Having a bad day

[MNGirlyGirl]

I'm having a really bad day. Had a bad day at work yesterday and did everything not to drink last night. I have 85 days sobriety.

Today is going to be a long road. I am a short bike ride away from a liquor store that is calling my name. I have no one to call. ..... and that makes me feel even more sorry for myself. I hate this self pity thing, but I can't snap out of it this time. I suppose watching the Deer Hunter on TV isn't helping. (LOL) how pitiful....

[Bean123]

MN-

I'm in minnesota too. I've been on this board for a month or so and have enjoyed reading your posts.

I'd say go outside and talk a walk or something, but it too hot and sticky.

Maybe a meeting would help? None in Plymouth today, but here's a few relatively close to you (If you can't get there and want to talk to someone, call (651) 227-5502 (St paul intergroup) or 952 922 0880 (MPLS intergroup):

Cavalier Sat. Night AA Meeting Cavalier Club (North Plaza Bldg)
5217 Wayzata Blvd #31
(55416) Saturday
8:00:00 PM

Age of Miracles Oak Knoll Lutheran Church
600 Hopkins Crossroad
(55305) Saturday
6:00:00 PM Closed Men and Women Big Book

AA Today Highwood Office Center
15612 Hwy 7, Suite 150
(55345) Saturday
6:00:00 PM Open Men and Women Step

Saturday Night AA West Suburban Alano
14407 Excelsior Blvd
(55345) Saturday
7:00:00 PM Open Men and Women


New Brighton Alano
2284 West County Road I
New Brighton, MN 55112
Phone: +1 (763) 717-9196
Attendance: Closed
Time and duration: 7:00 PM — 60 Minutes
Format: Big Book

Uptown Club
1344 Summit Avenue
St. Paul, MN 55105
Directions: Southwest corner of Summit and Hamline
Phone: +1 (651) 698-9042
Attendance: Closed
Time and duration: 4:00 PM — 60 Minutes

The Uptown and New Brighton ones are further, but have been to both and they are good!

Whatever you do, hang in there! And be glad you're not Jon Voigt!

[chip]

Hey MNGirlyGirl-
Hang in there! You are doing very well, and there's people on this forum who are also trying to stay sober. I'd be lying if I said it was easy for me to stay sober. You will have bad days and good days in sobriety. Remember how awful things were when you were in the dark days of your drinking. I often remind myself that my worst day sober is better than my best day drinking. I had alot of fun in my drinking days, but in the end it was a dark hole of despair. I know if I start drinking again, I'll go right back to where I was....in utter darkness. I hope you feel better soon, and keep strong. Stick around SR. You're not alone!!!

I'll bet you'll feel better if you can get to an AA meeting.
chip

[MNGirlyGirl]

Thanks Bean. I don't have a license right now but I did go to a meeting this morning (7-Hi in Minnetonka) -- but it wasn't a "regular" meeting. We discussed some AA issues (I think this is a yearly thing). I"ll just try to keep busy and do some cooking or something. You are right about too hot and humid out. Took the dog to the lake this morning but to sticky now.

Thanks Chip! You are right about thinking about the bleak days. Funny how we don't focus on that part ... or the hangover part. Lot's of project around the house to do. Now if I only felt like doing them!!!

Actually, think I'll take my bike out and check out the new shopping mall near my house. Who cares if I get sweaty!! Gosh I hate this. haven't been in this place in quite some time. I turned on the Food Channel and they were making martinis of all things. Help!!!

[Malcolm]

MN, you're helping me today, and I'm sure you're helping others. Beyond the lack of hangovers and the basic alcohol associated issues, staying sober is helping you help others, I think that's a good thing.

[Kellye C]

I agree with Malcolm. You coming here and admitting today's struggle and what you're doing to combat it is showing others that regardless of the struggle, we can still get through this one day without picking up a drink. I have days like this too but now it's more like hours or half hours instead of days but I still hate it. I use it as a type of early warning system and I start looking trying to find out what is REALLY going on. Did somebody hurt me? Is there something I'm not wanting to face or that scares me? Am I lonely? What can I do, besides drink, to be good to myself and nurture myself? What do I really want? Most times this helps. For the really hard days I try to take a trip down memory lane and remember just how miserable it was getting sober. Or I get on the newcomers board and remember that way. Or I go to a meeting and watch those that are either brand new or just coming back. Or I go to a meeting and focus on helping someone, making someone laugh or smile, doing something for the good of my group, something to take me out of my own head. These things work for me and I hope they will work for you.

One more thing I'd like to say. I struggled at 30 days, 90 days, 6 months, 9 months, 1 year and 18 months. I'll soon have two years and I can see hints that it may be a struggle too. During these struggles my disease tries to tell me "You've gone xx number of days without a drink so maybe you're not REALLY an alcoholic." To that I say bullsh*t! These thoughts really scared me until I shared about them in a meeting. I was pulled aside after the meeting and told that these thoughts are normal and they are our disease talking to us. They are our first thought and they don't matter. What matters is our second thought, where we decide what to do about that first thought, that counts. Don't know if that will help anybody else but it sure helped me and still does when I have these insane thoughts.

Keep posting on here and let us know how you do and know we are all here for you!
Kellye

[MNGirlyGirl]

Thank you Malcolm!

Kellye, you are so right. I have to deal with the underlying feelings.
What is so scary to me is that there is a little voice in my head trying to rationalize why I can drink just this time. Because I know I will feel so remorseful, there is the alcoholic side saying, maybe not...!!

Thanks for letting me "talk" this out guys!

[Kellye C]

Yeah, it is scary. That's why they say this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful (the one thing they don't add is it is also patient). But, if you know the enemy then you can fight it. Your disease will lie (in the form of rationalization, justification, distorting the facts - it wasn't THAT bad or whatever it can) but you have to focus on the truth of how it really was.

I don't know where you are at in the way of steps, sponsors etc but the first person who worked with me had me write out my entire drinking history. I did this in story version - I didn't want an outline as I needed to write about it in depth. In this I wrote about the things that had happened as a result of drinking, the harms I had caused, the consequences of my behaviors, the way I felt physically after drinking, the way I felt so empty emotionally, the ways I let down myself, my kids, my family, my friends, my job etc. The methods I had used to try to stop drinking and the results of those methods. I didn't dissect them, I just wrote them down so I could truly look at and grasp how powerless I was over alcohol and how unmanageable my life had become. The other good thing about writing all this out is when you have a rough time where the disease is lying to you, you can go back and read what you wrote and see exactly how it was.

Next thing, write a list of the things you hope to accomplish in sobriety. Set some short term goals and some longer ones. Look at these as often as necessary to help you remember why you're doing this. Keep posting on here too!

Hang in there, this too shall pass!
Kellye

[Malcolm]

Originally Posted by MNGirlyGirl

Thank you Malcolm!

Kellye, you are so right. I have to deal with the underlying feelings.
What is so scary to me is that there is a little voice in my head trying to rationalize why I can drink just this time. Because I know I will feel so remorseful, there is the alcoholic side saying, maybe not...!!

Thanks for letting me "talk" this out guys!

We all know denial followed by rationalization, but we don't always recognize it. I know that I blow by it on a regular basis, but you see it and are working on it. Talking it out is the way to go in my humble opinion.

[fraankie]

do your best
congrats on 85 days


best
fraankie

[Edmundo30]

Whenever I get a chance to meet someone new in AA, and they tell me they are feeling really crappy since trhey stopped drinking I always ask them if they are currently working the steps with a sponsor..The answer is NO most of the time.

I never tell new people in AA "HEY IF YOU DON'T WORK THE STEPS YOU WILL DIE!!"

Scaring people into doing the steps never works especially for me. I always tell those people, "IF YOU DON'T DO THE STEPS YOU MIGHT LIVE A WHILE LONGER FEELING JUST LIKE THAT."

It usually gets their attention.

So the only thing I could say to you, MNGirlyGirl, is that if you do not get to working the steps you will probably live a while longer feeling just like that...

Just remember that the sooner you work the steps, the sooner you'll stop feeling that way

[chip]

I just want to add one more thing....

Lately, I've been looking at my sobriety as a gift from my HP. When I was drinking, I wasn't fully alive. Near the end, I was a zombie...sort of a living dead person. Hangovers, sickness, trouble with the law, trouble at work, guilt, shame....all this stuff has been lifted from me. My higher power has saved me, and given me the gift of sobriety.

It's an amazing gift we all have. Isn't it wonderful that we can be sober togehter? Good times, bad times...I'm so thankful for the simple gift of sobriety. At least I can really feel what the world feels like (even when it hurts).

Pain is something we walk through, and misery is what we sit in. I can't remember where I heard this or read it...but it helped me. All things will pass. 85 days is an awesome accomplishment Girlygirl!!! I wish you all the best, and I hope you have a great 24 hours.

Oh yeah, thanks for letting me ramble in your thread.
chip

[thankful1]

Pain is something we walk through, and misery is what we sit in.

Thank you I like that!

[thankful1]

Sorry somehow I posted that one 2x...... oppsie. My sponsor yrs ago used to tell me that "You will never have 2 days the same back to back" key word 'the same', it does get better, hang in there. Many good replies here. Hugs for you.

[MNGirlyGirl]

Originally Posted by Edmundo30

So the only thing I could say to you, MNGirlyGirl, is that if you do not get to working the steps you will probably live a while longer feeling just like that...

Just remember that the sooner you work the steps, the sooner you'll stop feeling that way

Thanks Edmundo -- you are right that I need to be working the steps. I'm on step 4 and dragging my feet a bit. I haven't been feeling crappy in general. I actually have been feeling great. I just had a really bad day at work friday and then yesterday my cravings kicked in and it scared me to death. Otherwise, I'm very happy in my sobriety -- but point taken. I need to work my steps. I guess getting a sponsor would also be somethign I need to do. But, there are no women who volunteer to be sponsors at my meeting.

[jmhs002]

MN -
Glad to see you are still around and sober! Step 4/5 are tough - but the payoff can be tremendous. Have you found a regular meeting? How about a sponsor? My home group has been critical in my sobriety. Hope you feel better soon.
JMHS