:11 AM||#3 (permalink)|
12-Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: May 2010
I didn't have to deal with that but I'll say this.... I didn't want anyone changing for me because they felt sorry for me "cuz I hav teh alkoholizm"
Ya know.....booze is MY problem and I didn't want to have to avoid it, duck it, stay away from everyone who drinks it, avoid all the places that serve it, and so on.
The cats in AA promised me none of that would be an issue, I'd never have to drink again, and I could be as happy or more happy while doing it then I really ever was before. Did I believe a word of that? nope Have I been able to prove any of it wrong yet, in 3 yrs? nope
AA was the best thing I've ever been dragged, kicking and screaming, into! lol
"We can't solve our problems using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - Albert Einstein
/-all BB quotes-1st. Edition-\
|10-08-2010, 11:19 AM||#4 (permalink)|
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: eastern USA
Blog Entries: 31
I live alone so have no experience with this. But I can say that living with a practicing alcoholic might just drive me nuts. There are many people here who live with drinkers and keep their sobriety, so it IS possible, however frustrating it might be.
I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.
Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.
Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus
Find the good and praise it. - Alex Haley
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|10-08-2010, 11:26 AM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Blog Entries: 2
I live alone also and would not live with someone that drank everyday, occassional social drinking (even weekly) is fine with me but if someone needs it every day then I don't need them.
Perhaps some couples counseling might benefit you since he doesn't seem to respect your wishes that he not bring the stuff in the house.
"Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up"
"With God all things are possible"
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|10-08-2010, 11:35 AM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
I have 2 years and 9 months sober, and I live with a drinker. He never stopped bringing it in the house. He never stopped drinking in front of me. Every night, I pour a glass of wine for him and set it next to his dinner plate.
It's not easy. I enjoyed hard liquor best of all. I can smell it when he has a glass of tequila or scotch. After so much time, I can no longer tell the difference. I can just smell that hard liquor. If I'm down or depressed, it smells so heavenly.
I had to come to a conclusion: I am a little fish in the big pond. My husband's drinking is his drinking. He's never drunk or abusive. He's a good man, and I love him. I try very hard not to include myself (even mentally) in his drinking. I just sort of put the mute button on it and tolerate it. Meditation is helping me learn not to dwell on things.
Now, I do have my limits. I won't sit with him in bars. I do not enjoy being around a bunch of braying drunks. I won't go into liquor stores, though I will buy his beer and wine at the grocery.
It helps that he never teases me about not drinking, and he never offers me a drink. My not drinking is my thing. His drinking is his thing.
Life is just a leap of faith. Spread your arms and hold your breath. Always trust your cape.
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|10-08-2010, 12:26 PM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2010
I think it's a personal thing... But by the force of circumstances in my life, I live with no less than two people who drink just about every day, leave empty beer and wine bottles around, and generally make no effort to consider how it affects me.
I think that's okay. The key is what you do. You have to tell yourself 'I won't look in the liquor cabinet because there is nothing there for me.' If a bottle is lying on the table, it doesn't bother me. If I went looking for it in a beer fridge, obviously that would. I really don't like the idea of other people changing just because of me... YOU have to change, not the world around you.
So yeah, it's definitely possible. If you let it get under your skin, it might be brutal, however.
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|10-08-2010, 12:54 PM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Aug 2010
I live with my parents and there is plenty of beer/liquor/wine in the house. I don't touch nor have I really ever drank any of their alcohol even when I was drinking, so it never enters my mind.
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|10-08-2010, 02:13 PM||#9 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: New England
My wife is an alcoholic. Drinks every night at home. We used to drink together and have a good old time, and now she drinks alone. I told myself in the beginning of my sobriety that I would focus on myself, not worry about what she's doing and when I was stronger, say at my six month sobriety, I would "deal" with her situation. Well it's been 7 months sober now and I'm still looking the other way and haven't really faced the issue yet.
For me the main issue is we're no longer a real couple. Once she's home from work and starts drinking, our interaction stops. No sense in having stupid conversations that she won't remember anyway.
I know I have to deal with this, but I'm still feeling somewhat fragile about my own sobriety, and I'm not sure I can handle the drama and emotional pressure that will probably result.
Sorry, that probably doesn't answer your question, I was just venting.
|10-08-2010, 03:40 PM||#10 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2006
It is a very personal decision..My hubby drinks, rarely now...before he was drinking right along with me....and just after I quit he was getting drunk, and I let him know that he was hindering my sobriety...I won't tolerate living with a drunk...you just have to set your own boundaries on that...xo
|10-08-2010, 04:07 PM||#11 (permalink)|
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Yeah, I think it's pretty personal. I didn't have any alcohol in the house for the first several years of my first husband's sobriety. Eventually I asked whether it would bother him if I bought one bottle of brandy for the holidays. He said no, but he wanted it gone when the holidays were over. He told me later he appreciated that.
I guess it depends on how important it is to you, whether you've communicated that to him clearly, and his reasons for disregarding your wishes. If it's merely an irritant, like someone who doesn't pick up his socks, that's one thing. If it bothers you a great deal and he ignores it or otherwise seems unsupportive of your sobriety, that's another.
I live alone now, and although I'm not "in the market" for a relationship right now, I can't imagine getting into one with someone who is more than a very occasional social drinker. Maybe later it won't make a difference to me, who knows?
~ one breath at a time
|10-08-2010, 06:28 PM||#12 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
I'm single myself...but I can't picture myself with someone who drinks with any regularity...mainly because the smell makes me gag and I can't imagine kissing someone with alcohol on their breath. Visiting my family of heavy drinkers has not been problematic despite the plethora of alcohol in open containers around.
I think it depends on the individual and while I agree with the concept that no one should change because of my problem...a spouse is more than just anyone...they are your partner and other half...if I almost died of a substance I wouldnbe very hurt that they kept drinking it every night in front of me.
Happy, Happy! Joy, Joy! - Ren & Stimpy
There is no room for fear in a grateful heart.
|10-08-2010, 07:02 PM||#13 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2010
I don't see how you can love someone who has nearly died from drinking then drink in front of them in their early recovery.
|10-08-2010, 08:20 PM||#14 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Wausau WI
Yea. That would really bother me as well, if I was recovering and my husband drank all the time in the house and had alcohol around. Luckily my husband does not drink, he actuallly hates drinking. but I'm sorry you have to go through that. It must be hard, cuz its there, the temptation, like a tease almost. If I were you, I would try to get your husband not to have too much alcohol around, or to keep it out of your reach or something. Talk to him about it. He should understand how you feel.
|10-08-2010, 08:23 PM||#15 (permalink)|
Join Date: Sep 2010
My wife will have a glass of wine or 2 at dinner once a week. She will typically ask if it's ok if she has a glass. I think it depends on the unique situation and relationships. It doesn't bother me.
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|10-08-2010, 10:44 PM||#16 (permalink)|
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
I don't drink anymore, but my partner drinks everyday. When I would take breaks from drinking or when the therapist suggested I stop drinking, his drinking and everyone elses drinking really bothered me.
But now that I have accepted the fact that I am no longer a drinker, I really don't give a damn, it really doesn't bother me. I realized I was using that as an excuse to relapse if I ever got weak enough.
We just went to a party tonight, that a friends of ours had for his Birthday, it was a great time, and yes there was alcohol all over the place, but my not drinking doesn't have anything to do with anybodies drinking and vice versa.
The only place I draw the line is when he passes out at the table or with his clothes on or whatever, I let him deal with that situation. The old "drinking me" would have wasted countless time waking him and taking his clothes off, but now I don't bother, it's his problem.
"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."
|10-08-2010, 11:58 PM||#17 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2010
Blog Entries: 3
For me, I got sober with alcohol in the house (not my choice of drink though) and my husband was very supportive of not drinking around me in the beginning. He never really went to the bars and was not a big drinker himself so it wasn't like a major change for him.
Does he have the occasional glass of german beer? Yes. He probably had his first after I got sober....maybe 3 weeks in and I believe he asked me.
I have found that while he never really drank before....he drinks even less now. I don't think it is because of me....cause he would have tossed every bottle of booze out. He believes that it is on the person to achieve and maintain sobriety. He will be respectful and supportive but he is not going to carry the burden for another's addiction. Both of us agree - don't have a group of pals over for a weekly drunk bash....not my bag and not in my home thank you.
Personally....I think anybody is a better person without the bottle (not just me the alcoholic) and I am glad that he has reduced his drinking even further. Just healthier living.
“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
|10-09-2010, 12:25 AM||#18 (permalink)|
The question could be would an alcoholic want to live with someone who drinks everyday and that is something to find out when the alcoholic has finished all the initial work and changed inside and is then a sane, mature, recovered alcoholic...your counselor is right at this stage your recovery is your own...at least your hubby hsan't quit drinking to 'support' you and you haven't made him your higher power so will have to search elsewhere, you might be grateful of all this in the future:-)
|10-09-2010, 05:26 AM||#19 (permalink)|
Living sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Denver, CO
My husband drinks about once a week or so.. 2 beers, max. He's never buzzed, there's never liquor laying around.. sometimes an open wine bottle in the cabinet that goes bad before he even drinks the entire thing. It doesn't bother me, he's not an alcoholic. And, while I totally understand the 'no one should have to change because of MY problem' thing, I'm really grateful that at first, for a few months, he didn't drink, and there wasn't any alcohol in the house for over a year. He's not an alcoholic, it made no difference to him, and I felt a little extra support because of it.
I could not live with an alcoholic, or even with someone who got drunk on occasion. Not because it would make me want to drink, but I just don't surround myself with people that do such things. I have little tolerance for it I guess..
They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods. ~Edith Wharton
|10-09-2010, 06:53 AM||#20 (permalink)|
Join Date: Sep 2010
My husband is pretty considerate about not drinking around me. Occasionally he will have a glass of wine or two at home but not very often. I wouldn't be too thrilled about living with a heavy drinker and would definitely not live, or be involved with, an alcoholic. I'm very committed to my recovery and I just don't have room for that kind of drama and/or temptation in my life.
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