Notices

Failed

Old 10-28-2009, 09:16 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,671
Don't give up on yourself. Lots of us have to try and try again before we "get it". Take it one day at a time. And trust that things will get better, it will just take some time.

:ghug3
least is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 06:17 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
I am responsible 100% for the choices I have made. It just feels like getting messed up right now makes them not hurt so much.

Yesterday was my daughter's 3rd birthday. She is with AH's family. They are Jehovah's witnesses and don't celebrate birthdays. I'm sure there wasn't a cake or party or presents for her. I'm not able to wish her a happy birthday because of their fear of my voice upsetting her. I asked to come and see her for her birthday, but sis-in-law told me it was "too soon." My sons begged me to bring them to see her so they could celebrate her birthday with her, and I couldn't let them. How am I supposed to live with myself?

My first husband told me I am disgusting and don't deserve the title of mother. He said I should take my kids off my FB page. He called me a selfish bitch. Can't argue with him. He told me to just stay with AH and leave the kids alone. I was supposed to take them trick-or-treating, but he took that away and is sending them to his sister's instead. Of course, he said I could drive them over there so it would help him out.

So much hate for myself. Can't live with it.
Cath1029 is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 06:39 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mark75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Well, you know getting messed up right now isn't going to help a thing. But I also know that what you FEEL is stronger than what you KNOW.

How are you going to deal with how you are feeling?

(((Cath)))

Mark
Mark75 is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 06:54 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,671
There is nothing so bad that drinking can't make it worse, a lot worse. Please don't give in to the alcoholic voice telling you to just 'drink it all away'. You might be able to forget about it for a little while, then it would all come back and you would feel worse than ever. Don't drink, just for today. Take small steps to get where you want to be. It takes time and effort, but you CAN do it.
least is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 07:19 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
CarolD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
All of us make bad choices when we were active in our
addiction lives. By staying clean and sober....we begin to
make better ones.

First correct choice is staying sober and clean.
Only then can we move forward.

Last edited by CarolD; 10-30-2009 at 10:39 AM. Reason: typos
CarolD is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 10:03 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Radford Va
Posts: 4
This past Monday I relapsed after a year and a half of sobriety, and I have learned that the worst thing you can do is beat yourself up. All we can do is pick ourselves up and try again and NEVER give up.
BrianT72278 is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 10:19 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern Colorado
Posts: 143
If you don't keep trying to quit you will never quit. That is scary to think about but I think it is true. If you give up for ten years you will drink for ten years. You have to keep dusting yourself off. If you don't you will continue to drink indefinitely.

I am 33 years old and terrified that I will stop trying to not drink. I have a good run with six months sober. This is the first time I have utilized the help of AA. I have to suit up and show up and be active in my own recovery. If I am not I will eventually drink again. Once I take that first drink I will eventually be back to a twelve pack per night. That is me, I don't like it but that is the reality of me as an alcoholic.

SoberRecovery is one way that I am using to stay proactive in my recovery. Being on here and sharing little pieces of my story will help me remember what and who I am for yet another day.

Thanks for the great post, you helped me remember how hopeless I felt just a few months ago.

Keep coming back and working your program of recovery. Your program can be tweaked and changed as you go.

Also, be open minded and think outside the box. Use doctors, use a support group like AA, use your friends, use the internet. Keep your chin up!

Have a nice weekend!

Originally Posted by Cath1029 View Post
Ever feel like the purpose of your life is basically to serve as a warning to others?

Addiction, codependency, abuse, loneliness...all of it will get you in the end. And sometimes you will even welcome it when it does.

Not much else to say. Not the time to feel sorry for myself, play the victim, or ask why. I know why. Because of my own bad choices and decision making and just being a really sick person. I have been given the opportunity to start over more times than I can count, and every time I have let my various addictions get in my way and let down family, friends and myself.

I appreciate everyone who has supported me, and I'm sorry for those who feel burned. I've burned so many people. It's what I've become. I'm selfish. Sure, I talk a good game, but never follow through.

I've given birth to 3 beautiful children who are still young and need to grow, not one of whom is with me now, and there's a good reason for that. Maybe drinking vodka at 10 in the morning has something to do with it. Maybe exposing them to an abusive environment with an AH who is just as sick as I am. Maybe all of the above and more. I guess it's good that I have the sense to know they shouldn't be with me, but it's not what I had planned on when bringing them into this world.

I know a lot of people struggle. Many are strong, smart, reach out for what is offered and survive and even give back. I've seen it lots of times, and it is beautiful to see. I hope that is the case for each and every one of you. There are some wonderful people here who have made it and who are closer to making it every day.

I have always loved being here. It just gets harder to justify my own behavior and complain about the same things over and over, waste people's time and then not even listen to the powerful words shared with me. This place has helped a lot of people, and I know that will continue for a long time. I have a lot of love for you guys.
caleb76 is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 10:27 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern Colorado
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by BrianT72278 View Post
This past Monday I relapsed after a year and a half of sobriety, and I have learned that the worst thing you can do is beat yourself up. All we can do is pick ourselves up and try again and NEVER give up.
Thanks for the honesty! Are you using any kind of support group?
caleb76 is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 10:30 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
great posts caleb,thank you.
Charmie is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 10:48 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
CarolD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
BrianT72278 .....
I hope you are planning/doing a new beginning.
Use that earlier sober time as a base to start.

Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum
CarolD is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 10:50 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 23
I've had 11 Day 1s......keep trying and things have a way of coming together.

Camaris is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 05:13 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Radford Va
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by caleb76 View Post
Thanks for the honesty! Are you using any kind of support group?
I have returned to AA. That is one thing that caused my relapse, I got WAY to cocky about my recovery and stopped attending meetings. I won't make that mistake again.
BrianT72278 is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 05:45 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Not all better, getting better
 
tyler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Cath, I do understand where you are coming from. I've stumbled through the last 20 years of my life, leaving a wake of destruction behind me. Over the last 5 years I've only been able to spend a few weeks with my son. I hate that. I thought killing myself was the best option. Fortunately, it didn't work out, and I saw that made things even worse than before.

However...I haven't given up. There are definately times I felt like it, but some little part of me kept going. It's the part of you that has you posting how you are feeling here. You need to latch on to that little piece like a lifeboat and hang on. It takes time for things to get better, just as it took time for us to mess them up. It rarely gets better as fast as we would like it to, but it does get better.

Less than a year ago I was working a crap job that I hated, spending the little money I made staying high and/or drunk all the time. I lived 1000 miles away from my son. I had declared bankruptcy, my wife had divorced me. Life pretty much sucked. About 5 months ago, I finally made the decision to not "try to quit" but to do it, at all costs. In that time, I've moved (I'm now only 100 miles away from my son, still not perfect, but I can now visit on weekends), I have a new job making twice what I made before (I could never pass a drug test before, so I stayed stuck in the same crappy job for 4 years), my depression is getting better (I see a theripist and psychitrist to help with this. I still have bad days, but they are getting fewer now that I'm clean) and overall things are looking up.

Pot is my DOC and I gotta tell you there are still many times I'd like to loose myself in a cloud of green smoke and drift away. I just love that feeling. But I look at what I've accomplished and I know that if I did take that hit, smoke that joint, that it would lead to a bag, then another when it was gone, then more and more. Then my job performance would start slipping and eventually I'd probably lose that job, because I've gotta be sharp for it. The money would dry up, my ex would know I was using again (she always does!!) and my time with my son would be restricted, and so on and so on.

I guess my point is, I know things feel bad right now, but drinking is not going to make them better. Yes, it would ease the pain for awhile, but you gotta sober up sometime and then you are just deeper in the hole than you were to start with. You've gotta take baby steps and be proud of yourself when you accomplish them, even if it's just something little.

I've often heard the comment in the "rooms" that "we'll love you until you can learn to love yourself". It's true. There is a lot of love in those rooms and there is a lot of love here. It's still a baby step thing though. To stop hating yourself, you have to give yourself a bit of a break. Wallowing and beating yourself up will get you nowhere. Trust me, I know, no one can possible beat me harder than I beat myself. All it gets you is more depressed. So give yourself a little break. Have some little successes. Learn to at least tolearate yourself, then work on likeing yourself a little.

I can honestly say, I have not reached the point where I "love myself", but I'm starting to at least like myself, and it feels really good. That's how I got to where I am. My life is far from perfect, but it sure is better than it used to be. I try to be satisfied with what I have today, and know if I stay on this course, things will only get better. Sure there will be issues, problems and roadblocks, but I now feel like these things can be overcome.

If it is at all possible, I would recommend seeing a theripist who has a background in addiction. They can help you sort through all of this. They can't do the work for you, but they can help guide you and provide support when you need it. Hang in there. You are worth it!!! Take care.
tyler is offline  
Old 10-30-2009, 06:34 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern Colorado
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by BrianT72278 View Post
I have returned to AA. That is one thing that caused my relapse, I got WAY to cocky about my recovery and stopped attending meetings. I won't make that mistake again.
Glad you are back. I will try not to let that happen to me either. I think being humble with yourself is key to recovery.

I was extremely humble, scared and desperate when I walked into the rooms of AA. My sobriety improved drastically when I stopped trying myself and let others help me.
caleb76 is offline  
Old 11-01-2009, 02:47 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
seeking recovery
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NSW
Posts: 171
nice to see you back! I have been wondering what happened to you Glenna, just remember you will always be your children' s mum and you will NEVER lose them even if you are physically separated for now. Just keep posting and remember every day is a chance for a new beginning!
fragrantrose is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:43 AM.