transferring addictions in early recovery

[goffredo]

Dear all

Thank you in advance for reading and sharing your experience with me. Once again I come to this forum to understand the disease of addiction by asking you a question.

My partner has been clean and sober for 7 months. She goes to AA/NA etc and seems to me is totally embracing recovery.

What I have noticed recently is that, I believe she's in danger of transferring the addiction to bidding on ebay. In my view, she's getting a buzz from bidding and winning items on ebay, and although to buy stuff on ebay is ok, I mean she's obsessing about it, spending well over what is sensible and can afford, the other night she even had symptoms like when she was using just by being on her pc and waiting for a bid to end. Scary!!!

My question is: do I tell her this is what I noticed? How would you take it if your loved one says so to you?

She's defensive and irritable often.

I don't want to say it to take her inventory, put her down, focus on her and so on. I'm practicing my programme (Alanon) and I am aware of this. It's just that I want to be honest and open with her and part of our recovery is to have an honest relationship.

What's your advice?

Love Jo

[RisingPhoenix]

Go,

I noticed the transferring in my (now ex) bf. I'm not sure about the addictive personality thing, but there is weight in it because I've witnessed it. He quit drinking and 'cane and started on grass, food and spending money - lots of money - buying stuff. Constantly filling his house with STUFF - 1/2 of which he never used. He bought a whole library of books and to this day, I doubt, has read any of them. He stocked his kitchen with every single imaginable cooking utensil and he does not cook.

Someone once told me he was chasing feel-good. Anything to make himself feel better.

I would (gently) bring it up. His justification? "Get off my back." (Yeah, I know the irritable and defensiveness well!) "If it keeps me from drinking and doing lines, what's the harm? If you're expecting me to be a priest, you're in for a rude awakening."

We stopped at a bakery once before a movie to 'get a little treat' and he bought 5 GIANT cookies. 5 cookies. You do the math.

During March Madness, I didn't see him for 5 days. He was betting (obsessively) on the games. "Surely you don't expect me to be away while the games are playing! I have to watch and see if I win!!!!"

I don't know if this helps, it's just my experience.

Best of luck. I'm sure there are others that can give you some substantial advice. I am just letting you know that you are not alone.

[eire rose]

Hello Goffredo

I am recovering alcoholic with about the same sober time as your partner, I also indulged in shopping at the early stages of recovery, then it was food for a while, my point is that we kind of flip flop from one thing to another.

These issues do come up in the rooms of AA/NA, I have heard many people share about other addictions that they indulged in when sober. She may or may not be aware of it, I recommend leaving her alone, she will figure it out in her own time, maybe she needs to max out the credits cards first, but as an addict I need to get it before I can hear anyone else.

If this affect your financial arangement as you are living together, maybe addressing it gently, but as long as she is paying her part of the bills etc.. I would stay out of it.

Good luck,

Love, Rose

[PaperDolls]

Hi Jo -- I am almost 5 months sober and I've noticed myself getting obsessed with things such as shopping, and eating, and may be even the pills.

Like Rose says, I'd let her deal with it. I say that because I know how I would react and suspect she would do the same. I would be defensive and irritated. I do sort of feel like me transferring addictions to something harmless like shopping or eating is fine since I'm staying sober. As I type that, I realized how stupid that is. Wow!

I still think you should let her realize it herself and deal with it. Now - like Rose says if it's affecting your finances as well then you should bring that up somehow. I wish you luck. I know you are working hard at your recovery.

Love,
~doll

[goffredo]

Thank you everyone for advice.

I will follow it, because it makes sense.

Love Jo

[PaperDolls]

You're welcome Jo.

It's always helpful to me to hear your concerns with your gf. I've told you before, It think your gf and I are a lot alike. This always helps me to put things in perspective and get an idea of what might be going through my gf's mind.

I hope things work out.....

Love,
doll

[Don S]

Drinking is often a result of poor coping skills. Many people automatically turn to escape and avoidance strategies when dealing with distress. This may include drinking, drug use, cutting, eating behaviors, etc. When someone learns to control one coping behavior, but still automatically moves from distress into escape and avoidance, that person is simply adopting another self-harming behavior.

Having gotten in the habit of moving rapidly through the process makes the harmful escape behaviors hard habits to break--whatever they are. Your partner is likely to just trade this behavior for something else. That person is also pretty likely to return to the drinking or drug use, because drugs are more effective in the short run than any of the substitute behaviors.
Doing nothing means accepting the behavior, IMO, and you're likely to get tired of it. A behavioral therapist (CBT, REBT, DBT) could help your partner find better ways to cope with the factors that led to the drinking in the first place. I don't know what the best way is to communicate that, because we don't know how your partnership functions. Couples counseling, online links, or just concerned but supportive comments? Your call.

[fraankie]

well the thing is to be sober
and
become a productive member of society
so
the thig would be, for me, anyhow,
is
to seek therapy, meetings, work on relationships,etc
and
to find work, do good deeds, etc

i, too, know some who don't drink
but
drop a block at atlantic city
or
elaboratively furnish their homes

someone told me a long time ago
about
my thing with making a lot of meetings
"if it doesn't hurt anyone, what's the harrm?"

best
fraankie