Curious

[JACKRUSSELLGIRL]

Hello,

I was just wondering what are some of the things that your codies did that did not help you while you were active but trying to quit????

[smacked]

I don't 'have' a codie.. sorry. If you'd like to know what my husband did that was or wasn't helpful, my answer is (get ready) absolutely nothing.

My drinking and drugging had absolutely nothing to do with him, nor does my recovery.

I love him dearly, and our marriage is wonderful.. but that mess and recovery from it was all me, his involvement mattered not, it couldn't...

[Mark75]

Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Hello,

I was just wondering what are some of the things that your codies did that did not help you while you were active but trying to quit????

She thought I should quit buying vodka and asked me to stop. Touching, really... Nothing, almost nothing, that she could of done would have helped, short of leaving me...

Mrs. Cubile doesn't do codie... She goes to Al-anot ....

Hey, welcome to Alcoholism Forum!!

Mark

[CarolD]

Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum...

I've had no one in my drinking or recovery life
that was a co-dependent.

When I was dealing with 2 of my adult childrens
various addictions....I found Alanon immensley useful.
Thats where I first heard the term---codie.

I was not codie with them

Hope you find a way to enjoy YOUR life....

[Dime]

My family really did not enable me at all. I used excuses to drink in the past but today I realize that I was responsible for my drinking. That realization was a very important part of my recovery.

[yeahgr8]

Hmm, all the usual stuff...

Meeting me instead of me going drinking, talking to her when i wanted to drink, moving area, changing job, begging, lots of advice, lending me money, having sex when wanting to go out drinking, coming to bars to get me out, ringing me until i would come home, getting her friends to talk to me, threatening to leave, listening to hour long talks about me, taking abuse from me...you know usual ****!

Now im sober i wouldn't even look twice at her, fortunately for both of us she has a new bfriend who i actually know and hes a cool guy, i'm soooo grateful for that. I still wish she had left after the first year but then i guess she was as sick as me...she still would want to be friends but i told her 3 months ago i couldn't have anymore contact after 6 years of knowing her...

Funny how things turn out!

[flutter]

I also didn't have a 'codie' in my life.. and yes, my drinking and my recovery were totally about me, and not anyone else.. however when I was first sober and fully committed to staying that way, it was very helpful and probably critical that my husband be ok w/ no more liquor in the house, not drinking around me..etc. But that was support, not really anything that would have made or broke my recovery,that was all on me!

[JACKRUSSELLGIRL]

Thanks!

Very interesting... A little background I have been married to hubby for 21 years. Notice the drinking problem after my second was born (she is 16 now) at that time, I was like this is BS, not living like this and told him the booze or us. He quit drinking for years but started up @ 4 years ago and got a DUI in February. He stopped after the DUI for 7 months and I started to get that wonderful smell the last month or so. Of course he is denying it. I found this site and go to Al-anon but I guess I am curious of what goes on in the addicted person mind. Believe me I know that will not help my recovery, just curious.

You guys are great and good luck with a sober life. I know my husband is a completely different person when sober and healthier. Not sure why he would want to start the chaos again but not my issue.

[Sugah]

I had enablers, and I was also in a number of co-dependent relationships where we did our best to keep each other afloat (without the actual, you know, sobering up). My mother hid my drinking and drug use from my father, who was mean as a bear, though I know she did it in part so that he wouldn't take it out on her as well as me. She and many others bought into the victim identity I very carefully cultivated ("It's no wonder she drinks, takes too many pills, keeps losing her mind, etc..."). With my string of exes, we were very forgiving of each others' destructive tendencies. If we weren't, then we'd have to acknowledge there was a problem, and if there was a problem, we both had it.

I never had a relationship with a normie, so I can't speak to that. I only took hostages who were just like me.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[intheknow]

As the wife of an alcoholic, the things that I did to make the situation better: NOTHING. The things that I did to make the situation worse: NOTHING.

I did nothing. And got nothing. And wondered why I had nothing.

Then I found this place, and now I am figuring this all out. Thanks for all of your posts, your honesty, and the wonderful wisdom you share.

[veryregretful]

I want to reply to this but I'm not quite understanding. There were codies in your lives? But, of course, they didn't do anything to help or hinder your recovery if you wanted to recover?

I just got Co-Dependant No More and I realized I'm definately a codie. I'm not saying everyone who is an alcoholic has a codie but I feel that if they were married wouldn't their spouse be a codie? I'm still trying to understand this codie part.

I understand even though I'm a codie I didn't cause him to drink and I can't help him stop. He has to do that himself but the feelings I have definately put me in the codie group. Towards the end I detached myself with love almost completely. Then my AH's anger was going toward the kids then amazingly enough the little dog I have.

I guess today I'll do some more reading of the book. Hopefully that book will help me understand. I'm looking forward to more people replying to this post.

[smacked]

Very.. I see no one followed up on some of your questions, and all I can share is my experience but I'll give it a try (and sorry for hijacking for a moment, Jack).

There were codies in your lives?

No, there was not a 'codie' in my life. My husband is married to me, but is not and was not codependent.

I'm not saying everyone who is an alcoholic has a codie but I feel that if they were married wouldn't their spouse be a codie?

Absolutely not. My husband has never enabled me, tried to 'fix' me, or felt responsible for my issues, or thought in some way he could control them. He left that up to me.. and that was healthy for him to do. My recovery had nothing to do with him, nor did my drug or alcohol use.

I guess my point in answering is, not every relationship that involves drug or alcohol abuse includes codependency. That is an issue for the person that is codependent to recognize, treat, and recover from just like the substance or alcohol issues are for the person with those issues. Does it happen often? Yes.. Us addicts/alcoholics have a pretty good radar for people that will enable us. If not, we know how to manipulate the relationship usually so that it does suit our need for some sick sort of permission, worry, codependency. Does every alcoholic and/or addict "have" a "codie"? No way.. it's not a mutually exculsive dichotomy.

That's my really long way of saying not every relationship where one person is an addict or alcoholic is there another person with codependency issues. There's relationships full of codependency and NO addiction issues. There's addiction issues with NO enablers in the addicts life. I think someone with 'codie' issues needs to treat that individually, just like I treated my addiction issues..

That's of course all just my opinion

[veryregretful]

Thank you smacked!!!

That makes sense. I wish I wasn't a codie but here I am. I didn't realize it or try to understand it till I got the book Codependent No More. It's me!!!!!! I don't know if this sentence makes sense but I don't want to be a codie to my kids. I want to be thier mom. I have the behaviors of a codie and I don't want to be a codie. So today I will try to finish the book and reread it. I want to change these behaviors that I have had for years. I allowed my AH to continue to drink and abuse us since forever.

I just hope in the future, if a divorce is in the picture, that I don't fall for a guy that's is a needy person. I'll have to watch out for that. I've always been a saver and still am to this day. My dad was an alki and alot of my family is. My dad passed away at 47 when i was 15. I have an aunt that has wet brain and there are immediate family members.

You definately gave me something to think about. I know it is the alcoholics problem and my AH says he is an alki but is in denial about it. He still thinks he deserves to drink bcause he works so hard. Bull. I work fulltime and do all around the house but you don't see me drinking. Maybe having a cigarette but those are gone soon because i can't afford them.

Thank you again and something to think about!!!!! Have a good day.

[Mark75]

Originally Posted by smacked

Does every alcoholic and/or addict "have" a "codie"? No way.. it's not a mutually exculsive dichotomy.

That's my really long way of saying not every relationship where one person is an addict or alcoholic is there another person with codependency issues. There's relationships full of codependency and NO addiction issues. There's addiction issues with NO enablers in the addicts life. I think someone with 'codie' issues needs to treat that individually, just like I treated my addiction issues..

That's of course all just my opinion

It is not just your opinion, smacked, it's your experience. It happens to be mine also. My wife was concerned, but not codependent.

It's interesting how this thread evolved, maybe this touched on an important issue...

Mark

[JACKRUSSELLGIRL]

Thanks guys for the insight. Hey maybe I am not codie, just don't know how to deal with the current situation.

Smacked - How was your relationship during your drinking days? I am trying to learn about Alcoholism so I understand it better. SOme of the things I have read say that the Alcoholic is emotionally unavailable and whatever age he started to drink was when he stopped growing in that area. I am not sure I understand that because up until the last few years, he was there emotionally. Lately though he is not and since I addressed that I knew he was drinking again, he has decided to do the silent treatment. He has never done this before. It is confusing but I am learning everyday and I do believe whatever our struggles are in life, they are there for a reason.

[barb dwyer]

*sigh*

Would only that I'd *had* a codie... LOL!

I like how you phrased that.

JRG , one thing I tell everyone that you must decide is:
are you satisfied being #2 in their world?

Because an alcoholic's first love is drinking.
that's the 'lover' of a lifetime.
Even if you find an alcoholic in recovery -
we have to keep our recovery #1.
or our connection with the Infinite has to be #1.
Whatever -
*you* or a partner...
always has to come after that.

For me,
as an alcoholic as well as a 'codie' from hell - LOL
the best any man can hope for with me is #2 on my list.
Which will work out fine
as long as I find a man who's also in recovery.

Something to think adn pray about, for sure.
And to be clear within yourself about.

Good luck to ya!

[veryregretful]

So I realize I was codependant with my AH. How I hate to say that. I did try to control things. I obsessed and worried and my life revolved around my AH. Didn't do things because afraid of reprecussions due to is jealously and selfishness. Did do things to try and make him happy. I took things way to personal and I realized eventually what I was doing and slowly stopped doing them. When he didn't get to me anymore while he was drinking he wold go to another target.

So I should be careful not to be codepenent with my children. If you can be codendent to non addicts then certainly I could be codependent with my kids. I'll have to work on my ways and behavior as I raise my children.

Now an enabler on the hand enables the addict by allowing it, etc.

Doesn't codependent and enabler go hand in hand. I'll have to look more up on enabler because I was/am an enabler along with being codependent.

I'm just trying to understand. Thanks I like this post
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