Still sober...going back to AA?

[Sazzer]

Hi there! I am 11 months sober -- went to AA irregularly the first few months and then quit going. Was on here for a few weeks -- last time was in October of last year. I was in therapy the entire time up until June when I moved out of state, and I have also been doing tons of work on my own (journaling, reading, talking to friends in recovery)

I am thinking about going back to AA now that I'm in a new city/state, but I'm having a tough time getting going. I have the schedules all printed out and have even highlighted the meetings I would like to check out, but I can always find an excuse -- usually I convince myself that I need some "me" time and I will read, write, take a bath, just relax, which isn't all bad, but I suspect that it is just an excuse not to go, not to put myself in an uncomfortable situation.

Where I was living before, I found some meetings that I liked, but didn't really click with. I now think that I was just feeling "holier than thou" and wouldn't take down my walls to be able to really connect. I am trying not to judge myself for it, since I believe that all is well and all things happen when and how they're supposed to.

What I am really trying to figure out is why it is that I feel so reluctant to be a part of something that has helped so many people. Control issue? Probably. I still think I'm in charge a lot of the time. I have convinced myself that I can do this on my own since I have gotten this far. I probably can, but that isn't the point. It would be so much easier to have the support of others who have gone through the same things I have.

I also still have this idea that I'm "not as bad off" as a lot of other folks in AA. I wasn't a real partyer, I didn't end up in rehab or a hospital, nothing really bad ever happened. I was mostly drinking alone at home. I was just self-medicating my depression and avoiding my Self. I got my self-worth from alcohol. My "holier than thou" attitude prevents me from identifying with those whose drinking was different than mine.

On top of the other issues, now that I've been and quit, I feel like I'm behind in all the things you're supposed to do. All the chips, speaking at a meeting, etc. I guess I feel kind of dumb for quitting.

I don't know exactly what kind of response I'm after here, but any help will be appreciated!

Thanks!!

[wishful]

If you're solid in your sobriety, just do what feels right. You might need some time alone for a while.

[2dayzmuse]

What have you got to lose? Schedule a night and just go. You might really enjoy the meeting and the group. If not, try another. I say give it a go then make a decision on whether you continue to go. Some wonderful moments happen in the halls of AA. Moments that can not be reproduced outside in the real world, alcoholic moments that normies can't relate to. You know what I mean? Don't miss out.

[FriendofBill]

On Fathers day, my ex showed our 14 yr old son the list of AA meetings HE had printed out...,yet also had not found the courage to beging attending again. He said he was gonna, ya see, he wanted to get sober again after 3 yrs of relapse.

About an hour ago, I left his house, after 3 hrs of banging on the door, calling and text messaging to see if he was alive or not, getting no response at all. I left. So now, I sit here, heart ripped out, wondering if I will be attending his funeral this week.

In the name of God, get to that f*****g meeting TODAY!

[CarolD]

I have re located twice since I started AA recovery.

By quickly hooking up to AA
I made new friends.. got tips on housing
and jobs..where to shop..

And I stayed in recovery!

[Cindi R]

Like Nike says...
Just do it!

[Islandchild]

Suggestion for you: Call the local AA Hotline. Ask them if they could have someone call you, and see if you could arrange to meet that person at the meeting. Having someone to meet may make the transition easier for you. I live in a resort area and we are so used to having visitors (we even have a "visitor medallion"!) and we welcome them! But even better, we have many people moving into the area. When new residents come to meetings we are also delighted to welcome them. Each new person brings a fresh perspective; a different slant on things. Newcomers, visitors, new residents - we love 'em! Wherever you go, you can count on being a part of something awesome and wonderful - Alcoholics Anonymous. As someone else said - "Just do it!" Ask God to help you - He will if He's asked. Take care - keep us posted.

[Sazzer]

Thanks all! I ended up going to a women's meeting last night and it was really nice to be back. I met a nice woman who also just moved here and was new to the meeting. We are both sort of in the same boat of being away and back. It was actually providential, because I couldn't find the meeting I was planning to go to, so this one was Plan B. Isn't it fun how Plan B is actually God's plan??

The realization came on pretty strong that I do need that support and strength. I'm not so put together as I like to think. Been pretty scattered and confused lately. Pulled in a million directions.

The big things I needed to learn from others in AA:

"Just do the next right thing." It's much easier to just do one thing at a time than to feel like you have to do it all all the time. That's something I'd like to try to do at work. I tend to just go full throttle as soon as I get there and then I get it all done and feel helpless and bored.

The shame and guilt I feel is what other alcoholics are feeling as well. We can decifer it all and work through it together.

The fantasy life I create for myself is what other alcoholics are doing as well. The conversations I plan out, the responses I make to questions or accusations that never happen, all the tragedies and traumas that aren't real are all side effects of this disease and if we band together, we can get through it!

So thank you to all of you for your encouragement.

[CarolD]

Great!

[jmhs002]

Sazzer

I hope you go back to AA and can find some other drunkies that you can relate to. You are not as different from the rest of us as you may think. Go to a meeting OK?
JMHS

[paulmh]

Sazzer said:

The shame and guilt I feel is what other alcoholics are feeling as well. We can decifer it all and work through it together.

The fantasy life I create for myself is what other alcoholics are doing as well. The conversations I plan out, the responses I make to questions or accusations that never happen, all the tragedies and traumas that aren't real are all side effects of this disease and if we band together, we can get through it!

And when we get through it we get some peace. Wonderful peace!

ODAAT!

[Edmundo30]

Originally Posted by Sazzer

What I am really trying to figure out is why it is that I feel so reluctant to be a part of something that has helped so many people. Control issue? Probably. I still think I'm in charge a lot of the time. I have convinced myself that I can do this on my own since I have gotten this far. I probably can, but that isn't the point. It would be so much easier to have the support of others who have gone through the same things I have.

I also still have this idea that I'm "not as bad off" as a lot of other folks in AA. I wasn't a real partyer, I didn't end up in rehab or a hospital, nothing really bad ever happened. I was mostly drinking alone at home. I was just self-medicating my depression and avoiding my Self. I got my self-worth from alcohol. My "holier than thou" attitude prevents me from identifying with those whose drinking was different than mine.

The thing you might want to ask yourself is if you infact CAN quit drinking upon a non-spiritual basis. If the answer is yes then you might not even be one of us. If your internal condition is getting worse since the last time you drank, then you are suffering from a thing the Big Book calls "The spiritual malady". It is the third element of the disease that kills alcoholics IN SOBRIETY. There is the physical craving that indicates when I drink I have to drink more (that's not hard to identify with). The mental obsession (given sufficent reason I cannot keep myself away from it in spite of every sufficient reason). And the spiritual malady-selfshness and self cenerdness and its manifestations---hundred forms of fear, resentment, self-pity, etc etc

I am an alcoholic because I ma bodily and mentally different. The rest of the condition I experience in my sobriety is the root of my disease. The good thing is that when I begin working the steps, my mind and body begin to straighten out.

Ask yourself those questions if you get your hands on a Big Book it will tell you in "We Agnostics" on pg 52..Check out that middle paragraph and check yourself in how your internal life is going away from the drink. Alcoholism is not a condition that can be diagnosed externally. It has to be diagnosed internally. You might believe or think you are alcoholic, but to be absolutely convinced you must have a genuine 1st step experience.

The spiritual malady is something 90 meetings in 90 days cannot treat. I know because I am a card carrying member of that middle of the road stuff and it does not work. Going to meetings is great and it allows me to connect with good people and new people as well, but going to a meeting and listening or sharing about my day is not going to prevent me from going home and thinking about hanging myself because I cannot stand being sober.

Thank God that the steps are there to help me not have to feel that way ever again.

[Sazzer]

Thanks, Edmundo.

I would say that my spiritual self is my strongest self at this point. It may be that my "step one moment" was the sudden realization that I had disconnected from my deepest spiritual Self. Sure, I was concerned about the effect alcohol was having on my body and on my relationships, but my greatest concern was the separation I felt from my Self. I was able to step outside myself and see the narrow path I was on. Then I asked God to become more present in my life (step two/three, I suppose). "Unmanagable" to me, was the separation from my Self and thus, the separation of my Self from God. My True Self. I was still having spiritual experiences, still considered myself a spiritual person while I was drinking, but it wasn't reaching me on the deep level that I truly desired and knew was meant for me (and for all).

A greater spiritual connection is what has replaced alcohol in my life, without the help of AA. I'm not congratulating myself, but I am hoping this explains my somewhat reluctant attitude about going back to AA. I would definitely benefit from it, but at the same time, I do have the fellowship of friends (both alcoholic and not) with whom I can share. I have the fellowship of you all here.

I haven't "arrived". I have to do work step three daily to relinquish Control to God. I am comfortable with the fact that I will probably have to do this forever! I know it is right.

Edmundo -- It's funny you mentioned the Big Book chapter "We Agnostics". I opened my book up and guess where my bookmark was! A "God (or whatever you call it) thing"?

So, I have essentially been "working a Program" which doesn't necessarily include all the steps. I do recognize their value. I do recognize the necessity of the spiritual connection in sobriety. In not attending (many) AA meetings in nearly a year of sobriety, I haven't had a sponsor, haven't been "taken through" the steps per se. Though I have of course read them, I haven't done the work necessary to work through them. But, in actuality, in all my writing and soul/self searching this year, I have probably done some unconscious step work (but I can also recognize the value of conscious step work).

Any further insights/advice/thoughts are greatly appreciated!! Thanks all!

[Edmundo30]

Originally Posted by Sazzer

Thanks, Edmundo.

I would say that my spiritual self is my strongest self at this point. It may be that my "step one moment" was the sudden realization that I had disconnected from my deepest spiritual Self. Sure, I was concerned about the effect alcohol was having on my body and on my relationships, but my greatest concern was the separation I felt from my Self. I was able to step outside myself and see the narrow path I was on. Then I asked God to become more present in my life (step two/three, I suppose). "Unmanagable" to me, was the separation from my Self and thus, the separation of my Self from God. My True Self. I was still having spiritual experiences, still considered myself a spiritual person while I was drinking, but it wasn't reaching me on the deep level that I truly desired and knew was meant for me (and for all).

A greater spiritual connection is what has replaced alcohol in my life, without the help of AA. I'm not congratulating myself, but I am hoping this explains my somewhat reluctant attitude about going back to AA. I would definitely benefit from it, but at the same time, I do have the fellowship of friends (both alcoholic and not) with whom I can share. I have the fellowship of you all here.

I haven't "arrived". I have to do work step three daily to relinquish Control to God. I am comfortable with the fact that I will probably have to do this forever! I know it is right.

Edmundo -- It's funny you mentioned the Big Book chapter "We Agnostics". I opened my book up and guess where my bookmark was! A "God (or whatever you call it) thing"?

So, I have essentially been "working a Program" which doesn't necessarily include all the steps. I do recognize their value. I do recognize the necessity of the spiritual connection in sobriety. In not attending (many) AA meetings in nearly a year of sobriety, I haven't had a sponsor, haven't been "taken through" the steps per se. Though I have of course read them, I haven't done the work necessary to work through them. But, in actuality, in all my writing and soul/self searching this year, I have probably done some unconscious step work (but I can also recognize the value of conscious step work).

Any further insights/advice/thoughts are greatly appreciated!! Thanks all!

Actually the truth is that you are NOT doing the steps. There is no such thing as UNCONSCIOUSLY doing the steps. It's either you do them or not. Look I dont wanna make light of your situation or what not, but the reality is that the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous DOES NOT treat alcoholism..

Meeting and hanging out with people in AA and talking to us here on this message forum is great. But unless you have a thing called a spiritual experience, you probably will not get free and clear of this delusion that you exhibit. When you work the steps you are supposed to do ALL of them because half measures will avail you nothing...You know how you do step 3? You take a pen to paper and begin doing step 4..Wanna know how else you do step 3? You sit down and do a 5th step, and a 6th and 7th, and 8 and 9..Step 10, Step 11, Step 12..All of them I must do because I gave my life over to the care of God as I understood Him and that's exactly what that looks like. If you have not gone past Step 3 its because you have not DONE step 3.

Just like you cannot live off the food you had yesterday, you cannot live off the spiritual experience you had yesterday either. The objective is to get current with this God thing. I dont type here because of a spiritual experience I had a month ago. I type here because I AM having a spiritual experience. And it's called God's grace. I hope you get to experience it as well.

[Sazzer]

Thanks Edmundo. Maybe I wasn't clear. My spiritual experience is not in the past. I am filled with God's grace every minute of every day.

It comes down to the fact that each person's path is different. I am finding my own path, with or without AA. It is between me and God, but as always, I appreciate your comments and experience.

[Sobriety1st]

Best Wishes to you Sazzer..Having only good thoughts of you..I know it is hard, but you can do it..we are all here to help..

[Sazzer]

I just read some great stuff pertaining to this thread from the book Thirst: God and the Alcoholic Experience by theologian James B. Nelson. Just sharing.


As my alcoholism progressed, my thirst for God increasingly became transmuted into a thirst for the seemingly godlike experiences that alcohol induced. Alcohol gave me a sense of well-being and connectedness -- and wasn't that an experience of God? Alcohol released me from nagging sense that I was enver good or competent enough -- and wasn't that God's grace? Alcohol dissolved my worries about the future, allowing me to live in the present -- and wasn't that divine gift? At my core there was a thirst, a thirst for whatever would fill the emptiness.

...Yet my thirst for alcohol never eradicated my thirst for God...One could argue that some alcoholics have been so thoroughly overtaken by the disease that every vestige of desire for greater wholeness, every yearning for something transcendent, has been completely erased.

...When trying to articulate why they wanted so much to keep drinking even in those extremities, they typically convey the conviction that -- even then -- alcohol was not an end in itself. It was a means to something else. And that something else had to do, even if in a terribly inverted way, with a larger and more connected self.

Carl Jung on Roland H.: [Roland's] craving for alcohol was the equivalent on a low level of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness, expressed in medieval language, the union with God...You see, alcohol in Latin is spiritus and you use the same word for the highest religious experience as well as the most depraving poison. The helpful formula therefore is: spiritus contra spiritum. Because in its fundamental dynamic, alcoholism is longing for the Spirit, it finally takes the Spirit to counter the spirits.

There is a thirst behind the thrist. Some of us -- and not only theologians -- will name it the desire for God.