 |
|---|
 |
 |
 |
| | |
|
|
| |||||||
 |
| | LinkBack | Thread Tools | Display Modes |
10-13-2009, 09:22 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Tyler, TX
Posts: 193
| Thoughts... October 7-10, 2009 I’m bored. I don’t have a job or anything really to stop me from drinking. Maybe I’m not really an alcoholic. I’m making a big deal about nothing. I’m missing out on the simple pleasures in life by being over dramatic. I’ll just go and get a liter this time… I’ll measure out how strong I make the drinks. I’ll make it last for a week at least. I’ll only have it at night- I won’t wake up in the mornings and drink more to rid of the hangover. I’ll not drink enough to create a hangover. I can do it this time. I’ll prove myself wrong. What the **** am I doing? WHY am I driving to the liquor store? Silent tears. I have already decided that I’m going to drink. There is nothing I can do to stop it now. I’m going. I better call and see if I have money left on my card……. Only 2 dollars. ****................! Thank God. God prevented me from making that stupid decision. Thank God. … I’ve gotta figure out a way to get a few dollars … I just want to relax and enjoy myself. 10 dollars. Smokes, a pint… I may as well go ahead and buy the liter. It’s only a couple dollars more. I can get the money out of my son’s piggy bank and then return the money- even more money than I took … when some money comes in. I gotta make the drive worth it, right? What have I become... What are you DOING in here???? The smell is horrid. Everyone is staring at you. They all know. Don’t make eye contact. Get out as quickly as possible. Smoke, smoke, smoke… Blast the radio, roll the window down… don’t allow the thoughts to make you feel bad. ENJOY it while it lasts, because it’s gonna hurt bad later. There it is. Sitting in front of me. Half vodka, half energy drink. It smells horrible. It sits there for a few minutes staring at me. What are you DOING? DRINK it! ENJOY IT! That tastes terrible. My tummy hurts. Where is that high? I must drink more. The glass is empty. Again, half vodka half juice. Apple juice this time because it’s all I have. This tastes absolutely horrible. But I’m feeling happy. I’m relaxing. I’m laughing and loving it. Oh no I have to pick up my son. ‘Dad can you….. I’m not feeling well. I’m afraid I may have the flu…..’ Why is my son not with me? What time is it? What day is it? How can I hide it? I’m not sick with bronchitis and the flu at home. I’m just running out of vodka. I have no money. I miss my baby. How many days have passed? I’m shaky. Why. WHY. I have to admit it. I can’t stand it anymore. He’s not angry. He’s hurt. He’s terrified for my health. The shame is almost unbearable. He only wants me to heal. Why won’t he just be MAD at me? Why? I feel so awful. I just want to comfort him and know that he believes me when I say I’m done this time for real.... 
__________________ Success is within reach |
|      |
| The Following 16 Users Say Thank You to debs For This Useful Post: | Astro (10-14-2009), chrisinaustin (10-14-2009), Dee74 (10-14-2009), Faerie (10-14-2009), findingout (10-14-2009), flutter (10-14-2009), HideorSeek (10-14-2009), Jewels83 (10-16-2009), LBW (10-14-2009), least (10-14-2009), mariechi (10-15-2009), OceanBound (10-14-2009), SilentEyes (10-14-2009), tiburon88 (10-14-2009), tjp613 (10-15-2009), yeahgr8 (10-14-2009) |
|
10-13-2009, 09:46 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Humble Door Greeter  Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Scottsdale, AZ, two families in a big new home!
Posts: 9,286
|
Done yet, debs? We don't shoot our wounded, and there's always a warm seat waiting for you if you have the desire. You know these things. I'm praying that you'll reach out and grab ahold.
__________________ "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming---*WOW-What a ride*!" |
| |
|
10-14-2009, 12:19 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Forum Leader  Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Seas
Posts: 14,672
|
I'm sorry Deb. But thank you for that post - it put me right back there. I wouldn't wish that on an enemy - I certainly don't wish it on you. I hope...really hope...you find it in you to make this the last time. Whatever you need to do, it won't be as bad as what you're going through now. You deserve better and so does your little boy. take care, Debs D
__________________ May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. |
|
| |
|
10-14-2009, 12:37 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Singapore
Posts: 319
|
Wow Debs that takes me back. The demon screaming in my ear. The angel seems like he had left a long time ago. You will be in my prayers. Please reach out. You can do this... Clayton
__________________ May 25th 2009 The day when I finally got to step 0--This Crap has got to stop "There are many paths to God my son, I hope yours will not be too difficult." - Ben Her |
|
| |
|
10-14-2009, 02:20 AM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Faerie  Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: South Australia
Posts: 383
|
Debs, Will say a special prayer to the Goddess for you tonight Babe. You can do this, you are not alone, we all love you and are here for you. So Much Love, Faerie xx
__________________ The Faerie with Torn Wings |
|
| |
|
10-14-2009, 02:49 AM
| #14 (permalink) | |
| gimme danger  Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: in the crowd
Posts: 45
|
Oh Debs, this takes me back to a time not soo long ago. You sound very desperate and at this point you also sound like you cannot do this without help. Emotionally and physically. And you know it: Quote:
S | |
|
| |
|
10-14-2009, 03:08 AM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Member  |
Wow that is a great post, thanks! Hope you have written it down on paper, you want to make sure you keep that...i hope you are lucky and a big enough consequence happens to force you to make a decision soon...you will have kept a few sober for today by what you have written!
__________________ An alcoholic and compulsive gambler working a program of recovery |
|
| |
|
10-14-2009, 03:30 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Rockstar  |
We're all pulling for you Debs, you CAN do this. Nobody promised it would be easy but as has been said, you've got to want it more than you want to drink. Best wishes 
__________________ Standing in a church makes you no more of a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. The past is a strange place. They do things differently there. |
|
| |
|
10-14-2009, 06:11 AM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Tyler, TX
Posts: 193
|
Thanks so much for your sweet replies- and for those that pm'd me. Means a helluva lot to me. I'm really sorry that I'm starting to (actually have been for awhile now) sound like a broken record. But then I guess yall 'get it'... It's why I'm so grateful for SR and other alcoholics. They truly understand... Ya know, it's funny... my brother and sister in law and I were talking openly about my alcoholism (which I instigated), and they were very honest with me in saying, 'We don't understand it. But we're TRYING to. We're praying for you, and we want you to never ever feel like you can't tell us anything.' That was profoundly beneficial to me- they really DO care. But NOTHING outweighs the strength you can gain from a person who truly DOES understand.... a person who is also an alcoholic. So thank you- each and every one of you.
__________________ Success is within reach |
|
| |
| The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to debs For This Useful Post: |
|
10-14-2009, 06:23 AM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Looking for myself sober  Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: far away from the ocean
Posts: 362
|
Thank you for this post, debs. It's very powerful. I'm trying to come out of my relapse now and it's been rough for the past 2 months. I just hope I'll get to pick my bottom and it's already in the past.  Ocean
__________________ "You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche |
|
| |
|
10-14-2009, 07:01 AM
| #19 (permalink) | |
| September 14, 2008  Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: East of Eden
Posts: 2,304
| Quote:
You know where you can find them.... If not AA, there may be some other recovery group in your area... Hang in there... I am hopeful for you, you are starting to sound like you've had enough. You are still willing to reach out and you express yourself well. I honestly think you can do it.... Prayers to you... Mark
__________________ My drinkin' days are over. No more nights in the carousel. My buddies say they're gonna miss me, but they can go to hell. I never knew what time it was until closing time came 'round My drinkin' days are over but I'm still trouble bound. Slaid Cleaves | |
|
| |
|
10-14-2009, 07:20 AM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Year 4...  Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Canada
Posts: 114
|
Your post haunted me. I wish you the power to find a better sober life. I hope you find the key to your prison. It's inside you and the eyes of your son.
__________________ All of my devils are free at last. All my secrets revealed. All I need is to heal. Hope lives, always! Quit alcohol June 2, 2006 Quit Cigs Nov 2, 2007 |
|
| |
|
10-14-2009, 10:51 AM
| #22 (permalink) |
| December 18, 2008  Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 1,576
|
I remember every moment of the hell you just described. I never thought of that "next" trip to the liquor store.. the next drunk.. what it could bring. Just once more.. until I almost killed myself, other people, almost lost my job and my husband in ONE day. Almost.. next time? yep.. I'm sure of it. You can get out of this, you know you can.. you have for moments long enough to know how good it feels, I remember. Please get help debs.. anything different than what you've done before. |
|
| |
|
10-14-2009, 01:20 PM
| #23 (permalink) | |
| where the light is  Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,408
| Quote:
Yes, even though we are alcoholics & have made some bad choices we are still loved. And we are all imperfect human beings. Everyone has their challenges. Ask your brother & sister-in-law to read "The Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book. It may help them understand what you are dealing with. Best wishes.
__________________ Chase the light I see ahead, Luminate the path I tread, I live to be the best I can. - Queensryche Last edited by gravity; 10-14-2009 at 01:39 PM. | |
|
| |
| The Following User Says Thank You to gravity For This Useful Post: | Astro (10-15-2009) |
|
10-15-2009, 12:01 AM
| #24 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: S. TX
Posts: 7
|
I just want to take a second to say thank you debs for your post. You speak the truth. I found this place some time ago, I believe when you first posted, and have followed your journey since. You have been an inspiration and I admire your honesty and hope you continue on the right path... you seem strong. Thanks for sharing so much, and many well wishes to you.. I believe you'll make it. You've given me hope and understanding, even if you don't realize it... stay strong.
|
|
| |
|
10-15-2009, 08:22 AM
| #25 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Tyler, TX
Posts: 193
| Quote:
__________________ Success is within reach | |
|
| |
|
| Bookmarks |
| Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | |
| |
| |
© 2007 SoberRecovery, LLC. |
The SoberRecovery Forums are operated under a grant from The Mulligan Group
Classic Frogger Champion!
Linear Mode
