Last attempt at trying to connect

[OnceNice]

Okay, this is my last attempt at trying to contact by post. I pm people sometimes. I lurk around. Here and I read a lot. Thank you all for that. You all amaze me with your sobriety and happiness. I hope you don't mind me reading and watching you all grow. Maybe I'll learn something. New year. Same old Rose.

[BrandiK]

Hi'ya! Someone is out here!

[laurie6781]

Hey Rose, good to see you.

You have my number and email addy, please us them anytime.

Glad your back!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

[Sugah]

Hey, Rose. It's good to "see" you! Why your last contact by post?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[came2believe]

Are you OK? I don't know you, but I wish you well. What's up? Feel free to PM. Take care!

[OnceNice]

I just stink at posting and I stink at sobriety. So I just kinda lurk around. I like listening to everyone. The new year always gives me this glimmer of hope ya know. Like a clean slate. Then the second week always bums me out. Do any of you ever well, ever just get tired. Even if you arent drinking. I'm just so tired.

[GlassPrisoner]

Yup, I get tired a lot. Of course, even after 80 days my body is still trying to repair itself.

Don't give up. It gets better if you tough it out.

[Sugah]

Rose, I'm tired all the time. Oh, once in a while, I can't sleep at night, but it's not because I'm not tired. And I couldn't function -- drunk or sober. I'm not a big fan of "fake it till you make it," but "acting as if" sits a little easier with me. "Act as if" I can get through this next activity without some body part falling off. Surprise! I have yet to do something I'm too tired to do and having it result in lost fingers, toes or larger appendages! Starting small and slowly increasing the number of things I would do "acting as if," I finally started to see that "as if" was actually "is."

Something you said in your post, Rose, hit me. You said, "The new year always gives me this glimmer of hope....(t)hen the second week always bums me out." People put so much significance on "the new year" -- like it has to be a positively stellar year, every day, from the get-go. How about one day at a time? You know the drill. Begin afresh every day. Or even in the middle of the day -- this guy I know who's really had a major change in his attitude (which he had for the first seven or eight years sober) when he finally started taking that suggestion to "start his day over" anytime!

I know you've seen therapists. I know you've gone to AA. Both of those things can be great assets to you -- but you have to first say no to the drink, one urge at a time. No to the negative thoughts, one thought at a time. Yes to your right to live as a sober, happy person -- yes, yes, yes, as often as you need to hear it. Paste that sucker on your bathroom mirror. Because you do have that right, Rose.

I believe in you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Astro]

Hmmm, you've got 591 posts and you're posting now, so it seems like you're pretty good at that.

Sobriety can be taken one day at a time. If you're posting here I'm guessing you want a sober life.

Yes, I do get tired at times, and in early sobriety it felt like I'd always be tired. But today I only have to live in the moment, and that's good enough for me.

Lurk if you must, but I hope you'll keep posting. Something tells me you've got a lot to contribute. I'll look forward to hearing more from you.

Scott

[I'mready99]

Keep posting Rose...

There are many people here that need to hear what you have to say...

One day at a time.

Steve

[GettinSober]

Originally Posted by OnceNice

I just stink at posting and I stink at sobriety. So I just kinda lurk around. I like listening to everyone. The new year always gives me this glimmer of hope ya know. Like a clean slate. Then the second week always bums me out. Do any of you ever well, ever just get tired. Even if you arent drinking. I'm just so tired.

Yes I got tired OnceNice. Desperately tired of the mental battle. To be honest I was annoying myself. Day 1 was the hardest and now on Day 7 I'm beginning to like myself a bit more. With that self liking I am feeling less tired. I hope that makes sense.

[OnceNice]

Yeah, I've been around for over a year. I used to post a lot. Lots of new people. Something is said on here all the time that bugs me. Its a phrase about not wanting it bad enough. I've asked this before. And I'm gonna ask it again. Hopefully no one will get bored with it. I just keep thinking that sometimes the people who really truly get it and really truly make it are 1) those who really lost something or really hit rock bottom (I know they say everyone's bottom is different). But it seems like losing shelter, family, food and life is pretty much of a bottom. None of this petty crap I'm going through. 2) People who have something to live for, like children, spouses, family 3) Relligious - people who believe in something and 4) People who have just on ounce of self esteem. It just seems like if you have one of those 4 things is how any one can pull them selves up from this horrible disease.

But just what if you don't have any of those four. What if you haven't hit an all time low, what if you know family, children or friends to live for, or a religiion to believe in and most of all if you really don't care for yourself at all.

And what if you spent every last dime on doctors and meds. And what if you are 41 and well maybe. What if you are just that one person who is different. They say all alcholics thing they are different when they walk into the room. But what if you are that one person. What if you are the murphy's law. What can go wrong will.

Does anyone believe me. I'm telling you the truth. Weird things happened at AA. Work, family, friends, doctors, message boards. I drink alone so I hurt no one. Do you bellieve me please. I've been lurking now. I'm not seeking attention.

I don't know I'm just pathetic I guess.

Thanks for listening. AGAIN.

I do much better lurking. I'm depressing. Maybe I should be on a different forum like Depression or something.

[PaperDolls]

Rose -- I've seen you have self-esteem and humor. It's in you. It sounds, to me like you need to go see your doc. again.

Meds will not work while you're drinking. You drink because you're depressed, you're depressed because you drink. It's a vicious cycle.

May be you shoud consider a residential treatment place? I want to see you be happy.

[splendra]

Originally Posted by OnceNice

I drink alone so I hurt no one.

AHEM...(((((ROSE)))) you are someone and you do get hurt so don't tell me you are commiting a victimless crime here....

[Sugah]

Faith. Not in any personified god. Just faith that we all have a purpose and that if we try, just try and not give up, that we will see what that purpose is.

I'm not tired of you asking the questions. The more you ask them, the more others offer you their thoughts as to what the answers might be, the closer you are to finding something that clicks with you and makes sense. I don't think this is a case of "keep asking till you find the answer you want." I think it's more like..."keep asking until you find the answer you need." It might already be here in some form, but sooner or later, someone is going to give it to you in a way that makes complete sense to you.

We won't give up on you, Rose. Please don't give up on yourself.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[51anna]

Hi Rose,

Good to see you again!

I convinced myself that I was different all through the last year I was trying to stop drinking. It was when I realized that I wasn't different, that I really was able to connect and let go.

[OnceNice]

Thanks everyone. I just want something to want you know. A reason to want to feel again. Corny I know. I can't seem to get into anything but the TV. I'm addicted to that too. Tomorrow I go to the doctor to talk about getting the big "H" you know, ladies. That nice fun, removal of the female insides. Not that I care. Never wanted any kids anyway. Always drank too much to be responsible for that.

Does anyone watch that "What About Earl" That Karma Stuff. I believe in that. But since I do nothing, nothing can happen to me. So, good nor bad can happen to me. I'm almost non existant. Even my family forgets me sometimes. You know what I got for Xmas. I come from a large family. My brother picked my name. He gave me cat litter and cat food. That was my one special gift. He hasn't spoke to me in two years. . Isn't that nice. I just said thank you. He's a recovered alcoholic.

[scootinbabe]

hi {{rose}} i'm always happy to see you here.

keep lurking and post when you want. take good care. there are people here--me included--who care about you.

[StrongR2Day]

You know what I think hitting bottom was for me. Yeah, there was all the stuff I screwed up, but that was a small part of it.

It was when the pain of staying the same, was worse than the fear of changing. And it was about a lot more than just putting the plug in the jug, that was the easy part.

I admire all of the questions you ask. It gives you greater potential to understand recovery better, and to live it fully, when you decide the time is right for you.

[GettinSober]

Originally Posted by StrongR2Day

It was when the pain of staying the same, was worse than the fear of changing. And it was about a lot more than just putting the plug in the jug, that was the easy part.

A wonderful way of putting it and very poignant for me. I hope OnceNice can find those words an inspiration too.

[OnceNice]

Actually StrongR2Day that is probably one of the best ways I've ever heard it put. Some people who have been sober the longest(not all) come across as yelling and pushy and almost parental and I feel like a child. Especially when I haven't experienced some of the hardships that many have experienced. Then I feel foolish and like I'm wasting peoples time with my hmm. Let see, attentions seeking I think I've been called and many other things. That is why face to face support groups are so hard for me. And I find myself always focusing on the negative support instead of the positive. Which frankly I don't know how to stop that. With all this damn counseling and sh#it I do.

HOws this for a freak. Have any of you ever drank, when it was making you sick to your stomach. When the taste of it almost made you sick, but you did it anyway. That's how I feel some times. But I never get the shakes. I never drink during the day at work. I never go over my limit in public. I hardly go out in public. I just stay quietly at home. And drink and sometimes (this is gross) I kinda almost throw up a little in my mouth. and this is when I just get my first taste. Then I just choke it down. Well I have to go now. Leaving work. Thanks for listening. Probably go back to lurking.

Thank you so much for responding to me. Its really really nice.

I'm off tomorrow to see the doc. Adios. And Happy New Year All.

God Bless and thanks for letting me Read about your lives.

[PaperDolls]

((((Rose))))

[Nuudawn]

Rose, Rose, Rose....hey...I can relate very, very much to A LOT of the things you say. When I was still drinking, I too told myself that I was hurting no one. I have no children nor a husband (but have had a slew of toxic relationships). I used to drink my wine nightly (didn't drink during the day either) and I'll be 40 at the end of this month. I would tell myself there really isn't any reason for me to quit drinking or smoking cuz I'm only existing anyway...what the hell do I want to get older or live much more for? I haven't had a successful relationship in 7 years...just painful, painful attempts.
As Splendra so sagely noted, YOU are someone..and you...I think..just like me (and most other active alcoholics) are your own worst enemy.

Please correct me if I am wrong, but I suspect you are still drinking and looking for a reason to quit..or end it all is some fashion or another. I quit drinking 30 days ago today. And my entire perspective has changed...completely! Hell, 41 is pretty darn young hun. I have big plans for this decade (mostly...a 360 from the last decade of self pity).

When I threw down the damn bottle....in very short order it was like someone pulled back the dark curtains and let the light shine on in...and hon, it's blinding sometimes.

Loving yourself...which you desperately need to start on...is about making good choices for YOU...the first one being...drop the drink...and everyday you suit up and get yourself to the table of life and deal with it real and bang on...you are travelling the road back to ever increasing self esteem. I am thru with my negative self talk (oh I have moments...lol..but I catch myself). My inner wounded little girl has suffered enough! And her little hissy fit that she soothed with booze had to end. It's time to grow up. Start today by making good choices..not ones you can further slag yourself with.

Everything can change in a heartbeat. You believe in karma? Then you believe in spirituality/Universe or some sort of greater good that is more powerful than you. Reach out to that good...and give it over...let the old Rose go..cuz it ain't working for you anymore. The war within can end..and you can find peace. I am positive!

Please keep posting.
Tracey

[came2believe]

(((HUGS))) Best wishes to you Rose, you can do it!

We'll love you till you can love yourself....

[paulmh]

Hey Rose, you write beautifully.