ControlledOne

Hi everyone,

My fingers are still trembling after a wicked weekend of binge drinking. The stench of wine won't leave me today even though I haven't drank any today.

I started on Friday and ended late last night. I had a company party that my significant other had to take me out of or else I would have lost my job. Later on that night I had my neighbor come over - I'm horrified as to what our discussion was about. I vommitted red wine all over our leather couch and white carpet. Somehow I managed to break the washing machine as I was trying to clean everything up. The remnants of the disaster won't leave until we get a new carpet.

To keep the 'pain' away I downed 2 bottles of wine on Sunday and tried to keep it hidden. When my pregnant wife found out she poured all the liquor in the house down the drain. My little girl was screaming and wondering why Daddy wasn't talking to her. It was because Daddy couldn't talk. Later on I walked down to a local bar and continued to drink with some strangers that lived in the area. I lied about what I did and where I went to school etc.

After I came home, I passed out in the guest bedroom for the 2nd night in a row. Today, I have the worst acid reflux and can barely swallow water, but I am forcing myself to. What's scary is that a few weeks ago I went on a bender and drove through some dark windy roads to get home. I was supposed to be on a plane yesterday, but couldn't get to the airport because I was wasted.

I shouldn't be alive, but I am and looking to end it for good this time. I've passively observed this site for a while, I am committed to change though, that's why I'm finally posting. Alcohol is absolutely tearing me and the people around me apart. I've resisted AA but have talked to a psychologist in the past. I quit for a year when my daughter was born, but started again 2 years ago at a friend's wedding. Sorry for dumping this out, but I really could use a hand and some advice. Thank you all for your support.

CarolD

Welcome...

Big mess for sure...and Yes! it's wise to quit.

Why not have an honest talk with your doctor
about how you are binge drinking

Please do read the top sticky post
for information

I'm glad you posted....Blessings to you and your family

HideorSeek

Hi CO. You did it b4 (when your child was born), you can do it again, if you are willing. Keep posting and ask for help here. You won't be disappointed.

yeahgr8

Welcome man!

I went through this sort of binge drinking for years and gave up for several reasons at several stages. For me it eventually turned into drinking everyday for the last couple of years. I am 9 weeks sober, which considering I am 37 and you sound a lot younger, is in itself a miracle lol

I was going to say goodnight as it was a living hell and I'd had enough, I'd gone through the usual bs of saying to myself if i have one more drink i am going to end it, and then end up being drunk a few days later and not ending it which made me feel even worse.

I went to a counseller, found her on the internet as i live in Spain and needed an english speaking one, told her all about it and then when i saw the psychiatrist i was prescribed anti depressants and antabuse which i am still taking 9 weeks sober time later. I had been to psychologists before and thought it was all a load of rubbish and i also thought that taking medication was for wimps but given the fact that i had kind of worked out a plan to end it all i thought what the hell and i am glad i did!

Anyways i would go to counseller, do what they say, go to AA which they will suggest, although i havent gone to AA yet as i am enjoying my new found stability i will be going next month as i know that if i just stop drinking and do not get a life plan together i will just be a dry drunk which basically means i will have given up drinking not changed my life at all and will end up having lots of time on my hands to think about the drink i am not drinking, if you see what i mean.

It scares the crap out of me when i think about potentially going back to 9 weeks ago and i really hope you are at that stage where you are really willing to do something different this time to change your future and dont wait as long as i did (not that i regret that i waited to long but i dont have kids and it will suck if they have to suffer along with you in my humble opinion).

You can go to the docs if you want but what is he going to tell you? Stop drinking and go to counselling? If you can afford it find your own counseller as the ones the docs referred me to weren't much good at all, but that is only my experience.

Keep posting, reading and really sincerely i am telling you that you can get better but you need to accept that you have a problem you can't solve yourself and be prepared to do things you might not want to do, like me going to group session once a week with me being the only guy and 6 women, how embarassing is that but i still go!!!

good luck mate:-)

CAPTAINZING2000

ouch

What you posted, I've done or listened to the same story by someone else in an AA meeting.

You sound like, you're horrified by, what you have done.

Most everyone on here can relate to what, you've just written.


There comes a time for a person with a drinking problem where, it's no longer fun. We cross over the line and the results are horrifying in the end.

Took me a long time to figure this out, drinking without having any consequences over my drinking.

In the end it seemed, there were always regrets and I'm sorry to everyone that, was involved in my life.

It'll continue to get worse.

Sad but, most of the time, alcohol destroys us before, it finally kills us.

ControlledOne

for listening and for the support. I called a conselor today, but he does not tkae my insurance, so I will keep looking. Got outside, shoveled some snow and am going to go to the grocery store with the fam. Still can't swallow, which isn't fun, but it's a good reminder that this has to stop. Also can't nap because I wake up in a panic everytime I doze off.

Thanks yeahgr8 for the advice on doing what seems too hard to do. I am extremely embarassed at my behavior and know that I have to utilize all my tools to beat this thing. I'm 35 and going to be a Dad again in 6 months. I feel like I have to do this for myself otherwise it won't work, but having two little ones and a wife to care for sure provides some additional motivation.

I will definitely keep posting and let everyone know how it's going. It's so nice to have this place to go to with so many friendly people. Who knows, maybe one day I can help someone out too.

Pam08

Welcome to SR. so glad you have come here. you have alot of support here. Binge drinking, my specialty, I think I binged because if I drank daily like I did, I would most likely not be here today..it would have already killed me.

You have chosen to stop the insanity, and save your life. I can connect with alot of what you said. Drinking episodes get worse and worse, they never get better...it will attack us til we die from it.

I have insurance that I had to find counselors that were in their system..so call your ins. company or probably can look it up online and get the list of counselors they cover.

AA is saving my life, and keeping me sober. I would be drinking today if I didn't go to AA, get a sponsor and start the steps. I have connected with my higher power. ....The meetings which I go to 1-2 times a day give me strength to get thru that day.

Good luck and stay strong. you can make it....One day at a time, and sometimes it is one minute at a time..

bstt03

Welcome CO. stay close, post and read often. Its saved me many a times. Just today i was thinking how it may be tough to get through the holidays, but then I read a post like yours and I think hey wait, I don't want to do that anymore. I can so relate to a lot of what you are going through and it is scary. We are all so alike in our addiction. When I read a story like yours it could be me writing it. Except for the red wine part. But we are all here with a common goal - sobriety. And I am glad you found us! When you start to feel better and clearer and not hungover, etc. just hold onto how that feels. I wake up sometimes in the am and I am sure to just really think for a minute how good I feel. And I try and keep that when I want a drink. :ghug2

jh1

Man CO good call posting, I just did also last week. I really hated the acid refux I got it a ton the first few days-so annoying, and the too much anxiety too really fall asleep im sure many here can relate too. The good thing you have on your side is a family with you there everyday-it really is a constant reminder to get your head out of your arse. As you said you've done it before, I'm sure you can do it again. Ill be tryin my for my first time and am somewhat confident because of stories like yours, people who can do it. GL man

BigB4Sobriety78

I remember day 1. I was staying at my grandmothers house, because it was a safe place to be. I was pretty sick, the night before I had to go to the hospital because I had a cocktail of wine and drugs in me so the withdraw was pretty hard (I had to take xanax for the withdraws because I have epilepsy). My dad who is a recovering alcoholic himself really helped me and I made it. It's very hard but you can do it, I will pray for you.

Rimmy

Hope you get to where you are feeling human again soon. I can not stand those "detox" from a binge weekend feelings. But you can end this. Just remember when you are feeling better physically and emotionally that a drink is not a good idea. Our minds tend to forget the horrible things we do to ourselves, so stay close to the forum and I hope you find a counselor to speak with.

Tazman53

Glad to see that you are aware that you need to stop for your self, that is key, stopping for someone else can wind up with one having a resentment against the person they are stopping for.

It sounds as though you are at a turning point in your life, right now you are being HONEST with yourself which is crucial to finding a solution for drinking.

Now take that HONESTY and run with it!!!! First run to a doctor and be totally HONEST with the doc about your drinking....... Follow your doctors advice.

As you can already see you are not alone!!!! I would suggest going to AA meetings, this will let you know that you are not alone where you live, living in Portland I can assure you that you are far from alone in your drinking problem.

When you go to those meetings you do not have to say a single word unless you want to. Just take a seat in the back and listen..... As you listen be HONEST with your self and you will be able to relate to many things others say there. In the meetings you will find people who used to drink just like you, some that drank more and others that drank less, but you will find a common thread, you will find Experience, Strength, & Hope that if you do like these folks have done you too can stay sober and be happy doing it.

ControlledOne

Good morning all,

I'm on Day 2 today. Thanks for the continued great advice. I had a long conversation last night with my wife about quitting and she is very supportive of me quitting. I guess there's a part of me that wishes that I wasn't "broken" but my body cannot handle alcohol, period. I'm going to find a counselor and go to the doctor. Like a lot of people here, the meetings are a bit more frightening, but I am at a point where I am willing to give it a try.

Still have some withdrawal symptoms. No more shaking, still some swelling and my esophagus is burning. Better today than yesterday. I haven't had my typical 'night soaking' yet, I suspect that will happen tonight, but that usually ends it. Will keep you posted on progress/change. Thank you so much for listening.

Brandeeno

Your story sounds like a typical binge weekend at my house. I guess I'm glad not to have a wife and even more glad my daughter lives with her.

The "dark windy drive after a bender" statement you made really hit home. I live in Oklahoma where the majority of the highways don't have shoulders or reflectors so I just wake up in the morning sometimes after a blackout thankful I'm alive first of all, not in jail second of all, and glad I've been given another chance.

The redwine on the white carpet and breaking the washing machine while cleaning it is up is both comical, embarrassing, insulting and pathetic...............but I've been there and done it all Bro.

My latest crazy episode dealt with me waking up in my dog's doghouse one morning............don't even ask

Good luck to you bro

TheBCKid

My latest crazy episode dealt with me waking up in my dog's doghouse one morning............don't even ask"

do tell.

ControlledOne

Hi all,

Just an update from my end...

Made it through Xmas at the in laws without incident. I'm finding it not so bad to not drink but get very uncomfortable when people start talking about drinking/"break out the drinks". After that period I'm OK, but it's that initial discussion that I feel weird about. Anyone else feel that way?

15 Days down!

sailorjohn

welcome!!!!

Someone who's written a few books on the subject made the comment that countless people visit the psychologist/psychiatrist in a vain attempt to get at the root of their problems and end up drinking themselves to death anyways. My advice would be to swallow your pride and get your a** to an AA meeting. Good Luck.

mikel60

Hi CO,
I can't really relate to feeling weird about the "breaking out the drinks" discussions. When I was just quitting, the last thing anyone would suggest to me was having a drink. They didn't want to have to deal with me after I'd had a few shots. My reputation preceded me.

Good to see that you're still not drinking. AA was really helpful to me in the earlygoing - and still is. I didn't want to go - that stuff was for drunks like my kid brother - but I took Sailor John's advice (or someone like him) and went. It's changed my life.

Good luck and don't drink!
Mike