Question now being discussed on Family and Friends: re: cheating and alcoholics

[Pick-a-name]

Basically the question asked was:

"Do A's always cheat- or want to?

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This is a question I've pondered for years.
Most people have said to me that it is seperate from his alcoholism. I disagreed.

What do yall say?"
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Anyone here on this board care to offer your observations and/or experience? Personally, I am leaning towards it being related to the increasing self-centeredness that goes with the progression of the disease (of course.some people started that way.....A and non-A,alike). I'd be curious to hear what members of this board could add. Thanks!!

[CarolD]

I don't think this has a darned thing to do with AA...

Of course. adultry is not condoned in society.
I have not..in or out of AA.

My personal opinion is that if you follow our aA
tenents...one does not.

On the "want to" part I have no idea.
I don't read minds.

JMO

[miss communicat]

2 entirely separate issues

[2dayzmuse]

My alcoholic husband cheated. I never did. Of course, alcohol leads us to doing things we normally wouldn't do. My husband would have cheated regardless of whether he was drinking or not. I think it is an individual thing, not an alcoholic thing.

[Don S]

Never cheated, never wanted to. Two separate issues.

I also don't think all people with substance abuse problems are self-centered, at least not in the sense I think that term is being used here. Lots of people with substance abuse problems have very serious self-image and self-acceptance problems.

[Music]

From the Big Book, page 62:
"Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help."

When I was drinking, I did most everything based on what I wanted, needed, or thought I wanted or needed. I was selfish and self-centered to the extreme, and it took several years into my sobriety to get over being selfish and self-centered. I believe moderate(or normal)drinkers are better able to control their basic instincts for pleasure and survival, but alcoholics who find the answer to their problems in the bottle, also find the answer to other problems by using and abusing other people. I hear the words alcoholic and anti-social behavior used in sentences all the time. This response is not meant to be interpreted as an excuse for bad behavior. This is my experience.

[CarolD]

I apology Pick..
My thought you had posted this in our AA forum.
My reply was with that mistaken idea.

"Do A's always cheat- or want to?

I go along with the separate issues idea.
Neither of my husbands was cheater
1 was an alcoholic.
I never cheated...drinking or not.
That is my personal experience.

[Pick-a-name]

Music.thanks; that was the quote from the Big Book that came to mind when I initially read this question on F & F.........to me it seems to be part of the ISMS of alcoholism.

Thank you all for responding. Hope more of you will join in,too!

[Pick-a-name]

Not a problem, Carol;I did copy part of the original post and it can be confusing. And I agree with what you said about AA!
Thanks for the apology, although it was not necessary.

[Little Missy]

"Always" is one of those words where you automatically know the answer. Do alcoholics "always" cheat - or want to? No!! Although I am one that can't say that. What I do know is if I keep doing the next right thing, it won't happen. I seemed to have had a living problem!!

When I was drinking, I was always searching for something. Something was missing from inside of me. I thought my unhappiness was everybody elses fault. I wanted something new and exciting. What I had was never enough.

I have done a lot of terrible things and hurt a lot of people in the process. I am ashamed of the way I behaved. I have made my amends.

Even though I am an alcoholic that cheated doesn't necessarly mean that was the reason I did it. I had a lot of other things going on also.

I guess I just don't think it's fair to make it into a generalization. I'm sure alcoholics that haven't cheated would like people not to just assume they did.

If a wife/husband is looking at drinking as an excuse for their spouses behavior, they may or may not be right. Plenty of non-alcoholic people cheat.

[Kellye C]

I am on the side of the two separate issues camp. I have known plenty of people who cheated who were not alcoholics. I have known plenty of alcoholics who did not cheat.

IMHO people cheat for a multitude of reasons. Some to bolster self-esteem, some for revenge, some because they just don't give a d*mn, some because they are stuck in miserable marriages and rather than work on them they allow themselves to check out the other side of the pasture, some for the "thrill" of getting away with something, some because they are addicted to sex.

You know they say in AA that a sober *sshole is still and *sshole and I think the same could be said of cheaters. I don't think alcoholism and cheating are mutually exclusive. I think you can be either or both or none at all.

Hugs,
Kellye