Epiphany

[jadopa]

Please let me know if my posting etiquette is bad. I have never been on a forum before. I just realized I have a lot of threads. Here it goes. I was driving to work this morning (1 hour each way is a long time to reflect). I have been making this way to complicated. My reasons for being here are my own. I know that every night I consume large amounts of alcohol. I know that I smoke a pack of ciggs a day. I also know that no matter why I do this or if it causes me a lot of horrific problems (because up until now, it has had no real effects my on life being productive and happy), that it WILL kill me if I do not stop. The effects it’s having on my body are not seen yet. I still am a young, attractive, and outgoing woman. I am also not blind to the fact that this to shall pass; one day I will see the effects. My father just had a triple bypass, and that is were I am headed. Maybe not that particular surgery, but my health will fail me if I continue. My son does not deserve this, nor any of my family. It is self destructive and selfish. And this is were the addictions take over, after saying all that to myself I still continue to drink and smoke. I do not know what it will take to make me quit. I pray that it will not take the worse case scenario. I pray that God gives me strength to overcome. For me I have learned by being here, and I think I always knew this, that just having someone to talk to helps me tremendously. If I continue to open up to people and let them in (and let myself out) then I will beat these addictions. Evil cannot live in the light. I have learned this many times before in my life. I will continue to post and I will work up the nerve to go to those meetings. I appreciate all of the understanding.

Patty

PS. That felt really good to say.

[Miss Pink]

Jadopa.....what is your plan to get sober?

AA? or something else? Just wondering, cus it cannot be done on your alone. Period. end of story.

You might be young and pretty now, but alcohol will rot away your looks, make you look 20 yrs older than you are. The cigs will gladly join alcohol in your destruction.

How bad do you think it has to get for you? Clearly, you arent happy.

[Tazman53]

Patty you are getting there hon. You are slowly becoming honest with your self and seeing the path you need to take to get where you want to go. Get to that meeting, the hardest thing you will ever do will be to step through those doors the first time, I remember it like it was yesterday, in no time I was kicking myself in the butt for being so scared of what was the answer to my problem! Finally a room full of people who understood me and accepted me warts and all!

I will offer you a suggestion that an addiction specialist told me before I went into detox, he said "Take care of your primary problem first, the booze, once you feel you are on solid sober ground then kick the smokes." Well I listened because what he said made sense, take it on problem at a time, stopping one of them alone was VERY Hard, but 2 at one time may have led me to failure. On my one year sobriety anniversary I smoked my last cigarette, it was not easy, but applying the same steps I used for stopping drinking made it a bit easier.

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by Tazman53

Patty you are getting there hon. You are slowly becoming honest with your self and seeing the path you need to take to get where you want to go. Get to that meeting, the hardest thing you will ever do will be to step through those doors the first time, I remember it like it was yesterday, in no time I was kicking myself in the butt for being so scared of what was the answer to my problem! Finally a room full of people who understood me and accepted me warts and all!

I will offer you a suggestion that an addiction specialist told me before I went into detox, he said "Take care of your primary problem first, the booze, once you feel you are on solid sober ground then kick the smokes." Well I listened because what he said made sense, take it on problem at a time, stopping one of them alone was VERY Hard, but 2 at one time may have led me to failure. On my one year sobriety anniversary I smoked my last cigarette, it was not easy, but applying the same steps I used for stopping drinking made it a bit easier.

Gotta echo Taz here, good advice....and good for you...important step..because what we do not acknowledge , we cannot change.. stay with the truth and keep pushing forward.
grateful

[jadopa]

Originally Posted by Miss Pink

Jadopa.....what is your plan to get sober?

AA? or something else? Just wondering, cus it cannot be done on your alone. Period. end of story.

You might be young and pretty now, but alcohol will rot away your looks, make you look 20 yrs older than you are. The cigs will gladly join alcohol in your destruction.

How bad do you think it has to get for you? Clearly, you arent happy.

I dont meen to sound naive. Sometimes I think I come off that way. I guess that it is important for me to address my religious side. All of the hardest things I have ever done, where the best things I have ever done for myself. And I have never been alone in these things because God has always been with me. He has always lead me in right direction if I ask with an open heart. That is why I am on this forum. I suspect everyone here can understand the need to not feel alone in struggles, but writing is easier than looking someone in the face and telling them whats on your mind. I also think it is more helpful to do just that. To look at someone in the eyes and tell them you need help. This is a start, but you can also write all day long and never accomplish anything. I also feel that the minute you start to get closer to God, and he is answering your prayers the ways that he sees fit, that you can believe evil will try HARD to get in the way. Through a disease, or through anything else (maybe thats why these thing arent curable). I will keep trying and doing my best through his grace alone.

[nandm]

Welcome to SR. I am glad you are reaching out. That is a great first step toward recovery. Everyone has to start somewhere. Looking forward to hearing more from you. I would suggest you try joining in on some of our online chat meetings. There is a schedule under the chat forums. You don't even have to talk in them if you don't want to, you can just listen. Glad you are here and hope you stick around.
Judith

[CarolD]

Patty....
Just keep trying ...I too have God as my best friend.

He did take away my compulsion to drink...but
it came after I finished my formal AA Step work.
In my time....it was 3 years ...a blink in His.


Blessings to you and your family

[jadopa]

Here is were I am this morning, A bottle of wine hangover. I went home last night and drank more than I usually do. I feel like all this posting is making me crazy. Right now the thought of putting more alchohol in me is absurd. I am waiting to see if that matters at my usual time tomorrow. Oh God! did I just test myself? I have to admit all of this has brought on anxiety like I havent felt for a long time.(almost panic) This is not a game, what the hell are you doing, you do not have a problem, you have just convinced yourself you do. I would like any feedback or suggestions about my rambling because I usually just keep them to myself. Thanks for your help.

[lovingseren]

Originally Posted by Miss Pink

Jadopa.....what is your plan to get sober?

AA? or something else? Just wondering, cus it cannot be done on your alone. Period. end of story.

Actually I know quite a few people who got sober on their own, being open minded to the fact people can and do take charge of themselves is healthy.

Jadopa,
you must get serious about this life threatening disease, no one can do the work for you, there is no magic bullet. You must make a commitment to be sober, and accept the fact that you cannot drink...period.

Seren

[51anna]

Hi and I'm glad you're posting.

The anxiety you are feeling sounds a lot like what I experienced when I really knew I had to stop or lose everything. It was almost overwhelming to think of stopping completely and I knew instinctively, that it would involve a lot of big changes in my life - though I didn't know what they would be at that time. I think your disease realizes it may lose its hold on you, and it is speaking more and more loudly. Recognize the voice for what it is, and move on.

I believe the basis for recovery is self-love. It's clear to me that I could not have poisoned my body the way I did, if I had had any love or respect for myself. The sad thing is that it spirals down quickly, because guilt and shame are added to to the already negative feelings.

This is a hugely positive step that you are thinking of taking and a huge gift to yourself.

[collinsmi]

I will continue to post and I will work up the nerve to go to those meetings.

If "those meetings" means AA, most who go there feel or once felt as you do now. It's a cross section of society, not a bunch of people living under a bridge.