Recovery and having children - when is the right time?

[odaat]

I just wanted some opinions

I'm wondering when the right time to start a family would be. As its such a huge descision, I want to make sure I give it enough thought.

As a recovering alcoholic, how can I tell when I'm 'recovered' enough to have children? It feels right, is that enough?

I had a lot of problems with depression and anxiety during my active alcoholism and early recovery. I'm happy and stable now, but how long do I need to have been so to be 'ready'?

Any thoughts or opinions most welcome!

[Jomey]

Hi Odaat - I don't think there is a specific time period that you must wait. All I can share with you as the mother of 3 little, very active boys, is that once you have children, you will never, ever again have the opportunity to concentrate soley on yourself for any continuous length of time. If you feel that you need or would like to spend some more time getting to know yourself in recovery, that could not be a bad thing for you or your future children.

What a very exciting, happy thing to be contemplating! I'll keep you in my prayers as you make your decision.

[nandm]

What an interesting and thought provoking question.

I don't know that there is a right or wrong time to start a family as a recovering alcoholic/addict. What my experience has been is raising children in active alcoholism can be quite destructive to them. My children were 5, 14, and 15 when I started recovery. They had some very rough years not only during my active use but also during my recovery. Currently I have been able to provide enough sober time to earn back their trust. But that was not easy.

I feel that the most important thing is not only to be sober but to be able to provide financially, emotionally, and morally for them. Children need love, guidance, and support. Without it their lives can be quite difficult. Life can be difficult enough without us as parents adding to it.

I wish you the best and know that you will find the answer that is best for you and your child.

[Sugah]

By your nick, I assume you're in AA. Children are a major change in one's life, as others have already said. I'll give you the same suggestion that my sponsor gave me when it came to making big decisions: work at least steps 1-9 & preferably all 12 before making any life-changing decisions. That way, you're right with yourself, your god, and others.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[sugErspun]

A lot of people start of right away on the 13th step.

I have seen it myself. Maybe even been there myself (but I have no children).

[51anna]

Odaat, I think it's great that you are giving lots of thought to the decision or when to have children.

I don't think that anyone is ever completely prepared for parenthood, and most parents bring some 'baggage' into the mix when they have children. Having gone through depression and addiction and come out the other end, will probably help you with your parenting skills. I wish you well.

[Tazman53]

ODAAT a topic I never pondered, I had 6 kids and was "fixed" when I got sober. Sugah gave some great advise imho. I will say this, recovered alcoholic or normal people will never know if they are ready, really ready to have a child until they have one.

Meditate and pray on it, children are at a minimum an 18 year 24X7 commitment. Ask your self "Where am I?". Having children for me was a true blessing which I almost threw away due to my drinking. My 3 oldest did not suffer that greatly, but were more then happy when I sobered up, when I went to make my amends to them, they told me that me being sober was all the amends they needed or ever wanted.

The 3 still at home especially the twins, took quite a bit of time to forgive me and learn to love and respect me again, the 3 of them went through some damn tough years with a drunk as a father, between the embarrasement and the verbal abuse I dealt out they were hurt quite a bit.

All I can really share on this really is to make sure at this point in time your sobriety is on solid ground, because you will lose a lot of the time you have dedicated to working on your sobriety to raising a new life, however what you will gain as a sober parent will be a great reward and a great incentive to continue to work your program.

One thing you will have to be ready for is to still keep your sobriety as your number one priority in your life, I can attest to the damage that can be done by having a drunk as a parent, so just make sure you keep that sobriety/recovery as #1 and all will come out well.

If your sobriety and program are on solid ground I say go for it, do not let your past deny you the greatest blessing one can have..... Sober parenthood!!!!!