Advise... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

bugsworth · 10-15-2009, 02:35 PM

I just found out that my eldest brother Billy died. I am one of 12 siblings...all whom were put in foster care. Every so often I google my natural last name...This last google led me to his obit...he was 46 and died of aids...he didn't stand a chance. I was placed in foster care at the age of 2, both my parents were alcoholics. Billy, Rick and I all went to the same home until my natural mother got back custody of my brothers...somehow I was able to stay. I always thought I had time to reconnect...I am 42 now an realize that time is not on my side. In Billy's obit I see he has a child the same age as my daughter...only 2 months apart. My foster Mother has pictures of us all at Christmas...a time when we were just kids...there is a part of me that wants to send his wife copies of the photos...a time that his daughter can see that her Dad was young, loved and not an addict. I am scared to do so as it may lead to relationships that I may not be equipped to handle. Any suggestions? My heart is hurting...for Billy and for his daughter.

Jomey · 10-15-2009, 02:41 PM

Bugs, I am so very sorry for your loss. My suggestion would be to pray, meditate, or simply let some time pass before you make any decision regarding opening up to possible new relationships. Give yourself some time to breathe and to grieve for Billy before you do anything else. You and Billy and your entire family will be in my prayers tonight. Love, Jomey

bugsworth · 10-15-2009, 02:55 PM

Thank you Jomey....I am lost...I have prayed for years for my natural family...I have grieved for the family I don't know...this has hit me like a ton of bricks...my niece whom I don't know needs to know that her father was a good kid...he loved me and I loved him.

Rowan · 10-15-2009, 03:42 PM

Bugs I'm so sorry for your loss.

**Dee74** · 10-15-2009, 04:07 PM

I'm very sorry to hear this too Bugs

I can;t say what I'd do here - I think Jomeys advice is excellent - but knowing you as I do, I think you've already pretty made up your mind what is the right thing to do, and I'd trust your judgement.

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you

take care
D

Latte · 10-15-2009, 04:17 PM

I know that in my recovery connecting with my birthmother who gave me up when I was two was a big part of things coming full circle. I make sure that the relationship with her is on my terms and that works for us.

She gave me up because she was young and couldn't provide for me by herself and her family was not stable at all. I thank her every day.

I hope you find a balance that works for you, spiritually and emotionally.

NewBeginning010 · 10-15-2009, 04:21 PM

So sorry to hear of your loss bugsworth

Follow your heart.

joedris · 10-15-2009, 05:10 PM

Bugs, Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Such things are hard to get over. It takes a long time, but be assured our prayers are with you and your niece.

In your thread you didn't mention if Billy was an active addict when he died, whether your niece's mother is part of her life or how old you niece is. These things would make a difference in your decision. But in any event, back off for a few days before making any decisions.

If the mother is involved, you may want to touch base with her to see if the pictures would be welcomed. If there's a guardian, then the same thing applies. However, if your niece is out on her own you may want to contact people who know her (use the obit here) and find out the relatioinship your brother and niece had. By doing all this you'll get a better feel for the reception your pictures may get.

And I wouldn't sweat getting yourself into a that you couldn't handle. In this situation you have total control over your involvement. Also look at yourself as a compassionate, caring aunt who's trying to brighten up a young lady's life. If your offer is rejected then hold on to the pictures. Someday they may be sought after.

Bamboozle · 10-15-2009, 05:44 PM

(((bugs)))

Pretty much what D and joedris said, but for what it's worth...

Relationships form over time...it's something you can manage along the way. You're a very reasonable person. Whatever you decide to do, please take care of yourself.

**CarolD** · 10-15-2009, 05:48 PM

What a sad shock that was for you.....Mega

I'm sorry Prayers for you and Billy's family.

Give yourself time to greive.
Then make a decision about the contact/pictures.

Mark75 · 10-15-2009, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarolD

Give yourself time to greive.
Then make a decision about the contact/pictures.

So sorry to hear your news. That must really hurt in places you don't go too often....

I was going to say what Carol said, so I just quoted her. You have plenty of time to reach out to your niece. Let God guide you. You'll know when it's time.

Mark

coffeenut · 10-15-2009, 09:18 PM

My condolences, Bugs. I agree with Carol, too. Give yourself (and your brothers family) a little time....and then see how you feel.

Take care.

bugsworth · 10-16-2009, 05:08 AM

Thank you all for the condolences and the prayers.
Joe...I don't know the details of Billy's life as I have had no contact with him since my early teens. He was a very angry young man when I last spoke to him and very angry at me for not wanting any contact with our natural parents. I did have some contact with my brother Ricky but I have not spoken with him in over 18 years. Billy's daughter according to the obit is 11 and appears to live with her mother. Unfortunately she resides in the same town as my natural mother and I do not wish to have any contact with her. I suppose I will have to take some time to decide if I will take any action.
It is so sad to realize how addiction effects generation after generation.
Again thanks for the consideration and thoughtful replies.

10-15-2009, 02:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
bugsworth Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,925	Advise... I just found out that my eldest brother Billy died. I am one of 12 siblings...all whom were put in foster care. Every so often I google my natural last name...This last google led me to his obit...he was 46 and died of aids...he didn't stand a chance. I was placed in foster care at the age of 2, both my parents were alcoholics. Billy, Rick and I all went to the same home until my natural mother got back custody of my brothers...somehow I was able to stay. I always thought I had time to reconnect...I am 42 now an realize that time is not on my side. In Billy's obit I see he has a child the same age as my daughter...only 2 months apart. My foster Mother has pictures of us all at Christmas...a time when we were just kids...there is a part of me that wants to send his wife copies of the photos...a time that his daughter can see that her Dad was young, loved and not an addict. I am scared to do so as it may lead to relationships that I may not be equipped to handle. Any suggestions? My heart is hurting...for Billy and for his daughter.

10-15-2009, 02:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
Jomey Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Hicktown, PA Posts: 1,440	Bugs, I am so very sorry for your loss. My suggestion would be to pray, meditate, or simply let some time pass before you make any decision regarding opening up to possible new relationships. Give yourself some time to breathe and to grieve for Billy before you do anything else. You and Billy and your entire family will be in my prayers tonight. Love, Jomey __________________ Joy is a net of love by which we catch souls. - Mother Teresa

10-15-2009, 04:07 PM	#5 (permalink)
Dee74 SR Moderator Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Seas Posts: 42,464	I'm very sorry to hear this too Bugs I can;t say what I'd do here - I think Jomeys advice is excellent - but knowing you as I do, I think you've already pretty made up your mind what is the right thing to do, and I'd trust your judgement. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you take care D __________________ “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be”Lao Tzu

10-15-2009, 04:17 PM	#6 (permalink)
Latte I love my Coastie and 44 MLB's Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Coos Bay, OR Posts: 2,095	I know that in my recovery connecting with my birthmother who gave me up when I was two was a big part of things coming full circle. I make sure that the relationship with her is on my terms and that works for us. She gave me up because she was young and couldn't provide for me by herself and her family was not stable at all. I thank her every day. I hope you find a balance that works for you, spiritually and emotionally. __________________ I am so thankful for my sobriety Dios me da la Sernidad Para acceptar las cosas que no puedo cambiar La fuerza para cambiar las que si puedo y la Sabidura para reconocer la diferencia

10-15-2009, 04:21 PM	#7 (permalink)
NewBeginning010 Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1,932	So sorry to hear of your loss bugsworth Follow your heart. __________________ "Today is the first day of the rest of your life"

10-15-2009, 02:55 PM	#3 (permalink)
bugsworth Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,925	Thank you Jomey....I am lost...I have prayed for years for my natural family...I have grieved for the family I don't know...this has hit me like a ton of bricks...my niece whom I don't know needs to know that her father was a good kid...he loved me and I loved him.

10-15-2009, 03:42 PM	#4 (permalink)
Rowan Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 12,138	Bugs I'm so sorry for your loss.

10-15-2009, 05:10 PM	#8 (permalink)
joedris Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Virginia Posts: 818	Bugs, Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Such things are hard to get over. It takes a long time, but be assured our prayers are with you and your niece. In your thread you didn't mention if Billy was an active addict when he died, whether your niece's mother is part of her life or how old you niece is. These things would make a difference in your decision. But in any event, back off for a few days before making any decisions. If the mother is involved, you may want to touch base with her to see if the pictures would be welcomed. If there's a guardian, then the same thing applies. However, if your niece is out on her own you may want to contact people who know her (use the obit here) and find out the relatioinship your brother and niece had. By doing all this you'll get a better feel for the reception your pictures may get. And I wouldn't sweat getting yourself into a that you couldn't handle. In this situation you have total control over your involvement. Also look at yourself as a compassionate, caring aunt who's trying to brighten up a young lady's life. If your offer is rejected then hold on to the pictures. Someday they may be sought after. __________________ God, Please set aside all I think I know about myself, my disease, the Big Book, the 12 Steps, the Program, the people in the fellowship, spiritual terms, and especially about you God so I may have an open mind and a new experience with these things. Amen

10-15-2009, 05:44 PM	#9 (permalink)
Bamboozle I got nothin' Duck Hunt 2 Champion! Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: My house. Posts: 4,776 Blog Entries: 14	(((bugs))) Pretty much what D and joedris said, but for what it's worth... Relationships form over time...it's something you can manage along the way. You're a very reasonable person. Whatever you decide to do, please take care of yourself. __________________ A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

10-15-2009, 05:48 PM	#10 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Serene In Dixie Posts: 34,835	What a sad shock that was for you.....Mega I'm sorry Prayers for you and Billy's family. Give yourself time to greive. Then make a decision about the contact/pictures. __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!

10-15-2009, 09:18 PM	#12 (permalink)
coffeenut 6/20/08 Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 4,063	My condolences, Bugs. I agree with Carol, too. Give yourself (and your brothers family) a little time....and then see how you feel. Take care. __________________ Standing at the starting line, we're all cowards. Alberto Salazar

10-16-2009, 05:08 AM	#13 (permalink)
bugsworth Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,925	Thank you all for the condolences and the prayers. Joe...I don't know the details of Billy's life as I have had no contact with him since my early teens. He was a very angry young man when I last spoke to him and very angry at me for not wanting any contact with our natural parents. I did have some contact with my brother Ricky but I have not spoken with him in over 18 years. Billy's daughter according to the obit is 11 and appears to live with her mother. Unfortunately she resides in the same town as my natural mother and I do not wish to have any contact with her. I suppose I will have to take some time to decide if I will take any action. It is so sad to realize how addiction effects generation after generation. Again thanks for the consideration and thoughtful replies.

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