Outsmarting Alcoholism

[LBW]

I'm so glad I joined this site. I want you all to know how much I really appreciate all the wisdom and information provided to me in response to my threads and others. It's all given me so much to think about. I have been really introspective this last week, thinking in depth about how I got here, what false thinking patterns I've developed over the years of drinking, what new thinking patterns I need to cultivate in order to change my life going forward, etc.

Prior to the recent "incident" where I got drunk, I had gone 3 1/2 months without drinking because of my pregnancy. Prior to that I had maintained a "Saturday's only" drinking schedule for about a year and a half... which I was only able to manage as long as I kept myself busy every weeknight by meeting my running group or going to the gym. (Of course, Saturdays were drunk fests). It was an all consuming constant effort to only drink on the weekends. I had to spend 6 days of non-fun before I could reward myself. I was living for Saturdays. I was actually proud of myself. Ha! I guess it was an improvement from the days of getting bombed every other night...

I had an "ah ha" moment this week during all this introspection in which it was suggested to me that during all this success in suppressing my alcoholism I was actually a DRY DRUNK. I had heard this term before and I had applied it to my Dad when he quit drinking... but I had never thought of myself in this way.

I was a dry drunk because during the times of quitting or not drinking, in my mind, I was only not drinking for a brief time. I have never in my life, before now, entertained the concept of NEVER drinking again. Just that concept has opened up a lot of new emotions I need to deal with.

My sister always refers to her eating disorder as Ed, as if it was a real person. She says “Oh, Ed is really getting on my nerves today…” I always thought that was funny but now I think I understand it.

Now that I’ve decided to never drink again, I hear this panicked voice in my head saying things like “maybe you’re not that bad of an alcoholic and you can just continue to live with it” , “maybe you’re being over dramatic”, “maybe you can just drink every OTHER Saturday and that will fix your problem” … When I walk into a restaurant and I see the people drinking in the bar area, I hear the voice remind me of how fun that is... When I watch football, I hear the voice remind me of all the great times I had drinking beer while watching.... Heck, even when I look at people who I don’t know walking around, that freaking voice ponders that that person probably drinks every weekend.

The breakthrough is that this voice used to be MY voice… but now I’m starting to recognize it’s not me, it’s my disease talking to me. Ha, ha! I think this is so pivotal in defeating it. I figured out that I have been brainwashed by this voice for the last 15 years. It has been talking to me all this time and I have just listened to it without challenging what it was telling me.

When I quit smoking, whenever I looked at someone having a cigarette and I would think how nice it would be to do the same, I would immediately replace that thought with the thought of hacking up brown mucus. I’d tell myself how much I hated the smell too. Now, three years later, you’d think I’d never had a cigarette, I hate them that much. It’s going to be much, much, MUCH harder with alcohol, but I think I can apply the same principle.

You know, whenever, I think about not drinking again, I hear the voice get panicked…. But I actually FEEL relieved. It’s relieving to think I won’t experience waking up in the morning trying to remember what I said and did the night before… and then feeling horribly hung over all day… and full of guilt and shame for days, weeks, or even years afterward because of something I did. It feels like the pressure is off too… trying to control the circumstances and days of my drinking took a lot of energy.

What a chess game I was trying to play, trying to outsmart alcoholism while continuing to drink!! I may be intelligent, but I’m not THAT intelligent. The truth is the only way to win against this opponent is not to play the game. Shut up, voice! I now know that what you have been telling me are lies. I can be happy without alcohol. From now on, I will confront you for the liar you are each time you even attempt to talk to me.

[jimhere]

If it was about being smart, I would have smarted myself sober a long time ago.

If you have the mind of a true alcoholic, you will not be able to learn enough about alcoholism and about yourself as an alcoholic to keep yourself sober. Keeping on guard and being on the lookout for those "triggers" doesn't work. One day, none of that will show up.
Jim

[mirage]

LBW...I'm so happy for you! Sounds like you've really had an epiphany as of late. I really enjoyed reading about it, because it mirrors where I am so much right now. I've just figured all of this out, too. It's a bit scary, but it feels freakin good at the same time. Best of luck to you moving forward! Hope to see a lot of you here!!

[Philly]

Whatever it takes to get rid of the panic. I do believe in an alcoholic voice but most actively drinking people think I am crazy. My husband who is actively drinking I can actually hear him say things that I know is his Alcoholic voice but I only tell myself. Good luck and we have to use whatever works. In my experience the never drinking again was a hard one and last Christmas when I was only about 4 or 5 months sober I was having an extremely hard time. I would cry if I heard Christmas music thinking how I will never be able to enjoy a holiday. To get over it I told myself it was only for one Christmas and maybe next year I would be able to have a glass of wine. Immediately a weight was lifted from me. I can better see things now as I almost 15 months sober and I know it is still pretty early in sobriety I do feel like I will be ok not ever drinking again. It does suck that we are not capable of having a drink but there are so many things worse we really need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves.

By the way did you give the voice a name?

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by LBW

I was actually a DRY DRUNK. I had heard this term before and I had applied it to my Dad when he quit drinking... but I had never thought of myself in this way.

I was a dry drunk because during the times of quitting or not drinking, in my mind, I was only not drinking for a brief time.

FYI, the term 'dry drunk' refers to someone that has been sober or 'dry' for an extended period of time, but still behaves like a practicing alcoholic.

The term may apply to your Dad, but the days you spent between drinking binges could hardly be characterized as sobriety, or being 'dry'.

[CarolD]

I'm really pleased you find SR beneficial.
It's a wonderful supplement to my recovery too.

All my best to you and your loved ones

[Zencat]

What you have found is a lot like the DISARM (Destructive Self-talk Awareness and Refusal Method) tool from SMART Recovery. I found this tool to be of great use in my addiction treatment efforts. Its tools like this and others that help me bring about a deep psychical change in order to recovery from addiction. Keep up the excellent effort.

[least]

The truth is the only way to win against this opponent is not to play the game.


It took me quite a while to learn not to fight alcohol. Alcohol will always win. I had to surrender and stop fighting in order to 'win' over alcohol. congrats to you for understanding this!

[LBW]

PHILLY,

My voice is constantly trying to tell me I won't ever be able to have fun again if I can't drink. It is so clear to me now though that this is an illusion. This kind of thinking is a result of the voice brainwashing me.

The truth is millions of people have fun without drinking. And further more, my voice only reminds me of the great moments. That's part of the brainwashing. Honestly, drinking hasn't been all that much fun these last 7 years... not since college.

Everytime that voice tries to remind me of the happy times, I will remind myself the following: No one drinks as much as me and I make a fool of myself. If I have one beer, I will have 13... at least. I have absolutely zero control. I feel the control leaving my body when I have a drink. I become crazed from the moment I start. That buzz I get is always followed by blackouts, embarrassments, and hangovers.

In other words, I'm going to RE-brainwash myself into hating drinking. I haven't given the voice a name yet. I will have to think about it.


ZENCAT,

Wow! I didn't know there was an actual method for this. I will read more about the DISARM thing. Thank you!


SAILORJOHN,

Yeah, Dry Drunk is my Dad alright. He's been sober for a few months now but he's still in denial about whether he was ever an alcoholic. He still contends that his drinking didn't really affect his life. I guess losing jobs, getting DWI's, losing driving licenses, almost killing himself and others really didn't qualify as affecting his life.

Maybe for me, I need another term. I just know that I was able to quit for periods of time by keeping myself busy or because I was pregnant... I never confronted my alcoholism head on.

[TheMaster]

I know I've had the voice, before.

Last time I started back after 2 months, the voice told me "You haven't changed your eating habits or lost weight, so why not?"

And that was all she wrote for the next year, until now.

[NewMe11109]

LBW - I have found that I now have a lot of fun going to parties, even when everyone else is drinking, and I am only drinking a diet coke. Yes, there are some individuals who I don't go out with anymore because all they want to do is drink (and they now find me pretty boring in their eyes), but I get along fine. So, just a matter of time.

[NEOMARXIST]

It is a weird one ain't it... The equation is sooo simple... It is obvious that not drinking is the obvious solution with all of the plus points stacked unanimously in it's favour. When I think about booze I can't genuinely think of really any good points at all, yet I still have to literally think about never drinking "one day at a time" otherwise I feel like I am overwhelming my mind and I get a strange, weird feeling like somebody has died/mourned or something.

I am an alcoholic so that is why i feel like that... I know there are no good points for me and drinking only pain, suffering, blackouts and chronic craving/addiciton yet if I let my mind wonder out of the day for too long it is amazing how that "voice" can start talking rubbish very quickly. I then quiet it down with the tools i have learned from Sr and AA.

103 days sober and grateful.

There will always be booze and drugs to be taken. I choose to abstain from them "one day at a time"

peace and love

[ElegantlyWasted]

Alcohol is much smarter than I am. I surrendered. By admitting alcohol is smarter I am actually smarter! Humbly on day 83.

[SelfSeeking]

For me, when I was trying to make it through a week without drinking, I was "white knuckling". Didn't take too long of doing that before it totally knocked me to my knees. Yeuch, what a way to (not) live...

[pennylane2009]

I hear you, LBW. I went for a few weeks sober, and then started thinking, "Hey, maybe I'm not an alcoholic. Maybe I should start drinking again ..." I didn't listen, and am so happy about that.

I think "one day at a time" is a way of outsmarting the alcoholism (Hey, how about calling it Al instead of Ed?) ... You can quiet that voice by telling it, "OK, I'll give in on the drinking, but not until tomorrow. Today I stay sober, and tomorrow we'll get hammered." And keep saying that, waking up every morning promising to stay sober until tomorrow. Eventually the feelings will pass.

During this time of sobriety, try to figure out what triggered you to drink. Were you stuffing down emotions? Is there something in life you need to deal with? I like going to AA meetings to listen to how people are dealing with life, but I wouldn't say I'm an AA convert. I'm not doing the steps, just going to meetings and chatting with other drunks. It helps.

[chrisinaustin]

For me, white knuckling it and one day at a time were synonymous.

[joedris]

I don't particularly like the term "dry drunk" as it's often used in a disparaging way. Usually it's used to describe a person who is "merely" abstaining from alcohol - one who is physically sober. I personally applaud people who can do this. However, recovery involves another, equally important factor, that of emotional sobriety. When we see people who act alcoholically but aren't drinking, they haven't attained emotional sobriety. As Neo said, emotional sobriety involves tools learned in AA, SR, or some other program of recovery. I suggest you try AA for a while. It's an excellent program that will teach you how to attain that emotional sobriety.

[dsc]

My sister always refers to her eating disorder as Ed, as if it was a real person.

I've got the perfect name for a drinking disorder..

RALPH

[NewBeginning010]

What a fantastic post LBW so happy you are doing well. Let us know when you come up with a name for this demon. I may come up with one as well.

I love your writing style Keep growing posting & sharing.

Take Care,

NB

[NewBeginning010]

Originally Posted by dsc

I've got the perfect name for a drinking disorder..

RALPH

I am glad I wasn't having a drink (non alcoholic of course ;-) while reading this as I would be looking for a new laptop due to water damage.

[Gypsy Feet]

Haha!! Ralph=). I always pictured my drinking voice as the little shoulder devil. Once I recognized what he was, and the "sound" of his voice, I learned to laugh at all of the goofball things he told me to get me to take a drink. Oddly enough, this pissed the little guy off enough he would disappear, for longer stretches each time.

[pennylane2009]

Ralph! LOL! That's awesome.

[TheMaster]

Originally Posted by joedris

I don't particularly like the term "dry drunk" as it's often used in a disparaging way. Usually it's used to describe a person who is "merely" abstaining from alcohol - one who is physically sober. I personally applaud people who can do this. However, recovery involves another, equally important factor, that of emotional sobriety. When we see people who act alcoholically but aren't drinking, they haven't attained emotional sobriety. As Neo said, emotional sobriety involves tools learned in AA, SR, or some other program of recovery. I suggest you try AA for a while. It's an excellent program that will teach you how to attain that emotional sobriety.

How do you "act alcoholically" without drinking?

[chrisinaustin]

Originally Posted by TheMaster

How do you "act alcoholically" without drinking?

For me, in a nutshell, I'm totally self-centered and think about nothing but myself.

[LBW]

Ralph is PERFECT!!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!