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Old 10-27-2006, 08:48 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I am angry, I am upset. I still want a drink...or do I ?

I get scared of asking myself this...do I want a drink? Do I really want a drink. I tell myself over and over about the things I've done drunk, the people I've hurt, the shame and guilt...and the hangovers. After reading the sticky "under the influence" earlier today - excerpts lovingly posted by Green Tea (a member of this site), I should feel better. I don't...because i cannot accept that I am ill...I don't feel ill NOW so I can't be right? Not until I'm drunk right? I just don't want to believe in the disease model of alcoholism that is the foundation of AA. I don't want to sit in meetings full of half-destroyed drunks and admit to being one. So I don't. BUT...something is wrong, clearly. At least it should be clear after years and years of experiences with alcohol that were always a little worse than my friends' .....worse than most people I know who drink, even the heavy drinkers.

In spite of all this I hate to use the label alcoholic..perhaps it's because society has not yet accepted alcoholism as anything other than a weakness...at least a great proportion of society. I am sour about all this. I am torn between going to a meeting (knowing it's not for me), reading the alternatives (Stanton Peele's books for example) and today's reading of these "under the influence" excerpts and still finding myself wanting to imbibe something at the end of it all. I am confused...as ever...and unable to accept...as ever that I am an A______C !

I see myself as a complex (we all are) human being who for whatever reason, be it social, inherent or whatever , has a problem with alcohol...a BIG problem.

After all the things I've done, all the people that have seen my suffering and have suffered as a result of my problem, after every hangover (which worsen as I age as do my physical barriers against alcohol) after the great loss financially..........

I still think that maybe it will be different if I change my outlook on life, maybe I'll be able to drink normally if I can deal with my tendencies toward depression and anxiety...maybe just maybe...but not until....


THAT IS THE CONSTANT DANGER. Maybe I haven't done this **** to myself enough times to have learned my lessons. What a great excuse to go outr and get blitzed. But I know I can't/shouldn't.


Thanks for letting me share that.


PEACE,

Kevin
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Old 10-27-2006, 09:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Kevin

just wondering - have you read this sticky? Excuse me if you have already.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...your-life.html (Letting Go: The Journey for your Life)

Wishing you peace today!
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Old 10-27-2006, 09:26 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I haven't. Thanks...I'll give it a look.
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Old 10-27-2006, 09:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I've been thinking about alcoholism, and what that really means lately as well.

I know for a fact, that when I start drinking, if I have the capacity to do so I will drink myself drunk every night. The reason I do this? Well, it could be that im an alcoholic. It could also be that was lonely. Thinking back, any time I would drink, it was when I was by myself, feeling sorry for myself, or just overall depressed (about being lonely). Well two months sober Im not lonely any more, funny how that worked out. I spent several years with my only friend at the bottom of a bottle, drowning my lonliness then once I give up the bottle; I'm not lonely any more. (And I'm not referring to Jesus)

I'm not a big subscriber to the idea that you must find Jesus to be Sober. I believe that if your will is strong enough and you want to quit, you can. Heck I did.

I wont pretend like I dont want to drink, because I do. No question, there are times I'd love to just sit down with my old favorite bottle of beer, and enjoy one. But I dont know where one would stop.

I wont soon forget how sick I was after I gave it up and thats the scary part for me, knowing that I let it take hold of me, and I diddnt even realize it.

I try to look at what alcohol really did for me.. It numbed my feelings so I wouldnt have to deal with them, and it got me drunk.. it diddnt solve any problems. The pros' of not drinking far outweigh the "cons"
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Old 10-27-2006, 09:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for that...

"The pros' of not drinking far outweigh the "cons" " You are right when you say this but I have to KNOW this to sustain it's relevence...it's kind of paradoxical. The problem is the events of the past become..just images, traces of what once was in one's memory....I guess what I'm trying to say is, although I remember these things..some of them terribly bad at the time...they lose their potency...then something stirs in my head that says..well, maybe you'll be ok with a drink this time. I know I won't but the doubt creeps in now and again. I read the link from Paulm above - it is very useful stuff in re-framing which I really feel it is time to do.
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Old 10-27-2006, 10:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Papa,
I found that alcohol had beaten me. It won the battle, and I lost. I didn't like the word Al___lic, and I didn't want to go to AA.

When I stopped drinking, I felt lost. I felt lost because I gave up my #1 coping mechanism. I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. I LOVED drinking so much that it was easy to forget the bad stuff. My feelings were so much more raw without my self-medicating. I knew if I drank those feelings would be numbed.. I also knew that the last thing I wanted to do was to drink again.

When I quit drinking, I basicly ripped a big hole in my life. I knew I needed to find something to fill that hole. If I couldn't find something, I'd continue to feel lost and hopeless.

I still can't believe I joined AA, but I'm sure glad that I did. I had the same thoughts about it being a bunch of losers etc..... I went because I needed something, but it was the last place I wanted to go.

I'm not out here to preach to you about AA. After reading what you wrote, I could relate to how you feel. I felt alot of the same things. I just want to share with you that AA turned out to be the right place for me. I was the last one to realize it, but AA is now my home.

In general, people who are in recovery need to find something to help them recover. It could be reading a book, as you mentioned. It could be doing the "church thing" or getting into art. There's some alternative recovery programs which are different than AA.

One of SR's members, Don S, is a firm believer in SMART. It's another recovery program, and it's different than AA.

I basicly chose AA because I knew I didn't want to drink. I didn't know how I could stay sober, and I needed something to do to keep me from drinking. AA is free and accessible.

Here's some resources which provide recovery alternatives to AA. This is a list of links which Don S provided in his thread "friday affirmations". I recommend that you check out that thread. You might find something helpful there. Here it is:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...look-like.html

I like it because for someone who has quit drinking, AA or not, friday is a good day to give youself a pat on the back. Anyways, here's Don's list:

Don S's SMART Links:
The SMART Recovery web site: http://www.smartrecovery.org/

2. SMART Recovery forums: http://smartrecovery.infopop.cc/6/ubb.x

3. Article: Stages of Change (linked via Sky Site): http://www.skysite.org/stage.html

4. Wellness questions: http://www.student-health.buffalo.edu/lwc/well.shtml

5. Where's my locus of control? From the forum board archives: http://smartrecovery.infopop.cc/eve/...95&m=413101395

6. What is REBT?From the Albert Ellis Institute: http://www.rebt.org/about/whatisrebt.asp

7. Setting goals in recovery; from the forum board archives: http://smartrecovery.infopop.cc/eve/...95&m=837109815

8. Original SMART Online Founding Member 'Arby' describes the CBA: http://smartrecovery.infopop.cc/eve/...1&m=7861021701

9. Rational and Irrational Beliefs, from SMART Recovery, A Sensible Primer, by Dr. Bill Knaus

10. Some links about the effects of alcohol

11. Dr. Rob Sarmiento's Reality Check questions: http://www.cyberpsych.com/reality_check.html

12. "Successes Please!" from the Discussions Forum--an ongoing thread: http://smartrecovery.infopop.cc/eve/...1&m=5426089583

13. SMART Recovery acronyms, from the Greeting Café forum: http://smartrecovery.infopop.cc/eve/...81&m=344002755

14. Articles about rational and irrational beliefs (linked via the Sky Site): http://www.skysite.org/irrational.html

15. Exchange Vocabulary, by Dr. Rob Sarmiento: http://www.cyberpsych.com/vocabulary.html

16. Acceptance and Self-Worth (articles linked through the Sky Site): http://www.skysite.org/usa.html

17. The Trouble with Self Esteem, by Michael R. Edelstein

18. An ABC Crash Course

19. Arby describes the DISARM tool, from the Discussions forum: http://smartrecovery.infopop.cc/eve/...1&m=7751021601

Hang in there! You are making some good choices, and you can do this.
chip
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Old 10-27-2006, 11:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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PapaG wrote:
"...then something stirs in my head that says..well, maybe you'll be ok with a drink this time."

yeah. that's the disease 'talking'. That's what it does. Gets all this circular thinking going, so we get so distracted by it, we'll do almost anything to shut it up.
I wish I knew why it happened. I wish I knew why I get these symptomology things, (cravings, doubts, etc.) but others don't.
I have no answers.
None other than what I'm doing, anyhow.

Good posts!
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Old 10-28-2006, 12:55 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Nice to come back here this morning and find some helpful replies..THANKYOU ALL!


Peace


ps..CHIP...I may have sounded as I was dissin' AA. I wasn't as I have been to a few meetings in the past and I respect what its about...just doesn't feel right for ME but obviously does for many others here. I'll check out the links..thanks very
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Old 10-28-2006, 07:19 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Since I quit I've been filling the void with, guitar playing. I've made huge improvements in my ability since I laid off the drink, and thats what I did last night when "that feeling" came over me.. I cranked up an old Metallica record and played along, and nailed the tough parts for the first time!
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Old 10-28-2006, 12:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi PapaG,

Sorry I came in late to this discussion, but i wanted to say hi and that I can relate to where you are rigght now. i'm sorry you are struggling internally about whether or not you can safely, happily, drink alcohol, hoping that you can, and that things may somehow turn out differently for you this time....

It helped keep me sober today reading your honesty, because it was for me, the most draining mental cycle. my brain actually hurt from all the thinking I did about "to drink-or not to drink".

There, of course, were the other thoughts: AA or not AA...and on and on, until finally I surrendered 100% and came to understand that alcohol is a poison for me. I do not want poison. Not a little, not organic, not just red wine poison, none.zero.

How much more free I am today because of the daily choice to not drink alcohol.

I feel we were given a brain and free will so we may choose well:choose not the momentary pleasures but those things of lasting benefit to self and others. Some people will say that alcoholics lose their free will once they drink alcohol, and for me, this is true.

The good news is that you are in good company here and around the world. There are many who share the path of recovery. We are here to remind you that you do not need to drink again, and that it is worth trying...so that ou will feel unencumbered by the decision making cycle.

I wish you well!

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Old 10-29-2006, 01:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks for your replies!

It's not as if I NEED a drink, I don't. Problem is when i consider how it would be if i did have one. I actually find it easy not to drink, I really don't feel I need it....it's just there's this nagging fear of the consequences if i did drink...but it frustrates me that I have to worry about it at all. I guess i am afraid to let go..not of drinking but of worry....just letting go for the sake of letting go...what would happen if I stopped thinking about it and then it crept up behind me again?

I guess that it's best to let go...otherwise I'll be coiled up, defensive of something that might never happen. It's not as if I have to force myself NOT to think about drinking or indeed smoking...thinking about these things and their horrific consequences is actually a necessary part of ending the craving for any drug...the undoing of the mental attatchment to the drug. I think that I (and many many of you) get trapped in these little tugs-of-war of fear and learning to let go of this fear is of massive benefit.
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Old 10-30-2006, 09:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Kevin read my thread maybe we can help each other.Sometimes at this time I consider myself hopeless.But just keep on drinking all by myself.
LONELY LONELY LONELY
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Old 11-01-2006, 06:10 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Howdy Kevin,

I gave up on worrying about labels - i call myself an alcoholic in AA meetings because that's how we identify ourselves, but as far as whether i fit any such diagnosis doesn't really matter. I just know i'm someone who is better off if i don't pick up that first drink. Which makes it a whole lot easier to just surrender to that fact, rather than trying to fight my inability to drink just one.

- Jim
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Old 11-01-2006, 07:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hi I'v read your thread and in the AA meetings I go to are full of people living life to the fullist and they give thier thanks to AA for helping them live such a life. I know for me I live 24 hours at a time in respect to not drinking. I'v been sober this time for over 2 years and there are days when the old thinking creeps up on me and that I'd love a drink,but then I have to think the drink all the way through. I may not have anything bad happend to me my first time drinking or my 20th time drinking,but I know drinking adds to my depression and just in that fact alone something already bad has happened. I can honestly say I have never had a black out nor a DWI (although I drake a few times and drove),nor have I been arrested,nor have a stole for my drink,nor put myself in the poor house because of my drinking,but my depression from over drinking got me to where I had to seek outside help. I did't like the fact that a mommy would drink every night and I even drank a little while I was pregnant. I drank during b-day celibrations for my kids or any other kind of celibration. I drank over being depressed or having one of life's ills befall on me. Most people do not drink or mommys do not drink as much as I did and it got to me. I hear a lot of stories in AA that I can say they do not relate to me,but I'm sure if I continued to drink perhaps they might in the long run relate to me, see cause you never know what stupid thing your going to do next if you continue to drink. I got pulled over a while back for running a yellow that turned red light. I thanked God that that was not a time when I would have a few beers, I was sober as a judge. I never got a ticket,but just think if it was one of the times I was drinking and driving. At any rate as long as I don't drink for 24 hours at a time I don't have to worry about such things,but be greatful that I'm sober. AA might not be for everyone,but I'v tried many a times of controled drinking or not drinking only to go back to drinking and AA is the only thing I know that will work for me. I have also been sober 6 years at one point only to stop going to meetings and picking up a drink again. If you find yourself in a meeting again of half destroyed drunks then find another meeting! Like I said before The meetings I go to are full of very fufilled active memember of the human race. A lot of meetings we share what we use to be like,so perhaps that is where you got your idea of half destroyed drunks,but most of us that have been sober for a while are not destroyed at all,but are better than ever in living a good honest clean life. Not to say you can't still have some fun in AA
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