Lost my temper today...

[Islandchild]

Hi folks, Still new to this board, although not newly sober. After 11 years, one would think I had this temper thing licked, but tonight I let my husband have it about "stuff" I had been let build up for weeks. I started off with a "discussion" and ended up screaming and yelling like I used to do when I was drunk and newly sober. Suffice it to say, it wasn't pretty. When this happens I have the oddest sense of being on the outside observing myself become the antithesis of serenity. Sigh.... Have I been to many meetings in the past few weeks? Nope. Have I been meditating much lately? Ah... no. Have I been asked my HP to remove my character defects? Not so much. Now, in hindsight, I can see that I was wanting to control some situations in my family life, and wanting my husband to behave the way "I" thought he should. Humbling, but true.
Time to open up, attend more meetings, make some amends, and sit and be quiet with God. Sharing here is a start.
Thanks for listening. No one understands an alcoholic like another alcoholic!
Leslie

[miss communicat]

Hi Leslie,

I love hearing of the quality of attention you are able to bring on to your own behaviour.

I know its hard, especially when emotions are high, to slow down and catch myself before speaking or acting in frustration or anger, but step 7 really offers me the tools to practice with.

Glad you are here sharing!

[splendra]

(((IC)))

I think you sound like you have at least a handle on yourself. I hope you will appologize to the people or person you yelled at.

Also thanks for the reminder that although I have been sober for a long time the behaviors can still rear thier ugly heads and, if I don't do something about it my life could get out of control azgain...

[Little Missy]

((Leslie)) Welcome to SR. So glad you are here.

Amazing how we can now see what is "wrong" with us and what we need to do about it. Thank you so much for sharing. It's yet another reminder to me to keep doing what I'm doing. I can definately feel when my serenity is slipping!!

Hope you stick around and share your experience, strength, and hope. I know I could use it!! LOL

[one of]

Hi Leslie,

I've been staying close to the AA fellowship and its Twelve Step spiritual growth program for over 30 years now, and haven't yet needed to go back to the bottle or take up drugging. Yet I still lose my serenity of spirit and inner peace when the people in front of me on the city streets and highways won't drive the way I want them to. It's only when the disturbance to my peace becomes truly uncomfortable that I'm reminded that I'm being "his majesty the baby once again." That, in my opinion, is how we grow. First we learn from the program that we are responsible for feeling calm, serene, and at home in the universe today, and that that is the way a Loving God would want us to feel, and then we make use of the twelve steps (especially the decision we make in step 3) whenever we lose that sense of being at home in the universe in order to get it back.

How long it takes to get to the point where we are never disturbed by anything around us . . . I don't think is under our control. I can't be responsible for how spiritually grown up I'm becoming or I'd be full of pride in my accomplishment . I think the safe way is just to be willing to return to a state of serenity by using the tools of the program, including making amends and seeing through my right to be miserable, and not beat myself up because I'm not a spiritual grown up yet. If I am willing to return to step 3 each time I "lose it," in order to get freed from the discomforts of being upset, I suspect that each time I do so I gain an iota or two of additional humility of spirit.

If it all makes sense, I suspect that I probably have available to me whatever number of lifetimes it takes, continuing to come back into physical existence somewhere in the universe, until the process is complete, and I am operating 100 percent of the time out of that infinite capacity to love and desire to serve which stems from attaining a state of pure and continuous humility of spirit, and will finally be free. In the meantime, I'm in no rush, and categorically refuse. as I said, to beat myself up for not being able to act like a spiritual grown up before I are one. Love and Blessings - Chuck

[Islandchild]

Chuck, I thank you for your response. I have been down this road before (actually, detours on the "journey"). Many times. Still, I think about the earlier times in sobriety, when my temper would go off seemingly without provocation - and it doesn't happen like that so much anymore. Thank God. I try not to beat myself up too much anymore, yet it is humbling... Since my post, I have called my sponsor and other recovering friends, doubled up on my meetings, and dusted off a favorite meditation book. God has a way of letting me know when I need to work on that "spiritual growing up" - as you put it. I may never attain perfection, but I need and want to keep going! Again, I appreciated your comments - and the others as well.
Leslie

[Sazzer]

Hi Leslie --

I just wanted to say thanks to you for your post (and for your helpful response to a previous post of mine). It is great to hear someone so in tune with her emotions and to realize that even though you know what's going on -- being on the outside observing yourself -- you are still aware that you have to work to keep that serenity in the midst of it.

Experiencing sort of the same thing (replacing the anger with frustration and confusion), I was called to go back to AA, back to meditation and friends. Thanks to your post and the others, I had the courage to "keep going" as you are doing!

Glad you're doing better!
Sazzer

[laurie6781]

Leslie, I too used to get angry, to the point of going into rages.......now I had had this problem since I was about 5 years old. The rages would be so bad, that all I could hear was a roaring in my ears and I would literally see red.

These continued into sobriety but not as often. Thought I was doing pretty good, and then I had a real 'humdinger' in 1997. That was the 8th one in 11 years sober. Fortunately, the son of a friend who lived on the property behind me, was able to literally 'herd' me into my house, with my injured poodle in my arms. He shut the door on me and told the neighbor whose dog had been responsible for the injuries to take his dog and get away for at least 24 hours. Bill would later tell me he hoped he never saw that look on my face again. He said my eyes were flat, no life, and he could actually see the rage just racing through my body. He was positive at the time, had I been able to get my hands on Danny I would have killed him or at the very least seriously injured him.

It was then I knew that I had to find a solution, I could not live, not knowing when one might occur again. So with suggestions from my sponsor, I started by dissecting the latest incident. Looking back at what had happened. Briefly, the neighbor was a practicng alcoholic, and he had a fairly young blue heeler dog, that would constantly get out of his yard. He was told not only by me, but his landlord that he MUST keep the dog chained in the yard. The dog got out again, got his head and front legs into my yard and grabbed my miniature poodle by the head and started trying to shake him to death. The poodle by the way did recover, but had several holes all the way down to his skull and one that went through the skull.

Where I went wrong was MY EXPECTATIONS. My expectation of another to do the right thing........and every incident of my rage boiling over was a result of my expectations. Now today I realize that others cannot read my mind, rofl, but for a long time I had no idea, that expectations were not only the cause of my anger, but my resentments as well. ie instead of expecting Danny to keep his dog chained in his yard, I should have reinforced my fence to make sure another dog could not get in.

Today, its not so much that I expect the worst of people (because I do not) it's just that I accept them the way they are with all their faults and assets. Thus, it falls back on me.......to build my own self worth, to ask for help when I need it, and to hire help if need be.

Yes, there are certain expectations I am entitled to have, ie if I pay the bill I should have electricty, that if I turn in all the requested paperwork that Social Security requires, it will not take them 2 years and 7 months to approve my claim, etc. Now when these things do not happen, I have legal roads I can take (in the case of SS did take, lol) to correct the problem. I can expect that the lady from the agency that comes to help me with certain things I now have trouble wth will do her job. If she doesn't, I need not rail at her, I call her supervisor, and render a list of problems.

This did not magically happen overnight.......once again I was back in practice, practice, practice mode. Still am. I am constantly aware, today, of my own actions. I am also happy to report that the number of rages that have occurred in my sobriety still stands at 8 and I am 25 years sober now. The one in 1997 was the last one to date.

Like everything else in my sobriety, the above has taken lots of hard work on my part. However, to this alkie, all the hard work of sobriety has been well worth it!!!!!! I have a life today that I could never, and I mean never have imagained.

Leslie I am so happy to see that this episode of your 'temper' has gotten you back to 'workng' on your recovery. It is so great to see someone using their tools, ie identifying the problem and getting into the solution. I believe this thread you started can show many that we are all still stuggling about one thing or another on our Road Of Recovery and that there are solutions.

Thank you so much for starting this thread.

Love and (((((to all))))),