A letter from an alcoholic father to his anorexic daughter.

[Tazman53]

One of my 15 year old twins has anorexia, very soon she will be going into a residential treatment center until who knows when, I wanted to share with you all the letter I am going to give her once she arrives there. Everyone in the family is doing the same thing, but I felt a need to share it with my SR family:

Kerri,

By now you are at Sheppard Pratt and probably are hating, me and your mother. I am writing this to let you know the reason we arranged for you to be there is because we love you!!!!

Yes I love you, you are my youngest child and I miss the old Kerri, the Kerri who smiled & laughed a lot. The Kerri who used to hug me and even give me a kiss, that pretty Kerri that was fun and happy, who loved to play cards and Risk with me even though your mom hates the game.

I miss that Kerri who was not hiding in her room, the one that simply said “Hi dad” when I got home from work, the Kerri who used to want to go hunting with me & fishing. I miss that healthy Kerri with the beautiful thick hair and beautiful colored skin.

Kerri I know you are in there, but anorexia is hiding the real you, the anorexia turns you into an angry person, a depressed person, a person that does not want to be around me. Anorexia has taken the Kerri I know and made her bitter.

The main reason you are there is because I do not want anorexia to kill you!!! Why? Because I love you and I want Kerri back! We have tried to get you to see what is happening to you, but anorexia right now is stopping you from seeing that you are killing your self!

Kerri I, nor your mother wants you to gain weight, we simply want you to stop starving your self to death! All we want you to do is eat healthy.

Kerri I am an alcoholic, I know the feeling of being out of control, I know that feeling of not being able to see myself for what I had really become…… a damn drunk! I felt when I was drinking as if I was okay, that nothing was wrong with me, I looked in the mirror and I did not see the swollen face or the blood shot glazed over eyes, I looked just fine to me!

Kerri when I was drinking I did not see myself as angry or mean, I thought it was you and every one else that was being disrespectful to me. I kept on thinking I was in control of my drinking even though all of you could tell I was out of control, I was a damn drunk!!!

Kerri I know now why you all hated me and had no respect for me, I reached the point where I hated myself! I wanted to stop drinking but I could not, I was powerless over alcohol, I could not stop! My drinking was so bad that I knew I could not manage to live my life if I kept on drinking, I knew if I did not stop drinking I was going to die, I was powerless over alcohol and I could not manage my life!

Hon once I reached this point I had no idea how to stop drinking, I only knew I had to stop, at that point I put myself into de-tox. In detox I learned all about alcoholism and how it controlled me when I drank, I learned it was a disease, one that was destroying me physically, mentally, & also destroying my spirit!

Sweet heart when I went into detox I was lost, I knew I had to do something but I did not know what. I learned in detox that in order to get better I had to change, not only did I have to stop drinking, but I had to change myself into a better person in order to not drink again.

As I am sure you have seen, I am now a different man, I have gone from being a damn drunk, to a father, a husband, and a good person who helps others. How did I do this? By following directions from other people who had been where I was at and had by working the 12 steps of AA gone from being like I was a useless drunk to useful people to society and their families.

Kerri you may wonder why I am telling you all of this, well the following is why.

I want you to be in control of your self, not anorexia. I want you to be able to see your self through Kerri’s eyes and not the eyes of anorexia. Kerri once you see yourself with your own eyes and not the eyes of anorexia, you will want to get better. I want you to see that it is not Kerri that hates Kerri, it is anorexia that hates Kerri!!!

Kerri I want you to learn that you are a good person, I want you to learn how to take control away from anorexia, you can do this, you can become Kerri again. Right now you do not have the power alone to take back control of yourself.

Follow the directions they give you at Sheppard Pratt, they will guide you to a power that will help you become you again. Kerri that power greater then you and anorexia is there, all you need to do is listen to the folks there, they will help you find that power, a power that you understand, a power that will allow you to become Kerri again.

Honey your dad loves you with all his heart, my heart aches knowing that in order to save your life and get the old Kerri back we have to put you into a treatment program. It is my/our love for you that has given us the power to put you into the treatment center.

Please once you get over the initial anger and hate listen to the folks there and do your best to let them lead you away from the control anorexia has over you, simply surrender your self and follow directions.

I/we love you with all our hearts and really look forward to having you back home as soon as you are ready. When you get home the whole family will be here to help you to keep anorexia under control.

With all the love in the world,

Dad

[Astro]

Taz, every week I drag my kids to 2 or 3 AA meetings, they're 9 & 11. Hopefully I'm leading by example and they'll never need a recovery program or treatment, but that's up to God, not me.

Thank you for sharing this, and for being an inspiration to another father in recovery. I think we'd both agree that being a sober parent is the greatest gift we've received in sobriety.

[hotwingeatter]

beautiful, I hope she saves a copy to read throughout her life. Good job Dad.

[CE Girl]

(((((((((TAZ))))))))))

Your letter took my breathe away.

I for one, had no idea of your own personal sturggle,,,,aside from your disease.

You give of yourself, humbly and with humility, never complaing or letting us know what's going on in YOUR life, only concern for ours. We forget you were brought here much like the rest of us, and you are continuing the journey with your own personal challenges.

I admire your courage,,,,


Peace

[Tazman53]

CE Girl a huge part of my happy sobriety is working with others, helping those in need, my family is a huge part of that. I use as you can see what I wrote to my daughter, my Experience, Strength, & hope.

I am sober today and happy thanks to the 12 steps of AA, I have learned that life and the world is not about me, I am not the center of the universe, when I was thinking and acting like that I drank..... I was a drunk! I am now a different man, my focus is no longer Martin, my focus today is on others which includes my family.

One of the reasons I shared this with all of you is to let you know that your ESH can help others with others problems!

The recovery of an anorexic runs along similar lines of an alcoholic, it is a life long process that is just as filled with the pit falls of relapses as an alcoholics road is.

They like an alcoholic, anorexics first need to regain self and then keep giving away self to stay in control of their anorexia, focusing on self is the pathway to anorexia/alcoholism. I have been amazed at the number of anorexic alcoholics there are since this first started.

[parentrecovers]

tearing up over here. thank you for sharing, taz. the rehab that my daughter went to had an eating disorders facility next door - part of the hospital. in the 80 plus days we were in and out of there, we got to know a few of the girls. they can, and do, recover. prayers to you and the mrs and your daughter - she's very fortunate to have such caring and understanding parents.

how is this affecting the other twin?

blessings, k

[Tazman53]

Krista her twin is needless to say very worried about her sister and although she will miss her a lot knows that she needs help. She is doing pretty well, upset, but okay. Thanks for asking k.

[Dee74]

Prayers for you and your family Taz mate

D

[baggervance]

prayers from me TAZ. Dont understand eating disorders but praying for you and your family.

[BaldHeadedJohn]

That's beautiful. Really. I've been very fortunate to have healthy kids. I pray that your daughter does well and recovers from her illness. And you continue your recovery as well.

All my best to you, Kerri, and your family.

BHJ

[bye_bye_vodka]

Taz, keeping you in my prayers. Br strong...as always!

[Tazman53]

Thank you all for your kind words and support, we will be giving her the news this afternoon that she will be admitted tomorrow morning, we are driving up to Baltimore tonight and staying at a hotel to where if she really freaks out about it she can not take off for a friends house.

I am not sure how I would be handling this right now if not for having worked the steps and learning how to turn it over to my HP. It has really been like he has held my hand taking me step by step through each thing I/we have needed to do to get this far, I have faith that he will see us through this.

Thank you all again, I will probably not be back until Monday after I leave at 1 today, so I will give you all an update on her if you want?

[barb dwyer]

{{{{tazamundo}}}}

*prayers*

[Tazman53]

Well this should take a few folks back in time, it did me, still brought tears to my eyes!

I had forgotten that I had posted this until this morning, I got an email from a reporter in England who wants to interview my daughter and I!!!! She said our story could be helpful to others.

Kind of like here at SR and other programs where by sharing our ESH with others we help each other.

Weird....... just weird..... I sit back and am amazed that any one would be interested in interviewing my daughter and I.

[tkdan]

Wow Taz, I must have been absent during all of this. I was sitting here reading everything then I looked up at the date and realized this was not going on right now. Regardless of when it took place, it touched my heart. You letter was a beautiful picture of a loving father (much like our loving father). I'm so glad you shared this now. It is encouraing to know that no matter what life throws at us we can face it sober and with the love and compassion needed.

[Tazman53]

It is encouraing to know that no matter what life throws at us we can face it sober and with the love and compassion needed.

Yes it is Dan, if I had still been drinking when this happened.... well I just know that things would have been quite different, I would not have been there for her. There were an awful lot of things that I had to do to get her the help she needed, many of these things even if I had of been sober I would have never been able to have resolved as quickly or as well as what I did without having become a different person thanks to the 12 steps, I would not have had the guidance I had without my HP.

[unigirl]

Thanks fr sharing this with us Taz. I wish your daughter, you and family all the best

[caraway]

Thanks for sharing that Taz!

[caraway]

(I hope you're going to follow up on this thread - I'd love to hear how things go!)

[sobergirl77]

Tazman, your letter was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes!

I understand all too well the anorexic alcoholic problem sweeping the world... the experts are calling it "Drunkorexia". I myself had a touch of this during my last couple of months drinking. I know of a lot of people who would deny food to save calories for alcohol.

I'm glad she is getting help... it's a huge step towards recovery. You and your family will be in my prayers!

[Toomutch]

Taz,

It tore at my heart to read your post.

My daughter was hospitalized last year for anorexia. She was in a hospital bed for two weeks straight on a heart monitor because her heart rate was so low. Se then moved to inpatient and finally on to out patient. All together she spent 3 months at Childrens Hospital in Denver.

It is such a scary disease my daughter is a athlete and an over achiever. I would venture to guess that you daughter is an over achiever and a people pleaser. That personality type seems to be almost without exception a rule. You will find that it does not have so much to do with eating, but more about what is going on inside of her.

It will not be easy for you and your family, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The doctors and therapists told us all along that we had age on our side. She was 13 at the time. For some reason the younger teens make a full recovery much more often that older older,say college age girls (or boys) do.

The doctors were right about Kaylee. She is fully recovered now. From 5'7" and 77 lbs. up to 132 at 5'9".
Please PM me if you would like to. I spent months in group and family thereapy with her and I have a fairly good understanding of the disease.

I will be praying for you and your daughter.

[PrettyViolets]

I just wanted to share my experience as well. I suffered from anorexia when I was 14 years. I lost down to 80 lbs. I would have to say that anorexia is an addiction of too much control--I controlled how much I ate, I counted calories, I exercised a lot. I am very much a perfectionist and overachiever. I would look in the mirror and I was never good enough. I am very much a woman with a lot of emotions--I can cry a lot. When I lost the weight, I controlled those emotions--I did not cry. The addiction of anorexia comes across childlike--it was like I was afraid of being an adult and my own sexuality. Luckily, I was hospitalized and they got me to 100 lbs(I thought more rationally after that point). I remember looking at a picture of Audrey Landers and saying--I want to look like that (I want to have meat on my bones and be a woman with emotions and just deal with life)--I think that was a breakthrough (rather than I am not perfect enough and I need to control my weight).

I am 36 years old now. It is wonderful to have a life now that I no longer need to control my weight--when I am hungry I eat, and I have gained more balance in my life and my eating habits (all of the guys in my life like meat on my bones).

[lovingseren]

Taz,
I appreciate your words so much, blessings to you, your family and all who shared here.

Seren