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Old 07-15-2009, 03:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Can't Get Sober/ Can't Get Drunk

Well it looks like I can't get 100% sober not 100% drunk. When I ingest alcohol now I must vomit the first 1 or 2 beers. It's not a lot fun. I haven't resorted back to Listerine though so I am making some progress. I am seeing my doctor next week & will ask for an increase of my Klonopin. Perhaps that will help me stay sober. I was beaten up pretty badly my last drunk & I have decided if I drink I will do so at home. I guess thats a harm reduction model. I had inflammation around my heart from a strong punch & was hospitalized for 3 days. They knew I was an alcoholic because of my high blood pressure and I even had a heart specialist lecture me on alcoholism. I suppose they did detox me with the meds that I like so much. I have no appetite and am extremely depressed from not drinking. If I could I think I would stay drunk 24 hours a day. I know I need to quit because my body is starting to give up. Mentally I gave up years ago and now finally it's the physical part.


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Old 07-15-2009, 04:04 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Tib, since you're going to be drinking at home maybe you could read this http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tion-bret.html (Intervention: Bret) and then spend some time watching the video about Bret at A&E. Be sure to watch the follow-up too.

I watched this at my office this afternoon, and honestly it almost left me in a state of shock. I'm a year older than this guy, have two kids, and my marriage also ended.

It was like watching the "alternate ending" to my alcoholism, what would've happened if I hadn't stopped when I did. The denial, self-knowledge, and self-will run riot, I could identify with 100%.
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Old 07-15-2009, 04:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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GL man.
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Old 07-15-2009, 04:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Have you ever considered inpatient rehab? Like for three months? It might help you to be in a 'clean' place for a while so you can get and stay sober for a while and begin to understand what it means to live sober. Counseling might also be helpful, since you seem to have a self-destructive streak in you.
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Old 07-15-2009, 04:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I think we should go back through the threads and see which Member used the word "Can't" the most times.
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Old 07-15-2009, 05:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
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i know what you mean...my drinking was over a couple of years before i quit drinking.

thoses first few beers going down the toilet.......till that awful dry retching stops and i can finally keep down some booze......within seconds i felt better.
life seemed to come into focus .....twitching and sweating stopped instantly.

jails and hospitals were regular wake up enviroments.....if it was a jail i was in trouble and needed to the doctor

i had brief moments of clarity......and missed my famly..my daughter and life.

and so began the journey back.....to the big picture if you like.

my drinking was over...i knew it..felt it........
i carried on drinking on and of for maybe 18 months on and off.

10/11 years ago i may have pestered you for money outside the cash point.
for booze or some sob story...

but i had that yearning to get back and live life...... i had the desire and i mean the honest desire to kick it.

if you have that desire........it is possible to do this.

you can get sober and with the right help stay sober....

god be with you
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Old 07-16-2009, 09:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Tiburon,

I don't think you're a bad person, or a weak person. I think you're sick. You're sick just like I was. And I think that sickness clouded my thinking to the point where I had resigned myself to accepting my fate and dying an alcoholic death.

But then it got unbearable for me. Drinking or not drinking had the same result. It was all painful and unbearable.

I was at the point where I had nothing to lose by trying something different. There is a certain amount of freedom in having nothing left to lose (no Kristofferson jokes please). I reached out to someone in whom the problem had been solved, I followed directions, and I recovered from that seemingly hopeless condition.

If you're willing to do the same as I did, I'm sure you can recover and look back on this time with amusement.

Are you willing?
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Old 07-16-2009, 09:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by least View Post
Have you ever considered inpatient rehab? Like for three months? It might help you to be in a 'clean' place for a while so you can get and stay sober for a while and begin to understand what it means to live sober. Counseling might also be helpful, since you seem to have a self-destructive streak in you.
I think this is a perfect suggestion for you, Tib. There are rehabs that don't bang the AA book, if you're worried about that. It sounds like you have absolutely nothing to lose. Go away for 90 days and concentrate on yourself. You can still do this, man. You can still turn this around. Good Luck, my friend.
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Old 07-16-2009, 12:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Rehab sounds great but I have no insurance. The only free in-patient program around here is Salvation Army. Which I've been too in 2006 and contrary to popular believe is not so good. I was thinking about going to the psych ward for a while because mentally I'm starting to lose it. I'm running out of my Klonopin and I feel that is the only thing keeping me sane. My psychiatrist might take me off of them next week then I will be screwed. I've been to rehab almost 5 times. I feel like a rehab loser. I feel I'm not always welcomed on these boards because of my "outside the box" views.


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Old 07-16-2009, 12:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I think we should go back through the threads and see which Member used the word "Can't" the most times.

Thanks Pinckuda always there with the hammer. I know the tough guy approach works sometimes but not with this alcoholic/addict.

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Old 07-16-2009, 12:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Tib, nothing's going to work unless you want it bad enough to do what's suggested, and are willing to stay sober no matter what happens. Doesn't matter if it's free or a gazillion bucks. The ultimate decision is up to you.

I had no idea that rehab or treatment was available to an average guy like me when I sobered up. I thought I had to be a gutter drunk or a celebrity to use those options. Free rehab sounds great, I just happened to use AA. Every day it costs me $1 in the 7th Tradition basket, and that's only on the days I can afford it.
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Old 07-16-2009, 01:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
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To be honest, it seems like your "outside the box" views are keeping you addicted and very sick. Maybe when you want to get well more than you want to stay sick you will accept help from wherever you can get it. For your sake, I hope so.

As far as the "tough guy" approach is concerned... "tough love" makes you mad and "gentle love" is dismissed. We can't do anything to help you Tib, only YOU can help yourself. So do it. Help yourself.
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Old 07-16-2009, 01:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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The mental hospital might be a good route for your to go. You probably fall under the classification of Dual Disorders, meaning substance abuse and mental health issues. There are many programs that are starting to take this classification more seriously. I'm sure you understand you are not going to be able to just order your doctors to give you whatever meds you want, but they will help you and if nothing else it will give you the opporunity to "dry out" in a safe environment.

I am a two time "rehab loser", not the rehab's fault, both were excellent programs. The problem was with me, I would not follow their suggestions and the problem with substance abuse is it is not something a doctor can "fix" like heart disease or something. If you are unwilling to follow their suggestions you probably will be doomed to the alcoholic death you seem so resigned to.

I do not consider myself to be a "member" of any 12-step recovery group, or any particular recover group in general, for that matter. I have found things in 12-step recovery that, if I can take an honest look at myself and my behaviors, I do find to be helpful. The same can be said for more CBT based programs like SMART or Lifering. The bottom line is you have to do the heavy lifting. The doctors can help you through detox, but if they give you meds when you get out and you go back to drinking there is not much they can do for you.

I've wondered for years why those damm doctors and theripists can't just do their jobs and fix me!! The fact is all they can do is help me fix me.

Given the increasingly desperate tone of your posts, I think checking into a mental hospital would be an excellent idea. Try to be open to their ideas though. Your way is obviously not working very well, or you would not be posting here, so be open to some other ideas. AA is not the only way, but given it is a "free" program, it is often one of the few face to face support programs available to people without insurance. I am sending you a PM with details of some SMART Recovery meetings in the Chicago area. If you are not familiar with the program here is their website. SMART RecoveryŽ Help with Alcohol, Drug, and Other Addictions It is a CBT based program, but you still have to do the "work" to recover. There is no magic pill to take. Best of luck to you. Take care.
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Old 07-16-2009, 02:07 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Tib - You are currently living my worst nightmare. Been there so many times I can't believe I'm still alive. If you have just a moment of clarity, please understand all these people wish you well.

Oh, mouth wash, check...perfume, check, strong wine vinegar, check...vanilla extract yep. Rubbing alcohol, tried to do myself in that way once with a script of Antabuse.

For once please try to listen to someone other then yourself. There is hope, there is a chance. You are definitely worth the effort at life for yourself.
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Old 07-16-2009, 02:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Tib - I have to go to work now. But you may wonder, was I broke, on the streets when I had to have that alcohol that very minute? No I was not.

I have no impulse control whatever. If the desire (craving) for a drink hits and I have no alcohol present, for whatever reason, usually it was trying to control my intake, I would reach for anything that I knew had alcohol in it.

It was for a few minutes for feeling ok. I would rather be dead then live like that.

Believe me, I have struggled and relapsed so many times I can't count. I will never give up.

The ER calls me the Frequent Flyer Lady. They were amazed I have a job and money and would just grab for whatever alcohol is/was available. I can't even explain it myself.

Please get yourself some help. Do not dictate what med's you should be given, do not do this on your own terms. I wish you peace of the soul and a journey of sober living. I'll be thinking about you tonight while I'm at work.
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Old 07-16-2009, 02:56 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Is a God of your understanding a possibility for you? Not pushing it on you, but it might be your last stop. Like some others here I've been watching you slowly kill yourself since you joined this site. The sad thing is that is doesn't have to be this way. It seems to me your trouble is that you think you know what you need to do. How's that working for you?

My suggestion would be to follow the advice of people who were just as f@cked up as you were (I'm one of them) and do what they did. I hope you sort it out Tib, I really do, the slow painful alcoholic death is a horrendous way to go, I promise you a better life is out there waiting for you to claim it, are you willing.
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Old 07-16-2009, 03:10 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I say screw your views, why don't you try one of these nice people's views that are offering some suggestions. Your views are can't be more important than life itself, can they? I'd try it all, another rehab, get on your knees and pray to God, or somebody. Mental hospital, whatever, just make some kind of a move so that you don't die and make sure that your views don't come into play at all.
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Old 07-16-2009, 03:10 PM   #18 (permalink)
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"I feel I'm not always welcomed on these boards because of my "outside the box" views."

You are always welcome here, in my opinion, to state your views and feelings.

And others are equally welcome to state what they think of your views and feelings, right?

Two way street?

I've seen some of your posts that were not only outside of the box, but appear to have been run over by the truck carrying the box, lol.

I think everyone here (**%) truly wants to see you succeed, and the truth has been stated - you're gonna have to do the heavy lifting, me and everyone else can only spot for you.

We're here for you though, keep coming back.
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Old 07-16-2009, 03:37 PM   #19 (permalink)
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your are welcome on sr......by many including myself.

it maybe that you bring out the limited tolerance in some.

you wouldnt be the first drunk to frustrate people.....or the last.

sometimes it can be upsetting for some to listen to someone slowly destroying themselves....i do.....part of me will always want to "rescue"..

yes im alcoholic....i found the solution in the big book of alcoholics anonymous.......i pray you do..

can i ask you a question.....have you worked through the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous?...with a sponsor.

i dont mean AA meetings........i mean the program of recovery laid out in the big book.

if youve tried everything else.......maybe it will work for you as it has for me.

sounds like youve tried everything else....as i did.

keep coming back.
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Old 07-19-2009, 01:08 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Tib,

My heart goes out to you. I know you've mentioned the dual diagnosis before, so a pysch hospital might be a good place to be for a while until you get on your feet.

I understand the out of the box thinking. I also understand the damage done by some people's comments who somehow think they are doing you a favor when in reality it's quite the opposite. Ignore them.

The MOST important thing right now is for you to get well. If you go into the hospital for a bit this will break the cycle and get you off the booze. Your mind will be more clear. Dual diagnosis is tough to deal with. I have it too. In my experience, a two pronged approach to things is required (well, actually that is professional thinking these days) and a one size fits all approach definitely does NOT work. Please PM me if you ever want to talk.

Katie
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