Complete Deflation

[zJoe99]

I guess most of you know AA was originally a 6 step program. This was new to me though. Was reading my pg. 292 of my 3rd edition big book when the original first step jumped out at me. "Complete Deflation".

I wonder what the original AA's meant by this? When I read it I thought of deflation as destruction. Complete destruction of my pride and ego. A brutal burn off my identity and personality. The death of "me".

A lot of my life has been burnt off. My job, my family, my friends. I try to cling to my pride in what I used to be... but I'm losing my grip on that too. I'm feeling completely destroyed.

I don't want to transition from complete deflation to a "bitter end" drunk. I need a miracle now. What I have is an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Bill W. had his white light. I'm completely deflated and I need that white light too. All I have is darkness.

If I could quit on my own I wouldn't be an alcoholic now would I? WTF?! It seems those miracles are reserved for the Bill W.'s and certain AA rock stars. The rest of us drunks are deflated into oblivion.

Sorry for my negative rant. I'm not gettin' it and it is pissing me off.

[GlassPrisoner]

You're learning humilty, and that was Bill Ws intention (in my opinion)

This:

Complete destruction of my pride and ego.

But not this:

A brutal burn off my identity and personality. The death of "me".

Remember, Ego is not what you think of yourself (that's self-esteem), but how often you think of yourself.

What I have is an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.

That's actually a good thing. You're getting ready to give up. Surrender is the first step. The minute you stop fighting, and trying it by yourself, is the minute the program starts to work.

[CarolD]

Welcome back...

How are you progressing with your Step work?
Have you a sponor to guide you?
You are in meetings?

Prayer helps me immensley when I am troubled.
I'll add you to my nightly list.

Blessings and Hugs

[zJoe99]

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[zJoe99]

Thanks. Good stuff from you two.

I'm just angry and closed off. Skin cancer has me discouraged among other things. No, I'm not working AA or calling my sponsor like I should. Struggling with "belief" and trust crap. My issues.

Thanks for the prayers Carol.

Dammit to freakin hell though...

[Tazman53]

zjoe when AA was very young there were as you say only 6 steps and they were taken from the Oxford group, AA evolved a lot in the early years and finally split entirely from the Oxford group.

In the early years Bill W., Dr. Bob, & the other AA pioneers continued to adjust the program specifically for alcoholics. I have heard it said in the rooms that the deflation of pride & ego is crucial to allow room for a Higher Power of ones understanding.

I know when I was drinking I had an ego the size of an elephant and pride that was tough as steel!!! There was only one way that things were done and it was MY WAY!!! No one told me what to do or how to do it.......... until I run into Jim Barley Corn! For years after I first met him I was the boss, I was the MAN!!!! Slowly old Jim showed me who the boss really was, my boss became Jim Barley Corn, he owned me lock, stock, & barrel!!!

It was not until Jim Barley Corn had crushed my pride and my ego small enough for me to have room in me to allow a Higher Power of my understandstanding to enter that I was able to start doing the steps and begin that journey known as sobriety.

I had some issues with a Higher Power that I understood, but I found if I made myself pray every day that slowly but surely my Higher Power that I understood made an appearance in me. Why? I think it was because I had reached that point of surrender, that point where I was willing to humble myself, to say "I can not do this alone, help me!" This was the beginning, this was the surrender.