Guilt=excuse not to go to AA?

[Krismutt1]

I've been dancing around this guilt for some time now. Feeling guilty for the hour I'd spend away from my kids at night to go to a meeting. Missing their night time routine because mommy needs to get out of the house and go to an AA meeting. It's been stopping me from going. My question is .. is this my disease convincing me to keep drinking and out of AA?


I don't know what to do!

[TheSunAlsoRises]

Think of it from a utilitarian perspective--would your kids want you absent an hour and present the rest of the time, or present for an hour yet always absent?

Do WHATEVER it takes to stop drinking... you won't regret it

[sailorjohn]

Can't honestly say I'd ever heard that one before. Feeling guilty didn't stop you from going out drinking, did it? Here's the thing, you go to the meeting, miss an hour with your kids but you come home sober.

Infinitely better than missing the time with the kids and coming home drunk. I think your kids would prefer their Mommy to be sober too.

[CarolD]

My first AA group met at 7 a.m. I went before work.

Perhaps that time or maybe a noon meeting is in your area?

Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum


Blessings to you and your family....

[smacked]

That's a new one to me too!

I'm pretty sure that hour would be better spent in benefit of your kids than all your drinking ever did..

Try it

[Ago]

Alcoholic minds are like bad neighborhoods

not safe to go into alone

Don't listen to your mind, right now it's not your friend, alcoholism is an obsession of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body and it doesn't sleep, what I mean by that is while I am sleeping I swear to God my mind will stay up all night smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee thinking of new ways to convince me of this that or the other, such as "meetings are keeping me away from my children" and will give me guilt, it seems to me my alcoholism will manifest in ways such as making me so uncomfortable that taking a drink appears to be an option.

Look, this thing is cunning baffling and powerful and it will 'speak" to you using language that it knows will reach you, it's like a guilty mother on crack, you know the saying "of course your mother knows how to push your buttons, she installed them" your brain is even better at that then your mother.

go to meetings

work the steps

find other parents (with long term sobriety) and communicate your misgivings to them

absent a few hours a week and more profoundly present loving and accountable then ever before > around and drunk

[Dime]

I have seen a lot of ladies get sober that had young children. It really is such a wonderful thing to watch parents and her children through sobriety and how much nicer things can be. My thoughts are always of how much better lives the children will have with sober parents.

Carol has a great point. There are early morning meetings available in most areas. It is a great alternative for most people.

[caleb76]

I spent 50 plus hours per week drinking! Now I spend two to three hours per week in meetings. Do the math.

[justanothrdrunk]

My alcoholic brain can come up with 1 million and 1 excuses not to go to AA because my alcoholic brain doesn't want me going to AA.

My alcoholic brain wants me to drink.

[Wolfchild]

In early recovery. it was very hard for me to distinquish what the disease was trying to get me to do and what was the result of living such a self destructive lifestyle. My attitudes and perceptions had become so warped from the disease and the resulting insanity, that i didn't really trust what my head told me or what my feelings were leading me to believe. As i began to follow the directions and suggestions of people who had found a new way of life, i began to make better decisions. As i began to work the 12 Steps, i got honest with myself, my sponsor, and the God of my understanding about the exact nature of my problems. This lead to a greater freedom in putting my recovery and my well being first. As i continued to go to meetings, a natural desire to want a better life for myself became apparent. When someone said to me, "You can only keep what you have by giving it away!"; i knew that i would, or could not, be of any value to myself (or others!) until i based my life on spiritual values. Letting go of what i think is important to me and becoming willing to embrace what God reveals is best for me has been (and continues to be!!) the difference between my will for my life and what God's will is for my life. i used to think, "i'm broken and i can't fix me." By continuing to do the right thing for my life on a daily basis i now believe, "i'm getting better and now i can help someone else." i cannot help anyone, or be helped by someone, if i do not make myself available.

i hope you will put your needs & your recovery first and let life work out the other details.

[ElegantlyWasted]

Cunning, baffeling powerful!! Haven't heard that one before (your guilt projection) either, but have heard many similiar addiction based thoughts of delusion and denial. Your body is screaming to feed the beast. Don't do it.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk

My alcoholic brain can come up with 1 million and 1 excuses not to go to AA because my alcoholic brain doesn't want me going to AA.

Just goes to show ya - you can' believe everything you think!

[Clutch B]

I can understand the guilt of making myself unavailable to someone who needs me -- just so that I can do something to help myself. It makes me feel selfish.

But, pretend for a minute, that it's not an AA meeting that you're attending.

Pretend that your kidneys are in bad shape, and you need to spend that time in the hospital on dialysis.

Would you feel guilty then?

I mean, that's a life and death situation. So you wouldn't feel guilty for keeping yourself alive, right?

Sobriety is a life and death issue too.

When sobriety doesn't seem like a life and death issue -- that's the disease talking.

Your children need you, and they need you to be sober more than anything else.

[yeahgr8]

Yes it is your disease convincing you to keep drinking and out of AA

[Charmie]

i ditto what wolfchild and ago have both said! do the opposite to what your brain is trying to tell you.go to the meetings.you will be a much better mother.my daughter went to live with my sister 4 and a half years ago because of my alcoholism.i have been sober 9 months and she still lives 400 miles away with my sister,but we are good and im slowly building bridges.my daughter calls me all the time now,she didnt used to.

[caleb76]

Originally Posted by Clutch B

When sobriety doesn't seem like a life and death issue -- that's the disease talking.

Great quote! I hope I can always remember that.

[barb dwyer]

It's been stopping me from going. My question is .. is this my disease convincing me to keep drinking and out of AA?

Pretty much ... yep.

Can always ask another question related to that - did it bother as much *leaving* the kids to spend time drinking?
Even if we're WITH someone - we're not ... when we're drunk.

Yep - from the sound of it - tiome to 'buck up' and get back in the swing of it all.

Nobody - and I mean NObody....
winds up in AA because their lives were going so well.

AA is probably what got your life back on track, wasn't it?
We couldn't run our lives before AA,
what in the world makes us think we can run our lives *after* AA?

There *is* no 'after AA' for me...
only another drunk from which I won't recover.
I'm fairly certain your kids don't want a drunk around again.
They'd rather have you gone an hour or so a few times a week...
than *never* be present because of alcohol.

[me11109]

As a father of three, I do understand the question, but SunAlsoRises said it better than I could ...

Originally Posted by TheSunAlsoRises

... would your kids want you absent an hour and present the rest of the time, or present for an hour yet always absent?

Even if you have to hire a baby-sitter, give the kids too much pizza and junk food, and let them stay up too late --- it is well worth the cost.

How much does a DWI cost? A divorce? A child who gets in trouble because of problems at home with their alcoholic parent?

How much pain does a child feel when their parent takes an hour off vs. disengaging from them for a lifetime?

You are making an excuse. Admit it. Get over it. Go to a meeting. Do it for you.

[stg1979]

The best thing you can do for your kids right now is to go to those meetings. Everyone involved will appreciate it in the long run!

[LBW]

Krismutt,

I can relate to the feelings of guilt for leaving your children so you can get away for "me" time. I used to meet a runners group at night basically to prevent myself from drinking instead. I felt bad, but if I didn't go run then I'd drink... and then not only would I be drunk that night in front of my child, I'd be hung over the whole next day ignoring him.

I agree with everyone here though, you should go to the meetings. I like what Me11109 said.

You know how on an airplane, they tell you in the event of an emergency secure your own breathing mask first and THEN put on your childrens... You can't be of help to anyone if your struggling to stay alive yourself!

[txsar]

Krismutt1, I can totally relate to your feelings of guilt. But I also agree with what everyone else is posting. I went to my first AA meeting last Saturday morning at 9:00 am. I didn't feel too much guilt as they usually watch Sat morning cartoons anyway and I considered it Daddy/kids bonding time In the evenings I do other things for myself (bible study 1/week, sit on a preschool board of directors that meets 1/month, have girls night out every once in a while). So I'm trying not to see AA meetings as anything different.

[Krismutt1]

Thanks to all. You've made some really valid points that I can't ignore. I was looking for some "tough love" and I appreaciate everyone's honesty.

Meeting tonight at 8!

[me11109]

Krismutt - How did the meeting go?

[keepcominback]

For me, as a parent, when I sober up, I realize the times that I missed with my child, and almost want to make up for it, by never leaving them. Perhaps this is what you are feeling.

I do feel guilty at times especially when my husband tells me my child is calling for me when I am gone, but it would be no different than me being gone to go grocery shopping, right?

Kids need to learn independence, and so if Mom is around ALL the time, that is not really great for them in that they become dependant on us, and have the seperation anxiety more so, so balance it out, and don't feel guilty for going to the program that will keep you sober.

Plus, there is a new woman that needs you, that needs to hear you were able to stop drinking. Go there for her, and for you.

[McGowdog]

To the OP... welcome to SR.

Hope you find a successful solution to your problem here and/or upon some recovery path.

I don't know anything about you except that you are a mother and are going to give A.A. a shot. If A.A. becomes your path to sobriety/recovery, I'd like to see you over in the 12 Step subforum. If it's some other form of recovery, I wish you well in that too.

If it turns out that A.A. is for you, I'd like to hear more about you and booze. Are you an alcoholic of the hopeless variety? Do you need a program like A.A. to get and stay sober?

Maybe... maybe not.

Welcome again to SR and perhaps A.A.