Failed

[BrianT72278]

This past Monday I relapsed after a year and a half of sobriety, and I have learned that the worst thing you can do is beat yourself up. All we can do is pick ourselves up and try again and NEVER give up.

[caleb76]

If you don't keep trying to quit you will never quit. That is scary to think about but I think it is true. If you give up for ten years you will drink for ten years. You have to keep dusting yourself off. If you don't you will continue to drink indefinitely.

I am 33 years old and terrified that I will stop trying to not drink. I have a good run with six months sober. This is the first time I have utilized the help of AA. I have to suit up and show up and be active in my own recovery. If I am not I will eventually drink again. Once I take that first drink I will eventually be back to a twelve pack per night. That is me, I don't like it but that is the reality of me as an alcoholic.

SoberRecovery is one way that I am using to stay proactive in my recovery. Being on here and sharing little pieces of my story will help me remember what and who I am for yet another day.

Thanks for the great post, you helped me remember how hopeless I felt just a few months ago.

Keep coming back and working your program of recovery. Your program can be tweaked and changed as you go.

Also, be open minded and think outside the box. Use doctors, use a support group like AA, use your friends, use the internet. Keep your chin up!

Have a nice weekend!

Originally Posted by Cath1029

Ever feel like the purpose of your life is basically to serve as a warning to others?

Addiction, codependency, abuse, loneliness...all of it will get you in the end. And sometimes you will even welcome it when it does.

Not much else to say. Not the time to feel sorry for myself, play the victim, or ask why. I know why. Because of my own bad choices and decision making and just being a really sick person. I have been given the opportunity to start over more times than I can count, and every time I have let my various addictions get in my way and let down family, friends and myself.

I appreciate everyone who has supported me, and I'm sorry for those who feel burned. I've burned so many people. It's what I've become. I'm selfish. Sure, I talk a good game, but never follow through.

I've given birth to 3 beautiful children who are still young and need to grow, not one of whom is with me now, and there's a good reason for that. Maybe drinking vodka at 10 in the morning has something to do with it. Maybe exposing them to an abusive environment with an AH who is just as sick as I am. Maybe all of the above and more. I guess it's good that I have the sense to know they shouldn't be with me, but it's not what I had planned on when bringing them into this world.

I know a lot of people struggle. Many are strong, smart, reach out for what is offered and survive and even give back. I've seen it lots of times, and it is beautiful to see. I hope that is the case for each and every one of you. There are some wonderful people here who have made it and who are closer to making it every day.

I have always loved being here. It just gets harder to justify my own behavior and complain about the same things over and over, waste people's time and then not even listen to the powerful words shared with me. This place has helped a lot of people, and I know that will continue for a long time. I have a lot of love for you guys.

[caleb76]

Originally Posted by BrianT72278

This past Monday I relapsed after a year and a half of sobriety, and I have learned that the worst thing you can do is beat yourself up. All we can do is pick ourselves up and try again and NEVER give up.

Thanks for the honesty! Are you using any kind of support group?

[Charmie]

great posts caleb,thank you.

[CarolD]

BrianT72278 .....
I hope you are planning/doing a new beginning.
Use that earlier sober time as a base to start.

Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum

[Camaris]

I've had 11 Day 1s......keep trying and things have a way of coming together.

[BrianT72278]

Originally Posted by caleb76

Thanks for the honesty! Are you using any kind of support group?

I have returned to AA. That is one thing that caused my relapse, I got WAY to cocky about my recovery and stopped attending meetings. I won't make that mistake again.

[tyler]

Cath, I do understand where you are coming from. I've stumbled through the last 20 years of my life, leaving a wake of destruction behind me. Over the last 5 years I've only been able to spend a few weeks with my son. I hate that. I thought killing myself was the best option. Fortunately, it didn't work out, and I saw that made things even worse than before.

However...I haven't given up. There are definately times I felt like it, but some little part of me kept going. It's the part of you that has you posting how you are feeling here. You need to latch on to that little piece like a lifeboat and hang on. It takes time for things to get better, just as it took time for us to mess them up. It rarely gets better as fast as we would like it to, but it does get better.

Less than a year ago I was working a crap job that I hated, spending the little money I made staying high and/or drunk all the time. I lived 1000 miles away from my son. I had declared bankruptcy, my wife had divorced me. Life pretty much sucked. About 5 months ago, I finally made the decision to not "try to quit" but to do it, at all costs. In that time, I've moved (I'm now only 100 miles away from my son, still not perfect, but I can now visit on weekends), I have a new job making twice what I made before (I could never pass a drug test before, so I stayed stuck in the same crappy job for 4 years), my depression is getting better (I see a theripist and psychitrist to help with this. I still have bad days, but they are getting fewer now that I'm clean) and overall things are looking up.

Pot is my DOC and I gotta tell you there are still many times I'd like to loose myself in a cloud of green smoke and drift away. I just love that feeling. But I look at what I've accomplished and I know that if I did take that hit, smoke that joint, that it would lead to a bag, then another when it was gone, then more and more. Then my job performance would start slipping and eventually I'd probably lose that job, because I've gotta be sharp for it. The money would dry up, my ex would know I was using again (she always does!!) and my time with my son would be restricted, and so on and so on.

I guess my point is, I know things feel bad right now, but drinking is not going to make them better. Yes, it would ease the pain for awhile, but you gotta sober up sometime and then you are just deeper in the hole than you were to start with. You've gotta take baby steps and be proud of yourself when you accomplish them, even if it's just something little.

I've often heard the comment in the "rooms" that "we'll love you until you can learn to love yourself". It's true. There is a lot of love in those rooms and there is a lot of love here. It's still a baby step thing though. To stop hating yourself, you have to give yourself a bit of a break. Wallowing and beating yourself up will get you nowhere. Trust me, I know, no one can possible beat me harder than I beat myself. All it gets you is more depressed. So give yourself a little break. Have some little successes. Learn to at least tolearate yourself, then work on likeing yourself a little.

I can honestly say, I have not reached the point where I "love myself", but I'm starting to at least like myself, and it feels really good. That's how I got to where I am. My life is far from perfect, but it sure is better than it used to be. I try to be satisfied with what I have today, and know if I stay on this course, things will only get better. Sure there will be issues, problems and roadblocks, but I now feel like these things can be overcome.

If it is at all possible, I would recommend seeing a theripist who has a background in addiction. They can help you sort through all of this. They can't do the work for you, but they can help guide you and provide support when you need it. Hang in there. You are worth it!!! Take care.

[caleb76]

Originally Posted by BrianT72278

I have returned to AA. That is one thing that caused my relapse, I got WAY to cocky about my recovery and stopped attending meetings. I won't make that mistake again.

Glad you are back. I will try not to let that happen to me either. I think being humble with yourself is key to recovery.

I was extremely humble, scared and desperate when I walked into the rooms of AA. My sobriety improved drastically when I stopped trying myself and let others help me.

[fragrantrose]

nice to see you back! I have been wondering what happened to you Glenna, just remember you will always be your children' s mum and you will NEVER lose them even if you are physically separated for now. Just keep posting and remember every day is a chance for a new beginning!