Very Worried !

[waterface]

I've been coming on here ages saying i want to be a sober person, but never do. Its becoming embarrasing posting in fact as its another rant about my inability to stop.
I have 3 days off then 4 on, its the most i seem to be able to do.
I wake up each day feeling terrible, but then end up in the pub after work. I only seem not to be able to drink if i stay in bed all day & have a non productive time. No matter what i do, exercise, cook, my work, i always find time for it.
My family worry, i am told i have everything going for me, i love keeping fit & feeling good, but i do this madness to escape!
I have a pain in my side but my liver test comes back normal & my doctor says there's no swelling. I see news on tv of alcoholism being the new heart disease & how its killing young people because of cheap booze here. I see shocking pictures of 24 year old in hospital beds dying because they drank too much.
I feel better when i not drank. I lose weight, i don't look puffy in the face, my pain goes away somewhat, i save money, but i miss the escape!! I tell my counselor!, i miss the escape from my empty lonely life, i miss my anesthetic that i'm scared will kill me. I don't seem to help myself or be able to. I've had cbt, seen so called specialists, doctors etc! But i sit here now looking forward to the time later when i walk to the bar! & it scares me

[yeahgr8]

I did all of what you have posted and ended up crawling into AA begging for help! I have a CBT counselor who did 20 years in resdidential and is very supportive of the 12 step program...he's quite special actually as previous ones would ask stupid questions like 'so do you want to abstain from drinking at the end of our 10 weeks sessions or control it'...i mean c'mon...

I don't feel that awful loneliness, regardless of where i was...with family, friends etc i felt all alone...this is because i meet up wiith people like me now and they are the same as me...hence i'm not alone anymore.

I fought going to AA for years, i thought i was different to everyone else and the exception to any rule...working the steps has opened up a new way of living aand feeling for me.

It's a miracle and it's there when you have had enough:-)

[mumbai78]

Do you really want to stop drinking ? If yes, then you have all the support you need here and more importantly you have the Big Bok which is freely availabale online.

No doctor is going to be able to help until you are READY to get sober. I always "wanted" to get sober but I never did until i realized that deep down what I really wanted was to be able to drink as much as I want without suffering any of the negative emotional and physical consequences. I wished I would be able to drink and not get a hangover, not get into a fight with my family, not be abusive, outrageous and violent. I wanted to be able to get smashed and go to bed and get up the next morning feeling like I never drank at all. I wanted to use drugs to get high when I wanted to, and not have to lie and cheat and steal to score.

I finally decided that I did not want to drink anymore irrespective of whether there were consequences or not.

Read the AA book, try working the steps and try to talk to God - that is most important. Without God or a Higher Power in your life, it may not be easy staying sober.

[smacked]

Well, you should be worried. I hope you are done drinking soon, when you want it bad enough, you can do it, I promise.

[vegibean]

Go to a meeting.

[OceanBound]

Not to hijack the post but I'm in the same situation. How do you MAKE yourself want it? I don't want to go much lower but can't stop.

[joedris]

Ah, once again we ask "How do I want to want to stop?" You can't make yourself want it. But you can expose yourself to the good that comes from recovery, and you get that by associating with people who are recovering. Try going to AA meetings for a while and you may begin to want what those people have. And for God's sake, if you don't like the folks in one meeting, go to another one. Sit back and listen. There's no law that says you have to say anything. And AA isn't the only program out there. Feel free to look around, but start doing something. You've got a disease that's gonna put you into an asylum or an early grave if you don't act on it.

Everyone on this site is already well familiar with the bad stuff that comes being unable to stop drinking. Waterface outlined it very well. We could all just insert our names into that story and it would come pretty close to our own. I didn't want to quit initially, but when I say how much better life could be without booze, it became a no-brainer. And it wasn't the medical community that showed me this, it was a bunch of drunks who were recovering in a program called AA.

[waterface]

I guess associating with like minded people is the score!, i have been to AA before, but i got nothing from it & went to the pub after!! I guess i felt like i'd had an hour or so with people, as in a good feeling & i rewarded myself with , oo' lets go for a beer!

I just feel so lonely in life & drink is all i have that makes me happy! I know all you say is right, i know i'll feel better if i stop in the long run, but i just don't know what to think!

As Joederis says, i know what life can be like without, i know the good i'd feel, the happiness of simple things & the lack of anxiety, but i i get drawn towards it all the time! I so want to be able to say no & have a good life abstinent! Is that a start?, i love my days sober, i get all the agitation & wish i could keep it up, i just fall back so easily! jeez!

[barb dwyer]

waterface & oceanbound -

like CarolD says so eloquently -
you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

a social resource *is* fundamental, IMO...
at least from watching people in the rooms, and who come here for support.

So you have that now in SR, what do you have in 3-D?

SOunds mostly to me like the 'decision' has to be made.

[aqua4017]

For me, there was literally a day when I woke up and everything clicked. I had been wanting to stop drinking for a year, quit for a few days here and there, and despite all the terrible things that happened (ended up in the ER 3 times, lost a boyfriend, many friends, and even more jobs), I kept going back to drinking.

It took my boyfriend finding me passed out in my car and a lovely 3rd trip to the ER for me to realize I had to stop or I would die. And the worst part is, I just turned 24 last week. I realized I was destroying my life and for the first time, my desire to be sober was greater than my desire to drink. There will be a moment for you where you just know you have to stop. I miss the escape a lot, but when I wake up in the mornings without a terrible hangover and remember the night before (and I'm not in the hospital...) it really makes it all worth it to me.

[HideorSeek]

I agree with Aqua (and, for that matter, everyone else), you have to want it and, in my experience, the pain that drinking brought me was ultimately just too great. For years, I knew I "should quit", then for more years, I "had to quit" and then one day, I knew I had no other option but to quit". Early recovery for me started out running from from the horror and the desperate soul-lessness I felt, to runningtoward a fulfilling life. I can't make it happen for you. Only you can do that. Are you happy the way that you are? Do you want to change? How badly? There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to decide to pursue it. I think we alcoholics are addicted to quick fixes and there is no quick fix for this addiction. It is learning that long term gratification is better than short term, IMHO. And it's something I have to practice every day.

[Wolfchild]

scares me too that you would want to take a chance with your life like that knowing the progressive nature of alcoholism. Why would you want to continue inviting something into your life that is cunning, baffling, and powerful which wants to keep you in it's grips until death? i hope you will reconsider the value of your life and do the next right thing.

[waterface]

I think like Hideorseek & Aqua, that one day i will wake & not want to drink & they do happen & i don't, but 1 day i hope that is for good! Like i 'should' quit, then 'have to' & then 'do'!
Also totally agree on quick fixes & the great feeling of sobriety isn't a quick fix.
I will be drinking less tonight as i am doing something tomorrow & want to feel fresh! i can do that. I hate that feeling of looking forward to it more than anything else i look forward to. Like i been at work, i enjoy it, i cycle back, i enjoy that, but they are less than drink of late! Also i need to get outa the habit of having my 3-4 days off then saying, thank god for that & drinking to celebrate, even though i feel good, just miss the buzz before i do!

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by OceanBound

Not to hijack the post but I'm in the same situation. How do you MAKE yourself want it? I don't want to go much lower but can't stop.

I don't know your whole story but have heard on many occasions that the individual benefited from in-patient rehab, they were sober for a period of time and something just clicked.

[Ago]

I would say keep attending meetings until something clicks if you are unable to do an inhouse program like John suggested, worked for me

By the way, waterface, did you have any relatives emigrate here to America, we have many "butterfaces" here, any relation?

[gravity]

My experience:

After my last 60 hour binge, I called the AA hotline, spoke to an AA member at length, started reading the Big Book, & started the steps...all within hours of sobering up. The following day I went to my first meeting.

See, I knew that I needed to stop but I did not know how. I also knew that if I did not act immediately, that drinking obsession would come back quickly.

Alcoholism is progressive. It will take your career, family, friends, & health (mental & physical). This is certain.

I believe it is possible to quit drinking before you hit rock bottom. At the very least, invest the time in reading the Big Book. It describes the problem (I'm sure you will identify with it) and the solution.

Take care.

[Butterfly]

Hey Waterface,

I completely understand the "I drink because I'm lonely" feeling. I'm just four days sober, but went 386 days last year and came to realize I don't drink 'cause I'm lonely, rather, "I'm lonely 'cause I drink!" Many words can be plugged into this formula: sad, anxious, angry, disillusioned... but "drink" is the donkey that pulls the cart when seen through sober eyes.
I'm choosing God's Will over mine, 'cause my will makes me think I can drink again, like it did over seven months ago. I'm happy I have a chance to be back. I just have to keep repeating the words that helped me last time when I even slightly pondered a beer:
"That's the monkey talkin'. And what does the monkey have for me? A First Class ticket back to where I used to be... -The monkey can keep it."

Besides, it's fun feelin' good for no reason at all. That's our natural state. Kids don't "need a beer". As the Zen and Yogi Masters say, "Happiness is our natural state. Just don't pollute it."

Peace & Love,

Butterfly

[waterface]

I've read the big book a billion times over & its done nothing at all!! I even read it when slurping out of a jack daniels bottle. I feel its useless, i just want to drink no matter what my doctor says! Its a good thought not drinking, but if i don't i am bored shitless.

Butterfly i agree totally, the happiness i get when i had 3 days is great,i want that happy state always, like kids have, the lovely constant feeling of being ok, the happy medium & not the terrible up & down of drinking!! so why am i sat here at 9pm, having stopped drinking for today, i've had my drinks & thats that, but i'm thinking & i can't wait to hit the bars tomorrow! then wine & vodka at home after! Its like a ceremony, i drink whilst in watch my tv programmes & cook & then i eat!

I want to not want to drink, but i don't!!

I'm hoping that shock or wake up call comes along soon, as Sailorjohn says, i may need inpatient help & something may click if i'm in a padded cell with a straight jacket! I feel terrible & i know its drink, it goes all against my fitness programme, i want to be healthy & fit, yet i keep drinking, i love it but want to stop, but don't want to stop!!
I want to be thinner, i want to feel fresh & enjoy life, i do enjoy life when i look forward to a drink when i'm sober but i hate life when i look forward to a drink but have said i'm not drinking today!, its like i can't wait until my 3 days off drink are over!!!

[least]

"I'm hoping that shock or wake up call comes along soon"


I hope so too, for your sake. I hope it comes before something really terrible happens that you can't un-do.

[waterface]

Someone i know, not closely has just died of kidney failure. She drank, i'm not sure how heavily. She looked fine & then some time later, i saw her & she looked thing & gaunt & then i heard she died at 33.
I'm hoping this is a step forward in me realising what i need to do.

I've been having days off & the anxiety has been so bad i've given in. Also the feeling of strangeness of not being used to being sober for a period of time.

Lately i've been having blotchy sweaty palms & feeling of skin itching & burning up all the time which is uncomfortable!
The idea of feeling clean & pure is such a good one & i want & not feeling uncomfortable.
I don't want to feel anxious & have to drink to stop the feeling of anxiety, only for it to go round in circles like that.

I think i've always had the 'it won't happen to me' & i'll stop when it gets bad or a bad thing scares me but that maybe too late. In a way i stupidly want someone else to sort it for me!
I've recently met a girl & she don't drink hardly at all & i don't want to be with her feeling **** & anxious! i want to enjoy the simple things & be relaxed & clear with her & not crave that drink to make me feel better.

When i read what i just wrote, i can't believe i drink.

[Pinkcuda]

The delusion that someday everything would be fine and I would somehow enjoy my life in the suburbs with my wife and 2.2 kids kept me drinking. As long as I honestly believed this to be true I could drink all I wanted. I had visions of taking the kids to little league and swimming lessons and even taking the Cocker Spaniel to the groomer. The visions I had were atonishing
The difference between "Denial" and "Delusion is that we honestly believe the delusion. All of the things I had thought would happen didn't and I found myself alone. There was no wife and kids anymore. No house in the burbs, no baseball or little league no dog. There was nothing. The only thing I could call my own was this rediculous delusion that kept me drinking and thinking that things would be OK someday. I still had this fantasy life in my mind. Dammit, the voices kept calling me to them but I couldn't go because the alcohol was holding me back. Only an alcoholic could understand the chains that keep us from freedom and peace. Only after you finally realize what the problem is.
Truth is that you're not going to be fine someday. No this is not a bad dream.
I know this because you're hearing the same voices that we all hear and you're still chained up by the same thing that we were all shackled by.

[juliwuli]

i used to get itchy skin too, and my face used to feel like it was on fire, it had to be alcohol related as since stopping all those scary symptoms have gone, i stopped drinking in time before it killed me, i instictively knew my alcoholic career was coming to an end, and i was going to die soon if i didnt stop drinking, i pray you will stop too, sobriety does take effort but its better than dying of liver failure which is a horrible way to go.

[Pinkcuda]

I've read the big book a billion times over & its done nothing at all!!

Did you miss this part?

The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

When I first went to AA I ended up in a BS meeting and there was no message to be carried, no sponsorship and no members with any valor. They did however hand me a book and told me that my story was in there somewhere. So I read the stories and tried to relate. Some I did, kind of, and some I didn't, kind of. My story was different. So I thought. I just didn't know my story was in the first 164 and not the stories in back. It took the right meeting and the right sponsorship and the right Fellowship before I understood.
So reading books doesn't make it easy, attending meetings doesn't make it easy either. Some golden words will never roll off someones tongue to alleviate your drinking and slinging slogans at each other doesn't work either.
Maybe scare tactics will work. Sorry, you can't scare the phenomonon of craving that the Doctor talks about and you can't reason with it either.
So let's just stare it down. Can't do that either. Alcoholism doesn't blink.
There you have it. You're on your own.
Of course God and a Fellowship of sober friends will always be there in AA when you're ready.

[Asta1]

Waterface: 3 days is not enough time to get through the anxiety feeling. I only have 15 days, and I remember that it took about 5-7 days for me to be feeling good -- like in normal, sober good -- where I could exercise and eat normally. I know it is extremely hard. I credit this website a lot with helping me these past 2 weeks. I read of others experiences, like yours, and it keeps the memories fresh of how I felt the mornings after. Please try and give sobriety a few more days in a row. It might make the difference. In particular, if you are trying to start a great new relationship it might make all the difference in the world. My husband is not an alcoholic but does like his beer. He has stopped completely since I stopped. I really give him a lot of credit. He is one of those people that can drink "normally" but at the present time chooses not to to be supportive of me. If you get serious with this woman, I strongly suggest you be completely open about your issues. I am pretty sure she will react the same as my husband. All the best to you!!

[waterface]

Hi All

I had 4 days last week & am on day 2 this week. I get scared when i see things on tv about things happening & it does inspire me!

I know i drink now less than i did this time last year as my liver test & ultrasound came back bad then & yet now my liver function test has come back ok this time.
I guess when the word 'progressive' is spoke of, it means that in the long term it will get worse!

I am going to try to give it more days in a row!
I hate that when i get to day 4 i do feel better, but need to stop celebrating my days off with a beer & the mindset that 'hey, you can do it, you showed, have a beer'!

Yes, this person in my life i can't feel like the need to drink around! I want to not look forward to going to the pub after we meet!, like its a sordid secret!
Nobody has ever understood my anxiety/drinking issues, they have all come between a relationship, even when i stopped, anxiety messed things up. My ex would never stop drinking for me or have nights off.

Yes Pinkuda, some of that hits home, not all but some!