He slipped...

[ilovebdj]

Just wanted to know your thoughts here from the "other side"....

I have an AB who had been 3 months sober. Last Saturday, unbeknownst to me, he started a bender. He's not living here. In the past week he has not gone to work. We also had to put our beloved 15 year old dog down. She got sick right after he left so he didn't witness this decline and was kind of taken aback by it. He has spent $8000 in the past month (we don't make THAT kind of money, but when he left I split our savings up and that was his half). His friends have now rejected him because of this drinking binge he's on. He's staying in a hotel right now, sad, no home, no dog, no girl....you know the song.

Ok here it is....do I stay out of it? I certainly don't want him homeless on the streets. I just don't know if there is any way I can help him in this time. Is it best to leave things alone and let him hit his bottom again? I'm trying to get his sponsor's number, and I'm not sure if it's ok to make that phone call. I'm just beside myself in grief over my dog and now over my fiancee' who was doing so well on his road to recovery. He was going to AA 2x a day. Any advice or support or anything from you guys on this side would be greatly appreciated. xoxo Cindy

PS - Also as far as the over spending thing....this is so NOT like him, is this a normal occurence of sobriety? Kind of like a cross addiction now to spending? Thanks....

[CarolD]

I see you have posted and had replies from our
Friends & Family board.

That's good...amd I bet they suggested you go to A Al anon
That is what I suggest.

When I was drinking..I dated drinkers
In sobriety I found non drinkers to hang with.

I have no experience with your situation. Sorry
Perhaps others will be along later.

I am sorry your dog died...Hugs

[Kellye C]

You'll get many responses I'm sure but I think it is best to step back and let him take this wherever he is going to. To try to step in and cushion his fall isn't doing him any favors in the long run IMO. I've seen it in AA where after a slip and a new bottom they re-enter more determined and willing to do whatever it takes. There is a saying "it takes what it takes".

As far as the switching addiction to spending, yes it is entirely possible. We are not people of moderation and we look for things to make us feel better or to help us escape. I can see where spending might give him a rush.

I am so sorry about your dog and all the struggles you are going through right now. Definitely check out Al-Anon, spend a lot of time on the F&F board and work on processing your grief and your feelings. Allow him to do whatever it is he must. You can't get sober for him or stay sober for him. He has to want it more than anything.

Hugs,
Kellye

[ilovebdj]

Originally Posted by CarolD

I see you have posted abd amd replies from our
Friends & Family board.

I usually post on F&F but didn't about this one. I really wanted a different perspective tonight. I really wanted to hear from the A's.

I know that I can't stop him....I just hate to see him this way. :-(

Thanks Kelly. I KNOW I should leave him alone.....hopefully I'll wise up and do just that. Thanks.

[Music]

Originally Posted by ilovebdj

I usually post on F&F but didn't about this one. I really wanted a different perspective tonight. I really wanted to hear from the A's.

I know that I can't stop him....I just hate to see him this way. :-(

Thanks Kelly. I KNOW I should leave him alone.....hopefully I'll wise up and do just that. Thanks.

Hi Cindy,
I know you're concerned. I'd probably think something was wrong if you weren't but until he's ready to quit, you're wasting your time worrying about him. I'd suggest that you leave him alone and take care of yourself. You might try Al-anon. I'm sure you'll get support there, and face 2 face is the best support there is. My wife and I had to let our son go when he was drinking and drugging. It was hard for us but we had plenty of support from AA which is our program. Our son is now almost 17 years sober. Some make it and some don't. You have no control and by being involved with him, you'll only hurt yourself. Best to you.

[Irish Virus]

Since you want to hear from alcoholics, I'll give my opinion.

Sounds to me that he needs a helping hand right now. No home, no friends, no girl, no dog, no $$$, and soon to be with no hope. If he loses hope, he loses all. He'll become content with his bottom as long as he has a bottle of booze. He's an alcoholic who is possessed by booze. It's all that matters to him right now and from what you are saying this is how I see it.

There are no pat answers to situations like this. Some people are too far gone to reason with because their brains are wet. Others might find a glimmer of hope through an intervention of some sort. I think your idea of calling his sponsor is a good idea if you know the whereabouts of the said parties. It just might work.

Good luck and God Bless.

[ilovebdj]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it.

Thanks Irish. That is kind of what I was looking for. I want to help a little, but I don't want to be in the insanity, if you know what I mean. I just know he needs a leg up.

I found out apparently he (the AB) took a bottle of Ambien on Thursday night and washed it down w/ a bottle.....not sure if that was an attempt or just one of those "I'd like to sleep until Saturday" type things.

I still couldn't get a hold of the sponsor so I called his father. We are pretty close and I usually leave him out of stuff like this as he lives kind of far. I told him I wasn't comfortable being involved but since his friends have abandoned him (which this is a first so I'm guessing it's bad) that I thought he should have someone. His dad said he'd be driving out tonight. This way I at least made that connection without being totally involved.

Thanks everyone who responded. I enjoy coming over on this side from F&F once in awhile to hear what you guys think. I guess in some small way it makes me feel closer to him. Silly, isn't it? xoxoxo

[Little Missy]

Glad you took some action, however now it's his turn. I am a believer that there is always hope. I too can't stand to allow someone to suffer. But it can't consume your life. As others have said, he has to want it. I think it's ok to let him know that people care about him. He's seen a bit a sobriety. He's seen the drinking side. Now he has to make a choice.

This may be what it takes to get him back to recovery. Hope he makes it.

I'm sorry for the loss of you dog. Seems like everything always happens at once.

Prayers for you and yours. Keep the faith, there's always hope!!

[Edmundo30]

The more depressed an alcoholic is the better chance he has at accpeting what we in AA have to offer--And thats a solution.

If an alcoholic is happy with drinking or doing what he does, then why would he want to do anything we in AA ask him to do? We do our part to share with him and lay out what we have and if he does not want to take it, then it is ultimately his business.

I remember this woman who is my grandsponsor telling me how much she had wanted to drink when she was 3 months sober when she called her sponsor telling him "I wanna drink Im gonna do it!! I dont care what anyone says!"

he flat out told her, "Have a nice death!" and hung the phone up on her.

Sometimes he have tp be rigid with alcoholics and tell them the truth if it means hurting their sensitive feelings. yes we can respect them and their wishes, but if they are beligerently denying what we have to offer and ask them to do then why would they need us for? At some point we must draw a line with the alcoholic and ask him flat out if he is done for good.

The same man who told my grandsponsor also told another member who had reoccuring relapses if he was finally done. And he says "well one day at a time." Then he laughed and told him, "Buddy I still think you got a couple of drunks left in you then..Go to it and when you want to want to stop then Ill be here.."

[ilovebdj]

Originally Posted by Little Missy

I'm sorry for the loss of you dog. Seems like everything always happens at once.

Thanks. I keep forgetting that my poor Nikki is gone. All of this stuff is a distraction of sorts.

I spoke w/ his dad this morning and he said that he went to a meeting yesterday. I'm relieved about that. I keep hearing that they have to want to stop it, and that's the thing. He finally did admit he had a problem and had 3 months under his belt. He really seemed to be enjoying AA. And after the slip he admitted everything again. Unfortunately he called his sponsor when he was drunk (he didn't remember) and told him to go you know where. Apparently the sponsor laughed and said he'd see him in a meeting when he came back. Of course he did. The sponsor is great and very thick skinned which is good.

He is currently staying w/ his mom right now. I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not since she is bi-polar and very emotional....she's on and off her meds constantly. But at least it's shelter and food. It's a start.

He is so emotional and sensitive. When I hear about his suffering I just want to jump right in. But I guess by just making those connections and staying out of it I'm helping. I hope. Thanks to everyone. You are a great support.

[Music]

So, Cindy, who is your sponsor?

[ilovebdj]

Originally Posted by Music

So, Cindy, who is your sponsor?

Right now I guess my other two dogs.....

But seriously, I was going to Al-Anon for awhile, and it was too clique-y for me. I didn't understand the format at first and was berated in front of everyone for "cross-talking". I know they say take what you like and leave the rest, but I didn't get much out of the meetings. I live in Orlando and there are Al-Anon meetings everywhere, I've tried a few different ones. I actually just found out recently that Al-Anon members can be sponsored as well. I asked the leader of one of the last meetings I went to and she said she would try to get back to me with someone, but it didn't happen. I asked if she could and she said no. I haven't been since.

I'm immersing myself in books and I've been to some open AA meetings since then. Other than that, not much.

[Don S]

Here's an alternative to AlAnon with some essays you might find useful.
http://www.empoweredrecovery.com/index.htm

I hate to say this, but it sounds as though he is trying to kill himself one way or another. You might suggest he make an appointment with a counselor who is familiar with cognitive (REBT, CBT) approaches. Maybe his doctor has a referral. A professional helping him set some goals, deal with underlying issues (like, say, a bipolar mom...), and who could provide non-confrontational followup might get him on track, all in conjunction with continuing to get group support. But only your b/f can make the phone call. Otherwise he's counting on you to keep him sober, and we all know that doesn't work.

[Music]

Well Cindy, just my opinion. I suggest you go back to Al-anon as fast as you can 'cause you've got way too much invested in a "boyfriend" who obviously doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. This guy had 3 months dry. My guess is he didn't do much else but not drink, regarless of what he might say. You need to take care of yourself first and let his parents worry about him. Another guess of mine is that you think there's something, somewhere that you can come up with to help this guy. You can't help him!! The very fact that you're pre-occupied with his welfare is a dead give away that you've been affected by his drinking way more than you realize and the fact that you probably are thinking to yourself that I don't know what I'm talking about and that if you just hang in there everything will be ok tells me you need Al-anon more than you think.

[ilovebdj]

Don, he has an appointment Tues. w/ his regular doctor. One of the prerequisites of coming back here at the time was to seek counseling or therapy for any underlying issues. That never happened. I had decided since he didn't get that help all of this time it obviously wasn't going to happen.

Originally Posted by Music

Another guess of mine is that you think there's something, somewhere that you can come up with to help this guy. You can't help him!! The very fact that you're pre-occupied with his welfare is a dead give away that you've been affected by his drinking way more than you realize and the fact that you probably are thinking to yourself that I don't know what I'm talking about and that if you just hang in there everything will be ok tells me you need Al-anon more than you think.

Music, I understand your concern, but I've pretty much written him off already. I am not invested in him in those ways anymore. Money and such was separated when he slipped a few months ago. I wouldn't say I was preoccupied with his welfare, but I am concerned for him as a fellow human being. I know that may be codie talk, but it's what I'm feeling. He knows and I know that this relationship looked like it was past salvageable, unfortunately.

I definitely think that you DO know what you are talking about. That's why I like hearing from this forum, as well. Like I said, I've been touch and go with Al-Anon. I've been to at least twenty meetings, and I've been to different meetings (speaker, steps) and different locations. Different days, even. I wish I could find in Al-Anon what everyone else talks about in the other forums. It just hadn't happened for me yet.

[ilovebdj]

Don, also, I wanted to thank you (not just via the thank you button....) in regards to the empowered recovery link. I've heard others talk about it, but I didn't know what it was. I'm dabbling in it right now. I'll take any tools I can use. Thank you so much for taking the time. I feel bad being on this side, but I do like hearing from ya'll. <----sorry, Florida speak.....

[jimhere]

I think you would get the same reply from a recovered alcoholic as you would from a member of Al-Anon who practices a good program.

Get well yourself is my answer. I know it is a sad thing to watch some one you care about slowly decline in the throes of active alcoholism, but it is worse if the focus is on them instead of your own well-being.Jim

[Don W]

Cindy, I just went out after 3 years. I'd suggest to him that he gets into treatment. Then I'd suggest you take steps to help yourself. When drinking I turned everyone around me into a enabler. Drawing a line in the sand is sometimes the best way to help him. Don W

[Sugasnaps]

Cindy it sounds like you did exactly the right thing at the right moment.

As an alcoholic I can say that there wasn't a darn thing anyone could do for me that would change me. I agree with most posters here who've said that you need to take the necessary steps to keep you as your #1 priority. Your sanity, your life, your goals... if he manages to finally get it and change and it is meant to be that he's in your life then things have a way of working out that way. Just keep you as your #1 priority.

Ya did good.

I am really sorry to hear about your dog.

Suga