relapse,relapse, and try again...

[deerwalk]

I was out a week ago at a place that served alcohol, to see a movie- so as not to be a total recluse. As I was on the way out, bike and everything ready to roll, out the door and seconds from leaving someone offered me a shot. I wanted the company, lonely soul that I am (like many of us)... and it was all downhill from there. I can't have one and I can't say when. I get it. I really get it. A week later and I am tired and regretful, as I knew I'd be- but to feel alive for just a few days seemed worth the trade at the time. It isn't. It just never, ever is. I desire happiness as we all do. Like many I also seek it in the wrong ways. Try as I might to change that, the usual tempations are just so, so many.

[Katie09]

Originally Posted by deerwalk

I was out a week ago at a place that served alcohol, to see a movie- so as not to be a total recluse. As I was on the way out, bike and everything ready to roll, out the door and seconds from leaving someone offered me a shot. I wanted the company, lonely soul that I am (like many of us)... and it was all downhill from there. I can't have one and I can't say when. I get it. I really get it. A week later and I am tired and regretful, as I knew I'd be- but to feel alive for just a few days seemed worth the trade at the time. It isn't. It just never, ever is. I desire happiness as we all do. Like many I also seek it in the wrong ways. Try as I might to change that, the usual tempations are just so, so many.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Stuff happens. Just get back on the horse and ride! As to the movie though, do you have theaters that serve alcohol? Maybe next time try a regular theater? I don't really go to movies, so I am not much in the know about these things.

One thing I am very much is the know about and can relate to is being a lonely soul. That is tough and I do understand. That's why SR is so great. A person gets to "talk" to others. My loneliness makes me do strange and harmful things too (I pick the wrong people IRL to trust, for example). Just hang in there and don't stray too far from SR.

[keithj]

Deerwalk,

Is it coming up on a year now of trying to get sober? It may be that you require something other than yourself to recover. It may be time to follow a path others have taken. Or you can keep trying it your way.

[deerwalk]

I hear you keith, I am exploring other options. It is at least a year if not more, I have told myself I am quitting many times over the years, I can hardly bear to think about just when my quitting endeavors began as it was so long ago and not much has changed aside from a few months here and there of sobriety. That much, I suppose, is better than nothing- at least I like to think so, because if I don't I will sink into depression.

[keithj]

Thanks for the willingness, deerwalk. I did that also, for a couple of years, trying everything from doctors and drugs to inpatient rehab. When I just kept getting worse and knew without a doubt that I couldn't stay sober, I jumped headlong into AA's steps and I recovered. The fight was over. Simple as that.

[kurtrambis]

There are many people who relapse many times before finally quitting for good. Keep fighting, never give up.

[JJB]

Hi deer
Hope to see you soon in chat!
Sounds like you're giving yourself a hard time! -don't
We'll get there !!!!

[gravity]

...few months here and there of sobriety. That much, I suppose, is better than nothing- at least I like to think so, because if I don't I will sink into depression.

My own path to sobriety started much the same as yours. Some of us have many false starts but you will find what works for you.

Never give up.

[Firehazard]

I have relapsed as well and was hard on myself and a respected friend suggested to me that I just start fresh. All our yesterdays are gone are gone.
We just work on today (the now) and don't worry about building up a wad of time to blow. Hang in thier.

[Amazonqueen522]

Hi Deer, I miss talking to you! hang in there you are a strong women and you can get up and continue your journey!

Your SR Friend, Minerva

[joedris]

I love Keith's postings. They save me from typing. He's right. You need something a little more structured than your current "go it alone" program. Try AA. It's saved a lot of lives over the past 74 years, mine is one of them. (The bonsais also say you should try AA.)

[least]

Forgive yourself and move forward again.

[deerwalk]

Haha thanks Joe, first smile of the day... Well the bonsais never lie, do they? I have gone to a couple of AA meetings in the past- they were a good kick start. Here's my concern, and I know this is going to sound awful... but part of me really fears meeting someone who will potentially become another drinking buddy! I can just see it happening- I am NOT that strong at the moment and I am pretty lonely which makes for a great set up... Honestly I'm not making excuses... I am also looking into SMART, it appeals to me as it is seemingly a bit more logic based. Though, as luck would have it the meetings are on the only night I have something to do, as a friend recently signed me up for a class. But yes, definitely something will change. Evidently I am no success solo.

[Gypsy Feet]

hmmm, I actually get the thing about meeting someone, but the way I work my recovery is, I would go in 100% committed to meeting people with lots of sobriety under their belts who made sense, and immediately detaching from people who seem iffy (even if the iffy, really messed up ones were the ones who attracted me right off the bat, which they no doubt would be).

I believe if you got a sponsor, and were 100% honest with them, they could help you steer clear of the baddies.


I would also just like to add that when I made the decision to be sober, my friends could have paid 10 grand to sign me up for weekly massages given by the lead singer of godsmack (yum), and I would have canceled on them in a heart beat (but I still love you sully!).
good luck

[Katie09]

Originally Posted by deerwalk

Haha thanks Joe, first smile of the day... Well the bonsais never lie, do they? I have gone to a couple of AA meetings in the past- they were a good kick start. Here's my concern, and I know this is going to sound awful... but part of me really fears meeting someone who will potentially become another drinking buddy! I can just see it happening- I am NOT that strong at the moment and I am pretty lonely which makes for a great set up... Honestly I'm not making excuses... I am also looking into SMART, it appeals to me as it is seemingly a bit more logic based. Though, as luck would have it the meetings are on the only night I have something to do, as a friend recently signed me up for a class. But yes, definitely something will change. Evidently I am no success solo.

Very interesting, deerwalk. I have never walked into an AA meeting thinking I'd find someone to drink with. That was the furthest thing from my mind. Now, in reality, I have been in the real life situation of drinking with people who I've met in AA (maybe two, but compare this to the hundreds I've met who have never picked up - the risk is very small). However, I will share, and I maintain this until I draw my last breath...to EVER drink or use with another addict is a HUGE disaster. I've done it maybe 4 or 5 times and forget it.

This is in part why I am so skittish about going to an AA meeting where any men are present (and I really don't want to). Not too long ago I met someone on a singles site unrelated to recovery. Little did I know that this person was in AA and I made the mistake of drinking. He made the mistake of using. Wow! Anyway, I will only go to women's meetings and that is that. Maybe a women's meeting would be a good and safe place to start out.

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by deerwalk

I have gone to a couple of AA meetings in the past- they were a good kick start. Here's my concern, and I know this is going to sound awful... but part of me really fears meeting someone who will potentially become another drinking buddy! I can just see it happening- I am NOT that strong at the moment and I am pretty lonely which makes for a great set up...

***

... I am also looking into SMART, it appeals to me as it is seemingly a bit more logic based. Though, as luck would have it the meetings are on the only night I have something to do, as a friend recently signed me up for a class. But yes, definitely something will change. Evidently I am no success solo.

It's definitely not unheard of to find new drinking buddies in the rooms -- a lot of folks come in not quite done but trying to appease family or the law or an employer and have no real intention of stopping. I've also seen the real new folks try to hold each other up and both fall down in the process. The expression, "stick with the winners" means different things to different folks. To me, it means listening for sincerity, gratitude and humility when others share and asking for help from those of the same sex.

I'm not posting to push for AA, though I am here to give it another plug. You're an artist, right? As I understand it, art is part logic, part inspiration. I found that I couldn't apply logic only to my drinking problem because, well, my logic was pretty well pickled. I needed inspiration, which could only be found on the spiritual plane -- that which transcends my screwed-up human thought process. The spiritual plane is what helped straighten out my thoughts. In other words, I couldn't think my way into inspiration. I had to allow inspiration to guide my thinking. The steps helped me clear away the garbage that had clouded my thinking for so long and allow inspiration to find its way in.

So...kick start is good, but how about sticking around for a tune-up?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[CarolD]

(((Deerwalk)))
Forward is the way to go

[Zencat]

I just want to encourage you to stay in addiction treatment no matter what...relapses included. I've been in addiction treatment since 1997. I've had more success at abstinence than not over that time. Those times when it all feel apart was when I quit treatment all together. In treatment I have slipped, dipped and tripped plenty of times yet I have remained in treatment. In the past 3 years I have made the most progress in treatment despite my relapses. As long as I continue on the path to wellness I have hope...and hope has sustained me through the darkest times.

[tommyk]

What are the chances of you meeting a drinking buddy in AA...

... versus the chances of meeting a drinking buddy doing what you are doing now?

On the way out of an AA meeting don't expect anyone to hand you a shot.

When your way isn't working anymore don't fear ANYTHING in AA, just go, meet good people.

[Dime]

It seems most people have bumps along the way. What is important is that we keep plugging away at it. What really helped me was lots of recovery program, sober people and sober activities.

In AA, other recovery programs and just about everywhere there are people we can drink with and there are people that can help us with recovery. I tried to hook up with people that enjoyed their sobriety and it rubbed off on me.

[otterbearcat]

Originally Posted by deerwalk

Haha thanks Joe, first smile of the day... Well the bonsais never lie, do they? I have gone to a couple of AA meetings in the past- they were a good kick start. Here's my concern, and I know this is going to sound awful... but part of me really fears meeting someone who will potentially become another drinking buddy! I can just see it happening- I am NOT that strong at the moment and I am pretty lonely which makes for a great set up... Honestly I'm not making excuses... I am also looking into SMART, it appeals to me as it is seemingly a bit more logic based. Though, as luck would have it the meetings are on the only night I have something to do, as a friend recently signed me up for a class. But yes, definitely something will change. Evidently I am no success solo.

Hey DW,

I go to SMART meetings where I live. There is also an online SMART forum with online meetings too since you cant make the face to face meeting that is available.

I totally get the feeling lonely thing. I really do! I have gone to the bar MANY TIMES (although not recently) because I was lonely, wanted to feel better and try to connect with another human being. Even now, when I am feeling down, the thought still pops into my head, it can be very appealing but I dont act on it, because I know it isnt going to get me anywhere, I know that in the moment it will make me feel better , but that in the long run, I will stay stuck., I will not move forward.

Have you been able to go to meditation?

I started Ashtanga Yoga, I find it empowering.

Just keep trying, go easy on yourself, I believe you will figure out what it is that works for you.

[otterbearcat]

DW,

Also wanted to mention that I havent been offered a drink in over 2 months. I take great pains to stay away from situations where I might be tempted, because I know at this point if someone offered me a beer, its about 70/30 on whether Id say no. 30% chance of me saying yes is way to much of a risk. I had thought about going to a party on the 4th where there would be heavy drinking, the last party I was at with these people I got srsly drunk, which happened every time there was a party at their house, I intended to bring diet coke and then NA beer for back up if I got really tempted. But I didnt go, and Im glad I didnt.

I say this bc perhaps you might increase your chances for success if you make a conscious effort to avoid people and places with alcohol. In reality this may be easier said than done, I understand that.

Again, try not to be so hard on yourself.

[Dee74]

You haven't posted since DW?
I hope you're doing ok

D