Live it!!

[Little Missy]

Where I live, I have been hearing a lot of he said, she said, he did, she did about AA members. A lot of it is about newcomers.

However, in meetings, I have to sit and listen to these newcomers talk for 10-15 minutes about their problems and how well they are handling them without drinking. Which is good that they are not drinking.

My problem, and I will bring this up in the meeting tonight, is I really don't care to listen to how well you think you are doing. When you turn around and are hateful, manipulative, etc. outside of the meeting.

IMO, AA is not about just not drinking. It's about living a happy, productive life. Being of service to others. I have been listening for months to these people talk. Thinking some are sicker then others. They may get it, they may not. But I think it is time to bring to their attention, we don't just say it, we LIVE it!!

One person was even in jail (for past wrongs) and was calling the sponsor collect and wanting AA to take up a collection to get them out of jail. WHAT!?!?!?!? This is not what AA is for!! You do the crime, you do the time. We will be there to help you when you get out. We are not here to give leagle advise, we are not your bank. We will help you learn to live life sober, to make amends for past wrongs and hopefully have a better future.

If I leave a meeting and go out and behave the same way I did when I was drinking, only without the drinking, then there is very little spiritual progress.

It's not what we say, it's what we do!!

[Bean123]

Originally Posted by Little Missy

IMO, AA is not about just not drinking. It's about living a happy, productive life. Being of service to others.

Missy, I'm going to hijack your thread a little in the hopes of getting some help. I'm one of those newbies (though I don't talk much) and can feel myself slipping back into old patterns -- everything but the drinking. Its scary and even though I haven't really seriously thought about drinking yet, I know that if I don't make changes in my life outside of AA its going to end badly and I'm getting a little scared.

How did you make the changes to lay the foundations for a happy, productive life? I know there are many things I can do with the extra time and energy I have, I'm just hoping someone can repeat them to me and maybe share ways they they changed their lives after drinking. I need some inspiration.

Also, I'm a bit freaked out about seeing relatives (4th of july weekend) for the first time since I quit drinking. I haven't told anyone about my how bad my drinking got or that I'm trying to quit. They might already know, but that's different than telling them. Not sure how I'm going to handle that.

Just generally having a bad day. Haven't been to a meeting since Friday -- longest I've gone since I quit drinking. Hmmm... maybe that has something to do with it.

Thanks for listening

[CarolD]

Hi Bean..glad to see you here!

For me...the base of my balance is using the Steps daily.
I also pray often for peace and direction.

I usually go to 4 meetings a w week to stay connected.

Here are some ideas that kept me sober during social events...

Go late Leave early Take your own car.

Take a non drinking friend with you.

Carry your AA phone contacts to use if you get antsy.

Dance a lot.

Get your own drink and keep it with you.
A 7 up + Line looks alcoholic.

Smell before you drink...glasses do get switched.

When asked if you want a drink...
"No... this is fine..thanks"

No explanation are needed.
Sober people seldom push
Drunks won't remember or care

In the BB starting at the botton of
100 please read before a party.

Take care...

[Little Missy]

((Bean)) Hang in there. It does get better. I'm glad you posted!! It's good that you are noticing that something is not right. Now you have to find out what it is and take some action!!
I know you've probably heard this before, but that is what works for me. Get a sponsor, read the big book, work the steps, go to meetings, and pray!!

I really threw myself into my recovery at the start. Kind of went at it like gang busters. hehe I listened and learned everything I could about alcoholism from people who have been there done that. I was still very angry and thought I had really been ripped off not to be able to drink anymore. What had I done to deserve this?

Keep posting, get your thoughts out. Let us know where you are at (what step, do you have a sponsor). I personally believe the key is in the steps. Learning about ourselves, and why we think the way we do, our character defects (boy was I shocked!!). In working the steps, I finally found peace. Now that I am at peace with myself, I can be at peace with others and my surroundings.

BTW, you don't have to tell your family about your drinking if you are not ready. If you feel they will be of support then you may want to tell them. But no one understands an alcoholic, like another alcoholic does. They just can't. If there is going to be alcohol there, you may have to stay away. That's your choice. But if you have an uneasy feeling before you go, that may be a sign you are not ready to be around it yet. I have to be spiritually fit to be around alcohol.

I now have a choice on how I behave in my life. I still call others in the program, to get rational thoughts when I'm not thinking straight. Watch out for anger, resentments, ego, self pity. Those are major things for us. Don't isolate. Keep talking and work through things so you can keep moving forward.

Also, list 5 things you are grateful for everyday. Don't repeat them for a week. This gets us to thinking about the little gifts in life that we tend to take for granted. When feeling down or sorry for myself, I'd re-read what I had wrote.

I highlighted things in the Big Book that stuck out to me. When I felt like drinking, I would pick up the book and read the highlighted sections.

Help others!! Get out of self. They say, your mind is like a bad neighborhood, don't go there alone!! Volunteer to make coffee at the meeting. Help clean up after. We can also be of service to others outside of AA. Volunteer at a hospital. Send a card to a friend or family member, just because.

Start a hobby. If your anything like me, I didn't want to do anything that I couldn't drink while doing it. Had to learn to do some activities without drinking. This is a time of self discovery. What is it that you really enjoy doing?

Recovery is a journey, not a destination!!

[Little Missy]

Wow, that was long!! Bet you're sorry you asked!! LOL

P.S. when needing to sleep read one of my posts!!

[miss communicat]

Missy,

THANK YOU for this topic!

Bean,

Thank you for your honesty.

CarolD,
Thank you for your experience.

Its all so positive. I think I'll keep coming.~~~

[jlo34]

The meetings packed with the most and stay the most focused, Bean, also tend to be the book studies. Attend the Big Book studies and the 12&12 studies. Work the steps hard, as though your life depends on it, because it does! Many people seem to balk at step 4, put it off, and wonder why they keep ending up drunk. Personally, I think that's the big key.

One of my sponsees, just celebrated 3 months sober. I got upset because she's been bringing up step 4 at meetings and people have actually been discouraging her to take this step yet! Many feel it's "too soon" for her! WHAT?!?!?! When reading the Big Book those first several people went through ALL the steps within days to a few weeks!!! If you have a firm grasp on one step (and I do mean, FIRM GRASP), move onto the next. There is NO NEED to sit there and "wait" for an appropriate time to do "a step"!!! That's how people end up getting drunk, in my opinion.

You want to enhance your sobriety, Bean? Book studies, work the steps hard, service work, commit to at least 1 meeting a day, work with your sponsor(s), work hard on that spiritual contact, pray....pray like you've never prayed before...with all the humbleness and sincerity you can and ask for help. It all begins with surrender.

Sobriety is NOT for wimps. Sobriety, good peaceful sobriety, is for those who are really sick and tired of being sick and tired, and are really tired of fighting anymore. Sobriety is for people who aren't too afraid to look at oneself and are willing to change. Sobriety is for people who are Honest, Open-minded and Willing (HOW).

Find someone that has the type of sobriety YOU want. Ask them how they are achieving it. Chances are they will answer with the same as the above suggestions.

Blessings,
Jen

[collinsmi]

Well Bean, if you're like me, you will either do steps or suffer the consequences. This unease you speak of sounds farmiliar, I remember feeling something like that before many times. For me, it always abated after a while, whether I did steps or not. Every other time, I took less and less action, and soon it wasn't a big deal. I began to wonder if I wasn't making a big deal out of nothing. Sooner or later, I wasn't an alcoholic anymore, and by God, it was time for a beer! This happened 2 or 3 times at different points in my drinking career.

This time I hooked up with a sponsor that insisted I do steps. One of the first things he asked me was "are you willing to do what it takes?". He asked me 3 times in a row and I said yes each time. Really, I wondered if there was something the matter with him! So, I got busy, with him goading me all the way. Probably, I couldn't or wouldnt do the steps on my own (for one thing I couldn't find the step directions on my own). Things didn't start getting better right away either, for a while they seemed to get worse! That period lasted about 6 months, I think. It did end though, and I began to act and see things a little differently. That stress-o-meter that seemed to be pegging out in the red danger zone got back down to acceptable readings too. By the way, I didn't drink either, or since. Soon after that 6 months I began to notice that not drinking was not such a big deal. Still I kept doing the steps, hitting meetings, reading the big book, praying, doing my coffee maker meeting, etc. I also found out that I could go to events like 4th of July parties, even bars, without having to worry about drinking. When I went home on vacation, I stopped to see old buddies that seemed to drink ALMOST as much as I did in the bad old days. As well as being comfortable not drinking in these situations, I noticed things I'd never noticed before. A group of 4 would finish a 12 pack of beer and no one would leave or pass around the hat! It was like they got to where they wanted to be, consumption wise. That was never the case with me when I drank, you might say for me it was the journey, not the destination ! Now, I don't consider their drinking and my drinking to have been the same activity. There ought to be different verbs to describe for those types of drinking! My drinking might have looked similar, but it was fundamentally different.

I had to (do step) work to get to that point of comfort though, it didn't just happen. Had I not done the work and gone into those situations, I might very well have drank.

Good luck whatever you choose to do...

[Bean123]

Thanks to all of you for the advice, esp Collinsmi (for this and other posts you've given me). Your first paragraph above describes exactly where I am heading. Exactly. I can see it. I will try hard to fight it.

It really helps me to know that there are others out there who wish me well. as I am having another bad day today but no drinking. This is hard. Day 39 (It think).

I will get to a meeting tonight at 6:30 and will fill you in. Thanks

[Little Missy]

Good for you ((Bean)) It works if you work it!!

[collinsmi]

Glad if I was helpful. I'd hate for anyone to have to go through what I did. After I was 23 or so, it just seemed like the same crap, the same melodrama over and over and over again. Sure, later I got my first DUI, my divorce, etc., but the way I thought and felt just kept repeating itself!

Let me know how the meeting turns out!

[Bean123]

I was miserable in the meeting and tried to speak about the step at hand (11) but just came out as a mumbling rambling mess. Better than no talking I guess. At least they kinda know where I am at. There were also three new people there (out of a small group of 8) so that made it harder to open up, but I need to get used to that (I was new only 5 weeks ago).

The good news is I went 15 minutes early and had a nice chat with an old timer (21 years sober and still goes to 2-3 meetings a week).

I told him that the first 30 days were easy but this last week sucked. He said "Ah, the pink cloud is gone and now the real work can start." We chatted for a while more then I went into the meeting.

I just now emailed him asking him to be my temp sponsor (the group phone list said he sponsors (BTW, if any of you out there run meetings, the 'will sponsor' column on phone lists is extremely helpful and while I'm at it, plentiful and clear indoor signage with directions to the meeting is also a plus)). I also have his number and will call if I don't get a response in acouple of days.

Emailing him was a big step for me and hopefully will mark the beginning of the 'real work' for me. Its up to me. No one is going to do this for me.

I'm off to another meeting now.

Bean

[Little Missy]

((Bean)) Temp sponsor is a huge step in the right directions. Congrats on taking that step. I know, it is hard for us to reach out.

IMO, it's kind of odd that 8 members 3 being new would have a discussion on the 11th step. Is this a step meeting you are attending? Hard to share about something you have no experience in. When we have newcomers, we share about steps 1, 2, and 3. What it was like and what it is like now!!

Sometimes every meeting I go to for a while is about those 3 steps because of the newcomers. Oh well, never hurts to reinforce them!!

[collinsmi]

Sounds good! I don't know about those temp sponsors - I've had the same one for almost 9 years. Good luck! Let me know what happens!

[fraankie]

right on
right on
right on



best
fraankie

[Bean123]

Thanks Missy and sorry again for highjacking the thread -- you were just saying exactly what I was thinking when you started it. I'm very happy with the responses I got.

Regarding the meeting last night, thanks for your thoughts - its nice to hear details about how other meetings are run.

In this case, I wasn't clear in my description. Its a group of around 15-20 each week. Once it starts, we break up into two small groups. Always before we break into two groups, the question is asked if anyone wants a first step. Last night no one responded yes. Another member chimed in that because there were three new people, maybe we should do a first step. All of the new people said they were new to the meeting but not to aa so didn't want / need a first step. So they were new to me, not to AA.

I will admit it is a little strange talking about steps I haven't done yet, but I think I'd go nutso if I had to do a first step meeting 3-5 times a week (though not all of the meetings I go to are step). I've only done the first step and as you've probably gathered, don't have a sponsor yet.

I do get something out of hearing other people's stories. 4 and 8 and 9 freak me out the most, but probably just the fear of the unknown. At least I feel like I ready to start down the road.

Bean

[Bean123]

Missy, Collinsmi, Carol, Frankie and Jlo (and everybody else)-

Well, I've gone and done it now. Just got an email back saying that he'd 'be honored' to be my sponsor and that he says we should get started right away (gulp) with a meeting over coffee.

I will contact him tomorrow. Wish me luck. Will post again in a new thread later. Got other work to do for now. Gonna try out some of the good tips for keeping myself busy too. Just got back from another meeting (3 days in a row and feeling much better). Family stuff can wait for now.

Thanks and have a good 4th!

[collinsmi]

Great! Let us know how it works out!

[Little Missy]

That is wonderful news!! Your sponsor will show you the way!!

Don't worry about hijacking the thread. It's all relevent. Gotta give it away to keep it!!

[Kellye C]

Bean, good for you for getting that sponsor. Now the work can start and the relief will follow! Keep us posted on how things are going!