Failed

[Cath1029]

Ever feel like the purpose of your life is basically to serve as a warning to others?

Addiction, codependency, abuse, loneliness...all of it will get you in the end. And sometimes you will even welcome it when it does.

Not much else to say. Not the time to feel sorry for myself, play the victim, or ask why. I know why. Because of my own bad choices and decision making and just being a really sick person. I have been given the opportunity to start over more times than I can count, and every time I have let my various addictions get in my way and let down family, friends and myself.

I appreciate everyone who has supported me, and I'm sorry for those who feel burned. I've burned so many people. It's what I've become. I'm selfish. Sure, I talk a good game, but never follow through.

I've given birth to 3 beautiful children who are still young and need to grow, not one of whom is with me now, and there's a good reason for that. Maybe drinking vodka at 10 in the morning has something to do with it. Maybe exposing them to an abusive environment with an AH who is just as sick as I am. Maybe all of the above and more. I guess it's good that I have the sense to know they shouldn't be with me, but it's not what I had planned on when bringing them into this world.

I know a lot of people struggle. Many are strong, smart, reach out for what is offered and survive and even give back. I've seen it lots of times, and it is beautiful to see. I hope that is the case for each and every one of you. There are some wonderful people here who have made it and who are closer to making it every day.

I have always loved being here. It just gets harder to justify my own behavior and complain about the same things over and over, waste people's time and then not even listen to the powerful words shared with me. This place has helped a lot of people, and I know that will continue for a long time. I have a lot of love for you guys.

[littlebluedog]

Keep trying. Some take longer than others.

[joedris]

Cath, This site isn't for us, it's for you. We're here to help, and can't do that unless you let us know what's going on. You're not wasting our time, you're the reason we're here. Yeah, you've made some great mistakes in you life, but nothing that can't be corrected if you want to correct them. You see, you have to want it badly enough. If you do then good things will begin to happen. So stick around, please. And don't ever think that this has been easy for any of us. It hasn't. It's hard. But it's possible.

[dgillz]

Don't give up! we all go through ups and downs, hang in there and keep posting rather than drinking.

[smacked]

You can spend a lot of energy martyring yourself, and keeping yourself stuck, or you can reach out, grab on to whatever might help and make it the last time.

I hope one day you choose to save yourself.

[shaun00]

if it were easy there be no need for sr......aa.......treatment......on and on.

its not easy......and i feel for you.........i havent forgot how difficult the physical action of stopping drinking was........let alone staying stopped.

there is a world of support out there.......my experience is aa/12 step.
but there are plenty of other methods that members use here.....

god be with you and keep you safe....

[Dee74]

hey Cath

our journeys are our journeys...there's no medals given out for 'quickest time to recovery' or anything like that...we have to learn certain things, and unlearn certain others, and some of us (me included) take a lot longer to do that

The important thing is to stay on the road - I know you want something better for yourself....so keep in the game....

don't let your despair lead you into giving up...because that makes it that much harder again to get back on the road...

stick around
D

[Charmie]

keep listening cath,keep reading.we are all here for you.its not easy and some folk get it quicker than others.you do want it or else you wouldnt be posting,but you just need to want it that bit more.it is not easy,but it is do-able.i and many others are proof of this.keep coming here cath.you are in my prayers.

[Trippstar]

Ive made massive mistakes in my life lost my home, dignity friends lost respect from my family but Im trying too make amends slowly. I know exactly where you are coming from Cath.

[Pelican]

I'll still extend my hand of support to you!

Please don't give up on YOU!

[Bamboozle]

When you are struggling most is when you need to be here the most. Don't give up.

[Butterfly]

Thank-you for sharing Cath. You mention people here "making it". Well, just "make it" for today. Let every thing else fall away and make it for today. I know you can do that. Take your "want" out of the picture for just today.

I wanted to go to the pub on Sunday 'cause I hadn't had a drink in six days, and that's an accomplishment, right? -Well, that's my will getting in the way as it has a way of doing, so I handed it over to God for yet another little day. Sure, it's a drop in the bucket but it helps break my cycle of reaching. I don't want to be a robot just reaching automatically. I've helped Heineken's stock price enough for one lifetime. I want to reprogram myself.

You are, as we all are, a unique expression of Divinity. We are all walking miracles with a specific purpose.

I'll shut up now. All the best to you.

Peace & Love,

Butterfly

[TheSunAlsoRises]

Butterfly is right. It is a slow process of breaking this cycle. Many don't. But all can. The fact that you are here still posting means you really want to recover deep down. Keep posting. Keep away from drinking for today. Keep everything as simple as you can. I can't imagine what you have gone through with your kids etc. But try to focus on you recovery first and foremost. Peace

Clayton

[Ago]

See the bicycle?

well wadda waiting for kid? get back on it and start peddling

self pity and unhappiness is just one of the ways my alcoholism keeps me sick, keeps me stuck in that place, that make believe world where drinking is necessary, drinking is necessary because of self loathing, self loathing because of drinking, which leads to self pity and so on, it's a waste of time hon

please note the sig above this post, the one that says step 0

now look in the mirror, turn around....OK, see that thing behind you, it's called your @ss, get it to a meeting, stop thinking and get into action, your mind is not your friend, stop listening to it.

[barb dwyer]

"let us love you until you can love yourself'

please don't give up - *I* need people like you in order to stay sober.

[Nevertheless]

Don't ever give up. But remember. The sooner you quit, the sooner people will start forgiving you. It takes time and a lot of work.( the quality things in life do) But people will forgive you.
You can do it

[Wolfchild]

[Charmie]

brilliant post from Ago there cath.action is defo key in getting and staying sober.

[tricky164]

cath.

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldnt control our emotional natures, we were prey to misery and depression, we couldnt make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldnt seem to be of real help to other people. (bb, p52).

i was all of these things, then i took action, went to AA, got a sponsor, worked the 12 steps, started to help others, took on a program of action and since i did these things my life has changed.

i am now, happy, useful to others, dont suffer from depression, work well for my living, i am not full of fear, and my emotional nature is under control.

i got all this from action, (not thinking).

try it for 90 days and if it dont work, you can have your misery refunded in full !!.

peace and fellowship to you

god bless.

[TheMaster]

Originally Posted by Cath1029

I have always loved being here. It just gets harder to justify my own behavior and complain about the same things over and over, waste people's time and then not even listen to the powerful words shared with me. This place has helped a lot of people, and I know that will continue for a long time. I have a lot of love for you guys.

I don't think you get the point of this place. It is here for the EXACT reason you are saying, above.

It is here for you to fail, try again, fail, try again, until you succeed.

An analogy to think of can be a pop singer. Most pop singers go through a horrible time when starting out. They are booed off stage, denied recording contracts, and play dirty bars.

Then, one day it all changes and they are a household name.

If you keep trying you will eventually succeed. If you quit, you never will.

Think of those kids. Aren't they worth fighting for?

[least]

Don't give up on yourself. Lots of us have to try and try again before we "get it". Take it one day at a time. And trust that things will get better, it will just take some time.

[Cath1029]

I am responsible 100% for the choices I have made. It just feels like getting messed up right now makes them not hurt so much.

Yesterday was my daughter's 3rd birthday. She is with AH's family. They are Jehovah's witnesses and don't celebrate birthdays. I'm sure there wasn't a cake or party or presents for her. I'm not able to wish her a happy birthday because of their fear of my voice upsetting her. I asked to come and see her for her birthday, but sis-in-law told me it was "too soon." My sons begged me to bring them to see her so they could celebrate her birthday with her, and I couldn't let them. How am I supposed to live with myself?

My first husband told me I am disgusting and don't deserve the title of mother. He said I should take my kids off my FB page. He called me a selfish bitch. Can't argue with him. He told me to just stay with AH and leave the kids alone. I was supposed to take them trick-or-treating, but he took that away and is sending them to his sister's instead. Of course, he said I could drive them over there so it would help him out.

So much hate for myself. Can't live with it.

[Mark75]

Well, you know getting messed up right now isn't going to help a thing. But I also know that what you FEEL is stronger than what you KNOW.

How are you going to deal with how you are feeling?

(((Cath)))

Mark

[least]

There is nothing so bad that drinking can't make it worse, a lot worse. Please don't give in to the alcoholic voice telling you to just 'drink it all away'. You might be able to forget about it for a little while, then it would all come back and you would feel worse than ever. Don't drink, just for today. Take small steps to get where you want to be. It takes time and effort, but you CAN do it.

[CarolD]

All of us make bad choices when we were active in our
addiction lives. By staying clean and sober....we begin to
make better ones.

First correct choice is staying sober and clean.
Only then can we move forward.