Infidelity

[lolobug3]

Questions.......does drinking make infidelity easier because the alcholic is drunk/drinking at the time. Does alcoholism and infidelity come hand in hand? I know that I have heard alot of alcoholics say that if they hand't been active at the time, they never would have cheated as they could never do something like that to their spouse sober. Is this stuff true? Thanks LoLobug

[LettingGo]

Hi Lolo,

I know when I was drinking my wild self would come out. I believe cheating is the worst thing, but when I drank my inhibitions flew out the window for sure. I never did drink but it was not far off. I think that people are definitley more likley to cheat if they are drinking rather than not, at least based on my experience.

LG

[Peter]

Alcohol seriously impairs my judgement and have caused me to behave in ways that was very hurtful to others.

I have done things under the influence of alcohol that I would not have done had I been sober.

However having acted in ways that were inappropriate did not mean that i somehow did not have some inkling of how my behaviour would affect me and other people.....rather what seemed to have been missing is any regard whatsover for the consequences and repercussions of my actions.

In other words it was not so much that I did not know what I was doing......but rather I did not care.....

[MootPoint]

I second what Peter said.

I knew what I was doing, but I didn't care. Then I sobered up and wished I'd never been born.

[LettingGo]

I read my reply and meant to say never did cheat, not drink!

[1_day@_a_time]

but that was a cool Freudian slip.....LOL! !

Something I would have done............Tom

[Chy]

and I 3rd what Moot said!

[EndOfRoadWife]

That's what I am scared of is infidelity since my husband goes on drinking binges and stays out all night...Shuts his cellphone off because I call and scream at him and I have no idea where he sleeps except for where he tells me the next day. I cannot take this anymore. We have 2 previous girls that we both love so much, but I am at my wit's end that I feel like admitting myself for therapy because I can't take it anymore...I can't take the sleepless night and the wild roller coaster ride that I've been on...Helpless.....I made him an appointment for an evaluation for this Friday...I will have to see if he goes, but he lets me down so much.

[Ann]

Endofroadwife

I just want to welcome you as a newcomer and hope you find the strength and support that has set many of us back on a path to recovery. The Al-Anon and Nar-Anon forums have a large group of wonderful people just like you (and me LOL) and I invite you to feel free to join us there as well to share your experience, strength and hope.

Hugs
Ann

[Chy]

End,
Please do something good for youself, visit the alanon boards, think about a meeting. I am praying for you and you pray for you! You don't deserve this rollercoaster ride!

[EndOfRoadWife]

Ann and Chy,

Thank you so much for your support. I just discovered this website yesterday and plan on coming here for support..I even e-mailed the site to my husband. I scheduled my first appointment for counseling this monday august 11th...I have always felt like such a strong person that I would never allow anyone to do this to me...That is why I get so mad at myself for fighting with him about his binges and staying out and then weeks later, I start to get along and then he does it again..It is such an endless cycle...I need to find that strength within...My dad was an alcoholic and died at 43 due to diabetes, (which I'm sure alcohol played a role)..that's why it's so ironic that my husband has a problem also...It's a shame how they cause so much damage to themselves, families, etc....all for the beer....I hope I can get him the help before it's too late...It was too late for my dad once he quit because the diabetes got too bad by then...I have to realize that I can't help him...He has to help himself..I can only give him the information out there and support to get help. That is one thing I learned on here yesterday is we cannot control the situation. We can't change them..I hate not being "in control"....I would rather me be the one with the illness because I feel I could trust myself to get myself the help rather than wait for him to disappoint me again...Thanks for listening!!!!!!!

[1_day@_a_time]

Letting Go


To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off; it is the realization that I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another; I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.


Perhaps it is letting go of a child or spouse, or a burden or sorrow, losing a loved one, or learning to live with a situation, which we just cannot change. Read this over, study it, pray for it, work the 12 steps, and you will find that letting go of your load will release a peace within you which will allow your spirit to soar..…to be free. Give it completely to God and let a work be done within you…where the need is anyway.

[EndOfRoadWife]

Thank you! That is excellent! I am printing it off and putting it on my refrigerator for myself to read...

[Chy]

End,
I hope the counseling goes well for you. It is obvious to me your a very strong and loving lady, so I hope you will get the support you so deserve. Glad you emailed to hubby, maybe it'll get him thinking! (After he is done being angry you did! )

[Evie]

End,
I am at the end of my rope with my ABF/ best friend. Almost similar reasons. I have 2 little boys in the middle of it all. Been going to Alanon regularly, reading lots, reading posts on getting themsober. com, read the GTS books, read Under the Influence by James Milam (gave a copy to him with AA mtg. lit. ..... and yep, he read it ). Been a long hard road with alot of tears but I am feeling better every day.... despite my ABF now on his own with his disease and no crystal ball to tell me if he will ever take action.

Question: Being new to this board, does giving them this lit. & info., and a thorough low key confrontation of all the facts as it applies to them one time (genetics, physical problems, psychological problems, drinking history, patterns, blackouts, etc.) truly help? Does it scare one with A'ism enough to plant the seeds that might take root one day? Yep, it made him mad. Despite several sincere conversations afterward with many questions answered and no action , I stopped the relationship...heartbroken of course, as is he.... and now drinking harder than ever. Did I dent his DENIAL at all? I hate this disease!!!

EH

[1_day@_a_time]

only help if he is really, really, ready.

A person must hit their bottom. Everybodys bottom is different. Some have to lose it all, some don't.

Being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Pray for him, and realize that YOU can only do so much.

Take Care of YOU. Keep doing your part, and let us know how you are doing.

Tom

[Ninerfan]

To Evie, nothing seemed to work for me until I had lost just enough. I can recall vague warnings from friends and family about my drinking but I totally blew that off. I had to lose some more. I had to convince myself that I was powerless over that first drink. Not an easy thing to swallow. Alcoholics dont want to hear that. We want the party to continue but without the ugly consequences. Unfortunately, things just seem to get worse. And I didn't notice until several years later. I didn't have a wife or s/o at that time and so I cant really comment on whether or not it might help to give tham the facts. I think in some cases it is the starting place for some of us to get help. For others, like me, no amout of lit. or facts will convince them. It is an individual thing but well worth the try.

To Lolobug, alcohol definately helped me do things that I normally wouldn't have. Its like when I drink my conscience is not engaged. I sort of knew that what I was doing was wrong, but it seemed like so much fun. Also,I had no respect for myself so how could I respect others. My advice to you is to continue comeing here, get to some f2f alanon meetings, and buy the Big Book for yourself if your husband wont read it. There is a lot of knowledge in that book that I think will help you understand your husband, how to handle him, and what your part in this little dance is.

We have a saying in AA...'Nothing changes if nothing changes'...That applies to the alcoholic as well as to his wife or s/o.

[rosequartz21]

Hi everyone,

I have come here as I hurt and confused... My partner doesn't drink often but when he does he goes too far and regrets serious actions the next day - in most cases he cannot remember. When we were first dating, I invited him to a party to meet all my friends. He was so nervous that he drank a whole bottle of vodka and ended up sleazing onto my best friend right in front of me. He seemed vacant and unaware of his behaviour which concerned me. The following day he had no idea that it had happened and was extremely sorry. I forgave him and we moved on from it.

However, I went away for several days over Christmas and he stayed at home due to work obligations. He was lonely and missed me terrably. He was invited to a party by mutual friends of ours and got drunk. When I returned he told me that our friend I'll call "Emma" had let him sleep in her bed with her and her boyfriend as he was too drunk to drive... he told me that she hit on him and he was shocked and proceeded to sleep on the floor. I have since found out from Emma that he actually became incredably drunk and hit on her and her boyfriend saying that I wouldn't mind and was rather pushy about getting intimate with them. They declined the offer and he went away to be sick, passing out upon his return.

I have now confronted him and he couldn't believe what he was hearing, he came across genuine with shock and has now since become very upset with himself. He believes he has two personalities and that he obviously cannot control himself while intoxicated and that he has blackouts.

I love him dearly and am very happy in our relationship, looking to wed in a year. I am hurting and dont know what to do. He has agreed to seek help via councelling or some alternative but we dont know where to start. I feel utterly betrayed and hurt that he would ever act this was drunk or not... am I making a mistake by staying and supporting him???

[GettinSober]

Originally Posted by rosequartz21

I feel utterly betrayed and hurt that he would ever act this was drunk or not... am I making a mistake by staying and supporting him???

Not necessarily, but I would say that based on your experience of him when he drinks he cannot be trusted with other women when intoxicated. I define an alcoholic as someone who causes problems in their life when they drink. This might be one glass or forty glasses. The quantity isn't important it's the problems / consequences of drinking that defines if someone is an alcoholic to me.

I suppose what I trying to say is that I would only support him (if I was you) if he recognised he had a problem, sought help and was serious about it long term.

I know I might get shouted down here but if he isn't 100% convincing on sorting himself out in the manner I have laid out I would walk away. The short term pain would be better than marrying an alcoholic who has a propensity to cheat on you and never deal with the causes of this behaviour. You want a partner - not a patient. You want a husband - not a lover. You want honesty - and not lies.

He can't trust himself when he drinks so he shouldn't expect you to either.