this freaked me out...

[FindMyselfSober]

So, last night I was talking to my boyfriend and I was telling him about how I was finally trying to quit drinking and confessing how bad I had been. He is the one who gave me the kick in the butt I needed last week by calling me out on my constant drinking. So, imagine my shock when he said to me that I just needed to get it under control, it's all mental and that he would help me with my will power.
I said to him, "I'm an alcoholic, don't you get it?" And he responds, "I am too. But, it's all mental. I want to drink every day. But, I don't. I drink once or twice a week because I have responsibilities. You do too so that's what I will help you with."

I was just like OMG, this is a guy who supposedly cared about me enough to make me stop drinking and now it appears like he is threatened by me stopping drinking???? Is that what it looks like? Or does he honestly not realize how bad I am?

[RMM897]

It took my mother a long time to accept that I suffer from alcoholism. Yeah, sure she could tick off a list of times where she was "concerned" over my drinking. At first, she would tell me just to learn to moderate, and I would, as some alcoholics can do...for a period of time. She would run with those periods of time as evidence that I was NOT an alcoholic, just like my own mind convinced me.

Enough expirimenting on my part convinced her finally, as well as myself.

Today,she'll say that I have a problem with alcohol and should never ever drink, but she still will NOT say "alcoholism" or "alcoholic".

[CarolD]

Heck....maybe he is afraid you will want him to quit too?
That he wants to control when you drink and when you don't?
I

[chrisinaustin]

It doesn't matter what he thinks. Period. It doesn't matter what his conceptualization is, in terms of alcohol or anything else, of himself or you. That may sound harsh or unrealistic, but it is one of the powerful concepts you can grasp onto and actively live in terms of getting and being sober.

[keithj]

He may be threatened, or it may just be a misunderstanding of the nature of alcoholism. AA's Big Book frames this as a "world of ignorance and misunderstanding." It's not ill-intended, just naiive. It's why some AAers feel it's very important to distinguish between the hard drinker and the real alcoholic.

I've literally seen alcoholics carry that notion of 'I can beat this by willpower' right to the grave.

What do you think, Find? Are you just a weak-willed loser who isn't trying hard enough to stay sober, or do you think there something more complex going on? I think it's not only complex, but cunning baffling and powerful. Many who have really sincerely tried to quit and been unable have reached the same conclusion. I couldn't do it on will. I couldn't do it on self-knowledge. And I couldn't do it on fear.

Strange enough, when I knew deep in my being that I couldn't do it, that's when I started to recover. Surrender is common theme around these parts.

"How many time people have said to us: "I can take it or leave it alone. Why can't he?" "Why don't you drink like a gentleman or quit?" "That fellow can't handle his liquor." "Why don't you try beer and wine?" "Lay off the hard stuff." "His will power must be weak." "He could stop if he wanted to." "She's such a sweet girl, I should think he'd stop for her sake." "The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again."

Now these are commonplace observations on drinkers which we hear all the time. Back of them is a world of ignorance and misunderstanding. We see that these expressions refer to people whose reactions are very different from ours."
--AA Big Book, Ch.2, 1st Ed.

[flutter]

Originally Posted by FindMyselfSober

So, last night I was talking to my boyfriend and I was telling him about how I was finally trying to quit drinking and confessing how bad I had been. He is the one who gave me the kick in the butt I needed last week by calling me out on my constant drinking. So, imagine my shock when he said to me that I just needed to get it under control, it's all mental and that he would help me with my will power.
I said to him, "I'm an alcoholic, don't you get it?" And he responds, "I am too. But, it's all mental. I want to drink every day. But, I don't. I drink once or twice a week because I have responsibilities. You do too so that's what I will help you with."

I was just like OMG, this is a guy who supposedly cared about me enough to make me stop drinking and now it appears like he is threatened by me stopping drinking???? Is that what it looks like? Or does he honestly not realize how bad I am?

My guess would be option #1. Interesting to me that he freely says that he's also an alcoholic, but using pure willpower to moderate. That must feel like HELL for him! It's so much easier not to drink, IMO. My husband and I played that game for years, almost to MY grave.. so glad I don't have to even think of it anymore. Stay strong hun!

[sailorjohn]

The only people that I expect will ever have a true understanding of alcoholism are recovering alcoholics. Period.

[tommyk]

I don't fully understand alcoholism and I probably never will.

Therefore it no longer dumbfounds me when others say 'stupid' things regarding alcoholism.

Just my opinion.

None of my drinking buddies wanted to leave me behind... but I went on ahead anyhow.

[Jade19]

I went through the same thing with my husband...I stopped by myself, FOR myself...he followed suit on his own but he admitted recently that he was unsupportive in the beginning because he knew he had issues with alcohol as well. It was his own demons he would have to face and he resented me for bringing them to the surface for him.

You have to take care of yourself...you listen to that voice inside your head...hang in there...

thinking of you...

~Jade

[shaun00]

this is why its vital the you have contact with alcoholics...if indeed you are one.

moderation drinkers...temperate drinkers or even non drinkers have little clue about alcoholism....

can you explain to someone what its like when that drink hits your lips?

or what it feels like when you haveny got a drink?....i doubt it.

my father cannot understand why i cant moderate.....even after he see me in hospital or jail countless times.

"youve got a strong will son"......"what the deal".........he has no idea..

my wife trys to tell me what its like to give birth......i can read books...go to the classes with her but at the end of the day ill never know what its like to give birth...

[Wolfchild]

[tricky164]

maybe a good idea that he set up his own treatment centre. just what AA needs......in fact ive got 12 sponcees that could do with his help. hee hee

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by FindMyselfSober

"I'm an alcoholic, don't you get it?" And he responds, "I am too. But, it's all mental. I want to drink every day. But, I don't. I drink once or twice a week because I have responsibilities. You do too so that's what I will help you with."

People who want to drink but can control it in the long run are not
"alcoholics". They may have alcohol-issues but not alcohol-ism.

[NoMoBeer]

Hey FMS...

The disease of alcoholism is WAY more than mental. Our drinking is but a symptom... and forget will power. If I put will power and alcoholism in a cage to fight, the ism wins everytime, hands down. So I know (for me, and I am pretty darned sure that I am a real alcoholic) that will power does not work. "Lack of power" is my dilemma.

AA enables me to find a Higher Power which will solve my problem.

I am in agreement that he is just not seeing the truth, and you do. So, recover for you and keep that the most important thing in your life, no matter what. Hang in there!

NMB

[yeahgr8]

Could even be that he is scared of what will happen if you stop, maybe you won't want to be with him anymore or you may be more difficult to control...then again could be he simply doesn't get it...who knows? Only way to find out is to get and stay sober:-)

[WantToHeal]

Well, I see a tiny grain of truth in what he says...I don't believe that "it's all mental", but I am convinced that "it's some mental". By which I mean, my alcohol use was linked to my depression and anxiety, and vice versa. I can't address one without the other.

He's going to have to do what he wants/needs with his own drinking. Stay on your own path.

I'll leave aside the rest of what he has to say. If you know deep down that your drinking is a problem, and are looking to stop entirely, then I say go with that and do the best job you possibly can.

Be well!

[freya]

At the time of this incident related below, I had been to, probably, over 400 Al Anon meetings and maybe 250-300 AA meetings. I had done the Steps, I had read tons of Al Anon literature and an awful lot of AA literature, plus plenty of outside sources on alcoholism. I had many, many close friends in both programs. I was not ignorant...and I am not stupid.

About 2 years ago, my partner (AA) and I (Al Anon) were on vacation on a small island off the East Coast. While we were away, an Al Anon sponsee of mine (who is also an AA with, at that time just under 5 years sober) had a serious crisis -- her partner (and active A) tried to commit suicide.

So, of course, she was calling me. (At the time she did not have an AA sponsor because her AA sponsor had fired her over being in the relationship with the active, suicidal partner.) Now, on the island we were on, we had good, clear cell phone service only near one major intersection -- So my partner had to drive me into the little town so that I could talk to my sponsee. So we talk and we talk and we talk and we talk...for like an hour..and then finally we're done and we're driving back to our cottage...

....and my partner says to me: "So, is she going to drink?"

....and I'm like: "Of course not, she's been sober for almost 5 years!"

My partner: "What do you mean 'Of course not'! Did you even ask her?"

Me: "No, that would be insulting....." and I knew by the look on my partner's face and the increasing exasperation in her voice that that was not the correct answer.......

My partner, loudly: "Frey, you need to ask her if she feels like drinking.....you have to get her to talk to another alcoholic!"

..and by then, of course, I'd realized that she was right.....so we drove back and I called her back and got her to promise to talk to another woman we both know who is also a double-winner.

The moral of this story is that it truly is not reasonable to expect people who are not alcoholics themselves to "get" -- on a practical, real-life, experiential level -- how alcoholism works and what it's like to actually be an alcoholic.

Now, obviously, I don't know for certain, but if I were you I'd be willing, assuming you really like him, to give the boyfriend a little time and see if he is willing to learn a little more and able to become more supportive.

But, seriously, if he's not an alcoholic, don't expect him to be able to "get" it the way that other alcoholics do.

freya

[debs]

... and if you do decide to really stop drinking- don't risk being around someone that endorses drinking.

I'm living proof that that's impossible.

Hope you get it all sorted... really do.

[FindMyselfSober]

Thank you all.
My inside voice has been telling me to run for the hills since this whole conversation with him...
I have been to a lot of meetings and I am sober still (day 4-which although pathetic in a way is the longest I have been sober since last fall when I went 11 days). I have spent a bunch of time with the boyfriend as well. We talked more in depth about this issue. He told me that he knows he is an alcoholic and needs to stop drinking too. At this point I do not think he is willing to completely though. I am willing to leave this relationship behind because for once in my life I know completely and without a doubt that getting and staying sober is the most important thing that I can do for myself and my children.

[CarolD]

I did leave my still drinking lover to protect my early sobriety.
He survived....I've thrived....

For me...the longer I was not drinking and he was
the less we had in common. My goals and lifestyle
changed ...I was rowing into the woman I wanted to be.

Good to see you have 4 days in. Well done