Slipped

[Weeza]

Hi, I'm new here and haven't read through the other posts yet, so I
apologize if my post here is too long or does not share in a general
way... After having 18 years in AA, I had a talk with my sponsor today
about what the last three years for me have really been like...

I have a few chronic pain conditions: Fibromyalgia, Trigeminal
Neuralgia, Migraines, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and symptoms of
Pancreatitis for which my general physician has had me go back and
forth between doctors to do endoscopy, MRIs, CT Scans and whatever
there is to look into my body to see what's going wrong with it today.

Over the passed few years, I've had five major surgeries and a dozen
minor oral surgeries, all to which I've been prescribed various pain
medications. The worst of all was Methadone, which was a last resort
because I can't take NSAIDS or tylenol anymore since my kidneys and
liver may be damaged by three years worth of codeine with tylenol...
it's the tylenol that's injured my organs...

It's been a humbling experience to have chronic pain in my life while
maintaining my home and being a dedicated mother, and because I live
for my son's happiness, I can honestly swear that I've been mindful
about not abusing prescription drugs, that I followed doctor's orders
to the letter, even writing down time when a pill was taken, keeping
that sheet by a clock so that the next dose would be taken as
prescribed when the four hours were up.

My 6 year old son accompanied me to these doctor appointments
because it's difficult to get childcare during the middle of the day.
But we had a shocking experience when the pain management doctor
told me (with my son in the room and not seeming to be sympathetic
about his feelings), "you have two months to live, and if you want to
make it through to stay here for your little boy, you need to take this
medicine as I prescribe so your body will heal. You want to stick
around for him, don't you?" It was heartbreaking.

I could see there was a risk for slipping away from my conscious contact
with God, so begged my pain management doctor to please not prescribe
Methadone but offer a less invasive medication. The doctor said for me
to not worry because he was on my side and would not prescribe medicine
that would be harmful, that I'd be tapered, that he would monitor me closely...

The Methadone was tapered up to the max, and my pain mgmt doctor
told me that I would be safe because once a cure or treatment could be
found, he'd taper me down, and then I'd be free. Yet, he said that I
HAD to take that medication because in his opinion, I was dying and
that's why my body has pain. However, the Methadone was having bad
side effects. I not only gained weight, but my body swelled from Edema,
I was experiencing headshocks, and the Trigeminal Neuralgia worsened.

My son's father, 23 years sober in the program, remains a close friend
and I have been truthful with him about my health and what medications
were being prescribed (including the MMJ down the road), and he has
supported me through this ordeal. I respect his views because his life
has been a great achievement thanks to this program, plus we have
a lot of history together, yet as we co-raise our son equally together,
I felt he should know how bad off I was because of the Methadone
turning me into a zombie. He said he agreed and felt it was unethical
of the pain management doctor to not be monitoring me as promised.

I called my pain management doctor daily for an appointment but he
wouldn't return my calls, so I paid an unscheduled visit and was sent
back to my general physician. The pain doc said it wasn't the
Methadone but that I was dying from destroyed liver and kidneys. Yet
as he was not good with allowing me to see him for evaluation but
would keep me waiting for hours while he entertained drug reps in his
office, when he finally saw me, quite late, I told him, "I'm concerned
about your ethics. I'm trying to stay sober and am afraid of being on
Methadone. It's messing with my life." At that point, he said, "we're
done here" and then he would not refill my script.

Next thing I knew, I was having to call my general doctor but even he
wouldn't see me. He said his nurses tried to find me a new pain
management clinic but every pain doctor in the area said they would
not see me. It suspected that I was blacklisted, yet one pain
mgmt doctor out of the area would see me, and I explained to him
my story, how no local pain doc would see me, even telling him about
how my body was physically damaged from narcotics and that I didn't
want another narcotic, that Lyrica and Impramine made me loopy, so no
anti-convulsants nor anti-depressants either... That gave him little
to work with, I suppose...

Some years ago I had been beaten up pretty badly when a sociopath
abducted and tortured me. That man was eventually found guilty and
given a Life sentence in prison. Upon hearing this, the new pain
management doctor felt I needed to have a psych evaluation, but I told
him how I already had 5 years of psychotherapy for PTSD which included
EMDR, but at no time would I take any anti-depressants because I
wished to stay sober. So he said the only other option then was to
surgically install a permanent pain pump with morphine drip, and that
I would need to come into his office once a week for refill plus
injections into my spine. When hearing THAT, it was red flags for
me.... I HAD to get out of that mess-- I would rather live with pain
and remain sober in the head than go down that road, so I never went
back.

I did though return to my general doctor to tell him about my
experience at this new pain doctor's office and how I found medical
reports about therapeutic benefits of medical marijuana for
Fibromyalgia and IBS. He said he could not prescribe so referred me to
consult with an M.D. that had a license to prescribe medical cannabis.
I waited through a few months before taking that step, first trying
acupuncture, Reiki, and Chinese herbal medicines, but no relief from
pain came, and I was increasingly becoming depressed, developing
insomnia because when there's chronic pain, it's difficult to get
comfortable enough to fall asleep.

Desperate for relief from pain, I surrendered to making a consult with
an OB-GYN with license to prescribe medical marijuana. He went through
all my medical reports, reviewed my medication history, then told me,
"there is a safe and effective way to take medical cannabis but only
if you follow instructions, otherwise you could risk getting stoned."
So he instructed me on how to take two puffs of MMJ on an as needed
basis.

To be truthful, I followed those instructions but there were times
when my pain was so great that I could not get out of bed and when a
friend offered five Vicodins, I accepted them and took them over a
week long period. I figured that since this was medication that was
recently prescribed but went cold turkey because doctors gave me the
run around and failed to do their part to be accountable for my relief
due to insurance issues or government drug schedule policy (there's a
limit as to how long a doctor may prescribe codeine medication), since
I couldn't find an AA friendly pain management doctor, screw it
because I'm in pain, serious pain.

I did not cause my body to fall into this painful mess, nor could I
help what happened to myself when some crazy man tortured me years
ago, nor could I help the five subsequent major surgeries from
happening, but I swear that through my years of recovery I prayerfully
asked God if I was being truthful with my sobriety.

Humiliated and having a good idea that my sponsor would not support me
in my use of prescribed medication for pain relief (we belong to a
group that is anti-medication, especially MMJ since it's regarded as a
"luxury for normies and stoners"), I could not admit to her how my
pain tolerance diminished and that I was using medication for relief.
I didn't want to disappoint her or feel rejection, plus, I needed
those meds to feel half human. There was also one more incident when a
non-prescribed drug was passed my way when a friend saw how badly in
pain I was after a 12 hour flight threw my back out. As I was in pain
and wanted the pain to stop, I surrendered to the offer, not caring
whether it was a slip or not-- I just wanted to stop suffering, not to
get high. And, it helped, but I felt guilty afterwards because a
doctor didn't prescribe that time either.

Believe me, I would not take medication or a drug to get loaded.... I
had the chance last month to drink in a famous bar but was apparently
so troubled-looking that a stranger sat next to me to ask how I was
doing, to which I said "not good. I'm thinking about ordering a drink
but I don't know what to drink since I've not had alcohol in eighteen
years." The fellow said, "don't do it" then identified himself as a
sober member in the program and stayed with me until my concert was
over (I'm a lead singer in a band)... To me, that was a Godshot and a
wake up call to get truthful about my dependency on meds... I wanted
my miracles to return. You know, the Promises are REAL but it feels
like they've stopped coming my way ever since meds came my life.

Desperate to get back to a place where there's a chance for these
awesome Promises to return, I started going to NA meetings and
identifying myself as a newcommer. After a week of this and talking
with a friend who slipped on pain meds, I got the courage to fess up
with my sponsor and her opinion is that I 'went out and need to start
over again with a new sobriety date'.

I've not taken any pain pills in a month and the last two hits of MMJ
was four days ago after a bad Friday evening when my IBS was causing
me to vomit non-stop. At that point, I still did not phone my sponsor
but phoned an NA office to speak with an old timer and was told that
so long as it's medication prescribed, there's no slip, so I tearfully
hung up the phone and took those two hits, and I must say that my
stomach calmed down and I was able to stop vomiting, get some needed
sleep.

Earlier this evening I logged onto the chat room and shared my story.
Nearly everyone's told me that I've not slipped, to get a new sponsor,
keep my time, but I must admit to feeling confused, especially after
returning from an NA meeting and sharing about what's going on. It's
rough to be in this position. I want to hold on to my 18 years of sobriety
/ clean time, but I'm not one hundred per cent sure if somehow my
disease of addiction could be throwing me into denial somehow.

My sponsor says I must turn my pain over to God because the disease
of alcoholism and addiction is so cunning, baffling and powerful that
it can manufacture pain to justify the use of prescription medications
and throw us into half-measures until we slip away and die from going
out... I also need to say here that I look up to my sponsor and am awed
by all that she's done in her life and for the lives of others, but I sometimes
feel judged by members in the group we belong to, like they're being
a bit pink-cloudish about how God can remove a 'defect of character
like pain'. I've been told to get out of my 'victim mode'... Even my sponsor's
grandsponsor ordered me to quit psychotherapy because it was 'keeping
me in a state of being a victim while putting my program second.'

So I complied, quit therapy, haven't been talking to any therapist even
though I've been forced to re-enter a second trial for the violent assault
I suffered years ago, and I have felt so lost on my own with having to
depose and re-do the whole emotional trauma all over again. It's harder
the second time around because my body's fallen apart and I'm in pain.
I'm not the same newcommer as I was when 26 and first entered the
program, and I feel emotionally down about losing respect from my old
timer friends but at the same time, I don't want to be a brat in denial.

Thanks for listening.

[zoomer]

I say get another sponcer and get back to your therapist. I think smoking a little pot for pain is much better than all the other stuff you have been doing. I'm so sorry your health is bad and that your doctor had to say that in front of your little boy. If I was in pain and was told I was dying I'd be puffing away too as prescribed by the doctors of course.

[endzoner]

Hey Weeza , Im glad you decited to post your story here and get some feed back from this great place I call family . You are far from being a Brat .. your a stong smart woman . and you know knowin your heart what is right ! dont let anyone try and convince you other wise . Now Im all for AA and all the other programs but JMO it seems this one youve been a member of seems more like a Cult then a AA program . Suggestions .. no one has the right to tell you what or what not to do when it come to your own health and well being . 18 yrs of recovey thats amazing !!
You said that they beleive your coving up etc one thing for the other not faceing things ( has to learn to paste quotes ) I could agree with that if you had only been in recovery for a yr or so .. but 18 yrs I think you know what it takes .. I say Keep your 18 yrs and find your self a new sponcer and new meeting .. just my two cents
huggles Endzy

[sunrise1]

I would find another sponsor... personally, if I was in your position and my sponsor told me in any fashion to get over my pain without experiencing it herself, I would feel that she crossed the boundaries of what a sponsor is/is not supposed to do.

You have so clearly tried to manage your pain withOUT the drugs we addictive types tend to "like"... You are one tough cookie in my book.

[Mark75]

Originally Posted by Weeza

My sponsor says I must turn my pain over to God because the disease
of alcoholism and addiction is so cunning, baffling and powerful that
it can manufacture pain to justify the use of prescription medications
and throw us into half-measures until we slip away and die from going
out...

Or, maybe, you have pain, it is not "manufactured" and that God sends you powerful medications to ease your pain.

So yes, turn your pain over to God. That doesn't mean that you quit seeing doctors or that you stop taking medication. Only you and God know the pain you feel, no one else does. Only you and God can be the judge. Your doctor and your sponsor can help, but in the end.... it is you and God. Listen carefully to what He says.

Welcome to SR

Mark

[CarolD]

I too have several chronic physical issues.
Character defects? Absolutely not.

I have not worked with a sponsor since I finished
my formal Steps....about 18 years ago.

I don't feel the necessity to discuss AA with my medical doctors
I don't see the purpose of discussing my med's or treatment plan
with my AA group.

Sorry to know of your situation
Prayers for peace and clarity.

Welcome to SR.....
Blessings to you and your son

[Weeza]

Hi Carol, Mark, Sunrise, Endzy, and Zoomer,
Thank you all for writing in as it's helpful in giving
me the sense of acceptance with the fellowship
within the fellowship.

Right now I have a migraine and must mother my
7 year old after school after he's had a bad day from
being bullied to the point he did a dumb thing like
took a dare from some other kids which got him called
into the Principal's office. So there is a weird parallel
going on in my life personally and noticing how I've got
to step up to the plate to keep my own kid in check
as he went and did something against school rules
because he wanted to feel accepted by the friends he
so respects. And upon reflecting his incident, which was
a 'slip' of personal judgment (doing something foolish
for the sake of pleasing friends), I'm at a moment now
with wondering whether I'm doing the same here,
sacrificing my health and well being so that I may feel
accepted by my sponsor and original home group.

I have a lot of solid history with this first home group,
but must admit it's pretty hard core, and yes, I've been
told before it's an AA Nazi cult, which was hard to take
in the beginning, but it was what I needed at the time,
and it was good for me to keep active, really study the
Big Book, do all the Steps thoroughly and keep me motivated
with making amends. And because I was lock solid true to
working the Steps, I've enjoyed many miracles in life
because AA helped create a bridge back to life for me...
Got to college, complete my education, find a good career,
work abroad in Europe for four years, travel all over the world,
develop deep friendships, start up a family, speak at meetings
in a dozen states and four other countries, and witness my
hand in helping other recovering members get their lives
back... So I know the Program works and Miracles happen
once the watershed of Amends is opened....

But like Carol, after I did my first round of Steps in my
first and second years, it was enough for me personally
to keep moving forward in life. Yet I remained close to
the Program by attending meetings and taking commitments,
doing service, including GSR and establishing the first
Switzerland AA recovery web site that's now part of the
International AA listing, so I personally know that I made
a difference and gave back to the Program. But my esteem
has tanked about what kind of recovery I have when my
sponsors from my home group have told me I wasn't doing
my part after I became a mother since the new job of being
a stay home mother consumed all my energy and time.
I'm told that AA is to come first before family, but for me,
the well being of my family is my priority and it serves
as a Higher Power that keeps me in check with staying
clean and sober as I also know what it's like to grow up
on the hard knocks of life, going through foster care when
my parents abandoned me and my siblings for alcoholic
behavior that sent my mother to prison. So for me,
my family is my priority and AA is an extended family.

I trust my sponsor and know she means well, as well
as my former two interim sponsors, but none of them
ever were mothers and they've not experienced the
physical trauma of a violent assault that caused physical
disability to the point of creating permanent pain.

I'm doing my best to keep functional but it's hard without
medication and I can truly say I'm not living an optimum
life while feeling pain-- hard to sit, hard to stand up or
walk around. At best all I can do is lay on the bed or
sofa by my son while talking to him and doing homework.

My sponsor's asked me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days,
take newcommer chips and introduce myself as having
five days sobriety, which I feel in a way is taking away
from me all that I've gained from this amazing experience
of working the Steps and supporting the Traditions, and
when I go to these NA meetings of late and am surrounded
by many newcommers who are needing direction from
an old timer, at best all I can be for them is a friend.

I'm troubled by the idea of breaking away from my relationship
with my sponsor because she's been a friend to me since my
first AA meeting in 1991. She asked me today why I'm not
going to AA meetings but these NA ones and I told her that
since I slipped on medication and we're not to talk about
prescription drugs in the AA rooms, NA is the only place where
I can talk about problems other than alcohol.

I gotta say something weird is happening with my body in
that I feel a bit loaded right now from adrenaline stress
and my pain threshold collapsing, so all I can do is stay
flat on my back...... what kind of life is that?

If God is giving me pain so I may experience humility and
surrender to the program in this way, I feel it's not the
Higher Power I came to know and love when physically
healthier..... I'm in pain and this pain is doing my head in
and causing me to wish God to take me from this Earth,
which also makes me feel like a bad mother because
internally then I'm giving up on being here for my son.

I also have issues with how it's perfectly fine for the founding
member, Bill Wilson, to write in books about how LSD, cannabis,
cocaine and such ("Pass It On") is therapeutic for the recovering
alcoholic..... He got to use all those non-prescribed drugs and
keep his full sobriety time. But did he do so to stop feeling pain
or get out of a depression? If it was a depression, was depression
caused by not keeping in with the Steps and Traditions, or was
it because of something organic within his brain chemistry?
Either way, I don't judge him for what he did, but I do have
issues about the validity of my sober time remaining unblemished
because I 'picked up' prescription medications that were distributed
to me and also participated in 5 years psychotherapy for Post
Traumatic Stress after a violent crime. But the same group
cast judgment on me for seeing a therapist, told me I was letting
a person lead my life to restoring me to sanity so was not abiding
by the Second Step (no human power can restore us to sanity)...
Yet, isn't it a risk when giving my well being over to another
drunk (albeit sober drunk I respect)? It's a mind bender.

I also have issues with how my home group will allow for
celebrities to take as many medications their doctors order
but in the same breath tell me I'm not to nor see a therapist,
then not give me the time of day to hear me talk about pain
or what it's like to survive a violent crime or go through many
scary surgeries.

I wish my dad were still alive to tell me what to do... He and I
were eventually reunited late in life through AA. As it so happened,
he too became sober, had four years more than me. And he was
most helpful in getting out of my home group because he said
it was behaving too dictatorially when an interim sponsor told
my story to her sponsor and he said to get me out of therapy
and double up on meetings because psychotherapy was baloney.

We are not doctors.

There's even a pamphlet in AA about medications and other problems.
I feel I've been in compliance with what's in the Big Book and what
I've read about Problems Other Than Alcohol.

Must stop typing and lay down as a fever's been worked up.

Back in later, xx

[endzoner]

im speechless..... huggles Endzy

[Weeza]

Just wanted to check in and say I'm feeling better
after going to a meeting. All day I've been building
up resentment about losing my 18 years, but after
some long talks with other sober people, it's feeling
like maybe this is where I'm supposed to be to get
back with the program from the ground up...

I hope I've not scared anyone with my story, but if
it's any comfort, I'm at a place this moment where
surrender doesn't seem so futile... Why? Because I
got to share tonight for the first time in a year, and
having taken a newcommer chip tonight then tell my
story, it made an impact on some folks who've got
time but are also going through medical issues and
were questioning their own sobriety.

Courage is coming my way. Now if I can get my
body to be nice to me, that'll be a nice blessing.

Take care. xx

[least]

It upsets me that some AA members have told you to blow off therapy and such. THerapy is NOT horseshit, nor is it psychobabble. THose AA members are way out of line to tell you that stuff. Your medical history should be between you and your doctor(s) and no one else. Especially not holier-than-thou AA members who do not understand your chronic pain.

I say keep your 18 yrs sober time. I do'nt see where you've "gone back out" and have to start all over with day one. Your homegroup seems to be a bit rigid in their beliefs, not to mention they're minding your business by telling you things like 'therapy is no good' and 'pain is your addiction trying to get you to drink/drug'. Listen to your doctor and not the members, also your sponsor doesn't seem too helpful to me in 'taking your inventory'.

I wish you relief from your pain, however you can find it. (((hugs)))

[laurie6781]

I have been sober and clean for over 28 1/2 years now. I have lived with 'chronic pain' for over 10 years.

What medications I take are between me and my Doctors. All my doctors know what each have prescribed and why. I do keep a log and take my medications as prescribed. My sober and clean friends are not doctors, I do not discuss my medical problems with them. I have followed Drs order to a T and I will continue to do so, just to get enough of a blanket on the pain so that I can continue to function.

I don't believe you have 'slipped' at all. I do believe you need a different sponsor that does not think she is a Dr or 'knows what is best for you.'

Weeza, keep posting please, we do care so very much and want to be here for you. Please also know that we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

[Weeza]

Hi Laurie and Least,
Just wanted to come in and thank you for your replies.
In my heart I don't feel that I've slipped either but if
changing my sobriety date is some kind of trade off
to hold on to the miracle of recovery, what's time, really?
I will say though that the kind of time I'm having now without
pain relief is greatly diminishing the quality of my life...
I'm doing less as a mother by staying in bed and balling up
from the pain. I can't see how this pain would be a gift from
my higher power. The whole idea about recovery is to not drink
or use so one's head doesn't become cut off from conscious contact
with higher power, only, I can't function to get there so long as
pain's in the way.

I'm in a battle and it hurts to type. Just want to thank you for caring.
xxW

[Missybuns]

HI Weeza,

I saw you reply in another forum in a different thread...so I came back to find your first posts and get to know you a bit.

Welcome to SR! Something that stood out to me in one of your entries above

I'm told that AA is to come first before family,

hmmm...I always thought it was recovery must come first....not "AA (or NA) must come first."

I have found recovery to be a new way to live. I have found recovery has offered me a solution to the former unmanagibilty of my acitve addiciton days.

It's your decision about yourself! Only you are responsible for your recovery. Not AA not, not your sponsor, not your doctor. Since you seem fully aware of this why let them decide for you?

If you want support for what ever you decide for yourself then you have found a good place for that in SR. It's people like you who help me to become a better person. Thank you.

Please keep in touch.

Blessings and prayers,
Missy

[Found]

That 'home group' is simply not AA, Intergroup ought to disaffiliate it as it is affecting the reputation of other groups and members, not to say spreading completely wrong ideas and claiming they are AA. Its members as described were not acting as AA members.

I hope you have got a real one within reach ... When I had to go to NA as I couldn't make AA I found them welcoming.