I cannot help myself

[Garandguy762]

I posted here some months ago. I wanted to shed light on my addiction, to bring it out from the shadows where it lurks. I wanted to tell people I have had enough, that I vow to quit killing myself. And everyone here was so supportive, and some even took the time to email me kind thoughts and support.

I feel like I have let you all down. I have never met any of you, but I feel like I have failed you. I was unable to stay sober the last time I talked to you. I think I lasted about 6 days, 6 or 7. It was the longest I have gone without a drink in as long as I can remember. But still, I rationalized it. I "rewarded" myself. I drank. I failed.

My life is still intact. But for how long? My 29th birthday was this last Saturday. Jenny took me away and we had a great time. I was able to drink just 2-3 beers and be content on my birthday. I was able to moderate. Until Sunday came. Somehow, I was able to drink 8 beers and quite a bit of rum. Today, I am badly hungover and I NEVER get hungover. So I know I drank a ton.

I am ashamed of myself. Why do I do this? Why do I do this to her? She loves me so much, and i love her so much it hurts. My heart aches because of what I do to her. I am so selfish. How can I do this? I do not even feel human. I have no humanity to constantly shun her love and embrace my bottle. I feel that when I lose her, and I will if I continue on this path, that my life will crumble utterly. I could not go on.

Please God help me. Help me throw off the chains of my genetics, of my choices, of my self-wrought addictions. I want to be human. I want to love like others do, I want to be freed from my prison of loneliness. Please God, I try again...for myself, but also for her.

Thank you for listening to me. again.

[brigid]

What a great post! I love it, I reminds me of how I felt before I stopped drinking, when I realised that I was loosing people because I couldn't love properly when I was drinking. When I realised that alcohol was robbing me of true emotions and love.

You have let no one down!!! Gee, I can't count the number of times I tried to stop drinking. This is something that you will come to I am sure. Remember to love yourself too. I realised that there was nothing wrong with me, I just was a person who needed to not drink. It was no sacrifice when I realised what I had to gain.

I also realised that my body was chemically programmed to make me think in ways to get me to give it alcohol. So I started recognising the alcohol thoughts for what they were, not true thoughts.

It is a journey, I have had highs and lows and learnt so much, I have gained so much. There is no way I would gamble and drink again, I just have a much better life and there is so much more to come. One step at a time, you are making steps towards not drinking and accepting yourself.

peace and love,
Brigid

[michski]

Originally Posted by Garandguy762

I am ashamed of myself. Why do I do this? Why do I do this to her? She loves me so much, and i love her so much it hurts. My heart aches because of what I do to her. I am so selfish. How can I do this? I do not even feel human. I have no humanity to constantly shun her love and embrace my bottle. I feel that when I lose her, and I will if I continue on this path, that my life will crumble utterly. I could not go on.

Please God, I try again...for myself, but also for her.

Thank you for listening to me. again.

((( garandguy )))

I began drinking when I was about your age. I was married to an alcoholic and after acting on a "if you can't beat them, join them" attitude, I found myself alcohol dependent after about 12 years. I tried to get sober while with this guy but our relationship was doomed because I took our drinking "out of the closet" socially. Well, to make a long story short, we broke up because he chose the bottle and not me. Of course I relapsed worse than ever before.

I got into a new relationship with a real codependent guy who wanted to take care of me and heal me... I pushed that relationship to it's limits. I woke up one day with him standing over my passed out body.. he told me he was gonna leave me because he couldn't stand seeing me like I was (he went to alanon btw) and at that moment I had to choose between HIM and MY ADDICTIONS. Memories of the pain I suffered being second to a bottle of booze sickened me.

I couldn't do to him what was done to me so I quit. I chose him and I've never made a better choice in my entire 56 years of life.

The next time you see a beer in front of you visualize your love sitting right next to it and make the choice. The decision is yours. Your genetics have nothing to do with that choice.. You can't hide behind that stuff when it comes to addiction. Self hatred can be overcome and you can flourish. Recovery is mostly about learning how to make good choices for yourself instead of bad ones. Choosing your lover over a bottle is such an excellent place to begin! You will lose her if you don't or make her life on this planet a living hell. Make the good choice for you and for her and for the rest of your lives together.

[thejig]

From my own experience, the best that you can do for yourself (and she will reap the rewards also) is to get yourself to a meeting, listen. Find a Higher Power, Pray. Find a sponsor, work the steps. Don't forget the HALT thing....don't get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
Working for me....and it can for you too. Hang in there bro!
AA HUGS to you

[CarolD]

Welcome Back!

I cannot help myself

I agree. But you do not have to.

I suggest you read your previous post
and our replies.

This can be the start of your new sober life.

Blessing..

[miss communicat]

((((Garandguy))))

Thank you so much for your honesty today. Your post was truly a prayer.

You have sent it out on the airwaves that you seek help and guidance with your alcohol problem, and there IS help for you.

As was suggested:
Go to a meeting. Every day for a while. Saturate yourself in sobriety.
Choose love. Love yourself well, and you will have it in your heart to love others.
Don't go it alone. Accept help. Help others.

Stay with it, even if its just for today.

And, come back tomorrow and we will be here for you again.

Sending love and strength!