Wife cheated, blamed my drinking.

[InstantN00dles]

First off, I have been here many times. I have been here as InstantNoodles, and SexyCeloryStick. You can view my last post, which was my relapse after being sober three months.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-happened.html (Um, wow what just happened?)

I actually relapsed a month before she cheated, she had no idea. So at this point, I have been clean to her for four months.

Long and short of it was, she meets up with a guy from her childhood on facebook. I go out of my way so they can have time to meet up. I actually- made her breakfast in bed the night after she cheated. Anyways- thats a long story,

I gave it my all. I was sober, took her on dates, dinners, all the places that I thought "She deserved" Of course, she continued contact with the other man, and I simply couldn't take it anymore.

Now, it is over between us. We have been separated for four months, and I have decided I want a divorce for the past three. My reason to her, was I could not handle an affair, after the affair.

She is still talking to me, but she is claiming that the drinking is what hurt the marriage, as well as her infidelity. I want to ask- is that a fair comparison? I didnt know that you could die from cheating withdrawl.

[CarolD]

Welcome back to SR ....

Sorry to know your having such difficlties.
I have no experiences with that situation.

I do know not all loves last forever....
regardless of what causes friction.

I sure hope you can work something out that will
be mutually beneficial....and you can stay sober.....

Please check your PM box ...thanks!

[yeahgr8]

Dunno and i do remember reading your post...

All i know for sure is that before, i was insane, immature, and sick as hell...anyone sharing a bed with me over the past 20 years isn't going to be all there themselves are they?! Like begets like...fact...

Hope to see you posting about your plan for recovery:-)

[Clutch B]

Whenever I start to wonder about how my drinking affected my family -- I read the "Friends and Family" forum. I don't post there, but just read.

"Is cheating a fair comparison to drinking?" After reading so many stories from hurt family members of alcoholics -- yeah it probably is. We put them through absolute hell.

I have caused more harm than I will ever know or completely understand. And I can't "undo" the harm that I have caused.

I also can't control the actions or responses of my family.

But today I can control MY actions and responses. I can focus on doing the right thing, being the person I should have been all along, being the person I want to be.

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by InstantN00dles

First off, I have been here many times. I have been here as InstantNoodles, and SexyCeloryStick. You can view my last post, which was my relapse after being sober three months.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-happened.html (Um, wow what just happened?)

I actually relapsed a month before she cheated, she had no idea. So at this point, I have been clean to her for four months.

Long and short of it was, she meets up with a guy from her childhood on facebook. I go out of my way so they can have time to meet up. I actually- made her breakfast in bed the night after she cheated. Anyways- thats a long story,

I gave it my all. I was sober, took her on dates, dinners, all the places that I thought "She deserved" Of course, she continued contact with the other man, and I simply couldn't take it anymore.

Now, it is over between us. We have been separated for four months, and I have decided I want a divorce for the past three. My reason to her, was I could not handle an affair, after the affair.

She is still talking to me, but she is claiming that the drinking is what hurt the marriage, as well as her infidelity. I want to ask- is that a fair comparison? I didnt know that you could die from cheating withdrawl.

Well, I missed the timeline here, but the important thing, why are you sober? Making your sobriety dependent on the actions of another is a mistake, ime. I did it myself, when my reason for staying sober went away-life works that way-I eventually drank. I'm sure a lot of us don't stop for the right reasons, but hopefully we figure out what's really important. And yeah, most of us would consider infidelity to be a deal breaker, not saying it's fair or unfair, it just is brother. A last thought, don't get caught up in the blame game, as adults we are all responsible for our actions, sober or not. Sorry to hear of your pain.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by InstantN00dles

she is claiming that the drinking is what hurt the marriage, as well as her infidelity. I want to ask- is that a fair comparison?

Sharing from experience, and just my thoughts......yes and no. My ex was having affairs with co-workers, she claimed my drinking pushed her to do it. I do agree that my behavior probably motivated her to look for someone to show her some love since I wasn't capable of loving much beyond alcohol.

But I also believe that having affairs and requiring constant attention from members of the opposite sex can indicate a sexual addiction, and I'm not to blame for that. My choice was to engage in a dysfunctional marriage and I focused on my own substance addictions and codependency.

I begged and pleaded with her to work it out, get marriage counseling, put our life back together. But looking back, I'm so thankful it didn't work out that way. That wasn't the relationship God wanted me to have, it was the one I chose, and now I'm married to a person that I'm "equally yoked" with, we share in recovery together and work on our relationship and values in life. That's the marriage God wants for me. I don't have a place in my life for a partner that doesn't respect and honor commitment in a marriage.

[coming_clean]

personally...

cheating and an addiction are not the same, don´t know what to think about the fairness..
Addiction can have an impact on a relationship, but it depends on how the two persons deal with it. Cheating is a big red cross through the relationship.

But hey that´s me,

I wish you all the best and big up for the recovery thing!

[Ago]

Active alcoholism is a form of not being present in a relationship and is hurtful and abusive

Cheating is a form of not being present in a relationship and is hurtful and abusive

In my experience generally speaking women don't stray from a relationship unless their own needs aren't being met

Two wrongs don't make a right but I suggest if you work the steps honestly you will see how you played a part in her seeking elsewhere what she couldn't get from you (intimacy and validation), what she did wasn't "right" but living with an alcoholic partner that can't stay sober has an adverse impact on people, some deal with it by coming to hate their partner, some by getting controlling and abusive, some deal with it by going outside the relationship to get what they so desperately were trying to get from inside the relationship, alcoholism is called a family disease for a reason, alcoholism impacts everyone around it, none of it in healthy ways.

The fact that she dealt with your mental illness in a hurtful manner isn't surprising, hurt people hurt people, and when I was in your shoes I didn't have a pot to **** in or a window to throw it out of until I stayed sober for a year and worked the steps thoroughly and made amends to those I had harmed.

When my girlfriend started sleeping with another man right about when I got sober, what she did wasn't morally right, but it sure was justified after all the hell I had put her through.

You say you "gave it your all" but the truth is your relationship was based on a lie:

So at this point, I have been clean to her for four months.

so you ask:

she is claiming that the drinking is what hurt the marriage, as well as her infidelity. I want to ask- is that a fair comparison?

Absolutely

In both cases it is a form of betrayal and not being present in a relationship, she stayed longer then it was healthy for her so engaged in unhealthy behavior, she got tired of burning her hand on a hot stove and sought relief from that from another hot stove (people who sleep with other peoples wives aren't generally known for their mental and moral health either) and since you have already answered the question you decided to divorce her, it's time to move on, you engaged in deal breaker behavior, she responded with deal breaker behavior, live and learn, so what are you gonna do now is the question?

Maybe stay sober so it doesn't happen to you again?

[hughs dad]

Hey Instant... There is no way to 100% connect her cheating to your drinking. The motives behind her cheating is 100% on HER. I hope you don't feel that you caused this man, because you can't "make" her do anything. I think it sucks and I feel for you. I don't think you should beat yourself up over it.

As far as what to do, I have no clue. I wish you the best though. I know I have a lot of guilt / shame over the past and if my wife cheated I can certainly see how I might start blaming myself, but I strongly urge you not to do that. There's enough stuff for us to take responsibility for that we really did do while drinking. The last thing we alcoholic's in recovery need is to start accepting blame for something that we did not do.

Best wishes!

[least]

I agree that the only good reason for staying sober is to stay sober for yourself. Staying sober might save a marriage, it might not. But staying sober for someone else doesn't seem to be the best reason, at least, not to me it doesn't.

I am staying sober for myself. If it helps to mend my relationship with me kids that's just icing on the cake and not the primary reason to stay sober. Not all relationships are meant to last. I'd say, learn from it and maybe your next relationship will last and be happier. I wish you all the best.

[hughs dad]

Just read ago's repsonse... I have to take issue with your boozing is "causing" her to cheat. I couldn't dis-agree more. Why is it that we recovering alcoholics have to take complete responsibility for our actions, but we give other's a free pass to not take responsibility for their's. If she can't make you drink, then you can't make her cheat!!!! I find it frustrating that we are taking responsibility for the mess that we caused but others don't have to. It's as if ALL OF THE WORLD'S problem's were caused or aided by us. Not this time. Again, if she can't "cause you to drink, or get mad, or act out", then by defnitition, you can't "make her cheat". If we are going to subscribe the that notion, then in my opinion, we're all screwed...

DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. What if you had cheated??? Could you imagine blaming this on her shopping addiction, or witholding sex, or over eating, etc... Of course not. If you did, the recovering alci's in this forum (including me) would tell you he actions can't "make" you do anything. Well, it has to go both ways. Don't let her put this shiz on you man. We put enough on us as is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really do wish you the best

[hughs dad]

One more thing... If I was married to an alcoholic and I cheated, OF COURSE I WOULD BLAME MY CHEATING ON THEIR ADDICTION. What do you expect her to say, "you know I cheated because I'm selfish and shot-sighted"? It's the path of least resistance. It's arguing 101. Pick on the other's weakness. By admitting we are alcholic's we are admitting to others we have a problem we are working on. Most people aren't as honest as we are.

Let's not act like we are the only one's messed up in this world. We are just being honest because we feel that honestly is the pathway to recovery. People are not better or more "healthy" than we are just because they don't have alcohol problems. Know way is this your fault man...

For some reason this struck a cord in me. I'm not normally this fired up about a topic.... best of luck!

[Astro]

This topic always gets me fired up too. But I have to say that after reading several replies, I was also reminded that my experience was the catalyst for my sobriety, I might still be "out there" if it hadn't happened. And it gave me the awareness too of the part I played in the demise of all my relationships.

[Untoxicated]

She is still talking to me, but she is claiming that the drinking is what hurt the marriage, as well as her infidelity. I want to ask- is that a fair comparison?

I think it's fair to say your drinking certainly didn't help the marriage but for her to say your drinking caused her to cheat isn't fair from my POV. She made a choice, regardless of her motives, to cheat.

That said, I don't think she literally means what you typed, I interpret it as her meaning you drank and "cheated" with the bottle (IMO cheating is choosing someone or something over someone or something else - not honoring the sacrament of marriage) so she went to "greener" pastures because you did too.

I also feel there is some truth to what hughs dad said, you can be a recovered alcoholic/addict but we're still human - it's as if there is some high standard to be superhuman once the spiritual awakening occurs, and if you are angry about the behavior of another individual then you need to revisit the steps or keep your side of the street clean. If that's the case, then normies could benefit from the step-work too and we'd all be living in a Utopian society.

Keep posting and I hope everything works out for you in the end.

[Ago]

Originally Posted by hughs dad

Just read ago's repsonse... I have to take issue with your boozing is "causing" her to cheat. I couldn't dis-agree more. Why is it that we recovering alcoholics have to take complete responsibility for our actions, but we give other's a free pass to not take responsibility for their's. If she can't make you drink, then you can't make her cheat!!!! I find it frustrating that we are taking responsibility for the mess that we caused but others don't have to. It's as if ALL OF THE WORLD'S problem's were caused or aided by us. Not this time. Again, if she can't "cause you to drink, or get mad, or act out", then by defnitition, you can't "make her cheat". If we are going to subscribe the that notion, then in my opinion, we're all screwed...

DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. What if you had cheated??? Could you imagine blaming this on her shopping addiction, or witholding sex, or over eating, etc... Of course not. If you did, the recovering alci's in this forum (including me) would tell you he actions can't "make" you do anything. Well, it has to go both ways. Don't let her put this shiz on you man. We put enough on us as is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really do wish you the best

First:

One has to actually be a recovered alcoholic to be a recovered alcoholic, as in had worked the steps, particularly 4-9 where we see how our actions impact others

What I said was she responded in an unhealthy way to an unhealthy situation, his drinking didn't "cause" her to cheat but how can it not be a contributing factor?

and "we" "recovering alcoholics" although after we work the steps are "recovered alcoholics", have to take responsibility for our own actions but not others because that's what emotionally mature adults do. That's what True Sobriety is, finally taking responsibility for our own actions and the impact on those around us. that's what "recovery" is, not just not drinking for 2 weeks.

Our problem isn't drinking, here is a description of "our problem" before we work the steps:

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

Dealing with those issues is "recovery" not just putting the plug in the jug for a week or a month, don't confuse not drinking with sobriety, they aren't the same thing.

When we take a personal inventory we take our own, not the other persons:

Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was Step Four. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the trut h about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.

We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principle with who we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self- esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up." On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambi tions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with? We were usually as definite as this example:

I'm resentful at: The Cause Affects my:
Mr. Brown His attention to my wife.

Told my wife of my mistress.

Brown may get my job at the office.
Sex relations
Self-esteem (fear)
Sex-relations
Self-esteem (fear)
Security
Self-Esteem (fear)
Mrs Jones She's a nut - she snubbed me.
She committed her husband for drinking.
He's my friend.
She's a gossip. Personal relationship.
Self-esteem (fear)
My employer Unreasonable - Unjust - Overbearing -
Threatens to fire me for drinking and padding my expense account. Self-esteem (fear)
Security.
My wife Misunderstands and nags.
Likes Brown.
Wants house put in her name. Pride - personal sex relations - Security (fear)

We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong w as as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As i n war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If you analyze Bill's fourth step, you will find in every instance his actions caused every one of his resentments, if he hadn't been cheating on his wife and stealing from his job, Mr Brown wouldn't get his job and his wife.

Until this following passage becomes indelibly burned into our consciousness and make up, we don't have even a nodding acquaintance with "recovery"

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

"Recovery" is about learning how to do that, and not be so selfish, self centered and ego-centric any more, not drinking is a necessary component of that, like breathing is to painting the Mona Lisa, a necessary component, but just because you can breathe doesn't make one Leonardo Da Vinci, just because you one hasn't taken a drink for a few weeks doesn't make one "recovered".

The process of sobriety consists of swallowing some pretty bitter pills about oneself and one's actions, and learning to take responsibility for our actions.

Like in one story it says "I used to judge myself by my intentions while everyone else judged me by my actions"

Well every single "recovered" alcoholic looks at themselves and their actions in a diametrically new way after working the steps, it's part of the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism that comes as a result of working the 12 steps.

So it's not about him "causing" his wife to cheat, or him "blaming" himself, it's about him taking responsibility for his own actions, removing the parts of his make up that caused him to "fail" and moving forward.

BB 1st ed

[intention]

Hi Instant,

Originally Posted by InstantN00dles

I have decided I want a divorce for the past three. My reason to her, was I could not handle an affair, after the affair.

This is tough. I know what the pain feels like when your partner cheats on you. And if that is not bad enough I know the unbearable agony of finding out that the affair is going on after the affair. I know what it is like to find out you have taken them breakfast in bed after they have been out ******* someone else the night before. It's the stuff of nightmares. I couldn't even put into words how much pain I felt when this happened to me..........

And I didn't just take him breakfast in bed, I did so many other things for him when he was going behind my back and betraying me. I did things for him that most people thought was beyond generosity and compassion while he was (mentally ill and abusive to me) and cheating. And then it happened again. An affair, after an affair, after an affair.

I could go on and on about this so much that my post would be so long I would probably crash the whole website. If you got to read it you might feel better because you know you had been wronged and betrayed in a way I had and that I felt the pain you were going through.

But you would only feel better for a very short time. The relief from your pain would only be short lived ......just like when you drink alcohol. I'm not going to post the story because I am done with the pity party on this. It solves nothing.

In your marriage you have done some wrongs and your wife has wronged you. Spending your time trying to size them up and decide who did the bigger wrong will turn the end of your marriage into the beginning of a war.

It's a war that will only cause you pain; that is a guarantee. It will also end up making some lawyer a lot richer.

Fact - you are an alcoholic.

Fact - you have resentment towards your wife (she wronged you) and you have caused her harm (you wronged her). Rather than competing one against the other in an unwinnable contest, you can deal with both issues in exactly the same way. The solution is the 12 steps of AA. The winner will be you and your happiness, serenity and peace of mind.

Ask yourself the question - is this not what you want ultimately? Of course it is. If you are not working the steps or in AA......then I really would advise you do so. This is a huge resentment with much pain attached to it and if you leave it, it will just lead you back to alcohol and the inevitable hell that you know will result.

By working the 12 steps your life will change for the better in a way you cannot begin to imagine for yourself. You will be free to start a new, healthy, loving, committed relationship when the time is right.

As to your wife. Well this is a woman who has been frustrated at her marriage because it has not worked out how she wanted and in turn she has comforted herself by getting into bed with another man. So she too has resentments and has caused harm to others. Now it is up to her what she does about that. It's her business how she does her inventory on this. This is not for you to concern yourself about.

If she doesn't deal with this, then the chances are when her next relationship does not live up to what she wants it to be, she will jump into bed with someone else. As I said, this is not for you to concern yourself about. Hopefully by then you will be working the 12 steps, thoroughly enjoying a sober life and thanking God that you no longer have to be involved in such an unhappy and unhealthy relationship.

Take care.

[intention]

Originally Posted by hughs dad

For some reason this struck a cord in me. I'm not normally this fired up about a topic.... best of luck!

Hi Hughs dad,

At this early stage of your sobriety, it is understandable that you feel like this.

There are many who come in AA who have had some really terrible things done to them and I am not just taking about partners cheating........I am sure you can imagine the abuses/harms I am talking about.

I don't think anyone at the start of the steps understands the logic of how we deal with these justifiable resentments. It was only when I worked the steps that I was able to say that 'I got it'.

Rather than try to work out the logic of what we are doing, my advice to you right now, for your sobriety, is just to keep in your mind that all we want to do is stop the alcoholic from suffering. No-one in AA wants to see any alcoholic suffer any more pain.

[Slag]

No matter what keep your head into the game. Who knows why people do what they do. What I do know is thios is I lose sight of the reason I got sober then all is lost.

Good luck

[flutter]

Just wanted to say welcome back, I hope you stick around !