how I feel today

[chip]

My sponsor asked me how I feel about myself. I didnt know what to say. My first thought was to try and figure out what he would want me to say. My second thought was to honestly seach down inside for the truth. I don't like thinking about how I feel. I'm a chronic escapist. I practice avoidant behaviour. I don't like facing reality.

My name is chip and I'm an alcoholic. I suffer from the disease of denial. When my sponsor asked me how I feel about myself, I couldn't give him an answer. Later, after some thought, I came to the conclusion that I often look outward to decide how I should feel. I look at my success in whatever arena I choose, to measure my self worth. I would've felt great if I could have given him a great answer. I couldn't answer his question, and it made me feel pretty unstable. Later, after a successful night at work, I felt good about myself.

I will throw myself into what ever I have at my disposal to escape myself. When I was practicing my alcoholism, I would throw myself into drinking heavy. Now that I'm sober, I find that I really get into my hobbies, and I find comfort in that.

Here's the good news folks: Today, God (my HP of choice) really helped me out. I had an inspiring meeting, and a very good prayer time today. I've been given a sample of a great peace tonight. By throwing myself at my God, I was relieved of the bondage of myself. I have a disease of extreme selfishness and self involvement. It's deadly if left un-checked. I need God to rescue me from myself. Today, God rescued me. I enjoyed another day of sobriety, and I felt a true sense of purpose.

I feel like this: I want to be the person God wants me to be. If I'm living out God's will, it's the best chance I have to feel alright with who I am. If I become what God wants me to be, I'll be alright. As I sit here, sipping my cold can of pop, I feel pretty good. I'm so thankful for the program of AA, my HP and this website. I'm so thankful that I can write this down here, and affirm my belief in a power greater than myself, and stronger than my addictions.

I wish anybody who reads this peace and serenity.
chip

[findingout]

Wow Chip, great post. I can completely relate to "My first thought was to try and figure out what he would want me to say." because that's how I lived for most of my life. It was almost never about how I actually felt and almost always about what I believed would create the best impression of me. For me, one of the positive things about AA is being in a situation where there is no one to impress and no one to hide from.

I guess some could argue that in trying to be the person my higher power wants me to be, I am still doing the same thing - looking outside myself for direction and avoiding the tough question of finding out who I am and who I want to be all by myself and being happy with the answers without any sort of external measuring system. Perhaps there is some truth in that, but at least my higher power doesn't impress easily, can't be lied to, and takes a much longer term view of who I should be. I can ask "OK Higher Power, I've done things your way for a while, can I go back to doing it my way now?" and my Higher Power will reply "Sure, go ahead and do that, I've got all the time in the world. But you don't."

One Love, One Heart,
Tony

[CarolD]

Awesome testimonies for recovery from the 2 of you!
Thanks Chip and Tony

Here is how I picture my sobriety

Think of a triangle
The base is God.. the sides are AA and Carol

As long as I am firmly on the base
and connected to the other side

I feel fantastic!

[Sugasnaps]

I think that is awesome Chip. Truly wonderfully awesome.

{{hugs}}

Suga

[fraankie]

keep it simple
"i feel good"
"i feel tired"
etc

some good stuff there, chip

best
fraankie

[chip]

Thanks for reading! I appreciate the encouragment Suga...hugs right back at ya!

I like what Tony and Carol said as well. Tony- Yes, I can see how giving one's life to a higher power is seeking external influence. I agree that it is a much more honest and positive approach to life. My HP repersents all that is good in the world. How can this be wrong? How can there be any other path to happiness? Your words have helped me today.

Carol- I really like your triangle analogy. I think about my priorities: God, family and career. My sobriety is a crucial piece to keeping things in good order. Good orderly direction will keep me sober. God is the answer I've found in my life, and I hope I always keep that channel open. God will always be there for me as long as I open my heart.

I wish everyone here another 24 hours of peace and contented sobriety.
chip

[lulu70]

So glad to hear you sounding so positive, Chip. I know you've been going through some rough stuff here recently. I have to tell you, I didn't realize how tough my first year of sobriety was until I actually got through it! You are doing so well. It is still hard for me to believe you are the same person who came here some 9 months ago. It reconfirms my belief in the miracle of AA.

Doing God's will? Man, I can complicate that. Of course, I can complicate a peanut butter sandwich. For me, I just try to focus on what is going to bring me peace and help me to feel good about myself--that is what I believe my HP wants for me. Sometimes it takes me a long time to figure out what is going to do that for me, but when I do, it is worth it!!

Thanks for posting. I really enjoyed the read.

[chip]

Hi Laura,
I can't believe I'm the same guy who came here 9 months ago. I just rambled in another thread about how I feel my sobriety is a gift. I'm so thankful for the gift, and I wish to show my gratitude to my HP by living the right way. It's amazing how AA has put God back into my life. I'm so thankful to be here.

I'm also thankful for wonderful people like you. Thank you for helping me out during the tough times.
chip

[chip]

Have a great day!!!

[Sugasnaps]

You're my hero Chip! Seriously hehe