Having trouble staying away from my old life.

[starfieldroad]

I have 6 months and 5 days clean and sober. I have an awesome sponsor, I'm working a program (I'm about to do my 5th step), and I have a solid relationship with my higher power. The trouble is, I am having a really hard time as of late staying away from the party scene and my old friends who drink. I'm 22, so when I am around my peers who are not in the program (which is sort of unavoidable since I live in a college town), there is a lot of alcohol and pot use. I have some really great friends in the bunch who I love and cherish and I can't imagine not seeing every few days, who are very supportive/respectful of my sobriety-- the problem is, they often are hanging out places where drinking/using is going on. I try really hard to stay away from parties and large gatherings because crowds make me nervous, and parties are obviously not good for my recovery, but somehow I always end up gravitating towards them. I don't know if I'm testing myself, or if I'm afraid of being alone, to absorb the drunk out of control energy, or if I'm surrounding myself with screwed up people so that I can cherish my own screwed-up-ness (out of the fear of being boring). I've heard all the sayings -- "if you hang around the barber shop long enough, you're gonna get a hair cut", etc. I know that the Big Book says to assess if you're spiritually fit to go places where there is alcohol/drug use, and to examine your reasons for being there. My friends have long been a sort of family to me, and I don't want to give that up-- but I also don't want to drink anymore. I am not the sort of person that easily lets things go, and I can't even imagine telling someone I love that I can't be their friend anymore. Simple, but not easy-- excruciating, actually. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't know why I'm writing this here, I guess I can't really say these things out loud yet. That sense of impending doom that I felt really early in sobriety is coming back... I know it will pass, but the realness of everything just sort of hits me sometimes and I still don't know what to do with it.

[AcceptingChange]

hi starfieldroad,
Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us.

Your struggle is a difficult one. The party is sometimes fun. The people are sometimes warm. And if the chemical dosage is perfectly administered, if the people around you are the ones you want to be around most, and if the music is just right, then yes, the spark lights the fire, and you find yourself enjoying the bar scene. The alcohol provided a solution to discomfort that 1 hour previously you felt confused and overwhelmed in. There is no disputing that.

The problem is, at what cost does all this occur?

You said "I try really hard to stay away from parties and large gatherings because crowds make me nervous".
Me too. I was never at ease in crowds.
So, i achieved my ease through drinking.

But, i didn't stop at two like many of the people i knew. I loved the new perfect me that drinking turned me into. And i hated losing the perfect me as the alcohol vaporized, so i poured some more down.
And the basis for my serious alcohol addiction was layed.
And the next morning, the perfect me i imagined was now less perfect than before, because i got too relaxed,
made inappropriate jokes, and crossed the lines that sobriety kept me aware of and alcohol blurred.


So, you're looking at the bar on friday nite, saturday nite, and it looks fun. Yep, that's true. But it's only fun for you if you're drinking. cuz you don't like crowds, and crowds make you nervous. Your only option is to calm your nerves with the poison that you can't control.
--
Here's a way to have the fun and stay sober.
you need to learn the techniques on how to mingle, how to be in the crowd.

You can approach being in a crowd like being in a play on a stage. Each person has cues and on cue they respond with some lines. After a few lines, it's a signal for the other person to speak. After a while of doing this with one person, you make your way over to other people, and do the same.

I learned this by reading the books on Amazon about interacting with strangers, learning how to mingle, learning how to make small talk. And it works.
To me it sounded phony, corny, two dimensional. But, i had to make some change, cuz if I don't make a change then I won't change.
And my crowd phobia was high too. and my reliance on alcohol created much more serious problems in my life, so that was no longer an option for me.

So when i go in a party, instead of feeling overwhelmed by all the people, and confused on how to act and what to say and who to say it to,
i learned some ways to handle myself in that situation. And since my mind now has some techniques to use, i don't feel so overwhelmed.
and, most important, i don't rely solely on alcohol as my means of social interaction. Cuz that method is for beginner's only.

Stay away from false solutions to problems that will soon go away as your life changes and you graduate from college. I wish i would have figured out how not to find confidence in alcohol at a much younger age than i did.
Good luck.

[yeahgr8]

Wow that is difficult especially as you are so young! Well done for not wasting a decade plus of your life waiting to deal with your alcoholism, maximum respect to you! It was easier for me as i am 37 and all it took was a move from one country to another and telling all my old friends to get to f*** in a way that i could never take back and to distance myself through many kms from my family. I am certain you will get through this and make new friends who are either sober or drink in total moderation. I went out last week to a leaving do at my company and we were out for about 3 hours in this fun wine bar, in that time 10 people drunk 4 bottles of champagne, i bought the 4th bottle to cries of 'should we that will be 4 bottles, oh my', i said 'dude if i was drinking we would have hit 7 by now don't worry'...so i sat with my diet coke and a cigarette and had the best night i have had in years! All my old 'friends' would have taken the **** out of these sort of people saying that they could simply not bear to go to these functions and could not wait to get out and get some proper drinking done! Well f*** that!

Anyways point is i would rather hang around with these 'normal people' anyday over the people i used to hang with...gonna give it a year (5 months sober now) until i start dating again but it will be so cool to be with someone who doesn't have to constantly deal with my drinking and the emotional rollercoaster that goes with it. Apparently these people like to go to the cinema, concerts, theatre, walks, round friends houses for dinner, holidays to see more than the hotel bar etc...it's a whole new world and really exciting. It's not my phrase, but stay away from TOXIC people like you are the only ripe and healthy apple in the barrel, the rotten ones around you will eventually make you sick too.

Well done again on your sobriety, you are doing what i never could at your age, spot on, stay strong you know it's worth it (understatement i know)!

Oh by the way i don't know if you read, but a great book to get is under the influence by james r milam and katherine kethcham, wish someone had recommended this to me many years ago, really a good read on alcoholism:-)

[CarolD]

Congratulations on your clean and sober time....

You may notice...as I did...that your choice for a healthy
positive future will impact on friendships with drinkers

I quit accepting invitations from friends who drank.
It made me antsy to be around them and it was
boring to watch them slide into drunk..

When I told my drinking friends I was committing to
a new lifestyle with AA....now keeping my apartment an
alcohol free zone.....many drifted away.

Yes..they were glad I was sober....however
we really had little in common without alcohol.

That's why my new AA friends and our
activities were vital for me.

Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum...

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Do attend a church service at home? If you do, try and find a group of what ever faith you are and do social activities with them.

Welcome to the world of higher education. I seemed to be able to attract in college, the same type of people I partied with in h.s.

At least, you are trying to make yourself a better person at a younger age.

It's hard to say no. Real hard to take a stance when, you're younger.

I partied my way out of college my jr. year at a Christian college.

Do what ever you have to, to get your education. You have to get a degree to have any chance at life these days. Or, you'll end up in a dead end job

[Freedom1990]

I threw away a scholarship and a college education over my alcoholism/addictions.

I did make some friends the short time that I was there.

The bottom line was none of those people were there years later when I was literally dying of my disease.

I can appreciate how difficult it is in a party atmosphere like college can be.

However, it is your life that is on the line.

I am one of those who learned the hard way that if you do go to the barbershop often enough, you will get a haircut. I threw away 4 years of sobriety over that one and numerous other issues.

[jimhere]

Remember the movie "The Fight Club?"

Brad Pitt is talking to his alter-ego. played by himself. His other self is bragging about his sarcastic wit, to which Brad Pitt asks his other self, "How's that working for you?"

Just do what you until you can't anymore and it doesn't work anymore. Then you will want to change. But you can't change by thinking about or wishing for it to change.

Wiilingness=Action=Change.
Jim

[bob_sapp]

I too am in university and in a college town and getting pissed at the bar seems to be the be-all and end-all of life here. I am one of few people here who can honestly say they have been where you are. The first 6 months or so, I still hung around with a lot of people boozing and doing drugs. At 3 years, I can say there's maybe 1 who I still talk to and hang out with, and some I will just casually see on the occasions I am out with him. As you get older people's lives get eaten up by work and relationships so there isn't much time to hang out with friends, and if they want to be getting pissed and doing drugs are you really going to fit in with that crowd anymore?

I am not suggesting you off your friends completely, but I have seen time and time again people like us who go back because they couldn't change their friends. Some drinking friendships are pretty tight, and even if you are sober and they are still active you can be friends for a very long time. If you keep growing in sobriety, you will probably want more out of your social life than being sober at pissfests with your old friends. Nothing wrong with being sober at a function involving drinking, but I draw the line when the focus of the gathering is getting loaded.

I have a friend the same age as me who is out there right now, bankrupt, drunk and high with a broken jaw who *had* 1 year of sobriety and was basically where you were, in addition to many other under 30's who are either out right now, or kept going back out.

If you can find hobbies you really care about or are interested in church I would suggest getting into those things now, as it will make life easier on your when you do outgrow your drinking buddies.

[starfieldroad]

thank you so much to everyone for your thoughts-- i am so grateful for the program and people in it. i talked to my sponsor and she's more concerned with me getting some solid relationships with sober people than complete avoidance of my old friends. i think she's right... now i just gotta pick up the phone, that's the hard part.

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by starfieldroad

thank you so much to everyone for your thoughts-- i am so grateful for the program and people in it. i talked to my sponsor and she's more concerned with me getting some solid relationships with sober people than complete avoidance of my old friends. i think she's right... now i just gotta pick up the phone, that's the hard part.

Sometimes that phone can weigh a 100 pounds, I swear!

Good for you in reaching out and talking about this. :ghug :ghug