Challenging the Alcoholic Voice

[LBW]

It's been almost a month since I came to this site and decided that I would quit drinking once and for all. I have learned so much about this disease and myself. It feels like curtains moved and the wizard was exposed.

One thing I realized is that this alcoholic voice is not me, it's a different entity, it's the disease talking. I let that voice talk to me for years and years brainwashing me into believing my life and all these various activities would not be fun without alcohol. Realizing all this about the voice is not exactly the same thing as defeating it... but it's a start.

I look at people drinking beer and the very first thought I have is how great that would be. I feel the compulsion inside me to want to do it too. It's that alcoholic voice talking. Thing is I believe it when the voice talks about drinking being fun. I also believe it when it tells me I am not that bad of an alcoholic. I mean I KNOW intellectually that neither of those things is true, but deep down inside I think I BELIEVE the opposite.

So how do I change that? How do I undo years of brainwashing?

Here's what I've come up with so far:

First, I've been working on feeling grateful for not drinking. Every single time I think about drinking, whether it be just more contemplation or if I see someone drinking at a restaurant, I think to myself, "Thank GOD I don't do that anymore." Then I force myself to remember the misery, guilt, shame and helplessness I felt during my most intense drinking years. I force myself to remember something horrible I did while drinking. Reading posts on this site about other people's struggles really helps me remember. I've been thinking about getting a small notebook and writing all the shameful things I've done while drinking down (but I'd have to write it in code since there's alot of things in there I wouldn't want anyone to ever see).

Second, I've been coming up with things I can do now that I no longer drink, now that I am free. There are so many things I've wanted to do but I didn't have the time. Drinking is time consuming. Hang overs are time consuming. Now that I'm no longer drinking, I will have time to read books. I will have time to finally work on my son's scrapebook. I will have time to draw - I used to be a really good artist but I haven't done anything creative in years. I will have time to work on improving myself in other respects too like my diet, my appearance and my relationships. Even going to the movies seems like something new I can do... For years I haven't gone to a movie unless it was at a movie tavern... which usually meant I got so bombed I barely understood what was going on.

Third, I've started challenging the voice about what I think is only fun with beer. When I first told myself I'd never drink again, there was a big feeling of panic that bubbled to the surface. I remember thinking, "I'll never have another fun vacation, watch a fun football game, have fun at a wedding, or even just really relax and enjoy myself." What I've been trying to do is visualize myself having fun or relaxing doing those things without drinking. At first, all I could do was visualize myself NOT having fun while doing those things... but now I'm starting to make progress in the positive direction.

Vacations, for instance. In the past, the main activity on my vacations was drinking... Las Vegas, New Orleans, cruises, beaches whereby I would sit by the ocean and get bombed. That was my definition of vacation for so many years... another product of the brainwashing.

Now, I've come up with ideas for vacations that center around an athletic activity or some other activity. Hiking the Grand Canyon. Snowskiing. Horsback riding. Camping. Exploring the ruins in places like Rome or Greece or even Egypt. (hey, I can dream, right?) What about this: Planning to run a marathon in a neat city I want to see. I've run a couple of half-marathons but never a marathon. Everyone says it's a spiritual experience to complete one... the level of committment and determination you have to pull from within yourself just to train for one... when you finally run it, you feel this sense of accomplishment like you can do anything. Why not plan a vacation around THAT??

As far as relaxing on a vacation, why not do a spa day?? What could be more relaxing than that?! Couldn't be anymore expensive than the cost of all that drinking I was doing! Beers on vacation are not cheap, ya know. I'd drink $100 a day worth easily.

Epiphany: As far as vacations are concerned, I'm not limited now... I was limited then. Spending 50% of my vacation drinking and 50% nursing hang overs was extremely limiting!

I still have alot of work to do before I really change my deep down beliefs about alcohol. I spent alot of years brainwashing myself... It's going to take some time to undo all that damage. I am optimistic that one day not drinking will be second nature to me... that one day the thought of drinking will be what seems unnatural.

[mmeat]

Thanks so much LBW! What a great post! I really need to stop drinking and so far the hardest part is that damn alcoholic voice that keeps sending me to the liquor store.....even when I try not to.
I'm a big believer that the mind is a powerful thing. I just need to rewire it a bit ,lol.

[Pboy]

Great post!

[OzSandy]

Yes it is a bit of reprogramming. And replanning around the things we used to do that we associate with alcohol. The impulsivity becomes less of a problem over time, you can forward think a bit more, consider other options. Over the long term, it really requires total abstinence - no messing around - and some meaningful form of recovery, in order to move forward. It is a battle in the beginning and can be tiring on your own resources, so you also have to be sure to look after yourself, get all the support you need. You sound like you're doing well, keep up the good work.

[WakeUp]

Great essay LBW!
My alcoholic voice was talking to me in the store yesterday. Ohhh, another winter ale, brewed with spruce tips. Mmmmmm.
So, I walked up to the beer and flipped it off!

[Nevertheless]

Hello LBW
I've been thinking about getting a small notebook and writing all the shameful things I've done while drinking down (but I'd have to write it in code since there's alot of things in there I wouldn't want anyone to ever see).

What you are thinking about doing here is something like the AA 4th step.
From what I have seen you have ducked the suggestions for AA. Thats your choice. If you can do this without, more power to you.
AA's 12 Steps
But I urge you to go to the above adress, and give it a read. I think this is where a lot of what helps me is.(or the reason I drink is). I could spend the rest of my life on the 4th step, There is a lot to do there if you really read it.
Fred

[coffeenut]

Excellent post, LBW. Congrats on your first month of sobriety, as well!

[smacked]

whatever works!

[mirage]

This was great to read today..thanks for posting it! The brainwashing is really tough to handle. So true about the vacations! Glad you're doing so well!

[Ago]

For me, and this is just for me, but "that voice" is patient and relentless and changes it's "message" to fit the situation until I "changed" myself, it's like a drip of water dropping on a rock, unless addressed my experience is it will always win eventually.

Good luck with changing yours, it takes work

[Pboy]

Originally Posted by Nevertheless

Hello LBW
I've been thinking about getting a small notebook and writing all the shameful things I've done while drinking

Thankfully, for the most part, the most shameful things I've done in public was while accompanied by other inebriated knuckleheads that didn't have much room to cast stones.

My most shameful thing to deal with is my recent trend of absenteeism at work after years of building a reputation of being reliable and dependable.

[Lindsay]

Thank you for that, LBW. Great post.

After a particularly difficult night last night, I really needed to read that. After a little over 5 months the voice still comes back to haunt me from time to time. It was trying to convince me last night that getting intoxicated would be the solution to all my problems. HA, yeah, right.

Like you said, I reminded myself what my drinking has done in the past...and the reality of the situation was that my current struggles were a result of a drinking episode that occurred MONTHS ago. Now... what would drinking help solve there? If anything it would have worsened my situation further.

It's so odd for me to actually be dealing with emotions...I haven't for so long. Where I used to drown them with alcohol...I'm living through them, dealing with them, learning from them...

It's not always fun but it's a million times better than the alternative.

Thanks again and congrats on your sobriety.

[LBW]

Nevertheless,

I haven't ruled out AA. I might still go one of these days. This website is just so convenient to me right now. I have a 2 year old so everything I want to do by myself requires asking someone to babysit.

Honestly, it's really not a struggle to not drink right now. I went from July 4th to October 10th without a drink. Then I messed up on October 10th. And I haven't drank since. I'm pregnant so it just isn't an option to drink, period. I've still got 4-5 more months of pregnancy. The biggest thing I'm battling right now with this alcoholic voice is whether I should or shouldn't drink after I am no longer pregnant.

That's why I'm trying to do all this work now and really drive it into my head that I will never drink again NO MATTER WHAT. I'm thinking going to AA might be a great thing to incorporate in my life going forward after pregnancy especially. Does everyone work the steps in AA? Do you have to do the steps in order? Or can you do 1 then 4 and come back to 2 and 3 later?

I'll start looking at the steps a little more in depth.

[LBW]

It's funny... I was just thinking about this... I went through that first half of my pregnancy and drinking was really a non-issue. The alcoholic voice was really quiet for the most part because I guess it knew I'd be drinking again after I wasn't pregnant.

Then came October 10th, which was the first time my husband had tried to drink beer in front of me since I'd been pregnant. It was the first temptation I'd been exposed to and I didn't really argue with the voice when it told me I'd be ok if I had only 1 or 2... Ha! As if that was possible. You know the story if you saw my first post...

And that brought me to the realization that I could never ever handle drinking again... Once I said that... said I would NEVER EVER drink again... that's when that alcoholic voice just started getting panicky. It's wispering in my ear constantly. Like I said, not so much trying to get me to drink right now, but when I'm no longer pregnant... I think I'm winning though. I have much better arguments than the alcoholic voice, thanks to all I'm learning here on this site.

[mirage]

I remember when I was pregnant with my first, I was relieved to not have the option. It was nice to just live without it as a thought. I thought, 'this baby might very well save my life.' Well, the drinking eventually crept back in as he got older. (Mind you, I had never really tried to quit, or wanted to like you do.) Then when carrying my second, I thought 'this baby might very well save my life'. Not so much. Turns out only I can save my life. (Shoot, that was awhile ago now...I really DO have issues! Crap!) I'd forgotten I even thought about this then.

Glad you're doing the work now...it's a good thing.

[Ninsuna]

LBW, regarding AA and the baby when she comes; every group is different but my home group has no problem with newborns in meetings, assuming of course mom steps out to comfort her baby if they are fussing. Be prepared for lots of attention though, lol. We have a member who is very pregnant and it's so cool to see her at meetings, she literally has a new life inside her and that is what recovery is all about. I know I'm not the only one who likes to sit next to her just to be around her. Your two year old would need to stay home, though, can dad help there?

When you brought up NOLA and Vegas, girl, you have my number, lol. I worried when I got sober they won't be fun anymore. You make a good point though that we have the freedom to go anywhere now, not just the places where you can have open containers on the street.

And as for "never ever", my addict voice uses that one against me too, that's why they say one day at a time. I had a sad about it in treatment and a counselor said, "...never drink again? Of course you can, you're 21 aren't you? Only difference is now you know what will happen if you do, the choice is always yours." That is why I keep the word "can't" out of my mouth these days. I can drink any time I want. I can drink myself to death. I don't drink. Remebering it's always my choice keeps the poor me's and not fairs at bay.
Thanks LBW, hope you stay happy and well.

[LBW]

Mirage,

LOL! "This baby is going to save my life." I've thought almost the exact thing myself. I've been trying to make changes ever since the first pregnancy. I quit smoking. I lost weight. I started running and taking care of myself. First, I cut back on the alcohol and now I've realized I just need to cut it out. I want to be a better person for my children. I have consistantly made progress, though I've stumbled along the way. I have to keep reminding myself of how far I've come and that I should not be so hard on myself.

My Dad is an alcoholic who quit drinking for 13 years while I was growing up and then when I was 18 he relapsed. The relapse lasted 12 years. Now he's back to not drinking again. I'm scared that the same thing could happen to me. I don't want it to. An alcoholic parent affects you hard no matter what age you are.

Ninsuna,

That's a good idea about bringing the baby. Maybe I could do that if he's not too fussy. I've been reading about AA and the steps a little more today. I'm just reading all I can and then I'm going to have some questions.

You know what's funny? I quit smoking cigarettes and I don't have a cigarette voice in my head that taunts me. I look at people smoking today and I'm not tempted. All I remember is the hacking up of brown mucus and the expense. I do not entertain thoughts that maybe I might be able to handle just smoking 1 or 2. I don't think maybe I wasn't really addicted to cigarettes. I readily accept that if I have even 1 more drag I could get addicted again.

I don't understand why it's so different with alcohol. I mean, I was addicted to cigarettes for 7 years and couldn't stop even though I wanted to very badly.

I just find that interesting. This disease of addiction is baffling.