A person who blames everything on my addiction - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Katie09 · 07-02-2009, 07:05 PM

How do I fight back? There is only one person who has done this to me, but he is an important person. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, I've been accused of doing things I never did, and I have technology on my side to prove it. He's lied to me as well, and I have technology on my side, yet it never matters. Let's just say, cell phone records don't lie. The only thing I've ever lied about in my life is drinking, for the most part, and I do own that. This person doesn't own anything.

I am in a situation where I really need to stand up for me, yet all is being blamed on alcohol and especially my mental health. How does one fight against someone who works in mental health just to stand up for oneself? This is truly enough to drive me to drink. Yes, I know I have my issues. But others do too. Anyway, I am just upset now over something that happened. I get so tired of having to constantly gauge myself and ask myself... am I being normal here? At least with respect to this one individual.

suki44883 · 07-02-2009, 07:18 PM

Katie, from what you've posted about this person, he doesn't sound like someone who is healthy for you. It's of course your decision, but if someone pushes all my buttons, I remove them from my life. I have enough of my own problems to deal with.

tommyk · 07-02-2009, 07:27 PM

"This is truly enough to drive me to drink."

Yeah? Why's that? The problem isn't big enough already?

Katie09 · 07-02-2009, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by suki44883

Katie, from what you've posted about this person, he doesn't sound like someone who is healthy for you. It's of course your decision, but if someone pushes all my buttons, I remove them from my life. I have enough of my own problems to deal with.

I know, I am just so incredibly hurt and getting blamed for everything doesn't help. I am an easy target, I know. I'll just cut to the chase, as painful as it is. This is the WORST! You know how men can be sensitive about aging and stuff...well, I bought him the "blue pill." Today he told me I can use it with SOMEONE ELSE! I am just crushed and this is not a boon to sobriety.

At the same time, he is blaming everything on my issues. I am sorry, but there is no reason to suggest a person (me) take the blue pill to use with SOMEONE ELSE! So, I am tenuous at best.

FightingIrish · 07-02-2009, 07:44 PM

I'm wondering how (why?) one gets a prescription drug for another person? I would be insulted and disturbed if someone did that.

But I'm not really sure any of this situation makes any sense as it was described.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katie09

I know, I am just so incredibly hurt and getting blamed for everything doesn't help. I am an easy target, I know. I'll just cut to the chase, as painful as it is. This is the WORST! You know how men can be sensitive about aging and stuff...well, I bought him the "blue pill." Today he told me I can use it with SOMEONE ELSE! I am just crushed and this is not a boon to sobriety.

At the same time, he is blaming everything on my issues. I am sorry, but there is no reason to suggest a person (me) take the blue pill to use with SOMEONE ELSE! So, I am tenuous at best.

Lenina · 07-02-2009, 07:46 PM

Katie,

The best way to fight for yourself in this situation is to let this person go. Some relationships are just toxic. Don't feed it. Take care of yourself, honey. Let other people deal with their own problems.

Love,

Lenina

Gypsy Feet · 07-02-2009, 07:47 PM

This is the same guy who you say may or may not be married. Put yourself first Katie. Learn to take care of you. No one else is going to do it.

Go back and read all of your posts about this guy, but read them as if Katie09 was someone new on the forums. What would you tell her?

MycoolFitz · 07-02-2009, 07:51 PM

If you're about to drive yourself to drink take away your keys. Just as we have to begin our sobriety by admitting (and truely accepting) our powerlessness over alcohol we need to admit our powerlessness over others. Once we do we regain power over ourselves. We can't change how others think and feel about what is said and done by others but we can change how we think about things and how we react and interact.

“For practitioners or spiritual warriors—people who have a certain hunger to know what is true—feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
From: When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron.

“Karma is often wrongly confused with the notion of a fixed destiny. It is more like an accumulation of tendencies that can lock us into particular behavior patterns, which themselves result in further accumulations of tendencies of a similar nature…. But it is not necessary to be a prisoner of old karma….Here’s how mindfulness changes karma. When you sit, you are not allowing your impulses to translate into action. For the time being, at least, you are just watching them. Looking at them, you quickly see that all impulses in the mind arise and pass away, that they have a life of their own, that they are not you but just thinking, and that you do not have to be ruled by them. Not feeding or reacting to impulses, you come to understand their nature as thoughts directly. This process actually burns up destructive impulses in the fires of concentration and equanimity and non-doing. At the same time, creative insights and creative impulses are no longer squeezed out so much by the more turbulent, destructive ones. They are nourished as they are perceived and held in awareness.”

–Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

Namaste

FightingIrish · 07-02-2009, 07:55 PM

Shenpa!

serenityqueen · 07-02-2009, 08:00 PM

Since I have been in Recovery, I have found that if a person causes me grief like that, I don't need them in my life. I had enough unhealthy relationships when I was using to last a lifetime and today, I have choices. And I choose not to be around people like this. It's like putting your hand on a hot stove, if you know you're going to get burned, why keep doing it?

I used to think that I didn't deserve to have healthy friendships, relationships. Once I began to work on myself (the Steps) my whole attitude and outlook changed and today, I know I don't deserve to be around people who cause me pain and misery. It was like when I was drinking and using, I kept doing it, even though I knew what the end result was.

Judy

Katie09 · 07-02-2009, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MycoolFitz

If you're about to drive yourself to drink take away your keys. Just as we have to begin our sobriety by admitting (and truely accepting) our powerlessness over alcohol we need to admit our powerlessness over others. Once we do we regain power over ourselves. We can't change how others think and feel about what is said and done by others but we can change how we think about things and how we react and interact.

“For practitioners or spiritual warriors—people who have a certain hunger to know what is true—feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
From: When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron.

“Karma is often wrongly confused with the notion of a fixed destiny. It is more like an accumulation of tendencies that can lock us into particular behavior patterns, which themselves result in further accumulations of tendencies of a similar nature…. But it is not necessary to be a prisoner of old karma….Here’s how mindfulness changes karma. When you sit, you are not allowing your impulses to translate into action. For the time being, at least, you are just watching them. Looking at them, you quickly see that all impulses in the mind arise and pass away, that they have a life of their own, that they are not you but just thinking, and that you do not have to be ruled by them. Not feeding or reacting to impulses, you come to understand their nature as thoughts directly. This process actually burns up destructive impulses in the fires of concentration and equanimity and non-doing. At the same time, creative insights and creative impulses are no longer squeezed out so much by the more turbulent, destructive ones. They are nourished as they are perceived and held in awareness.”

–Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

Namaste

Hmm, I really like this. I am going to pay attention to this. Thanks.

suki44883 · 07-02-2009, 08:05 PM

That sounds familiar...Wherever you go, there you are.

Gypsy Feet · 07-02-2009, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katie09

Hmm, I really like this. I am going to pay attention to this. Thanks.

Sometimes it pays to pay attention to the stuff you don't like so much too.

Katie09 · 07-02-2009, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FightingIrish

I'm wondering how (why?) one gets a prescription drug for another person? I would be insulted and disturbed if someone did that.

But I'm not really sure any of this situation makes any sense as it was described.

He asked me to order it. I have a credit card. So does he, but he is not a computer person. Me being on the Internet all the time, I figured, why not.

joedris · 07-02-2009, 08:11 PM

How do I fight back? There is only one person who has done this to me, but he is an important person. I am in a situation where I really need to stand up for me, yet all is being blamed on alcohol and especially my mental health. How does one fight against someone who works in mental health just to stand up for oneself? ... am I being normal here?

Now let's make sure I've got this right. There is this important person in your life who works in mental health and is blaming the woes of the world on you?
My first question is why is someone who's mentally abusing you day after day important? Why should you have to fight against someone who's making your life miserable?

Katie, this important person is going to ruin your life. Get the hell out of there!
You're living with an irresponsible, immature man who intimidates you because he's in mental health. And I seriously question his mental health, given what's been going on with you two. You need to take care of yourself and he's not going to allow that to happen. To answer your question, YES, you're being normal! You're the only normal person in the relationship!

suki44883 · 07-02-2009, 08:12 PM

So, he asked you to use your credit card and order Viagra for him online and then told you to use them with someone else? That doesn't even make any sense.

**Dee74** · 07-02-2009, 08:13 PM

Quote:

I am in a situation where I really need to stand up for me, yet all is being blamed on alcohol and especially my mental health. How does one fight against someone who works in mental health just to stand up for oneself? This is truly enough to drive me to drink.Yes, I know I have my issues. But others do too.

Don't fight Katie - the only issues you can do ANYTHING about are your own. They're the ones you should be dealing with and focusing on, not his.

You NEED to focus.

You've posted enough about this person - if the relationship is driving you to drink - and you've said this one has repeatedly...then it's time to let go, Katie. Like others have said this latest episode doesn't even make sense.

Let go. Its the healthy responsible adult thing to do.

Don't listen to the voice that says this is your 'last chance' romantically. Noone knows tomorrow - and frankly romance should be a distant #2 right now.

You deserve better - you certainly deserve healthier.

D

Katie09 · 07-02-2009, 08:17 PM

[QUOTE=joedris;2283927]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katie09

How do I fight back? There is only one person who has done this to me, but he is an important person.

I am in a situation where I really need to stand up for me, yet all is being blamed on alcohol and especially my mental health. How does one fight against someone who works in mental health just to stand up for oneself? am I being normal here?

Now let's make sure I've got this right. There is this important person in your life who works in mental health and is blaming the woes of the world on you?
My first question is why is someone who's mentally abusing you day after day important? Why should you have to fight against someone who's making your life miserable?

Katie, this important person is going to ruin your life. Get the hell out of there!
You're living with an irresponsible, immature man who intimidates you because he's in mental health. And I seriously question his mental health, given what's been going on with you two. You need to take care of yourself and he's not going to allow that to happen. To answer your question, YES, you're being normal! You're the only normal person in the relationship!

Thank you, I've been HEARD! Sometimes that is all it takes. Yes, I am out. I don't want to walk away silently, but I might.

suki44883 · 07-02-2009, 08:17 PM

Romance is a great big pain in the buttocks a good deal of the time anyway. Take care of yourself and let him worry about his own problems.

Katie09 · 07-02-2009, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by suki44883

So, he asked you to use your credit card and order Viagra for him online and then told you to use them with someone else? That doesn't even make any sense.

Welcome to my world - me the trying to recover alcoholic bipolar person with the perfect version of mental health.

seemethrough · 07-02-2009, 11:37 PM

I have seen you go back and forth about this guy too many times to count on these boards. So, maybe he is blaming your addiction for everything, yet you continue to put yourself in that position. Maybe it's time to take responsibility for your own life and actions instead of constantly looking for things and towards people that aren't doing anything but adding more drama to the never ending drama.

Lenina · 07-03-2009, 12:15 AM

Katie,

By walking away "silently" you are doing the best thing for yourself. What is the point in engaging with this man at all? Does he deserve your time and attention? I've learned there's much more to valor and honor than fighting. You'll have some dignity by walking away.

Love,

Lenina

Katie09 · 07-03-2009, 05:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lenina

Katie,

By walking away "silently" you are doing the best thing for yourself. What is the point in engaging with this man at all? Does he deserve your time and attention? I've learned there's much more to valor and honor than fighting. You'll have some dignity by walking away.

Love,

Lenina

Yes, Lenina, thanks. I am an insomniac and tonight is no different. I did sleep for a few hours, Lunesta induced, and woke up with a change of heart. I will walk away quietly, as the alternative is just psycho. Yeah, I am hurt, and it's hard to describe what it's like to be taunted and blamed by someone in the mental health field as he is for my issues, so I won't even try. Sigh. Tomorrow (today) is a new day.

At any rate, I so do appreciate all of your help.

Waterman · 07-03-2009, 07:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MycoolFitz

If you're about to drive yourself to drink take away your keys. Just as we have to begin our sobriety by admitting (and truely accepting) our powerlessness over alcohol we need to admit our powerlessness over others. Once we do we regain power over ourselves. We can't change how others think and feel about what is said and done by others but we can change how we think about things and how we react and interact.

“For practitioners or spiritual warriors—people who have a certain hunger to know what is true—feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
From: When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron.

“Karma is often wrongly confused with the notion of a fixed destiny. It is more like an accumulation of tendencies that can lock us into particular behavior patterns, which themselves result in further accumulations of tendencies of a similar nature…. But it is not necessary to be a prisoner of old karma….Here’s how mindfulness changes karma. When you sit, you are not allowing your impulses to translate into action. For the time being, at least, you are just watching them. Looking at them, you quickly see that all impulses in the mind arise and pass away, that they have a life of their own, that they are not you but just thinking, and that you do not have to be ruled by them. Not feeding or reacting to impulses, you come to understand their nature as thoughts directly. This process actually burns up destructive impulses in the fires of concentration and equanimity and non-doing. At the same time, creative insights and creative impulses are no longer squeezed out so much by the more turbulent, destructive ones. They are nourished as they are perceived and held in awareness.”

–Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

Namaste

Hey, This is a very powerful and accurate post!

smacked · 07-03-2009, 09:14 AM

I'm a pretty big believer in the fact that we often teach people how to treat us.

Also, from reading your posts.. I don't know that HE is the only person in the room with you that blames your addiction/mental health on most things.

I hope you take care of yourself.. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

07-02-2009, 07:05 PM	#1 (permalink)
Katie09 Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 1,145	A person who blames everything on my addiction How do I fight back? There is only one person who has done this to me, but he is an important person. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, I've been accused of doing things I never did, and I have technology on my side to prove it. He's lied to me as well, and I have technology on my side, yet it never matters. Let's just say, cell phone records don't lie. The only thing I've ever lied about in my life is drinking, for the most part, and I do own that. This person doesn't own anything. I am in a situation where I really need to stand up for me, yet all is being blamed on alcohol and especially my mental health. How does one fight against someone who works in mental health just to stand up for oneself? This is truly enough to drive me to drink. Yes, I know I have my issues. But others do too. Anyway, I am just upset now over something that happened. I get so tired of having to constantly gauge myself and ask myself... am I being normal here? At least with respect to this one individual.

07-02-2009, 07:18 PM	#2 (permalink)
suki44883 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 2,642	Katie, from what you've posted about this person, he doesn't sound like someone who is healthy for you. It's of course your decision, but if someone pushes all my buttons, I remove them from my life. I have enough of my own problems to deal with. __________________ When the power of love rises above the love of power, then the world will know peace. -Jimi Hendrix

07-02-2009, 07:47 PM	#7 (permalink)
Gypsy Feet mergirl Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: heading back out to sea Posts: 2,277 Blog Entries: 4	This is the same guy who you say may or may not be married. Put yourself first Katie. Learn to take care of you. No one else is going to do it. Go back and read all of your posts about this guy, but read them as if Katie09 was someone new on the forums. What would you tell her? __________________ ~Lisa~ ban the deed, not the breed~ last drink 12/27/08 <3 (its a sideways heart!)

07-02-2009, 07:55 PM	#9 (permalink)
FightingIrish problem with authority Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: ny Posts: 868	Shenpa! __________________ "Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."

07-02-2009, 08:00 PM	#10 (permalink)
serenityqueen Attitude of Gratitude Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Dayton, Ohio Posts: 2,171	Since I have been in Recovery, I have found that if a person causes me grief like that, I don't need them in my life. I had enough unhealthy relationships when I was using to last a lifetime and today, I have choices. And I choose not to be around people like this. It's like putting your hand on a hot stove, if you know you're going to get burned, why keep doing it? I used to think that I didn't deserve to have healthy friendships, relationships. Once I began to work on myself (the Steps) my whole attitude and outlook changed and today, I know I don't deserve to be around people who cause me pain and misery. It was like when I was drinking and using, I kept doing it, even though I knew what the end result was. Judy __________________ Doing a Happy Dance in Recovery!

07-02-2009, 07:27 PM	#3 (permalink)
tommyk www.youtube.com/teekmusic Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 2,955	"This is truly enough to drive me to drink." Yeah? Why's that? The problem isn't big enough already?

07-02-2009, 07:46 PM	#6 (permalink)
Lenina Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Los Angeles, California Posts: 1,353	Katie, The best way to fight for yourself in this situation is to let this person go. Some relationships are just toxic. Don't feed it. Take care of yourself, honey. Let other people deal with their own problems. Love, Lenina

07-02-2009, 07:51 PM	#8 (permalink)
MycoolFitz Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Here, Now Posts: 450	If you're about to drive yourself to drink take away your keys. Just as we have to begin our sobriety by admitting (and truely accepting) our powerlessness over alcohol we need to admit our powerlessness over others. Once we do we regain power over ourselves. We can't change how others think and feel about what is said and done by others but we can change how we think about things and how we react and interact. “For practitioners or spiritual warriors—people who have a certain hunger to know what is true—feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.” From: When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron. “Karma is often wrongly confused with the notion of a fixed destiny. It is more like an accumulation of tendencies that can lock us into particular behavior patterns, which themselves result in further accumulations of tendencies of a similar nature…. But it is not necessary to be a prisoner of old karma….Here’s how mindfulness changes karma. When you sit, you are not allowing your impulses to translate into action. For the time being, at least, you are just watching them. Looking at them, you quickly see that all impulses in the mind arise and pass away, that they have a life of their own, that they are not you but just thinking, and that you do not have to be ruled by them. Not feeding or reacting to impulses, you come to understand their nature as thoughts directly. This process actually burns up destructive impulses in the fires of concentration and equanimity and non-doing. At the same time, creative insights and creative impulses are no longer squeezed out so much by the more turbulent, destructive ones. They are nourished as they are perceived and held in awareness.” –Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are Namaste

07-02-2009, 08:05 PM	#12 (permalink)
suki44883 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 2,642	That sounds familiar...Wherever you go, there you are. __________________ When the power of love rises above the love of power, then the world will know peace. -Jimi Hendrix

07-02-2009, 08:11 PM	#15 (permalink)
joedris Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Virginia Posts: 672	How do I fight back? There is only one person who has done this to me, but he is an important person. I am in a situation where I really need to stand up for me, yet all is being blamed on alcohol and especially my mental health. How does one fight against someone who works in mental health just to stand up for oneself? ... am I being normal here? Now let's make sure I've got this right. There is this important person in your life who works in mental health and is blaming the woes of the world on you? My first question is why is someone who's mentally abusing you day after day important? Why should you have to fight against someone who's making your life miserable? Katie, this important person is going to ruin your life. Get the hell out of there! You're living with an irresponsible, immature man who intimidates you because he's in mental health. And I seriously question his mental health, given what's been going on with you two. You need to take care of yourself and he's not going to allow that to happen. To answer your question, YES, you're being normal! You're the only normal person in the relationship! __________________ God, Please set aside all I think I know about myself, my disease, the Big Book, the 12 Steps, the Program, the people in the fellowship, spiritual terms, and especially about you God so I may have an open mind and a new experience with these things. Amen

07-02-2009, 08:12 PM	#16 (permalink)
suki44883 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 2,642	So, he asked you to use your credit card and order Viagra for him online and then told you to use them with someone else? That doesn't even make any sense. __________________ When the power of love rises above the love of power, then the world will know peace. -Jimi Hendrix

07-02-2009, 08:17 PM	#19 (permalink)
suki44883 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 2,642	Romance is a great big pain in the buttocks a good deal of the time anyway. Take care of yourself and let him worry about his own problems. __________________ When the power of love rises above the love of power, then the world will know peace. -Jimi Hendrix

07-02-2009, 11:37 PM	#21 (permalink)
seemethrough I'm just a girl Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 170 Blog Entries: 1	I have seen you go back and forth about this guy too many times to count on these boards. So, maybe he is blaming your addiction for everything, yet you continue to put yourself in that position. Maybe it's time to take responsibility for your own life and actions instead of constantly looking for things and towards people that aren't doing anything but adding more drama to the never ending drama. __________________ Courage is having the strength to say, "I will try again." There is hope for me yet.. "Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?"

07-03-2009, 12:15 AM	#22 (permalink)
Lenina Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Los Angeles, California Posts: 1,353	Katie, By walking away "silently" you are doing the best thing for yourself. What is the point in engaging with this man at all? Does he deserve your time and attention? I've learned there's much more to valor and honor than fighting. You'll have some dignity by walking away. Love, Lenina

07-03-2009, 09:14 AM	#25 (permalink)
smacked Heathen Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: La La Land Posts: 1,254	I'm a pretty big believer in the fact that we often teach people how to treat us. Also, from reading your posts.. I don't know that HE is the only person in the room with you that blames your addiction/mental health on most things. I hope you take care of yourself.. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

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