Husband In Recovery And I'm Lost - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

BayouSelf · 03-09-2006, 04:15 PM

My AH and I split up four months ago and decided to work on our marriage while living separate and apart. It has been very tough trying to build trust issues with someone that you are no longer living with. However, with help from Al-Anon and my Higher Power, I've gotten through the last four months without much difficulty. My AH has been going to AA meetings and found a sponsor and he has been working his program and doing well. He's a new person and I'm so proud of him. The only thing is that I really believed that our marriage would work out if he got into recovery and now that he's got a little sense of independence and a little self esteem, he's not sure he wants to come home. I feel all this time, I've hung in there, been to hell and back and have hoped and dreamed of recovery for him and now that he has it, it doesn't look like he's interested in being married to me. When he was drinking, he used to beg and plead and would do anything to be with me? I guess now I'm not looking too great from a sober person's eyes? I've never been any closer to God than I have been in the last few months and I'm starting to wonder where God is now? I'm feeling very lost and lonely.

BLackshirt · 03-09-2006, 06:27 PM

Blue:

God is there and you need to rely on Him. I understand that what you are going through can be difficult, but you have to put your complete failth in God and His plan for you and your life. Talk to another Al-anon about what you are going through, there are people out there that have walked this road before and can give you insight.

I will pray for you and your marriage.
Scott

**Peter** · 03-09-2006, 07:58 PM

Yes, people sometimes drift apart in recovery.

Recovery takes us down a different path and sometimes we find that we are not always moving in the same direction.

Whatever you do do not make the mistake of thinking that somehow you are to blame for the changes in your relationship.

I know it may be of little consequence to you right now but life keeps moving on and we have to move with it whether we like it or not. If we don't we get stuck.

BayouSelf · 03-09-2006, 08:34 PM

Thanks so much for caring enough to write back. Sometimes it just takes a few encouraging words to give someone enough hope to make it though the rest of the day. I really appreciate it.

Cap3 · 03-09-2006, 08:42 PM

God grant me serenity,
to accept the things,i cannot change,
courage to change the things that i can
Wisdom to know the difference.
My prayers for you and your husband,

Chy · 03-09-2006, 10:37 PM

God is right there with you. If you've got the endurance to give it some time, then give it some time. Realtionships can work out in recovery.

Music · 03-10-2006, 03:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebayou

I've never been any closer to God than I have been in the last few months and I'm starting to wonder where God is now? I'm feeling very lost and lonely.

My wife and I are both in AA and have been for some time. I know what it feels like to be in kind of a limbo, waiting for someone else to make the move. So don't wait. You know where your husband is, and you know where God is. Question is, where are you? Have you gone all this way hoping your husband would get better? Have you gone to Al-anon for your husband? Marriages are what they are but some work out and some don't. There's a possibility that the marriage was never supposed to be. Maybe you got married under false pretenses. So, you can also look at your situation as setting things right. Don't wait around for him to make the decision for you. Move on as if you're the only one who counts. Know why??? 'Cause you are!

Sugah · 03-10-2006, 08:35 AM

"Nothing changes if nothing changes." We hear that a lot in recovery, and we set about to change things so things change. As habits, thought process, old ways of acting and reacting change....all the bits and pieces of us change, we begin to change as a whole. We become someone different than who we were before. Depending on how far down the scale we have gone, that metamorphosis is necessary if we are to live. Our lives literally depend upon the spiritual awakening that transforms all that we were into all that we need to be in order to stay clean.

You don't say how long your husband used. I can almost guarantee that if he was using when you met him, he's not the person you married...that is, if he's working the program as its been taught to me. If he wasn't using, if the addiction is something that "just happened" over the course of your marriage, he's probably still someone completely different. Many of us hold the belief that we were born addicts -- that we displayed addictive thinking and behavior long before we ever picked up a drug. Recovery teaches us to replace that thinking and behavior -- the steps transform us, and the resulting person may look the same, even enjoy the same kinds of things, but the thinking, and hence, the feeling, is different. So...who he is now may be someone you don't even know.

It hurts to lose someone we love...even to think about losing someone we love hurts. I lost people when I got clean for different reasons. The way I dealt with it was to realize myself as someone complete, whole, and I learned to enjoy those other people in my life -- not need for them to be there. The best and most gentle thing you can do for yourself is to continue working your own program. Love without expectations is a spiritual gift to us. If you open yourself to that gift, be willing to accept it, then it won't matter if he comes back tomorrow or he doesn't. The treasure of feeling love and giving love, regardless of if or in what form it's returned, will be enough.

I'll keep you in my prayers. I fear I've totally bungled what what I was trying to share, but I'll put my faith in my HP's ability to transmit my "spiritual hug" across the miles to you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Sheryl85 · 03-10-2006, 09:04 AM

Amen, Music!

Blue, you have to do this for you. This is your journey, so work on you right now. It may well be that you will find what I did and that is God saves the best gifts for when I let Him make the decisions… especially in matters of the heart. For now, when you see your husband, just remember that you are still dealing with a sick person. (Just because we get into the program doesn’t mean we are suddenly well!) You would want to treat any sick person with compassion and understanding. If you could look at it that way, it could make dealing with him easier.

Keep us posted on how you are doing…

inlandza · 03-15-2006, 05:49 AM

Not trying to sound cruel but maybe your hubby seen what a sober life is all about and that he does not have anyone pushing buttons for him (he can push his own) and he likes this NEW fond freedom. But on a better note give him time he will came back.

03-09-2006, 04:15 PM	#1 (permalink)
BayouSelf Not a bad place to be.... Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: LOUISIANA Posts: 179	Husband In Recovery And I'm Lost My AH and I split up four months ago and decided to work on our marriage while living separate and apart. It has been very tough trying to build trust issues with someone that you are no longer living with. However, with help from Al-Anon and my Higher Power, I've gotten through the last four months without much difficulty. My AH has been going to AA meetings and found a sponsor and he has been working his program and doing well. He's a new person and I'm so proud of him. The only thing is that I really believed that our marriage would work out if he got into recovery and now that he's got a little sense of independence and a little self esteem, he's not sure he wants to come home. I feel all this time, I've hung in there, been to hell and back and have hoped and dreamed of recovery for him and now that he has it, it doesn't look like he's interested in being married to me. When he was drinking, he used to beg and plead and would do anything to be with me? I guess now I'm not looking too great from a sober person's eyes? I've never been any closer to God than I have been in the last few months and I'm starting to wonder where God is now? I'm feeling very lost and lonely.

03-10-2006, 08:35 AM	#8 (permalink)
Sugah Om, Aum, Ohm... 12 Many Champion! Blast Billiards Champion! Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion! mahjong Champion! Mini Pool 2 Champion! MiniPool Champion! Pool Jam Champion! Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh Posts: 3,692	"Nothing changes if nothing changes." We hear that a lot in recovery, and we set about to change things so things change. As habits, thought process, old ways of acting and reacting change....all the bits and pieces of us change, we begin to change as a whole. We become someone different than who we were before. Depending on how far down the scale we have gone, that metamorphosis is necessary if we are to live. Our lives literally depend upon the spiritual awakening that transforms all that we were into all that we need to be in order to stay clean. You don't say how long your husband used. I can almost guarantee that if he was using when you met him, he's not the person you married...that is, if he's working the program as its been taught to me. If he wasn't using, if the addiction is something that "just happened" over the course of your marriage, he's probably still someone completely different. Many of us hold the belief that we were born addicts -- that we displayed addictive thinking and behavior long before we ever picked up a drug. Recovery teaches us to replace that thinking and behavior -- the steps transform us, and the resulting person may look the same, even enjoy the same kinds of things, but the thinking, and hence, the feeling, is different. So...who he is now may be someone you don't even know. It hurts to lose someone we love...even to think about losing someone we love hurts. I lost people when I got clean for different reasons. The way I dealt with it was to realize myself as someone complete, whole, and I learned to enjoy those other people in my life -- not need for them to be there. The best and most gentle thing you can do for yourself is to continue working your own program. Love without expectations is a spiritual gift to us. If you open yourself to that gift, be willing to accept it, then it won't matter if he comes back tomorrow or he doesn't. The treasure of feeling love and giving love, regardless of if or in what form it's returned, will be enough. I'll keep you in my prayers. I fear I've totally bungled what what I was trying to share, but I'll put my faith in my HP's ability to transmit my "spiritual hug" across the miles to you. Peace & Love, Sugah __________________ There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done Keep me in your heart for awhile ~WZ ANS 01/29/86 - 08/04/08

03-10-2006, 09:04 AM	#9 (permalink)
Sheryl85 '55 Classic Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Waco, TX Posts: 619	Amen, Music! Blue, you have to do this for you. This is your journey, so work on you right now. It may well be that you will find what I did and that is God saves the best gifts for when I let Him make the decisions… especially in matters of the heart. For now, when you see your husband, just remember that you are still dealing with a sick person. (Just because we get into the program doesn’t mean we are suddenly well!) You would want to treat any sick person with compassion and understanding. If you could look at it that way, it could make dealing with him easier. Keep us posted on how you are doing… __________________ "Temper is a quality that at a critical moment brings out the best in steel and worst in people." - William Grohse NOTE: All Big Book quotes are from the First Edition of the Big Book

03-15-2006, 05:49 AM	#10 (permalink)
inlandza BitSizeDayz Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Pretoria ZA Posts: 56	Not trying to sound cruel but maybe your hubby seen what a sober life is all about and that he does not have anyone pushing buttons for him (he can push his own) and he likes this NEW fond freedom. But on a better note give him time he will came back. __________________ Bit Size dayz

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03-09-2006, 06:27 PM	#2 (permalink)
BLackshirt Victory is mine! Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Emporia Kansas Posts: 86	Blue: God is there and you need to rely on Him. I understand that what you are going through can be difficult, but you have to put your complete failth in God and His plan for you and your life. Talk to another Al-anon about what you are going through, there are people out there that have walked this road before and can give you insight. I will pray for you and your marriage. Scott

03-09-2006, 07:58 PM	#3 (permalink)
Peter Moderator Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Leaving Sparta Posts: 2,742	Yes, people sometimes drift apart in recovery. Recovery takes us down a different path and sometimes we find that we are not always moving in the same direction. Whatever you do do not make the mistake of thinking that somehow you are to blame for the changes in your relationship. I know it may be of little consequence to you right now but life keeps moving on and we have to move with it whether we like it or not. If we don't we get stuck.

03-09-2006, 08:34 PM	#4 (permalink)
BayouSelf Not a bad place to be.... Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: LOUISIANA Posts: 179	Thanks so much for caring enough to write back. Sometimes it just takes a few encouraging words to give someone enough hope to make it though the rest of the day. I really appreciate it.

03-09-2006, 08:42 PM	#5 (permalink)
Cap3 Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Canada Posts: 732	God grant me serenity, to accept the things,i cannot change, courage to change the things that i can Wisdom to know the difference. My prayers for you and your husband,

03-09-2006, 10:37 PM	#6 (permalink)
Chy Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: El Paso, Tx Posts: 5,877	God is right there with you. If you've got the endurance to give it some time, then give it some time. Realtionships can work out in recovery.

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