It does not feel quite right

[Grim1]

Hi there

This is all pretty new to me, English is not my first language as I am from South Africa, so patience please. At this point I have a feeling that all is not well, but I would really appreciate your thoughts.

I am 38 years old, have been working at the same company for the past 20 years, part of top management and have never missed a day of work unless on leave or really, really ill, bronchitis, pneumonia that kind of thing. I have a lovely wife (married 14 years) and a clever, sporty 10 year old girl. Running is my other passion and I compete over distances ranging from 10km to 90km (6 miles to 56 miles) including the grueling Comrades Ultra Marathon one of the tougher races in the world, which I have completed on three occasions.

I had a pretty uneventful childhood, my dad was a heavy drinker and all my uncles on that side of the family have the same problem. I started drinking around the age of 17 mostly on weekends. The past 12 years or so I have been drinking 3 to 6 beers (340ml cans) every night while my wife and daughter are getting ready for bed or watching a movie. I would be playing a game on the pc downing some beers. Sometimes I will have 3, sometimes 6. I never get falling down drunk and I don't get abusive. I don't have a beer until everything is sorted for the day and we are ready to go to bed (around 7pm). I am not drinking more than I was 10 years ago, always between 3 and 6 and maybe 8 or 9 once a year. I don't have a problem stopping at 3 or 4 beers, but two is not enough.

However, I find a few things disturbing.
- I have to have a few beers every night.
- Getting home and there is no beer in the fridge is a scarey thought, when I come back from my early morning run I would check the fridge and make sure I have enough beer for the evening.
- Sometimes I can't remember whether I let the dog out the previous night, or what I did just before going to bed. I would check the bin to make sure how many beers I had the night before. Aaah only four, things are still okay.
- I find myself thinking about beer during the day, if I am having a bad one I would think 'Just hang in there, that beer tonight will be good'
- I have to be really ill, not to have a beer in the evening. I think in the last year (while healthy) I had two days without a beer. The evening after finishing Comrades (because I felt like crap) and last night.
- My nose is turning red (this is silly, but it really bugs me)
- I would sit at the dinner table at night with my wife and daughter chatting away, but I won't eat anything because that beer tastes so much better on an empty stomach. I would eat before going to bed.
- I have an obsessive / addictive personality, although I gave up smoking more than 10 years ago without any problems.
- I suffer from nocturnal panic attacks since I was a child, I would wake up at night and it would feel as if I am losing my mind. I alwasy thought the beer would help to prevent these attacks
- I drink alone as I am an introvert.


It's a strange situation as I don't drink during the day even at parties and other social events.

Going without beer yesterday evening was not much fun. I felt weak on my run this morning and I am moody and pretty depressed. The whole idea of giving up seems rediculous. The first thing my wife said when I told her I am giving up drinking was ' Are you crazy? There is nothing wrong with you' She does not drink and I am not sure she understands. I would like to believe all is well, but is it? Really?

[Impurrfect]

(((Grim1))) - welcome to SR!! BTW, you're English is just fine

You're the only one who can say whether the drinking is causing you a problem, or whether you're an alcoholic. It seems to me that it IS bothering you, and you have valid concerns.

Most people who have problems with drinking (or drugs) don't realize they have a problem until it's too late, or else they think "it's not that bad". Unfortunately, over time, it usually DOES get "that bad".

Not all problem drinkers and/or alcoholics drink every day. Many can go for a while, then binge or drink more than they'd planned on, or like.

I admire you for looking at this, before it's become a BIG problem. You may want to read around the site, and not drink for a while....see if you can handle it.

It's 3a.m., where I am, but I'm sure others will be along, soon to welcome you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

[Grim1]

Thank you, Amy. I was on this site most of yesterday and read many touching stories. I feel a little stupid posting here when so many people have serious problems.

[CarolD]

Welcome.....

According to the US Center for Disease Control
moderate drinking is no more than 2 beers daily.

Drinking on an empty stomach is just not wise
alcohol can harm your digestive organs and processes.
Only a doctor can tell you if that is going on at this point.

I do think that mentally obcessing over alcohol is a red flag.
Getting out of the drinking routine sure won't
hurt anything. Trust your "not right" feeling.

All my best to you and your family

[Impurrfect]

((((Grim1))) - you are far from stupid. In fact, I think you're pretty wise If I had stopped using drugs when I first thought "hmmmm, I think there may be a problem here", I could have saved myself a WHOLE lot of painful consequences.

I've found, for most people, it's harder to stop when we aren't quite sure there IS a problem. Unfortunately, it's like a switch goes off - one day you can quit with minimal inconvenience, the next day you can't quit until you're spiraling down. We never know if, or when, that switch will be flipped.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

[kiki5711]

I think the reason you look so forward to those moments with your beer is cause they're relaxing moments out of the realm of other daily grind. It's like being in a different little world, for a bit. So, looking forward to the beer, is looking forward to "time out", "happy time out" by yourself.

At least that's what it was for me. I use to just sit in my van and drink my beer or wine. Just staring out at the back yard. It was my alone time. Nobody's voices, nobody asking me to do something, nobody telling me I have to go somewhere. Just me and my beer and my view and my thoughts.

If you had asked me to give up drinking then, I'd tell you to go to hell. But, it's what made me land in rehab. By the time I entered rehab, I was starting to drink 7 in the morning. (It didn't start out that way). Searching for that "my moment" high. I have not returned to work yet at that time as I was just getting over a battle with cancer.

Drinking was my way of escaping from everything that was making me miserable.

Good luck to you, best wishes.

[AlcoholicOrNot]

Originally Posted by Grim1

Thank you, Amy. I was on this site most of yesterday and read many touching stories. I feel a little stupid posting here when so many people have serious problems.

Grim1,

Welcome! Please don't feel stupid for thinking other people have more serious problems to post. Alcohol use, no matter to what degree, is serious business.

From my brief exposure to this site, there appears to be many "experienced" people that are more than willing to respond to any post.

Evidently, your 4 - 6 beers a night is beginning to have some sort of adverse effects on your life. You're smart for recognizing that.

I loved my beer: Magic Hat #9, Bells Two-Hearted Ale, Sierra Nevada, Sam Adams, New Castle, Guiness, Stella Artois, Dogfish Head 60 OR 90 Minute IPA, etc. I could go on and on.

Many times I make decisions like Benjamin Franklin used to. Write your question at the top of a page of paper. ie. Should I continue to drink? Divide the paper into two columns and on the left hand side write "PROS" and on the right hand side write "CONS".

Under "PROS", write all the things you like about drinking and under "CONS" write all the things you don't like about drinking.

Examine, evaluate, and weigh your responses. Do the "CONS" overtake the "PROS"?

It does for me every time since I cannot seem to come up with any "PROS" for drinking

[lildawg]

Grim, I was definitely like you in the early stages of my drinking. Of course, we're about the same age, so my drinking teetered into excess on a much faster schedule than yours has.

It's scary when you realize that you don't want to do without your nightly 3-6 beers. Who would? They sort of soften the edges of reality. I used to love the way beer made things look. I could see the beauty in almost anything when I was drinking, probably because I felt unusually good.

If you're getting to the point that the last hour or so before you go to bed is a blur, your definitely reaching a milestone with your drinking. I remember (vaguely) the first few times I couldn't quite remember what had gone on for the last hour or half hour before I went to bed. It scared me, but not enough. I just kept drinking more and more and, finally, the time when the blur started got earlier and earlier.

You could read some books about alcoholism and think about whether the things those books describe are "you." I've read the AA Big Book (which is just titled Alcoholic Anonymous). Many people here on SR recommend Under the Influence. As you read, look for the similarities, not the differences. You'll read about a lot of people who have significantly more advanced alcoholism than what you're probably experiencing.

At the end of it all, only you can determine if you've got a problem. If you can happily cut back to the standard for moderate drinking and, even, skip a few nights a week, you may not even have a problem. If you can't, you might need to do some soul searching. Don't let other people tell you that you are or are not an alcoholic. They mean well, but they don't know you as well as you do.

By the way, your English is great. I wish I knew two languages!

[Toronto68]

Grim, I think what will stand out to a lot of people will be your remark that it's scary to think that you'd find no beer left when you got home. I had some similiarities to you, when it comes to the routines and how alcohol fits in and life seems to be manageable. Four beers total would have been a brief period that I liked the smaller volume though, and 6 to 8 would have been the norm. But it wasn't normal for me to have them every day, because every day was not Friday and every day was not a party or a reason to let loose, as in the past. There was no interest in doing anything that didn't include beer anymore. Every day was just working and drugging myself into a sleep.

It could be that your wife rejected your desire to quit because she doesn't want a problem to exist. And on some level, there isn't, since you are not underperforming in certain ways. You're managing to stay at work and maintain a stable life. That's not all there is though, there's also what's inside you. You could be at a point where you ask yourself what else you should be doing with your life too and that would make the drinking question stand out even more. I ignored the voice and kept drinking. I didn't follow the path of married life, so that was an additional reason to drink and snuff out the questioning of purpose. I thought I had been immersed in, and made it past, what is commonly called "midlife crisis," but it turned out that it wasn't quite gone and that I also wanted to quit drinking. I knew very well what alcohol meant to me and why the drinking continued.

It could be that you are in the process of discovering that you have had a friendship with alcohol all these years and that it should come to an end. That's what it sounds like to me.

[dellsonic]

Just stop drinking for 3 mothns and see how you feel. if you then sense intense cravings, you will know.....

Look inside yourself, be honest. You will have your answer, either way.

Dell

[Grim1]

Thank you guys I appreciate your honest answers and I found something special in each reply. I am going to quit and play it by ear, I am pretty sure after a few months I won't even miss it, so why go back? The cons definitely outway the pros.

Good luck to all of you

Regards
Johan

[Grim1]

PS I haven't had a beer since Wednesday and all is good!

[Dee74]

Welcome to SR Grim1

D

[CarolD]

Yes.....that is really good!
Well done Johan

Thanks for checking back with us......

Don't forget where we are....let us know if you have
concerns or questions ...or continue to share your progress

Blessings to the 3 of you

[dellsonic]

Johan,

I knew I was an alcoholic, foir years and did nothing about it. All sorts of justifications sprung to mind, but i just did nothing.

You may / may not have a problem, however if you give up for a while and listen to your own inner reaction, you will then know if you have a problem.

Douglas Bader the famous English WW2 pilot said "If I cant be happy with without drink, I cannot be happy with it". Check him out on Wikipedia!


Douglas Bader - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Dell

[Grim1]

Hi guys

I believe it is time for an update. It's been more than two months since my first post and I am happy to say that all is well on this side. I completely stopped drinking for more than a month and since then I have been having one or two beers every second weekend in the afternoons after a long run. I no longer obsess about drinking and don't miss it at all. I would rather have an ice cream or choclate while reading a good book or watching a movie. I managed to break the habit and changed the way I look at alcohol. I no longer see alcohol as an escape and don't crave a drink when I had a tough day. I guess I am fortunate in that I can have one beer and stop. I had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol and I am happy to say this has changed.

Thank you for all your support and friendly advice. I would not have been able to identify the problem without your help.

Good luck to each and everyone of you and may you be victorious in your struggles. I will continue to visit this forum to find inspiration.

[Dee74]

I'm glad you found a resolution to your problem Johan - best wishes to you and your family
D