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Today I Learned Why I Keep Relapsing

Old 07-15-2008, 10:32 PM
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Today I Learned Why I Keep Relapsing

There have been soooo many threads about relapsing... and so many people going through it. So many people losing hope because they keep going back out.

I should know, I am one of them.

So I thought I would share what I learned today about why I personally keep relapsing. It's pretty simple: I need to work my spiritual program every day.

To those in AA, it means I have to personally connect with the God of my understanding EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not only do I have to get down on my knees each day and pray for His will, and for a new day of sobriety, etc, but I need to mediate a bit. Take some time with it all. Read the big book and/or the bible.

The sponsor who worked with me on my 4th step today revealed this to me. She asked me a series of questions, and it suddenly became clear what the heck my problem was: The days I relapsed, I had not gotten down on my knees to pray. Or if I did, I was in a hurry and didn't really take the time. I recall those days I relapsed SO clearly now. I hadn't taken the time to get a spiritual foundation for the day. (Some of you in that other thread were so right!) Therefore, when the mental obsession and cravings came a'knockin, I didn't have a defense against them.

I have been beating myself up over the past couple of months... being told different things by different people because of my relapses. Some people said I wasn't "done" yet... and that I might want to go back out and come back when I was ready and "full" of alcohol. To those people (mostly in meetings, not on this board), well, they may have well just put a loaded gun to my head! I did go back out a couple times and get full. Almost got alcohol poisoning, too. Some said because I didn't lose everything - job, family, house, car, had not gotten a DUI, etc, I hadn't hit rock bottom. That was definitely not true, because I had hit bottom both spiritually and emotionally and was well on my way physically.

Some people said I wasn't working the program: calling other women, going to meetings, sharing ESH, service work, etc. But I WAS. My own sponsor told me I wasn't "willing" to go to any lengths because I missed a meeting once due to a horrible migraine headache - the kind where I was curled up in a ball and in so much pain I could barely move.

There were days I didn't do all the things I was "supposed" to do. But I didn't get drunk most of those days. But I got drunk on the days I didn't connect spiritually with my God first thing.

Anyways... to all the newbies and those of you struggling with relapses, don't give up. I haven't yet, and to this date have had over 12 relapses in a period of the 3 months I've been in the AA program. I've heard it all at this point and have been so discouraged at times! (But I kept coming back, like they told me to.)

In the days before AA began, when Dr. Bob and Bill were recruiting drunks, it's interesting to note that the most important thing in their day wasn't meetings or even service work. What it WAS was the need for them to spend some time every single morning in fellowship with God, reading recovery books or the bible and praying/meditating. That was the #1 thing they were told to do to stay sober. (This info came from the book entitled "Dr. Bob and The Oldtimers).

I probably am not even qualified to type up this post. What do I know? I am only starting Day 3 again. But I believe the above stuff to be true, and now that I know, I am going to take some quality time every single day to pray, connect and meditate. And I truly believe that from now on, I will stay sober (one day at a time).

Thanks to all who read this lengthy post!
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Old 07-15-2008, 11:16 PM
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Good plan....
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Old 07-15-2008, 11:42 PM
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You make perfect sense Sg. I've been around, In, out, messing about and occasionally working my program for about 12 years now. When I first came to AA I neatly evaded the subject of God. I was a very frieghtened immature 32 year old man. After a couple of slips and when I got a sponsor who took me through the steps, I changed. I believed and the fear left me along with the onsession to drink. I stayed sober for 1.5 years (The best year and a half of my life). But - Along the way I drifted from my program, I failed to progress spiritually, I rested on my laurels. I got to the point where the world was becoming more important to me than sobriety. i had even stopped going to meetings and phoning my sponsor but I was convinced I was alright because I'd done the steps, found myself, had no fear and prayed to the God of my understanding. Money, property, prestige and romance had taken over which would have been fine, had I put spiritual progress ahead of all those things. So I got sicker and sicker. An opportunity came up at work where I was asked to go to Poland for two weeks. I accepted knowing that the routine was Site from 9 to 5 back to the hotel for a fews beers then a meal, more beers before bed.
The week before I was due to go I decided I'd better just be sure I will be ok drinking now over here. I would not want things to get out of hand in a foriegn country and not get back. So I set out my experiment with the first drink. I had a few beers the weekend before. The experiment went so well and I didn't drink for the rest of the week. It had taken me years to stop drinking but within a few hours I was now convinced that with the steps and God on my side, I could drink like a gentleman.
I nearly missed the early flight to Poland because I got drunk in the Aiport hotel the night before. That didn't register. I got drunk everyday after work in Poland, stayed sober on the flight back and didn't drink when I got home. Still convinced I was now ok. I still prayed in the morning which went something like this - God please help me to stay sober but if I am to drink, please keep me sane. Sane?
For a couple of weeks all was ok. I stayed sober at home but was drunk when I was away on business. Then one day - It bit my ass. I got drunk in my home town when i taken a day off work. I woke the next day in a strange hotel in a strange town. I had lost my work mobile phone and should have been at work 2 hours ago. Hell, now what. A few more drinks, southern comfort. I was off sick for 5 months then lost the job. I split with my partner and sold the house. It took another 6 months to blow the £20,000 from the house sale and I ended up broke and in rehab.
Where did the relapse start and where did the relapse end? The relapse started when I disconected with my spiritual program and all the things that go with it. The whole of the program - Surrender, Acceptance, inventory, spiritual progress and working with others. It's a kit of tools and one by one I dropped them. This is relapse. The relapse ended when I took the first drink.
I've managed 9 months, 6 months, 1 month, 2 weeks and less ever since then. I do keep trying to pick up the tools again and when I do I have a good day. I'm not giving up.
God bless you all and thanks for starting this thread Sg
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Old 07-16-2008, 03:51 AM
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Great share sobergirl, kneepads help prevent calloused knees!! LOL
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Old 07-16-2008, 04:50 AM
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I probably am not even qualified to type up this post. What do I know? I am only starting Day 3 again.
You are more than qualified! You are sharing you experience. What you shared is exactly what I need to hear. I have not relapsed sense starting the program but I have been doing things my way too much lately, rather than doing things God's way. I need constant reminders that if I do not maintain and open line of communication with my higher power I'm as good as dead. I still need to be reminded that I am still a baby in the program barely learning to crawl. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 07-16-2008, 04:54 AM
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"...personally connect with the God of my understanding EVERY SINGLE DAY."

Amen.

Works for me.
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Old 07-16-2008, 04:58 AM
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I still need to be reminded that I am still a baby in the program barely learning to crawl.
That is something that I have heard old timers say, they need to remain teachable, open to all things, I have heard old timers say that they know they are getting into trouble when they think they know it all or have nothing more to learn.

In thinking about that I realize that when I was drinking I knew it all, nobody could tell me anything, I had all the answers! Today I know I have so much to learn and so little I do know.
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Old 07-16-2008, 07:26 AM
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Thanks for your post sobergirl. I don't really have anything to add or comment on, but I just really enjoyed what you had to say and it was helpful to me. Never give up.
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Old 07-16-2008, 07:31 AM
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I had that problem at AA when I went the first time I tried quitting. I was told that I hadn't hit "bottom" yet. Well why should I have to wait until I lost everything before trying to quit?! I was NEVER in denial that I'm an alcoholic and needed to quit! I was told by people to go out and drink until I was at bottom. WTF?!

I'm glad you found what's working for you.
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Old 07-16-2008, 08:26 AM
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I was told that I hadn't hit "bottom" yet. Well why should I have to wait until I lost everything before trying to quit?!
Even if someone says they lost everything they are lying. If they are saying it, they must be alive so they have not lost everything. Instead of telling someone that they are not through drinking and should go back out maybe they should just be told that until they accept that they are powerless over alcohol the program of AA will not work for them. It would be to the point and if they ended up dying due to their drinking at least it would not be because someone told them they needed to drink more.
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Old 07-16-2008, 08:28 AM
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Question: when we say we're "powerless over alcohol"...doesn't that mean that we're saying we can never quit?! We're not totally powerless, or I wouldn't be on day four, right? It just seems to me that saying we're powerless means we're saying that there's no chance....when shouldn't we be saying that we CAN get through this?!
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Old 07-16-2008, 08:39 AM
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Question: when we say we're "powerless over alcohol"...doesn't that mean that we're saying we can never quit?!
To me it means I will never be able to drink in moderation or safely again. Once I take that first drink I am powerless over what happens from that point on. Knowing I have this powerlessness is why I choose to take the necessary steps so that I do not pick up that first drink.
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Old 07-16-2008, 09:33 AM
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when we say we're "powerless over alcohol"...doesn't that mean that we're saying we can never quit?!
No, it means basically that once I put alcohol into my body I lose any power I may have had over it before I drank it. I have power over every single drop of alcohol in every single bottle of alcohol in the world as long as I do not put it in me, once I put it in me I lose any and all power I had over it before I drank it.

Can I have a single drink and not want more? No!!!! I may be able to resist having that second drink a few times, but I will be wantiing it. It will at a minimum hold that power over me, but I know darn well from past experience that one will never be enough, for me one drink is to many.

I am far happier not drinking then simply having one or 2 and spending the rest of the week/month wanting more. I never have enjoyed only having one or 2 drinks, as is said by someone in the personal stories part of the BB, when they controled thier drinking they did not enjoy drinking, when they enjoyed thier drinking it was never with control.
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Old 07-16-2008, 09:37 AM
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Originally Posted by sobergirl77 View Post
I have been beating myself up over the past couple of months... being told different things by different people because of my relapses. Some people said I wasn't "done" yet... and that I might want to go back out and come back when I was ready and "full" of alcohol. To those people (mostly in meetings, not on this board), well, they may have well just put a loaded gun to my head! I did go back out a couple times and get full. Almost got alcohol poisoning, too. Some said because I didn't lose everything - job, family, house, car, had not gotten a DUI, etc, I hadn't hit rock bottom. That was definitely not true, because I had hit bottom both spiritually and emotionally and was well on my way physically.

Some people said I wasn't working the program: calling other women, going to meetings, sharing ESH, service work, etc. But I WAS. My own sponsor told me I wasn't "willing" to go to any lengths because I missed a meeting once due to a horrible migraine headache - the kind where I was curled up in a ball and in so much pain I could barely move.

There were days I didn't do all the things I was "supposed" to do. But I didn't get drunk most of those days. But I got drunk on the days I didn't connect spiritually with my God first thing.

Anyways... to all the newbies and those of you struggling with relapses, don't give up. I haven't yet, and to this date have had over 12 relapses in a period of the 3 months I've been in the AA program. I've heard it all at this point and have been so discouraged at times! (But I kept coming back, like they told me to.)

But I believe the above stuff to be true, and now that I know, I am going to take some quality time every single day to pray, connect and meditate. And I truly believe that from now on, I will stay sober (one day at a time).

Thanks to all who read this lengthy post!
... oh yeah....!!
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Old 07-16-2008, 10:21 AM
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Thank you Tazman and tkdan for explaining it to me! THAT makes sense to me!
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Old 07-16-2008, 10:21 AM
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At some point Sobergirl, you might want to stop blaming others for your own calculated decisions to return to another drink after not drinking for whatever period of time. Many of the men and women here have been chronic relapsers, I was one. The solution is simple when you are ready to accept it. Excuses and justifications are the mainstay of the Drunk. If you want what we have, do what we do; don't drink today, find God and talk with another Alcoholic, do the next right thing. Simple.

Much love Ron
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Old 07-16-2008, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by RufusACanal View Post
At some point Sobergirl, you might want to stop blaming others for your own calculated decisions to return to another drink after not drinking for whatever period of time. Many of the men and women here have been chronic relapsers, I was one. The solution is simple when you are ready to accept it. Excuses and justifications are the mainstay of the Drunk. If you want what we have, do what we do; don't drink today, find God and talk with another Alcoholic, do the next right thing. Simple.

Much love Ron
Ron,
at some point you might wanna re-read your own post, dude...

Originally Posted by sobergirl77 View Post
So I thought I would share what I learned today about why I personally keep relapsing. It's pretty simple: I need to work my spiritual program every day.

I probably am not even qualified to type up this post. What do I know? I am only starting Day 3 again. But I believe the above stuff to be true, and now that I know, I am going to take some quality time every single day to pray, connect and meditate. And I truly believe that from now on, I will stay sober (one day at a time).
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Old 07-16-2008, 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by RufusACanal View Post
At some point Sobergirl, you might want to stop blaming others for your own calculated decisions to return to another drink after not drinking for whatever period of time. Many of the men and women here have been chronic relapsers, I was one. The solution is simple when you are ready to accept it. Excuses and justifications are the mainstay of the Drunk. If you want what we have, do what we do; don't drink today, find God and talk with another Alcoholic, do the next right thing. Simple.

Much love Ron

You really surprised me with that zinger Ron!

I did not knowingly blame anyone but myself. I was frustrated with my inability to "get" it. Frustrated with what some people were telling me. Having someone tell me to go back out did in fact hurt my feelings. (Which I learned yesterday is a sign of my own ego and pride, among other things). Anyway. But I don't blame him, or anyone else for my relapses. Or me anymore, for that matter.

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Old 07-16-2008, 03:24 PM
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Originally Posted by tkdan View Post
Even if someone says they lost everything they are lying. If they are saying it, they must be alive so they have not lost everything. Instead of telling someone that they are not through drinking and should go back out maybe they should just be told that until they accept that they are powerless over alcohol the program of AA will not work for them. It would be to the point and if they ended up dying due to their drinking at least it would not be because someone told them they needed to drink more.
I was also told by some people that I hadn't surrendered when in fact, I had. The day I surrendered well and truly in my heart, mind and soul, I actually felt it. Surrendering is one of the most amazing feelings ever, it is such a relief. Anyway, following that day I had a good solid 8 days of joyful sobriety. Then 2 days where I didn't really do my spiritual program and pray/meditate/read in the mornings. Then boom... relapse.

It IS simple like you all say, but at the same time, a lot of work!
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Old 07-16-2008, 04:24 PM
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Thanks for the post sobergirl.

Originally Posted by sobergirl77 View Post
I need to work my spiritual program every day.

To those in AA, it means I have to personally connect with the God of my understanding EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not only do I have to get down on my knees each day and pray for His will, and for a new day of sobriety, etc, but I need to mediate a bit. Take some time with it all. Read the big book and/or the bible.

The sponsor who worked with me on my 4th step today revealed this to me. She asked me a series of questions, and it suddenly became clear what the heck my problem was: [B]The days I relapsed, I had not gotten down on my knees to pray. Or if I did, I was in a hurry and didn't really take the time.
In my own experience, you have found one of the most important keys to sobriety AND living a happy & fulfilling life. In general, I find that I need to do the following actions to really ensure my sobriety and peace of mind:

-Daily prayer & meditation - focus, strength, my HP’s will, gratitude
-Take my personal inventory every day – what I did right, what I did wrong, finding solutions
-Talking with my sponsor & other alcoholics – reaching out for help, helping others
-Meetings

Last week, I was in a bitter mood for a few days - stress, anxiety. In the past, this would have had me calling my friends and getting drunk. While I was attending meetings & talking to my sponsor during this time, my prayers were half-hearted, I wasn’t meditating, and I wasn’t taking my personal inventory. I really did not have to feel like this at all! And while I did not want to drink, I was certainly that much closer.

It really sounds like you are moving forward in your recovery. Awesome work!
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