relapsed again

[beaglenut]

I know I am powerless over alcohol. Well, I "think" I know it. So why do I keep relapsing. Two weeks ago my significant other found out I was secretly drinking. He asked me and I admitted it. He is a recovering addict/alcoholic. I know not a good type of relationship. Meeting in rehab. But he stayed sober and I didn't. He told me he didn't think he could move in with me. But he thought about it, and decided to stay with me because he loved me.

So what do I do on the weekend? Yep, drink while he was here visiting me. Even though I had lied that I wasn't. He found a receipt in my purse. He got up, left me a note saying he couldn't be around me if I was in active addiction. At first he said if I could get in thirty days sober he'd live with me. Then last night he told me he had to protect his recovery because being around me made him want to use. So that's it, I guess.

I understand his decision. He was using for 30 years before he got clean. He can't use again ever I respect that. But selfishly I still am completely in love with him and it breaks my heart that I screwed up so badly and threw that relationship out the window.

Now I've called my mum to come and get me and take me home with her for treatment. I must do this. I've been drinking alcoholically for 10 years and I know if I don't stop I will die.

God, give me strength.

[tanyapmc]

I think you have made the right decision to go to treatment. I had to be physically removed from my situation to get sober. I am now home and have been clean and sober over 2 1/2 years. I go to AA, have worked the steps, and now sponsor others. That is the key for me. And I got a lot of relief after the amends process. Have you ever worked the 12 steps?

I have a Beagle myself. Do you?

[beaglenut]

I've been in rehab last year. Stayed sober for 4 months, relapsed, sober for 2 months, relapsed. In my better moments I hit a meeting every day, use my sponsor. I just keep screwing up!

Yes, I have a beagle named Sherlock.

[tanyapmc]

Pick yourself off, dust yourself and start again. You can do it!!

My beagle is named Allie.

[keithj]

Originally Posted by beaglenut

In my better moments I hit a meeting every day, use my sponsor.

What do you use that sponsor for? I know a lot of people in AA that have a sponsor and use them for advice and a sounding board. While a sober friend may be sufficient for some, most alcoholics can not stay sober on that alone.

That sponsor's real purpose is to guide you through the Big Book and show you how they and others have used those directions to have a spiritual awakening that allows freedom from alcoholism. If you read the 10th step promises, it describes that freedom.

Originally Posted by beaglenut

I know I am powerless over alcohol...So why do I keep relapsing.

It's that idea that tips me off a little and guides my response to you. You're powerless over alcohol, and you have to ask why you keep relapsing? The better question is, if you are truly powerless, how do you ever keep from relapsing?

That comment makes me think that your sponsor hasn't done a very good job of communicating what powerless means. It means that you are going to keep relapsing, and there isn't a damn thing you or any other person can do about it. Powerless means being doomed to spend the next 5 years like you spent the last 5.

You, or me for that matter, simply do not have the power to stop that next relapse. My only hope, is to tap into a power greater than myself that will keep me protected. That leads me right into Step 2, and deeper into the Big Book.

How do I tap into that power? That is exactly what the BB is about. It's main purpose is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself that will solve your problem.

So then I make a decision to turn my will and life over in Step 3, and I carry out that decision through the actions of Steps 4-9. It's all very simple.

Originally Posted by beaglenut

God, give me strength.

God will, provided you do the things necessary to remove that from yourself which is blocking the sunlight of the spirit.

[sfgirl]

Originally Posted by beaglenut

I understand his decision. He was using for 30 years before he got clean. He can't use again ever I respect that.

When I read this it seemed to me like you were drawing a difference between you and him. It almost seems like you might still be holding onto the chance that you can use again, and in fact do while relapsing.

Like the other poster said it is about admitting you are powerless. I am not in AA but basically doing the first step of AA started my journey to true sobriety. Really accepting that I was powerless was a true struggle and one that lasted a couple of years. So yeah, I was on step one for two maybe three years. I don't know what really made it click but thank god it did.

The other thing is that new relationships whether with an addict or not can only complicate things. Recovery is really about cultivating a new relationship with yourself. I think that is probably why there is the common suggestion of no new things in the first year. It sounds like you have a good plan on going back home to get into treatment. Good luck and take care of yourself!

[Pinkcuda]

Why do we keep drinking when we're in full agreement that we are powerless and can not control the outcome?
That's what we refer to as "Insanity"!
The "Insanity" is the act of picking up the first drink. Nothing More!
Do you want a definition?
Here's the link
insanity legal definition of insanity. insanity synonyms by the Free Online Law Dictionary.
Of course I took the liberty of looking up "Insanity" for you.

insanity n. 1) mental illness of such a severe nature that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, cannot conduct her/his affairs due to psychosis, or is subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior.

In one sentence they use the word "Illness", they describe the unmanagibility of our lives and they refer the the complete lack of control.
It's almost like Bill Wilson was clairvoyant!

[caleb76]

You will never quit for good if you don't keep trying.

[least]

One of the biggest reasons for me to get and stay sober was my two dogs (one is a 13 yr old beagle). They need me sober to care for them properly and they deserve a sober mommy.

I've relapsed more times than I'd like to remember, but have over three months now. Do'nt give up! Keep trying to stay sober one day at a time. It will happen if you don't give up.

[Pinkcuda]

Originally Posted by least

One of the biggest reasons for me to get and stay sober was my two dogs

I had to laugh at that one.

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism

[least]

Sometimes my dogs ARE my higher power Pink! THeir unconditional love is like God's unconditional love: always there no matter what. God gave them to me to love and care for, and I do that best when I'm sober.

[caleb76]

Originally Posted by Pinkcuda

I had to laugh at that one.

Hahahaha. Nice catch. Here I was looking for some divine higher power and all I needed was my dog.

If it works then it works. Congrats on three months!

[CarolD]

I certainly hope you can find your way into solid sobriety.


Welcome back to SR

[lillie]

I used to have a beagle named Sadie!!! I must say, she had an eating disorder. She was the sweetest thing in the world unless you came near her food and then she was bat-sh!! crazy. I loved her though... anyway, I think you're doing the best thing for yourself and you need treatment and will feel much better about everything when you settle in there. I always do (what a pathetic statement that was...) I'm a chronic relapser, needless to say. I'm sorry your relationship broke up, maybe when you have some time you will find yourselves together again, maybe not... you will see what is right for you. Good luck!