Big Book 4th step "The only way for me"

[HERRERA]

Good Morning Family, My name is Isabel and I am an alcoholic. I'm writing my "life story" that will lead up to my 4th step. Now, the other times I did call myself doing this step I had different sponsors telling me how the y did it -and that was okay i guess. However, I have relpsed since and when I wrote out my
"Relapse Prevention Plan" I noticed I never was Honest and Thourogh with my 4th step. Today I read "How it works" in the Big Book and there are few more steps I need to do, when I write it out. anyways, I'm really ready to do this,I guess I'm ready to feel the pain so I can get over it, the most important part is to realize what part did I play in the harm done to me. Well, I'm grateful to know I could tell SR how I'm feeling time to time. THANKS and EVERYONE HAVE A BLESSED DAY

[Grasshopper]

Hi Isabel,thank God for the 4th step.Up until i did this,i,personally, always blamed others for all that im feeling,/thinking.I never thought that i played any part in the stuff.I always justified myself.However when i got to the root and causes of my isssues,and was honest,i finally could see where my own issues were,and to focus ,on,making changes.Making changes is what changed me.And the world around me.They didnt change,i have.Yes it was painful at first,but well worth it.And this gave me freedom,steps 4-9.through that power greater than myself,im able to change.
keep on keeping on,
my prayers are with you.

[jlo34]

Isabel,
The pain you feel will be nothing compared to the freedom of bondage when you are done. Re-read the 3rd step prayer in the Big Book (chapter 5) before you begin (would be my advice). If you are thoroughly ready to become a different, better person, to strive in directions you never dreamed you might be able to, if you are ready to face up to what may come before you and trudge through the fear...then you are ready for the 4th step.

Everyone has their own way of doing the 4th step. I chose to do my differently, as well. I identified mine by my character defects..that really helped me see MY PART in it. I'd like to be naive, but today, I can't afford to.

My prayers are with you, Isabel, as you walk this beautiful journey. I didn't spend long dedicating hours and hours to this. Set aside an hour at a time to write. Then put it aside and carry it with you. More stuff will come to you throughout the day. Write it down as you remember. No need for it to be a novel. Just thoroughly identify the overall story so you can re-call it easily for whomever you choose to share it with (5th step). Give yourself a 2-3 day cap on writing stuff. Don't worry. This WON'T be your LAST one, if you continue with sobriety. We don't have to do the 4th step perfectly. We learn each time what works best and go from there. The important thing is that YOU ARE DOING IT!!!

Blessings,
Jen

[collinsmi]

There is more to the 4th in the big book than just the example on page 65, at least the way I was taught. There are writing instructions I followed from pg 64 - 69. Have fun with it and be thorough, maybe thats the most important thing.

[jimhere]

Although not a requirement, I would highly recomend that you find someone with experience of what's in the book to guide you through the preceeding steps, if don't have a sponsor already, that is. As collinsmi said, there is much more to the inventory than the three columns shown on page 65.
Regards,
Jim

[laurie6781]

My first 4th step was a real doosey.

Before I could ever attempt it as laid out in the BB, I sat and I wrote and I wrote and I wrote, my WHOLE LIFE HISTORY, everything I could remember. Then after I finished "the great american novel" all 342 pages of it, roflmao, I took it to my sponsor. Bev sat there and read and read and read. I believe I made 2 pots of coffee while she read it ALL (this was on a saturday). When she was finally finished, she set it down, looked at me and said:

"Now you are ready to get serious about your fourth step." You see my sponsor knew me well enough by then to understand that without that "novel" I would never have been able to GET HONEST, to MAKE A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY of myself. Then and only then was I ready to sit down at the breakfast bar, with her, and her husband Hugh, and a brand new legal pad in front of me.

I must also tell you that by taking the time to write that autobiography (which I still have) it grounded me with Steps 1, 2 and 3. I saw with clarity, the INSANITY of my life, the same acts and actions over and over expecting different results. I saw through my own words how my life had gone "to h*ll in a handbasket" from my actions. I 'saw" where I had gone wrong and all my defects scattered throughout that recitation.

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing, I know of many others over these many many ODAATs that have also done it this way. It is a way to unleash and uncover all those 'tidbits' both "good and bad" that we buried for so long. I have worked with many over the years, some need to do it this way, and some can jump right in. Each of us is different.

Ask and allow your sponsor to 'guide' you.

I would suggest when you are as done as done can be with your "Life Story" you take it to your sponsor and sit with her as she reads it. Then you, in all liklihood will be ready for that Fourth Step.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

[HERRERA]

Originally Posted by jimhere

Although not a requirement, I would highly recomend that you find someone with experience of what's in the book to guide you through the preceeding steps, if don't have a sponsor already, that is. As collinsmi said, there is much more to the inventory than the three columns shown on page 65.
Regards,
Jim

thanks Jim I do have a sponsor who has a sponsor that has worked all 12 steps. I thought I said there was more to it than the three columns, like the resenment,fear,anger,and sex list the main point I was getting at is that I can get butt-ass honest with myself when I look at my part. Anyhow,I have to get up early so Thanks for your input.

[Little Missy]

I was shocked at how much I learned about myself during the Fourth Step. I never realized I was that type of person. It was a huge eye opener for me and I am very grateful to have done it!!

Best of luck to you on yours!!

[Paul83]

I found the Hazelden inventory to be a great benefit to me, but all is moot if we lack the thoroughness and honesty. I wouldn't of recognized a lot of my patterns by just writing a sex, fear and resentment four column. Likewise, I did the "autobiography" thing (lol) too and found it was very helpful to go back and relate when I was answering more specifically targetted questions. Like the book says I believe the fears fall and freedom is upon us, we begin to have a spiritual EXPERIENCE when we have the total ego-crushing humility that Bill W found so necessary for recovery. Good luck to you!!

[paulmh]

Like the book says I believe the fears fall and freedom is upon us, we begin to have a spiritual EXPERIENCE when we have the total ego-crushing humility that Bill W found so necessary for recovery.

That's the crux of it, for me. Coming to believe that I was my biggest obstacle to sobriety. Acknowledging that I was going to have to change. Accepting that change means, at it's core, something like altering, without knowing in advance what the result will be. No wonder we talk about having to hit rock bottom first - no wonder those of us who have epxerienced it know it to be true. Who would easily choose to undergo "total ego crushing"?

One of the many reasons I love this programme so much is because it's experiential. In the same way I can't get fit by imagining myself fit - or impotently wishing I was fit - I can't get sober by wishing it was the case, by rationalisation. I have to practise it. And the first step to practising it is to cultivate that humility that is the antidote to my malformed ego - the solution to my own biggest problem, myself.

Thanks Paul83

[Edmundo30]

The real purpose of the 4th step is to turn all my truth into lies and my lies into truth. What that means is that I must be rigorously honest with myself in order to see beyond just how it affected me (3rd column)

The 4th column of the 4th step was what really disturbed me and really helped me see who I really was because I had not a clue who I was.

[collinsmi]

I HATED that 4th column Edmundo! All that searching into my own actions, it was like pulling an eyetooth. Sure taught me an awful lot though. For one thing, I used to be this sensitive, COMPLEX person...........

[markofevil]

My sponsor told me to keep a notebook handy and just jot down any memories that came to mind over several weeks.

I've only done one 4th step. I tried to be thorough, but I'm sure I missed some stuff. That's ok. I hit the big targets. I'll do another one in a year or two.

[Edmundo30]

Initially when I sat down with my sponsor to begin the 4th step I was only able to get up to column 3..

Affects my: Slef esteem, Pride, security, ambitions, sex relations, personal relations, pocketbook etc.

It's so easy to see those lies right?

I am not the greatest brother or worker or boyfriend in the world, but I am also not a piece of sh**..Thats not hard to figure out and tell yourself once you write it down, but my job REALLY in step 4 is a fearless and thorough inventory..To get me TO that column 4

So I have to pray to God to help me see that truth because I am so dishonest at this point to admit it to myself..Well the first time I went through the steps with my sponsor he was able to help me do a 4th column..Because I was still that dishonest..

3rd time around through the steps, my sponsor told me, "I think after being a member of AA now for almost 3 years, you should be able to do an honest and thorough 4th column of your inventory now, I dont know why you werent able to do it the first time around.."

Some of the things I began to actually put down blew me away..

For instance: Lets say I have one piece of inventory where I am resentful at myself..and I could have like 5-10 reasons why I hate myself..

So what I was asked to do was to take each reason I hate myself and do seperate inventories for them all up to column 4 on each one..

And you may not believe me..But ever since that experience I have never been the same person..

I have learned to love a little more of myself since then and I have experienced ZERO self pity since that..I take care of myself better, I excercise I eat right..I wake up in the morning earlier and dont go to work late and actually say hi to my bosses..

my relationship with my gf is better. My confidence is better. I was able to go back to college and up to now I have completed 12 more hours toward 66 hours of my desired degree. I got all B's and A's by the way. And I am still a regular member of AA.

of course there are still areas of my life that need modifying but for the most part I am so much happier than I ever was because of that 4th step experience and the rest of the steps too