New Method....

[debs]

Ok, so how many methods have I been through?

1. Denial.... yeah.............. not so effective....

2. The attempt at 'controlling' consumption..... (ahem)... yeah... right....

3. Looking at rehab...... (insert scared shi*less moan here)....

4. Going to AA....

Hey.... nobody said anything worth having was gonna be easy to get.... THAT I do know....

And I DID try AA... it was very, very helpful...

It was something I cherished on the days that I made it to those meetings...

I truly, without any doubt, ejoyed those times... even benefitted from them-honestly....

But (and here's the bit where the cold, hard truth comes out.. )... when I'd come back to the boards here, or read in literature online or in books... the 'importance' of sponsorship... accountability.... etc.....

I have been guilty of feeling a bit resentful.....

Why?

Because I want nothing more than to be healed....

Yet sponsorship frankly is a goal I've been unaple to reach...

Is that my fault?

Is it my group's fault?

Fact is...

I think those that make the effort to go to meetings where they have a pretty dang good chance of being asked to speak allowed about themSELVES.............................. well... I think those peple ... it's fair to say, are ready for support...

I'm rambling.... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am, indeed, reluctant to go to those meetings and ask for a sponsor.... because....

1. I'm excruciatingly shy (and asking me to do something like that is like asking me to cut off my right arm.............. it's that difficult for me....

2. I HATE it when I have to come back to SR and while I'm thrilled about recent experiences I've had at meetings, etc.... I am fully aware of the fact that at least SOMEone will ask me about the sponsor thing...

And I'll inevitably have to answer................ 'no, no sponsor yet'....

Whether that's my fault or not, God ony knows.... but you do see the dillema here?

I feel like I've incoherenty babbled a bunch of stuff that's really personal to me and do hope that at least a few of you will be able to decipher what it is I'm trying to say...

(sigh)... Maybe it's time to change groups....

Maybe it's time to try a whole new method...

Something's gotta give... and I'd prefer it not be my life.

[Dee74]

Well I'm not an AAer, so I'm not sure I get it...

is it the getting the sponsor - and that relationship - that's the problem or is the commitment that the whole thing represents?

Either way, lots of us made it without AA. Lots of folks here made it without 12 steps while doing AA too.

But you need SOMETHING and you need it, like, yesterday, Debs. You need action, not analysis.

You're fighting for your life here - don't lose perspective...think about your priorities, ok?

D

[McGowdog]

Well I am an A.A.er and let me ask you this; are you looking to do steps?

Just find somebody who will take you through the steps. Why do you even have to use the "sponsor" word? But it is up to you to decide if you're willing to try just doing all 12 steps and see what comes of it. What's the worst you can do? Get stuck on a step or something? Or maybe you'll just do them and you'll need to share your 5th step with someone... maybe that person. Then you'll need to do 6, 7, 8 and finish those amends. Then do 10, 11, and 12 and you'll be sort of done needing a sponsor. You might find yourself in a position to sponsor someone yourself... or not. This is looking a bit ahead, I know.

If there were really any such thing as a sponsor, I see it as a person who guides you through the steps and points you to the book and God. That's about it.

[Ago]

How terrified were you walking into a roomful of strangers?

Did you raise your hand and introduce yourself as a newcomer?

I ask because those things TERRIFIED me, I literally didn't mind lighting a trashcan in a bar on fire and putting it out by weeing on it, had to practically have someone hold my hand to go to a meeting and raise my hand.

Yet:

It was something I cherished on the days that I made it to those meetings...

A few of my old sponsors, and now, sponsees are my best friends today, I literally love them more then my biological family

If you can make it to a meeting, if you can expose your innermost thoughts "on paper" like you did in this thread, you have the courage to do this, getting a sponsor is easy compared to what you have already done, even if you have to just ask someone for their phone number, call a few times, then if you find yourself comfortable with them, ask them if they will take you through the steps.

Viola- a sponsor

[CarolD]

You feel better when you attend meetings....so...go.

Okay...about sponsorship. Have you looked on the literature
rack in meetings for the AA guideline......
Questions & Answers on Sponsorship?
A sponsor is a mentor for Step work.

If you attend a Beginners Meeting ..they often have
members willing to sponsor.
Some have phone lists too. Yes they want you to call

Have you considered a Womans Group?
You might find that less frightening.

How would I find a sponsor if I were shy?
I'd pray for one...then....
I'd sit next to a cheerful looking woma and
quietly ask "How do I find a sponsor?"

All my best Debs...

[EvilBunny]

I can honestly say that the whole confess-everything-to-a-sponsor thing is one of the reasons I knew AA wasn't for me. The horrible things I've done are nobody's damn business and compiling a list of them made me feel worse, not better. Lots of people recover without going to confession.

AA makes it sound like alcoholics are all just alike and we're not. What works for someone else may not work for you, and since sponsors have no training in counseling all they can tell you is what worked for them, which may be irrelevant to you. One size does not fit all.

[CarolD]

Hi EB....
Welcome to our recovery community.

Your DOS on your Profile is 9-14-09
I do hope you will find something that is
beneficial to you in your fresh sobriety.

Not all of our members use 12 Step recovery.
Oviously it's not for everyone.

[yeahgr8]

Debs it's ok to be shy, have a resentment, whatever...but some real good words of advice have been given by 4 different people already on your thread who:

a) have been sobriety since i joined (and beyond) in March 2008, which is 18 months ago...
b) don't **** and moan at every turn, thus giving the impression that they are enjoying their sober lives

I got into AA 2 months ago as you know. I went to the first meeting and felt completely uncomfortable, i am used to chairing meetings at work, reporting to the board etc but i literally felt like i was 10 again and had just walked into a class i really didn't want to be in! We went for coffee on the 2nd meeting i went to, i spoke to this older guy who seemed to be happy and just mentioned that i had heard about sponsors and asked what it was. It took me another 3 meetings, after a coffee, looking down at the road, kicking my heels to blurt out something like...i just wanted to ask a question...say no if you can't help...and don't feel under any pressure...don't feel funny about me asking...but would you consider perhaps something like, i dunno, would you be maybe my sponsor lol After all that he just yes let's meet tomorrow, just us, for a coffee...what an anti climax!!!

His role is a guide through the steps, he has done them and achieved sobriety so it makes sense to have someone like that help you right?! The steps help you to face yourself and get rid of the past, and then start living life sober and being able to handle things. How on earth are you supposed to stay sober and be happy if all you do is stop drinking, you will still be carrying around all the **** from the past which means all that will happen is that you will carry on making the insane decisions you did with drinking without the 'comfort' of oblivion...it's obvious when you think about it!

The people have got sober without AA, IMO. have figured out some way to do this for themselves...they haven't just stopped drinking and then wow everything is great again...they will have been to medical professionals, changed their lifestyle bigtime, read loads of the right books, changed circle of friends etcetcetc...both routes are going to take work and big change.

The only thing that took both of us down to AA is the pain and for a moment (maybe hours/days) we were willing to do something about our lives and drinking...either we start doing the work or start feeling a bit better and drink again then and our minds convince us that the resource we reached out for won't work for us, regardless of the fact that we actually did **** all of what the resource told us to do, and off we go again for maybe days, months, years...until the pain becomes too much again and we reach out for help again...maybe we won't get lucky enough to get to that stage again and we will die...

It's worth a real big think about all this as there is no need for you to do another 10 years out there like i did...cmon you can do this for yourself now:-)

You can PM people if there is anything off board that you want to say/ask remember!

[debs]

Maybe I wasn't clear... it isn't AA that I'm contesting.. not by a long shot.. I think it very well could be the tool that God uses to heal me...

It's not the program that I find difficult... it's just that tiny (or profoundly large- depending on how you look at it) task of sponsorship..... that has me dumfounded, if not terrified.

Originally Posted by CarolD

How would I find a sponsor if I were shy?
I'd pray for one.

Advice that I truly will implement... I am a firm believer in the power of prayer...

Originally Posted by CarolD

then....
I'd sit next to a cheerful looking woma and
quietly ask "How do I find a sponsor?"

This is the part that gets me...

I've even gone so much as to have announced (during my share-time) that I didn't understand sponsorship or how to go about getting a sponsor....

And my GAWD.... the room spun and sweat dropped down my forehead and I felt like my head was imploding from the rush of terror................ I know.............. silly..........

But then after my time to share, they went on to the next person... and then the next... and by the end of 'share time'... I was just wanting to RUN out of there...

Maybe I just need to grow up... get over myself and just ask again... but it just seems like to me that it shouldn't be this difficult... even for a person who's picture resides by the definition of 'wallflower' in the dictionary...

[yeahgr8]

That's great Debs.

Pray, keep going to meetings and you will meet that right person who will become your sponsor i am sure. You will be in a great position to help a newcomer with this minor hiccup in the future:-)

[stone]

Originally Posted by CarolD

You feel better when you attend meetings....so...go.

First off, why not just go to meetings and forget about the sponsor thing for a while?

I know the general impression you get from some AA posters here is, that you need to go through the steps immediately (you need a sponsor for that) but if the sponsor thing is too much for you right now then it would be a shame if that stopped you just going to meetings.

Saying that though, I do have a sponsor and am doing the steps for the second time, the Program is vital to me, meetings by themselves are not enough.

For now, maybe you could go to meetings and keep an eye out for someone you think you can relate to, do some sponsor shopping without feeling so rushed it spoils the meeting experience for you?

[debs]

Originally Posted by McGowdog

If there were really any such thing as a sponsor, I see it as a person who guides you through the steps and points you to the book and God.

Well ................... dilemma numero dos............

I found a (shock horror) MAN on close to day ONE that was someone who I could relate to on SO many levels...

He was the grampa type... been sober since '87 or something amazing...

And he actually approached me and gave me his number and talked about going through the steps over coffee with me, etc...

As awesome and lovely as this opportunity seemed to be.... I avoided pursuing it..... why? Cos of the gender difference... cos of the whole 'watch out for 13th steppers' unwritten rule...

Altho no part of me believes his motives would have been anything but genuinely focused around success in sobriety..... I was hesitant...

Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I should try and find him again.

[NeverLookinBack]

Debs,
I was in the same boat as you are, but I found out that AA is not essential was for recovery. Find god, activities, see a therapist, gather new friends, etc. I think the most important thing you need to do is see a therapist and find out the roots of why you drank in the first place. I think seeing a professional is THE most important thing someone can do for their drinking or habit. Don't beat yourself up if you think AA is not for you, most people end up getting sober with other methods. Test the waters, talk to someone who is a specialist/professional/ or a doctor to talk about your problems. I find that (if you can), a psychologist or mental health counselor can work wonders. Our addictions are only the problems on the surface, usually deep down we have unresolved issues that need to be explored and worked through, preferably with a professional and not another ex drunk. Don't be discouraged, find what works for you and stick with it. I found a great psychologist who practices a lot of holistic stuff (breathing, visualization exercises, etc.). It has worked wonders for my sobriety, and I considered myself a serious hard-core alcoholic.

[Dee74]

Debs

this guy might be unimpeachable but I know if I was in AA I wouldn't be approaching young women and giving them my phone number, lets meet for coffee etc...way too easily misconstrued for a start.

if I did seek out someone? it would be as a friend, publicly and transparently, in the context of the throng before or after a meeting, simply to put them in contact with other women.

This guy might be awesome, but they make the same sex rule for a good reason. I may be overly cautious - but personally I don't think you were wrong to listen to your gut.

D

[Cubile75]

Debs...

Sounds like you must have an AA group you like. If you do, make it your home group.... They should have announced how you do that, their is usually a list... First names, date of sobriety.... Then go early, stay late.... Try to get yourself around some women who seem happy and just talk, about anything, start getting to know each other. When you are feeling a little comfortable, start asking about sponsorship.

Yea, I know what you mean about coming to SR.... Feeling in some way judged on the quality of your program... That's really just a product of your own thinking. Everyone is happy for you... You are seeking sobriety, asking questions and those who have chosen AA as their program of recovery are delighted for you and they know that there is so much joy that awaits... We are just anxious to see you find it.

It's wonderful to see how much you want it, and how hard you are trying. Everyone just wants the best for you.

Mark

[JohnnyZ]

I think I see the problem- it's called pressure. There are certain pressures I found going to AA meetings that turned me off and away. Yes, I was uplifted much of the time, but the few things I felt uncomfortable with having to do were enough to turn me off and away. Feeling like I had to have a sponsor (a complete stranger who I'm going to spill my whole life to?) in order to make AA work scared me. Certain "steps" made me nervous (I've always been an independent and thus I'm only willing to go so far). Having to hold hands and recite the Our Father made me uneasy (I don't want to hold anyone's hand, and I've lost my faith in the Catholic religion and I don't want to be chanting something that brings me back).

AA is important for many people and I respect and appreciate that. In my opinion Debs, and as others have already said, if you truly enjoy meetings, then go. Forget about getting a sponsor and leave that pressure behind. There's that saying that I've heard and read may times, something like- take what you want/need and leave the rest. Anything you feel pressure with- leave it. JMHO.

[smacked]

I don't use AA in my recovery, as you know... but I think that if you found the meetings helpful, sponsor or no sponsor... you might still want to go to them. Would probably be better than nothin!

[McGowdog]

You know... I hear a bunch of people describe their 5th Step experience and the first thing out of their pie holes is "You're as sick as your secrets." I've found most guys that I've 5th Stepped to to be a bunch of wussies. Once we've spent a couple or few or more hours going over my inventory... of stuff that's been done to me, stuff I've resented, feared, sex stuff (not much... no records broken here... no farm animals... )... harms done to others... I don't get too many guys with the fortitude to ask... "So, is there anything else? Any take it to the grave secrets?"

No... with me, their more inclined to say, "So... are we done yet?" They're usually wiped out. I had a guy just last night, 30 years sober say, "You're not the kind of guy who I would have drank with. You don't seem like fun. You seem like the guy who would cause utter chaos and survive it, but I wouldn't."

Wussies, most of them. By the time that I've just read my 3 columns, I'm so opened up and aware, I could just share about anything about me to you. But... there's times that I find someone else who has had experience in a certain part of my inventory and discuss it with him. Where do I find this person? When you go to speaker meetings, once in a while, you hear that guy... who did what you did... and is free of it now.

And if you don't want to do confession, then don't. I'm more interested in doing a thing like that and then rapping about it... good or bad. I'm certainly not interested in your opinion of something about which you have no experience. When I'm done with a 5th Step, I'm usually amped up and free and almost feel like I can fly. I feel like I can look the world in the eye... toe to toe. But moreso when I'm done with my amends (9th Step).

If I'm gonna go and do a "confession", would I rather do it with some celibate (allegedly ) priest, or some other drunk like me? When I'm on the other side of that fence and I'm hearing a 5th Step, I'm just there to be witness to them and God... and to maybe help them see truth in their part in the deal.

And the bottom line is, when I become aware that "my troubles are of my own making", that's the biggest statement of hope in the whole A.A. program. Why? Because I'm no longer a victim. You don't have to do jack chite for me to be ok with the world. I'm free.

But, if you don't want to do that, fine. Be a mushroom for all I care.

[Tazman53]

Debs do not worry about what others folks think or even say about your program!

Your program is your program, there is an old saying that applies here.

"When the student is ready the teacher will appear!"

I will share what worked for me, I first found a temporary sponsor, no commitment for either of us, just some one that agreed would answer questions I had and give me suggestions on how to stay sober by sharing his experience, strength and hope with me.

This man, my temporary sponsor, answered questions I had about getting a full time sponsor to take the steps with. He suggested that I look for a man who had what I wanted and that I felt I could trust and to ask that man when he came along.

Check out some womens meetings as suggested, perhaps ask a lady you feel kind of comfortable with to be your temporary sponsor. Let her know that you are seeking some guidance on finding a full time sponsor.

Debs, do not fret over this, I know some folks who took over a year before they asked some one to be thier sponsor and took the steps with them.

I also know folks with years of sobriety that have never had an "Official" sponsor, but have taken the steps several times with other men in the fellowship who they never asked to be thier sponsor.

I will say that for me having a sponsor to take the steps with was a crucial part of my recovery, but I had been with my temporary sponsor for several months before I found a man with what I wanted, that through knowing him for a while I had trust in him.

Do not worry about what others think about you or your program, the only person in early recovery you need to be focused on is you!

When a lady comes along that you start thinking "Gee, I like her, I want what she has, and I trust her." That will be the lady you will want to ask to be your sponsor.

Do not let what others say make you feel you need a sponsor right this second.

BTW the older gentleman may have intentions as pure as the driven snow, but he may not.... stick with the ladies just to be safe.

[Jomey]

Hey Debs - I know how you feel about speaking up at the AA meetings....I was just like you....ask Taz....LOL...he held my cyber hand the whole way through my first couple meetings! The one thing I learned is that no matter how bad you feel...like screaming, crying, fainting, running.....if you just sit quiet and let the feelings come, they will pass, and should you need someone to help you get through them, you can't find a better place than an AA meeting. I would try a women's meeting too, if you can... I found them more comfortable as well. And take D & Taz's advice, please, and stay away from the older gentleman...even if his intentions are good, he ought to know better, and that makes me leary for you. Follow your gut.

It's ok to be emotional at AA....it's therapeutic....you won't be the first or the last....take your time with the sponsor thing, but don't let it trip up your sobriety, ok?

Good luck!
Jomey

[Charmie]

hi debs.my experience was this,i wanted to get on the steps and in my case it was imperative (thats just me im talking about!) and i was looking around the rooms,i didnt really see anyone that had what i wanted,so i prayed and prayed on it,like taz said,"when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear".one day at a regular meeting a lady visited,she chaired the meeting and when i heard what she had to say that was it,,bingo! of course i didnt know if she was going to say yes,but the way it happened and the timing were not coincidence i believe today.you said you have a firm belief in the power of prayer,that my friend is a fabulous start.

[tomvlll]

Originally Posted by EvilBunny

I can honestly say that the whole confess-everything-to-a-sponsor thing is one of the reasons I knew AA wasn't for me. The horrible things I've done are nobody's damn business and compiling a list of them made me feel worse, not better. Lots of people recover without going to confession.

AA makes it sound like alcoholics are all just alike and we're not. What works for someone else may not work for you, and since sponsors have no training in counseling all they can tell you is what worked for them, which may be irrelevant to you. One size does not fit all.

I just had a converstaion today about this.

I'm of the opinion that either you get your sh%t down in black and white or you live it in color.

I doubt there's a threrapy protocol anywhere which would advise keeping your sh%t bottled up inside.

[EvilBunny]

Originally Posted by tomvlll

I just had a converstaion today about this.

I'm of the opinion that either you get your sh%t down in black and white or you live it in color.

I doubt there's a threrapy protocol anywhere which would advise keeping your sh%t bottled up inside.

I've been in therapy a few times and was never advised to make a detailed list of every immoral or self-destructive thing I'd ever done while intoxicated. Even if this were helpful, why "God and another person"? It's a holdover from AA's religious roots. It's going to confession, plain and simple. I think you can recognize that your behavior has been unhealthy in the past without sharing the gory details of it with someone who has no legal obligation to keep it confidential.

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by EvilBunny

I think you can recognize that your behavior has been unhealthy in the past without sharing the gory details of it with someone who has no legal obligation to keep it confidential.

So I take it you personally worked through the steps, or at least through step 5 and this was your own experience?

[Cubile75]

Originally Posted by EvilBunny

... was never advised to make a detailed list of every immoral or self-destructive thing I'd ever done while intoxicated....

It is a list of resentments....

Almost nothing on my list of resentments has anything to do with something I did while intoxicated. Yea, I have some regrets, and some shame, from actions of mine while intoxicated... But resentments or "character defects" were there before my alcoholism...

My 2 cents

Mark