Thoughts...

[debs]

October 7-10, 2009

I’m bored.

I don’t have a job or anything really to stop me from drinking.

Maybe I’m not really an alcoholic. I’m making a big deal about nothing. I’m missing out on the simple pleasures in life by being over dramatic.

I’ll just go and get a liter this time… I’ll measure out how strong I make the drinks. I’ll make it last for a week at least.

I’ll only have it at night- I won’t wake up in the mornings and drink more to rid of the hangover. I’ll not drink enough to create a hangover.

I can do it this time. I’ll prove myself wrong.

What the **** am I doing?

WHY am I driving to the liquor store?

Silent tears.

I have already decided that I’m going to drink.

There is nothing I can do to stop it now. I’m going.

I better call and see if I have money left on my card……. Only 2 dollars.

****................!

Thank God.

God prevented me from making that stupid decision.

Thank God.

…

I’ve gotta figure out a way to get a few dollars …

I just want to relax and enjoy myself.

10 dollars. Smokes, a pint…

I may as well go ahead and buy the liter. It’s only a couple dollars more. I can get the money out of my son’s piggy bank and then return the money- even more money than I took … when some money comes in.

I gotta make the drive worth it, right?

What have I become...

What are you DOING in here???? The smell is horrid. Everyone is staring at you. They all know. Don’t make eye contact.

Get out as quickly as possible.

Smoke, smoke, smoke…

Blast the radio, roll the window down… don’t allow the thoughts to make you feel bad.

ENJOY it while it lasts, because it’s gonna hurt bad later.

There it is. Sitting in front of me. Half vodka, half energy drink.

It smells horrible.

It sits there for a few minutes staring at me.

What are you DOING? DRINK it! ENJOY IT!

That tastes terrible. My tummy hurts. Where is that high?

I must drink more.

The glass is empty.

Again, half vodka half juice. Apple juice this time because it’s all I have. This tastes absolutely horrible.

But I’m feeling happy. I’m relaxing. I’m laughing and loving it.

Oh no I have to pick up my son.

‘Dad can you….. I’m not feeling well. I’m afraid I may have the flu…..’

Why is my son not with me?

What time is it?

What day is it?

How can I hide it? I’m not sick with bronchitis and the flu at home.

I’m just running out of vodka.

I have no money.

I miss my baby.

How many days have passed?

I’m shaky.

Why.

WHY.

I have to admit it. I can’t stand it anymore.

He’s not angry. He’s hurt.

He’s terrified for my health.

The shame is almost unbearable.

He only wants me to heal.

Why won’t he just be MAD at me? Why?

I feel so awful. I just want to comfort him and know that he believes me when I say I’m done this time for real....

[littlebluedog]

:praying

[littlebluedog]

There is a way to make this insanity stop. You've just got to do it Deb. You have to want to quit more than you want to drink. Hang in there.

[Astro]

Done yet, debs? We don't shoot our wounded, and there's always a warm seat waiting for you if you have the desire. You know these things. I'm praying that you'll reach out and grab ahold.

[crispringles]

debs - my thoughts and prayers going out to you through this.

[CarolD]

Praying for your healing and clarity of mind

[socialismislost]

The disease is horrible debs. I can relate. Addiction, given enough time, will do us all in. For now, fight it the best you can.

[socialismislost]

" You have to want to quit more than you want to drink. "

This is excellent. Just for now, this is the best way to put it.

[tiburon88]

Sounds like a detox and/or rehab at this point. Lets get real it';s come to this point. It;s not a big deal though.

tiburon

[Dee74]

I'm sorry Deb. But thank you for that post - it put me right back there.
I wouldn't wish that on an enemy - I certainly don't wish it on you.

I hope...really hope...you find it in you to make this the last time.
Whatever you need to do, it won't be as bad as what you're going through now.

You deserve better and so does your little boy.
take care, Debs
D

[TheSunAlsoRises]

Wow Debs that takes me back. The demon screaming in my ear. The angel seems like he had left a long time ago. You will be in my prayers. Please reach out. You can do this...

Clayton

[Faerie]

Debs,

Will say a special prayer to the Goddess for you tonight Babe.

You can do this, you are not alone, we all love you and are here for you.

So Much Love,

Faerie xx

[tiburon88]

Deb, I really feel u pain. I wish I had an easy answer but I don't. Go to AA, go to rehab ect.. None of it has ever helped me . Sorry for the discourgement.


tiburon

[Lionne]

Oh Debs, this takes me back to a time not soo long ago. You sound very desperate and at this point you also sound like you cannot do this without help. Emotionally and physically. And you know it:

Originally Posted by debs

Every time I 'stop' I'm further down the progressive, relentless, agony that is alcoholism.

It never gets easier. Each time it gets worse.

I wish you all the strenght and courage and the clarity to hang on in there and make it stop for good this time. Take care,
S

[yeahgr8]

Wow that is a great post, thanks! Hope you have written it down on paper, you want to make sure you keep that...i hope you are lucky and a big enough consequence happens to force you to make a decision soon...you will have kept a few sober for today by what you have written!

[Sikkisirus]

We're all pulling for you Debs, you CAN do this. Nobody promised it would be easy but as has been said, you've got to want it more than you want to drink. Best wishes

[debs]

Thanks so much for your sweet replies- and for those that pm'd me. Means a helluva lot to me. I'm really sorry that I'm starting to (actually have been for awhile now) sound like a broken record.

But then I guess yall 'get it'...

It's why I'm so grateful for SR and other alcoholics.

They truly understand...

Ya know, it's funny... my brother and sister in law and I were talking openly about my alcoholism (which I instigated), and they were very honest with me in saying, 'We don't understand it. But we're TRYING to. We're praying for you, and we want you to never ever feel like you can't tell us anything.'

That was profoundly beneficial to me- they really DO care.

But NOTHING outweighs the strength you can gain from a person who truly DOES understand.... a person who is also an alcoholic.

So thank you- each and every one of you.

[OceanBound]

Thank you for this post, debs. It's very powerful. I'm trying to come out of my relapse now and it's been rough for the past 2 months. I just hope I'll get to pick my bottom and it's already in the past.


Ocean

[Mark75]

Originally Posted by debs

But NOTHING outweighs the strength you can gain from a person who truly DOES understand.... a person who is also an alcoholic.

So get yourself around some!!

You know where you can find them.... If not AA, there may be some other recovery group in your area...

Hang in there... I am hopeful for you, you are starting to sound like you've had enough. You are still willing to reach out and you express yourself well. I honestly think you can do it....

Prayers to you...

Mark

[trapeze]

There's a better life out there, waiting for you to claim it. You can do it.

Prayers going up for you.

[thisisme]

Your post haunted me.
I wish you the power to find a better sober life. I hope you find the key to your prison. It's inside you and the eyes of your son.

[flutter]

I remember every moment of the hell you just described. I never thought of that "next" trip to the liquor store.. the next drunk.. what it could bring. Just once more.. until I almost killed myself, other people, almost lost my job and my husband in ONE day. Almost.. next time? yep.. I'm sure of it.

You can get out of this, you know you can.. you have for moments long enough to know how good it feels, I remember.

Please get help debs.. anything different than what you've done before.

[gravity]

Originally Posted by debs

Ya know, it's funny... my brother and sister in law and I were talking openly about my alcoholism (which I instigated), and they were very honest with me in saying, 'We don't understand it. But we're TRYING to. We're praying for you, and we want you to never ever feel like you can't tell us anything.'

That was profoundly beneficial to me- they really DO care.

But NOTHING outweighs the strength you can gain from a person who truly DOES understand.... a person who is also an alcoholic.

I've been sober for almost 22 months and no doubt I would not have made it this far without AA (sponsor, 12 steps, meetings). But the support of my dear sister (not an alcoholic) has been invaluable.

Yes, even though we are alcoholics & have made some bad choices we are still loved. And we are all imperfect human beings. Everyone has their challenges.

Ask your brother & sister-in-law to read "The Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book. It may help them understand what you are dealing with.

Best wishes.

[towhere]

I just want to take a second to say thank you debs for your post. You speak the truth. I found this place some time ago, I believe when you first posted, and have followed your journey since. You have been an inspiration and I admire your honesty and hope you continue on the right path... you seem strong. Thanks for sharing so much, and many well wishes to you.. I believe you'll make it. You've given me hope and understanding, even if you don't realize it... stay strong.

[debs]

Originally Posted by towhere

I just want to take a second to say thank you debs for your post. You speak the truth. I found this place some time ago, I believe when you first posted, and have followed your journey since. You have been an inspiration and I admire your honesty and hope you continue on the right path... you seem strong. Thanks for sharing so much, and many well wishes to you.. I believe you'll make it. You've given me hope and understanding, even if you don't realize it... stay strong.

Thank you, towhere. That was precious.